"Marriage isnt for you"

Re: "Marriage isnt for you"

• natswild member

  

  November 2013

  Very interesting article! The title makes you look twice, but I think EVERYONE should read it! Thanks for posting it!

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• hlvonb member

  

  November 2013

  @natswild

  Thanks! The title got me too. Lol

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• AprilH81 member

  

  November 2013

  This is an extreme case but the principle is sound.  Marriage isn't all about ME, and what I can get, it is about your spouse too.  There is a time to be selfish but generally speaking you should do your best to support your spouse and do your best to make them happy.

  

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• Cokezerofreak member

  

  November 2013

  I read this article yesterday and shared it with FI.  I agree with AprilH81, there's a time for everything but you're in it together.
  

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• emmyg65 member

  

  November 2013

  I don't agree with it because I think marriage is a partnership. So it is for me, and also for my husband. I also don't believe in selfless love, because I don't want to be selfless. Sure, sometimes I put my husband's wants and needs before my own, and he does the same. But neither of us loses our own individual selves and identities.

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• kitty8403 member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  Yeah, this was all over my newsfeed yesterday. I think he's right--it's easy to stay committed and honor your vows when things are going well. It's a whole different ballgame when one or both of you is struggling. If marriage was all about you, there would be nothing wrong with walking away.
  In the past month, we've faced financial setbacks. We had a machine catch on fire. I caught the flu. FI was nearly killed in a nasty rollover (heavy equipment). An employee needed a doctor and had to be out on leave. A new hire flaked out. Contractors weren't making good on time. And on and on it goes. It's when life gets tough that your strength as a couple really gets tested and has the chance to grow.

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• ashleyep member

  

  November 2013

  I've seen this making the rounds on facebook and I don't think it's as profound or amazing as people are making it out to be. Marriage is a partnership, of course it's not all about you. Maybe it just seems pretty obvious to me, but I also can't give up my identity because I'm married.

  

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• ElcaB member

  

  November 2013

  ashleyep said:

  I've seen this making the rounds on facebook and I don't think it's as profound or amazing as people are making it out to be. Marriage is a partnership, of course it's not all about you. Maybe it just seems pretty obvious to me, but I also can't give up my identity because I'm married.

  
  We agree.

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  November 2013

  ashleyep said:

  I've seen this making the rounds on facebook and I don't think it's as profound or amazing as people are making it out to be. Marriage is a partnership, of course it's not all about you. Maybe it just seems pretty obvious to me, but I also can't give up my identity because I'm married.

  Eye to eye! I was honestly disappointed when I finished reading it because people were making such a big deal about it. It felt really obvious. I also agree with @emmyg65 - I don't think you need to be selfless all the time in a relationship.
  

  
  

  
  

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• hlvonb member

  

  November 2013

  Thanks ladies! It's always interesting to get other people's opinions on things like this. I found the article interesting and that was about it. I will not lose who I am when I am married but being married is going to become a part of who I am. I hope that made sense. Lol

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• CLoGreenEyes member

  

  November 2013

  The sentiment is very nice, but there is a point where being selfless doesn't work. If this is your philosophy, you need to make sure you marry someone who is all about giving of themselves as well or you may easily be taken advantage of. It is impossible to give 24/7 and be a whole person - occasionally you need your partner to invest in YOUR needs and YOUR happiness, or what's the point? That just isn't a partnership to me.

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• jenajjthr member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  What Seth says about what he gives in a marriage also means what his wife should be giving as well.  It's not just the man's role to give selflessly, but for both.  

  
  

  Long before this man (Seth) ever got married I was married to a man and I tried to give.  I gave and gave, all in the name of that is what a spouse should do.  Unfortunately I was married to a man who was selfish.  The last day of counseling we had together, when the therapists were trying to get him to see how hurt I was and to try a new route in the therapy, his response was "WIFM"  What's in it for me?  He explained that is how all good salesmen/recruiters thought, what was in it for them to make the deal.  I was floored, but it was what I needed to see that being selfless didn't work if you were with somebody who was selfish.  Although I put him first, he put himself first as well.  That type of marriage won't work.  

  
  

  Now I am married to a man who puts me first.  I am amazed all the time at what he does for me.  Because he puts me first, I can put him first and not feel taken advantage of.  I will also say that by giving to him, it does not mean I'm losing my identity.  I'm not a Stepford wife by any means, and I don't think that was his point. It that when you truly love a person, it's no longer about you.  Just like when we tell brides that when they have a reception, it's not about you it's about your guests.  It's not your day anymore when you start inviting people.

  
  

    My marriage is not all about me and what I want, it's about what he wants, what our kids need/want, what we want.  I put him first, he puts me first, we both get what we want.  We still get what we want most of the time, but it's due to both of us being selfless, not being selfish.  Hope this makes sense.

  
  

  Edit: to clarify

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• Vivandiere8 member

  

  November 2013

  I really liked this article. Made a lot of sense to me. True it's hard to make work if only one person is doing all the giving, but if both people do it can be wonderful! I think it's just important to find a guy ahead of time who agrees with that idea. Also... I think each person would have to understand that maybe some days they will feel like they are doing all the giving and the other is slipping up, but if you are with the right person it will eventually turn around and you will find there are days when you aren't doing so great in that department but your partner is still giving. No marriage is perfect, and there can be no balance scale constantly held up. The only one you can really look at is yourself, and I think that's the best point.
  

  
  

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