Aunt bringing someone else....part vent, part wondering what to do

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

I have an adopted aunt and uncle whom I am very fond of. They live in upstate NY, and I only get to see them occasionally. They are also my closest tie to my adopted Grandma up there (Uncle is Grandma's bio nephew; Uncle is also my mom's ex-BIL, long story). Sent them a STD with all the others, address was to "Mr. and Mrs. R. Smith" We're planning a relatively small wedding, inviting close family and a few very good friends only. (FI's Dad has 4 living siblings, his Mom had 3 that are still living, so the aunts and uncles make up a good portion of the group). The invitation will also read Mr. and Mrs. R "Smith."

Had a bit of a surprise when speaking to my mom the other day. It's very expensive for Aunt and Uncle to fly down for the wedding, and Uncle isn't a man who is comfortable around formal events (that's ok, I understand, intended to do everything to make him comfortable). Aunt will be flying to a city 5 hours south of my city, staying with a friend and visiting, and then driving with this friend to my wedding. She intends to bring this friend (a complete stranger to me) to my small, intimate wedding, in place of her husband, since a) its too expensive for both Aunt and Uncle to come; and b) she feels it would be rude to stay with friend, have friend go to my town and split costs of gas and hotel.

I'm not saying Aunt can't bring her, I'm just a bit uncomfortable with the presumptuousness. I'm also conflicted, as Aunt and Uncle were the only two relatives on my side outside of FI's and my parents, siblings, grandparents (FI's), my nieces (in BP) and FI's youngest cousin and family (YC is in BP) that we were considering inviting to the much smaller rehersal dinner. (FI is considering inviting an adopted aunt and uncle- very close friends of his late mother).

My gut tells me Aunt will be hurt if I don't invite her to RD, but it also tells me FI's family would be very offended if a total stranger was in attendance at the RD when we're not inviting FI's 8 sets of aunts and uncles and 60+ cousins, just the cousins in the bridal party. Do I say "sorry, Aunt, RD is just going to be the bridal party and parents of kids in the bridal party?" How do I best handle this gracefully?

melbelleup · November 2013

Did you already invite your aunt to the RD? If not, just let it go. Have her come to the wedding with her friend.

ETA: If you don't want her friend to come, you can say sorry we're having a small wedding and cannot accommodate for her friend, but you'd still love to see her (your aunt) there. Be prepared though for your aunt to not be at your wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

The only rude person in this scenario is your aunt.
Invitations are non-transferable. That means, if you invite Aunt and Uncle, and Uncle can't or doesn't want to come, Aunt chooses to come solo or not come at all.

Aunt's solution of staying with her friend for travelling is fine, but staying with said friend doesn't get the friend an invite to your wedding.

DH and I attended a friend's wedding in New England over the summer. Since it was an 8+ hour car trip from where we live, we drove to my aunt and uncle's house the day before, which is about two hours where my friends were getting married, then drove the rest of the way there the next day. We did not think that meant my aunt and uncle were or should have been invited to the wedding.

Since you heard this from your mother, you should have your mother convey to Aunt that the invitation is for her and Uncle only and no one else can be accommodated.

I wouldn't invite her to the RD, but if you choose to, you can just tell FI's family that this is your aunt, to whom you are very close, and you wanted to invite her, which meant her plus-one got to come, too.

ETA: fix typo

climbingsingle · November 2013

I'm sorry your aunt is putting you in this position. It's extremely rude of her. I personally would let her bring her friend to the reception but I wouldn't invite her to the RD.

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

I haven't said anything to my Aunt about the RD. FI and I are still finalizing that before we put together information about the RD to send seperately to those invited.

I don't have an issue with her friend coming, as I really want her to be there, I'm just a little surprised she didn't give me a heads up. That might sound a little controlling, but she and I had talked two days before my mom told me, and my mom was somehow under the impression that Aunt had spoken to me about the friend issue and that I was fine with it.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Chipmunk415 said:
I haven't said anything to my Aunt about the RD. FI and I are still finalizing that before we put together information about the RD to send seperately to those invited.

I don't have an issue with her friend coming, as I really want her to be there, I'm just a little surprised she didn't give me a heads up. That might sound a little controlling, but she and I had talked two days before my mom told me, and my mom was somehow under the impression that Aunt had spoken to me about the friend issue and that I was fine with it.

Actually, in my DH's family that sounds like normal manipulation!

His grandmother is fond of doing something and then just either giving the impression or outright saying, 'so-and-so' said they don't mind (like when she told her SIL she could bring a date to our wedding without asking).

It's controlling of you to think she should have asked/told YOU her plans before telling your mother. That's totally fair.

If you're OK with her brining the friend to the reception, then that's great. As for the RD, figure out who would be hurt MORE -- your aunt if she's not invited or FI's family if she is and her friend comes -- and use that to make a decision.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

Perhaps your aunt isnt comfortable doing the 5 hour drive alone.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Perhaps your aunt isnt comfortable doing the 5 hour drive alone.

This is what i was thinking, though it doesn't really excuse what she did.

itzMS · November 2013

scribe95 said:
I get that the aunt is in the wrong here but I just don't see it as a big deal. They can't afford for both to come; she found another way to get there but doesn't want to attend alone. I honestly wouldn't give this a thought.

This. We had seemingly tons of "transferred" invites. Guest count was still the same. We were happy people came to celebrate with us...even if the guest list was a little skewed from the original.

phira · November 2013

It sounds like you say you're okay with your aunt coming to your wedding with her friend, but that you're not really THAT okay with it (you keep mentioning how there will now be a stranger at your super intimate wedding, which is otherwise irrelevant).

If you really ARE okay with it, then let your aunt come with her friend to the wedding, and don't invite your aunt and her friend to the rehearsal dinner. It wouldn't be unprecedented that extended family wouldn't be invited to a rehearsal dinner.

If you really AREN'T okay with it, here's the deal:

1) Wedding invitations are not transferrable. The invitation was addressed to Aunt and Uncle, not Aunt and Guest. If Uncle can't make it, Aunt doesn't get to invite someone else to the wedding.

2) Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your aunt COULD have flown into your city, or near your city, to attend the wedding, but is choosing to fly to her friend's city instead. It really sounds like, "Oh well, now you HAVE to let me bring my friend because of the way I made my travel plans." It's not as if your aunt called you up saying that she was worried about traveling to the wedding alone, and worked out a plan with you. She did this all without talking with you, and she is PUTTING you in this situation.

3) Your wedding is not an obligation. It sounds like Uncle already decided that he's not comfortable going to your wedding. So if it's really that hard for Aunt to travel without him, then she can either talk to you about alternative arrangements, OR she can stay home, too.

What I'm basically saying is that if you're really cool with your aunt coming with her friend, then okay, but if you're SAYING you're cool with it because you're trying to please everyone and not come off as a bridezilla, what your aunt did was manipulative and rude, and you don't have to accommodate her friend.

Jen4948 · November 2013

phira said:

It sounds like you say you're okay with your aunt coming to your wedding with her friend, but that you're not really THAT okay with it (you keep mentioning how there will now be a stranger at your super intimate wedding, which is otherwise irrelevant).

If you really ARE okay with it, then let your aunt come with her friend to the wedding, and don't invite your aunt and her friend to the rehearsal dinner. It wouldn't be unprecedented that extended family wouldn't be invited to a rehearsal dinner.

If you really AREN'T okay with it, here's the deal:

1) Wedding invitations are not transferrable. The invitation was addressed to Aunt and Uncle, not Aunt and Guest. If Uncle can't make it, Aunt doesn't get to invite someone else to the wedding.

2) Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your aunt COULD have flown into your city, or near your city, to attend the wedding, but is choosing to fly to her friend's city instead. It really sounds like, "Oh well, now you HAVE to let me bring my friend because of the way I made my travel plans." It's not as if your aunt called you up saying that she was worried about traveling to the wedding alone, and worked out a plan with you. She did this all without talking with you, and she is PUTTING you in this situation.

3) Your wedding is not an obligation. It sounds like Uncle already decided that he's not comfortable going to your wedding. So if it's really that hard for Aunt to travel without him, then she can either talk to you about alternative arrangements, OR she can stay home, too.

What I'm basically saying is that if you're really cool with your aunt coming with her friend, then okay, but if you're SAYING you're cool with it because you're trying to please everyone and not come off as a bridezilla, what your aunt did was manipulative and rude, and you don't have to accommodate her friend.

This. I'd tell your aunt that unfortunately, her friend cannot be accommodated at your wedding as she was not invited-only those persons listed on the invitations were, and the invitations are not transferable.

AddieCake · November 2013

Does it really matter? You budgeted for 2 people on that invitation, and 2 people are coming. I just don't see the big deal.

Jen4948 · November 2013

AddieL73 said:

Does it really matter? You budgeted for 2 people on that invitation, and 2 people are coming. I just don't see the big deal.

If she really wanted her uncle to come, then yes, it's annoying that her aunt proposes to bring someone else whom she didn't invite. The budget is irrelevant-she could reallocate that money elsewhere to entertain the guests she really wants rather than have to entertain someone she didn't invite, all because of her aunt's rudeness. It should be up to her, not her aunt, what happens to that money.

Senecaf · November 2013

Personally I'd let the aunt bring her guest and not invite them to the rehersal dinner. I would be alright with her bringing the other person as I would want her to be comfortable. Though I do see why it is considered rude and would in no way fault you for declining her guest.

phira · November 2013

AddieL73 said:

Does it really matter? You budgeted for 2 people on that invitation, and 2 people are coming. I just don't see the big deal.

Invitation =/= ticket. Plus, it's not as if the OP is already paying for those meals and there's going to be an extra one if someone doesn't come eat it. If we get declines, we're using the money left over (since we have a minimum) to upgrade our catering. So I'd definitely be irritated if someone who was not invited was going to come.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

phira said:

AddieL73 said:

Does it really matter? You budgeted for 2 people on that invitation, and 2 people are coming. I just don't see the big deal.

Invitation =/= ticket. Plus, it's not as if the OP is already paying for those meals and there's going to be an extra one if someone doesn't come eat it. If we get declines, we're using the money left over (since we have a minimum) to upgrade our catering. So I'd definitely be irritated if someone who was not invited was going to come.

This. Whether OP budgeted for two people or not, invitations aren't tickets and they aren't transferable. You can't refuse to invite a guest's SO just because you don't like him/her, but you absolutely can refuse to allow a guest who was invited with an SO BY NAME to bring along a random somebody -- or even a non-random somebody whom you didn't invite for reasons of budget, space, or general preference.

Jen4948 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

I think Addie, and me for that matter, understand that an invite isn't a ticket etc. The aunt technically is wrong. We are saying it's not that big of a deal to throw a fit about in the grand scheme of things. If she is fond of the aunt and this is the way the aunt without her uncle then fabulous.

For the aunt to come alone is fine. It is not okay for her to assume she can just bring someone else in the uncle's place. It's not up to guests to determine the guest list. That could be a very big deal-especially if the person the invited guest wants to bring is either a total stranger or someone the hosts don't know or like.

smalfrie19 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

I think Addie, and me for that matter, understand that an invite isn't a ticket etc. The aunt technically is wrong. We are saying it's not that big of a deal to throw a fit about in the grand scheme of things. If she is fond of the aunt and this is the way the aunt without her uncle then fabulous.
For the aunt to come alone is fine. It is not okay for her to assume she can just bring someone else in the uncle's place. It's not up to guests to determine the guest list. That could be a very big deal-especially if the person the invited guest wants to bring is either a total stranger or someone the hosts don't know or like.

This. Especially if one is having an intimate event like it seems the OP is.

Jen4948 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

The aunt might not know anyone, which makes attending alone problematic. Again, I agree it is wrong for her to assume. I think it would have been nice to call the bride and ask.

But in the end I just don't think it's a hill to die on, as we say on here.

You might not, but the couple and hosts might.

Jen4948 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

Yes, that's right. I am stating my opinion. Which is the point of the board. And, by the way, the OP herself said it's fine if this other person comes. She just sounds annoyed about it.

But your opinion seems to be that the couple aren't justified in being angry if one half of an invited couple transfers their invitation to someone not invited...which is not the case. They have every right to be annoyed and "die on this hill" if they choose, because the other person is at fault.

Jen4948 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

Oh for god's sake, I keep saying the aunt is wrong and the bride/groom can decline. I just think if I were in the situation I wouldn't give a rat's ass!

Well, what one person's opinion is doesn't constitute etiquette.

Jen4948 · November 2013

scribe95 said:

I didn't say it did. In fact I have REPEATEDLY said that the aunt is wrong per etiquette.

The next part of that equation, however, is 'what do I do about it" and I have said I personally wouldn't care.

No, you wouldn't care. But if no one says anything to the aunt, she'll take it to mean that she has "permission" to keep doing it whenever her husband doesn't want to attend some event they were invited to.

Aunt bringing someone else....part vent, part wondering what to do

Re: Aunt bringing someone else....part vent, part wondering what to do

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