Do I really have to go?! (kind of a rant)

kitty8403 · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

photokitty said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower.
Sorry, than sucks!
Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.

She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.
And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates. OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL. Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?' I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks. Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book.

The bold - So does mine.
If she doesn't want to go she she doesn't have to go. But if my husband asked me to suck it up and go - I would, even though she hadn't sent a thank you note and was rude and mean...but that's me. That's my advice and I'm sticking with it. But I would not think less of anyone who opted not to go. At the same time - This chick is family for life, and that does make it complicated IMHO. Even if the chick is an ingrate, she's still family.

^@photokitty, exactly. My family would also be offended by the lack of thank-you notes/general rudeness, but they would be appalled if I was so petty as to insist on being offended by that forever, to the point that it made our other family relationships awkward. Some people suck. Some people you're related to (by birth or marriage) also suck. And when you take on your FI's family in marriage, then they are, both legally and socially, your family too.

So I think it's fine for the OP to decide she doesn't want to go to a specific event (regardless of what it is) or to tell her FI he's welcome to go without her. It's fine to admit that someone isn't your favorite person and try to limit your interactions with that person. But I also think this is the sort of crap situation that will pop up, and it will keep popping up the rest of her life as a part of this new family unless she finds a more productive way to cope with it long term. The other bride's atrocious behavior is not an excuse to be spiteful for the next 20 years.

Edit because of quote boxes.

annathy03 · November 2013

I'm still with @PrettyGirlLost.

If it was his sister then I'd probably suck it up. But for his second cousin's kid? Nope. At that distant relation, I might still overlook the lack of thank-yous for FIs family, but putting me on trash duty and then yelling at me for doing it wrong? Sorry, but they can shove it where the sun don't shine, and while I'll play nice at Christmas/holidays I'm sure as shit not coming to another party where they feel like they can treat me like that.

Edit: grammar

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

photokitty said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates. OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL. Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?' I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks. Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book.

The bold - So does mine.
If she doesn't want to go she she doesn't have to go. But if my husband asked me to suck it up and go - I would, even though she hadn't sent a thank you note and was rude and mean...but that's me. That's my advice and I'm sticking with it. But I would not think less of anyone who opted not to go. At the same time - This chick is family for life, and that does make it complicated IMHO. Even if the chick is an ingrate, she's still family.

No, being a part of a family does not make things inherently complicated.

Again, we allow our relationships with family and other people to be complicated by engaging in dysfunctional dynamics with those people and feeding into drama unnecessarily.

If this cousin was immediate family that FI was actually close with and maintained contact with, I might suggest OP suck it up and go. But this woman is a distant relative- she's a 2nd or 3rd cousin- who OP's FI is admittedly not close with. . . he hadn't spoken to her in 2 years prior to her wedding. This means OP's interactions within FI's family will be very limited.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

kitty8403 said:

photokitty said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Teddy917 said:

If FI wants to go I think you pretty much have to go since it's a co-ed shower.
Sorry, than sucks!
Get her all the embarrassing stuff on the registry (or even if it's not) - nipple pads, stretch-mark cream, is there an orthopedic cankle shoe you can get???
The fact that it's coed doesn't mean that she has to go. It just means that men can come too. It doesn't mean that both of the couple have to come.

She doesn't have to go, but you have to choose your battles and compromise. If he wants to go and wants her to go then they need to work it out between themselves. Families are complicated and you have to consider how it looks if one goes and not the other - my family side eyes this, big time. If this was not a family member I would not feel obligated, but if it was me in this situation I would feel I had to go bc my SO wanted to. But that's how I'd handle it.
And my family side-eyes the shit out of people not sending thank-you notes. There is nothing complicated about people not wanting to go to events hosted by ingrates. OP, I would tell your FI, 'I'm sorry, but after the way I was treated at her shower and the lack of thank-you notes, I have less than zero interest in attending anything involving this girl.' And I'd reiterate that to FMIL. Does she know that you didn't get a thank-you note? If she does, what does she think? And how close is she to this cousin's mother that she could say, 'We're concerned over the lack of gratitude previously displayed?' I would not go and I wouldn't send any kind of gift. Actions have consequences an the consequence of being an ingrate is that people don't buy you thinks. Alternatively, I'd buy her a Miss Manners book.

The bold - So does mine.
If she doesn't want to go she she doesn't have to go. But if my husband asked me to suck it up and go - I would, even though she hadn't sent a thank you note and was rude and mean...but that's me. That's my advice and I'm sticking with it. But I would not think less of anyone who opted not to go. At the same time - This chick is family for life, and that does make it complicated IMHO. Even if the chick is an ingrate, she's still family.

^@photokitty, exactly. My family would also be offended by the lack of thank-you notes/general rudeness, but they would be appalled if I was so petty as to insist on being offended by that forever, to the point that it made our other family relationships awkward. I agree with this, but OP, FI, and this cousin don't really have a relationship. Some people suck. Some people you're related to (by birth or marriage) also suck. And when you take on your FI's family in marriage, then they are, both legally and socially, your family too.

So I think it's fine for the OP to decide she doesn't want to go to a specific event (regardless of what it is) or to tell her FI he's welcome to go without her. It's fine to admit that someone isn't your favorite person and try to limit your interactions with that person. But I also think this is the sort of crap situation that will pop up, and it will keep popping up the rest of her life as a part of this new family unless she finds a more productive way to cope with it long term. Sometimes the most productive way to deal with people who like to create drama is not to engage them at all and to limit your interactions with them. It can pop up over and over but once people begin to realize that they are unable to get the reaction they are trying to elicit, whatever it is that keeps popping up tends to stop. The other bride's atrocious behavior is not an excuse to be spiteful for the next 20 years. I agree with this, but again I think in this situation since OP isn't even close to the cousin this shouldn't be a big deal. It's not the same as if OP was trying to avoid interactions with FMIL, KWIM?

Edit because of quote boxes.

APDSS22 · November 2013

I might in this instance explain the sorts of fun games and activities a person attending a baby shower can expect to participate in. Guess what's in the diaper, baby talk mad libs, name that baby tune, (think really bad pinterest stuff.) I don't know many men who would subject themselves to that, especially for a distant "cousin" they're not really in contact with and who treats his future wife rudely. If he still wants to attend, claim you don't really have a good enough relationship with her to pick out an appropriate gift (you were thinking that book, "Everybody Poops"...) so he should definitely pick up the gift since it's his family. Don't even discuss attendance of the actual event until closer to time. Hopefully, your FI will come to his senses or something actually will come up that you will have to attend to instead. Maybe you'll even get a cold *cough cough* and have a legitimate excuse *wink*.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I might in this instance explain the sorts of fun games and activities a person attending a baby shower can expect to participate in. Guess what's in the diaper, baby talk mad libs, name that baby tune, (think really bad pinterest stuff.) I don't know many men who would subject themselves to that, especially for a distant "cousin" they're not really in contact with and who treats his future wife rudely. If he still wants to attend, claim you don't really have a good enough relationship with her to pick out an appropriate gift (you were thinking that book, "Everybody Poops"...) so he should definitely pick up the gift since it's his family. Don't even discuss attendance of the actual event until closer to time. Hopefully, your FI will come to his senses or something actually will come up that you will have to attend to instead. Maybe you'll even get a cold *cough cough* and have a legitimate excuse *wink*.

Explosive diarrhea is highly contagious. . .

photokitty · November 2013

JustNicki said:
Okay. FI's mom's cousin's daughter (FI's second cousin?)
My FMIL was one of the hostesses of the event and invited me so I felt it would be a good gesture to attend. I
really don't want to attend, but FI is insisting that we go since she's family and because FMIL and FBIL will be there. We got into an argument about it last night, but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Based on the above I'd have to say OP's FI or at least FMIL is close to this chick. If FMIL is hosting parties for the chick then she is not just some distant relative. Especially if it warrants a fight with FI. But we can disagree. I would go, she's family to OP's FI and FMIL, even if she is an ingrate. But once again, that's just MHO.

Amyzen83 · November 2013

I'm not sure what your family dynamics is, but this isn't directly a cousin, she's a cousin's kid. For me personally I'm not close with my extended family, but they all live out of state so that's why, but it sounds like Fi's family is pretty tight knit and you are marrying into it. So with that said, you may win favor with the people in his family you actually like, if you suck it up and go. Although it's sucky that you have to deal with this chick, and from what it sounds like you may be stuck having to have her as part of your life, but we don't always get to choose the people we're related to.

However, you are under no obligation to get her a gift especially if she can't even write a simple thank you card, not even a cookie cutter card. She sounds like a spoiled little brat, and just because you go, you don't have to play her games and put up with her BS. Fi can buy her the gift on his dime if he's soooo insistent on you both being there. And when you are at the shower, of course you will probably have to interact with her to some point and play the baby shower activities, but during all of the social times, just avoid her and talk to the people there you genuinely enjoy. I had to go to a bridal shower once for this girl I couldn't stand, and some of my other friends couldn't stand her either so we just hung out in the kitchen and nobody side eyed us because we looked like we were helping with the food... although we did that too. So perhaps you can find an obscure place to chill and be out of her line of sight, and when she's about to open her gifts, make a dash to the bathroom and then come out only after she starts opening her gifts and has already volunteered some other unfortunate person.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

photokitty said:

Okay. FI's mom's cousin's daughter (FI's second cousin?) My FMIL was one of the hostesses of the event and invited me so I felt it would be a good gesture to attend. I really don't want to attend, but FI is insisting that we go since she's family and because FMIL and FBIL will be there. We got into an argument about it last night, but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Based on the above I'd have to say OP's FI or at least FMIL is close to this chick. If FMIL is hosting parties for the chick then she is not just some distant relative. Especially if it warrants a fight with FI. But we can disagree. I would go, she's family to OP's FI and FMIL, even if she is an ingrate. But once again, that's just MHO.

~~~~~

The quote boxes are wonky, and I'm not even on a phone!!!

A second or 3rd cousin is pretty a pretty distant relative to me. . . especially if OP's FI hadn't spoken to her for like 2 years prior to her wedding. Didn't sound like she made any effort to be in contact with the FI either.

So FMIL might be close to this woman, but OP and her FI are not, IMO.

JustNicki · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

photokitty said:

JustNicki said:
Okay. FI's mom's cousin's daughter (FI's second cousin?)
My FMIL was one of the hostesses of the event and invited me so I felt it would be a good gesture to attend. I
really don't want to attend, but FI is insisting that we go since she's family and because FMIL and FBIL will be there. We got into an argument about it last night, but I really don't think I'm being unreasonable.

Based on the above I'd have to say OP's FI or at least FMIL is close to this chick. If FMIL is hosting parties for the chick then she is not just some distant relative. Especially if it warrants a fight with FI. But we can disagree. I would go, she's family to OP's FI and FMIL, even if she is an ingrate. But once again, that's just MHO.

~~~~~

The quote boxes are wonky, and I'm not even on a phone!!!

A second or 3rd cousin is pretty a pretty distant relative to me. . . especially if OP's FI hadn't spoken to her for like 2 years prior to her wedding. Didn't sound like she made any effort to be in contact with the FI either.

So FMIL might be close to this woman, but OP and her FI are not, IMO.

-----------------------------

Damn quote boxes.

To clarify things, FI has a lot of extended family on my FMIL's side who FMIL sees at least on holidays. She comes from a large-ish Italian family and a lot of her cousins live in state. That being said, FMIL is a bit more... well, refined than her cousins. The rude cousin (let's just call her Jane) and her parents are self-proclaimed "hicks." FMIL is in the position where she does things (like co-host a bridal shower) for Jane and family because she wants to stay close with the family but also give them a glimpse into a more urban world. I know for a fact that she didn't approve of Jane's poorly hosted wedding because she was ridiculing it when she, my mom, and I went out to dinner one night (which I didn't think was all that appropriate so we changed the subject). Based on that attitude, I really don't think FMIL would be upset if I didn't come, and we are on great terms.

Anyway, I am not excusing Jane from her poor etiquette, but I can see that it is not due to ill intentions. I think she genuinely has no idea. Gauging by her family, she just thinks certain things that break etiquette (like cash bars and PPDs) are ok. Obviously she needs to be re-educated, but I won't hold a grudge against her forever.

I spoke with FI about it again tonight. He apologized for demanding my attendance, and I apologized for ranting about Jane. We came to the decision that neither of us will attend (I looked up things to expect at a baby shower and he balked), but FI will purchase a small gift and write a card with both of our names on it. Now, we won't have to worry about going to a shower next Sunday! We decided to make it a day for just the two of us to relax and cook together

Amyzen83 · November 2013

I'm glad things all worked out for you both! It sounds like your cousin isn't as terrible person that I first got a glimpse of in the OP, but it definitely sounds like she and her husband are socially clueless.

I wouldn't mind attending some PPDs but it would really depend on the couple's situation and reasoning behind it, but it sounds like your cousin's reason for having one was ridiculous and unnecessary, and I normally don't mind cash bars as long as at least some type of non-water drink is hosted, but the thing that took the cake for me was when you mentioned that her wedding reception was "tiered" and then the huge gap. It doesn't take much common sense to realize that both of those things are rude. The Tiered reception is rude for the obvious, people are getting left out and the gap is just a huge inconvenience and wastes everybody's time.

It sounds like your FMIL is a wonderful person and very gracious! I'm glad that you have a good relationship with her and don't have to feel obligated going to every family event. Anyway it sounds like you and your fiance are making the best decision for you both and your dilemma is solved! Good luck on the rest of your wedding planning and at leas the good thing that came out of your bad experience with cousin's wedding is you definitely know what NOT to do lol!

Do I really have to go?! (kind of a rant)

Re: Do I really have to go?! (kind of a rant)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards