What to do with my sister
I have a HUGE dilemma. My fiancé and I are planning a very small (12-15 people) destination wedding and then having a big reception back at home. We already had our wedding party worked out (but not asked yet) when last night my sister said to my mom 'I hope she doesn't plan on having short bridesmaid dresses' with the assumption that she is going to be in the wedding party. I did not plan on asking her. We are not close, we fight all of the time, and every time we go somewhere she whines and complains that she wants to go home until she makes us all so miserable that we have to leave. It's gotten so bad that I don't even invite her anywhere because I know she is going to ruin the night. She also refuses to help anyone out and I know I won't be able to depend on her for anything.
Not to pull a total bridezilla moment, but I had already decided on a really cute, short, satin dress style knowing that my three bridesmaid are all thin and would look gorgeous in it. My sister is VERY large and refuses to wear dresses. She may make an exception for my wedding, but it would be long, with sleeves, and just wouldn't match anything at all.
I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't emphasize enough how I feel like she would just be a completely miserable bridesmaid and ruin my day. Is it tacky to ask her to be an honorary bridesmaid and maybe do a reading? My brother will be the one walking me down the aisle.
Any suggestions on how to put it nicely? What other parts of the ceremony/reception can I ask her to be a part of?
Re: What to do with my sister
:-)
Stick to your guns. No need for her to have a role.
Good points. I don't mind if the other girls say no to being my bridesmaids. My fiancé and I have already decided that we aren't worried if the sides are 'off balance' - more that the people in the wedding party are who we really want to be there.
And as far as the styles go, if the girls all hated my favorite that's fine, I just want them to all have the same style and I know they like short. I never considered what my sister would prefer since I never planned on asking her.
That said, change your perspective on your bridesmaids: They have no obligations to "help out." They are only required to obtain your choice of dress, show up on time, sober, and in reasonably good spirits. But when it comes to choosing dresses, you do need to keep your choice within their budgets. So find out before you select a dress whether they can afford it-don't just pick one and demand that your bridesmaids all buy it.
My mom is really not happy with me not wanting my sister in my wedding party which makes me feel terribly guilty. I started to ask myself last night how bad it could be... scary last words, right?!?
I (discreetly) checked out her clothing size and there are NO dressmakers that carry a size that would fit her. Not even close. I feel like it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to loose weight for a wedding. She would have to have a custom dress made. My mom is suggesting that she wear pants and a top that would coordinate. Am I seriously out of line if I say she has to have a dress made or not be in the wedding party? I feel like I am compromising A LOT just by including her in the wedding party in the first place.
(Also, what exactly would you be compromising to have her in the wedding party? I feel like you are going to say the pictures....)
You're right about asking someone to be in the wedding party because they mean a lot to me. I feel like I am compromising even having her in the party just to keep my mom happy. I don't want her in it for all the personality reasons - we don't like each other, we fight, she pouts and whines when she doesn't want to be somewhere, etc. If I really wanted her in my party I don't think I would even be worried about the dress thing. I would find a way to make it work.
Bottom line is I feel like I am being forced into including my sister by my mom and I don't want my mom to be unhappy.
I'm not saying you have to include her, but don't make this about the dress or about her weight. Don't include her because you don't like her, don't want her to etc. Stop making excuses to not include her and tell your mother that it is your wedding, you get to pick the wedding party. Is your mom paying for the wedding?
ETA: To the 2nd bolded: Yes, it is EXTREMELY rude. You should go based on your girls' budgets on what dress to get. If that means your sister's custom dress is over her budget, you have to pick a different dress. I don't see an issue with her being in dress pants and a top though. Like others said, you can always have her do a reading, or stand your ground and don't involve her at all.. this might also include momma not giving you the money funds though.
melbelleup : You're right, I am making excuses because the bottom line is I just flat out don't want her as a BM. Thanks for the reality check. :-)
On the momma not being happy, I guess if my fiancé and I are the ones paying for the entire wedding it is my choice at the end of the day. Extra BM=extra costs for me as well.
I don't know what has come over me, I am NOT a drama person at all, ever!!! I can't believe the excuses I tried to pull out to dance around the subject.
I put on my big-girl pants and said to my mom after work today that it is rude to assume you are going to be in a wedding, rude to ask, and really not nice to demand and guilt someone into a wedding party. (Few tears appeared on my end) I said that I get to pick my bridesmaids and I get to pick people who I REALLY want to be there. I think now she sees my perspective now and that forcing me to have my sister in the wedding is going to make me really unhappy.
I really appreciate all of the advice!!! It's awesome to get it from people who aren't emotionally involved in the situation. :-)