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What to do with my sister

amishchick81amishchick81 member
Knottie Warrior First Comment
in Wedding Party

I have a HUGE dilemma.  My fiancé and I are planning a very small (12-15 people) destination wedding and then having a big reception back at home.  We already had our wedding party worked out (but not asked yet) when last night my sister said to my mom 'I hope she doesn't plan on having short bridesmaid dresses' with the assumption that she is going to be in the wedding party.  I did not plan on asking her.  We are not close, we fight all of the time, and every time we go somewhere she whines and complains that she wants to go home until she makes us all so miserable that we have to leave.  It's gotten so bad that I don't even invite her anywhere because I know she is going to ruin the night.  She also refuses to help anyone out and I know I won't be able to depend on her for anything. 

Not to pull a total bridezilla moment, but I had already decided on a really cute, short, satin dress style knowing that my three bridesmaid are all thin and would look gorgeous in it.  My sister is VERY large and refuses to wear dresses.  She may make an exception for my wedding, but it would be long, with sleeves, and just wouldn't match anything at all.

I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't emphasize enough how I feel like she would just be a completely miserable bridesmaid and ruin my day.  Is it tacky to ask her to be an honorary bridesmaid and maybe do a reading?  My brother will be the one walking me down the aisle.

Any suggestions on how to put it nicely?  What other parts of the ceremony/reception can I ask her to be a part of?

 

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Re: What to do with my sister

  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If you don't want her as a bridesmaid, that is perfectly fine.  She shouldn't expect to be one, no one should.  If I were you, I would not mention anything about it but continue on with the wedding plans and just ask the women I wanted as BMs.  I would not ask her to be an "honourary bridesmaid"; if you want, you could ask her to do a reading or something, but you do not have to ask her to be incorporated in your ceremony at all.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I have a HUGE dilemma.  My fiancé and I are planning a very small (12-15 people) destination wedding and then having a big reception back at home.  We already had our wedding party worked out (but not asked yet) when last night my sister said to my mom 'I hope she doesn't plan on having short bridesmaid dresses' with the assumption that she is going to be in the wedding party.  I did not plan on asking her.  We are not close, we fight all of the time, and every time we go somewhere she whines and complains that she wants to go home until she makes us all so miserable that we have to leave.  It's gotten so bad that I don't even invite her anywhere because I know she is going to ruin the night.  She also refuses to help anyone out and I know I won't be able to depend on her for anything. 

    Not to pull a total bridezilla moment, but I had already decided on a really cute, short, satin dress style knowing that my three bridesmaid are all thin and would look gorgeous in it.  My sister is VERY large and refuses to wear dresses.  She may make an exception for my wedding, but it would be long, with sleeves, and just wouldn't match anything at all.

    I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't emphasize enough how I feel like she would just be a completely miserable bridesmaid and ruin my day.  Is it tacky to ask her to be an honorary bridesmaid and maybe do a reading?  My brother will be the one walking me down the aisle.

    Any suggestions on how to put it nicely?  What other parts of the ceremony/reception can I ask her to be a part of?

     

    You do not have to ask your sister to be a BM if you don't want to.

    You said that you already picked the dress that you want your not yet asked BMs to wear.  First, that is a big no-no.  You need to first ask these girls if they want to be BMs and make sure that they know your wedding is a destination wedding and then find out their budget for the dresses.  I also think that it is kind of horrible that this dress means more to you then your sisters feelings.  Like I said you don't have to ask her to be BM but to say that only your skinny friends will look good in the dress you picked and that your sister would want to wear something that doesn't fit in with your style since she is large is a bit mean.

    And the only way someone can ruin your day is if you let them.  

    Just invite her as a guest and leave it at that.
    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    amishchick81 said:

    I have a HUGE dilemma.  My fiancé and I are planning a very small (12-15 people) destination wedding and then having a big reception back at home.  We already had our wedding party worked out (but not asked yet) when last night my sister said to my mom 'I hope she doesn't plan on having short bridesmaid dresses' with the assumption that she is going to be in the wedding party.  I did not plan on asking her.  We are not close, we fight all of the time, and every time we go somewhere she whines and complains that she wants to go home until she makes us all so miserable that we have to leave.  It's gotten so bad that I don't even invite her anywhere because I know she is going to ruin the night.  She also refuses to help anyone out and I know I won't be able to depend on her for anything. 

    Not to pull a total bridezilla moment, but I had already decided on a really cute, short, satin dress style knowing that my three bridesmaid are all thin and would look gorgeous in it.  My sister is VERY large and refuses to wear dresses.  She may make an exception for my wedding, but it would be long, with sleeves, and just wouldn't match anything at all.

    I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't emphasize enough how I feel like she would just be a completely miserable bridesmaid and ruin my day.  Is it tacky to ask her to be an honorary bridesmaid and maybe do a reading?  My brother will be the one walking me down the aisle.

    Any suggestions on how to put it nicely?  What other parts of the ceremony/reception can I ask her to be a part of?

    You could definitely ask her to do a reading but only if you WANT a reading and you want HER to do it. You do not by any means need to have her as a BM. She might just have made that comment because she's wondering what you'll pick - not because she thinks she'll be one. It's not rude at all to give her no special role (other than guest) at all. 
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    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
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  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    We didn't have siblings in the wedding party. DH's brother (age 30) whined to FIL how it wasnt fair blahblah and he wanted to ride in our limo blahblah. FIL actually tried to buy BIL's way into our WP. DH held firm, and 15 months later no one cares anymore.
    :-)

    Stick to your guns. No need for her to have a role.
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  • amishchick81amishchick81 member
    Knottie Warrior First Comment

    Good points.  I don't mind if the other girls say no to being my bridesmaids.  My fiancé and I have already decided that we aren't worried if the sides are 'off balance' - more that the people in the wedding party are who we really want to be there.

    And as far as the styles go, if the girls all hated my favorite that's fine, I just want them to all have the same style and I know they like short.  I never considered what my sister would prefer since I never planned on asking her.

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  • jdblnnjdblnn member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its
    Agreed that if you don't want her to be in your wedding, you don't have to.  It's totally your decision as it's your wedding.  There are some ways to get her involved such as doing a reading, being an 'usherette' or greeter, or having her be your attendant on the day. That being said, it sounds like there may be some expectation on her end she will be in the BP.  To avoid any bigger disagreement than necessary, I would approach her about it and tell her that you are having only friends as your bridesmaids as your trying to keep it small, but that it will mean alot to you for her to be there on your big day and you can't wait to celebrate with her.  
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    jdblnn said:
    Agreed that if you don't want her to be in your wedding, you don't have to.  It's totally your decision as it's your wedding.  There are some ways to get her involved such as doing a reading, being an 'usherette' or greeter, or having her be your attendant on the day. That being said, it sounds like there may be some expectation on her end she will be in the BP.  To avoid any bigger disagreement than necessary, I would approach her about it and tell her that you are having only friends as your bridesmaids as your trying to keep it small, but that it will mean alot to you for her to be there on your big day and you can't wait to celebrate with her.  
    OP, don't do this.  If there are only going to be 12-15 guests at your wedding, you clearly don't need an usher or greeter; more than that though, it sounds like your sister's involvement in the wedding festivities would ruin your day and that you don't want her to be involved.  So i don't think you should ask her to do anything special.  If you want her to do a reading, fine, but it sounds like asking her to do an actual job would cause her to drive you crazy.  I wouldn't suggest doing that to yourself.
    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLost
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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    amishchick81 said:

    I have a HUGE dilemma.  My fiancé and I are planning a very small (12-15 people) destination wedding and then having a big reception back at home.  We already had our wedding party worked out (but not asked yet) when last night my sister said to my mom 'I hope she doesn't plan on having short bridesmaid dresses' with the assumption that she is going to be in the wedding party.  I did not plan on asking her.  We are not close, we fight all of the time, and every time we go somewhere she whines and complains that she wants to go home until she makes us all so miserable that we have to leave.  It's gotten so bad that I don't even invite her anywhere because I know she is going to ruin the night.  She also refuses to help anyone out and I know I won't be able to depend on her for anything. 

    Not to pull a total bridezilla moment, but I had already decided on a really cute, short, satin dress style knowing that my three bridesmaid are all thin and would look gorgeous in it.  My sister is VERY large and refuses to wear dresses.  She may make an exception for my wedding, but it would be long, with sleeves, and just wouldn't match anything at all.

    I don't want to hurt her feelings but I can't emphasize enough how I feel like she would just be a completely miserable bridesmaid and ruin my day.  Is it tacky to ask her to be an honorary bridesmaid and maybe do a reading?  My brother will be the one walking me down the aisle.

    Any suggestions on how to put it nicely?  What other parts of the ceremony/reception can I ask her to be a part of?

     

    Other than buying the dress you pick -- in consideration of their budgets and modesty comfort levels -- no BM has any obligation other than to show up on time and sober.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostDreamergirl8812
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't ask her.

    That said, change your perspective on your bridesmaids:  They have no obligations to "help out."  They are only required to obtain your choice of dress, show up on time, sober, and in reasonably good spirits.  But when it comes to choosing dresses, you do need to keep your choice within their budgets.  So find out before you select a dress whether they can afford it-don't just pick one and demand that your bridesmaids all buy it.
    KeptInStitchesdoeydo
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  • amishchick81amishchick81 member
    Knottie Warrior First Comment

    My mom is really not happy with me not wanting my sister in my wedding party which makes me feel terribly guilty. I started to ask myself last night how bad it could be... scary last words, right?!?

    I (discreetly) checked out her clothing size and there are NO dressmakers that carry a size that would fit her.  Not even close.  I feel like it's completely inappropriate to ask someone to loose weight for a wedding.  She would have to have a custom dress made.  My mom is suggesting that she wear pants and a top that would coordinate.  Am I seriously out of line if I say she has to have a dress made or not be in the wedding party?  I feel like I am compromising A LOT just by including her in the wedding party in the first place.

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  • amishchick81amishchick81 member
    Knottie Warrior First Comment

    You're right about asking someone to be in the wedding party because they mean a lot to me.  I feel like I am compromising even having her in the party just to keep my mom happy.  I don't want her in it for all the personality reasons - we don't like each other, we fight, she pouts and whines when she doesn't want to be somewhere, etc.  If I really wanted her in my party I don't think I would even be worried about the dress thing.  I would find a way to make it work.

    Bottom line is I feel like I am being forced into including my sister by my mom and I don't want my mom to be unhappy.

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  • amishchick81amishchick81 member
    Knottie Warrior First Comment

    melbelleup :  You're right, I am making excuses because the bottom line is I just flat out don't want her as a BM.  Thanks for the reality check.  :-)

    On the momma not being happy, I guess if my fiancé and I are the ones paying for the entire wedding it is my choice at the end of the day.  Extra BM=extra costs for me as well.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Who cares what your mom thinks? She should keep her opinions about this to herself. Your wedding party affects her not at all. 
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    doeydo
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  • amishchick81amishchick81 member
    Knottie Warrior First Comment

    I don't know what has come over me, I am NOT a drama person at all, ever!!!  I can't believe the excuses I tried to pull out to dance around the subject.

    I put on my big-girl pants and said to my mom after work today that it is rude to assume you are going to be in a wedding, rude to ask, and really not nice to demand and guilt someone into a wedding party.  (Few tears appeared on my end)  I said that I get to pick my bridesmaids and I get to pick people who I REALLY want to be there.  I think now she sees my perspective now and that forcing me to have my sister in the wedding is going to make me really unhappy.

    I really appreciate all of the advice!!!  It's awesome to get it from people who aren't emotionally involved in the situation.  :-)

    doeydoKeptInStitchessouthernbelle0915
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