Vent about open bars

nyrek · February 2010

Wow...quite a read.

We are also paying for our own wedding...we are offering an open bar. Because that's polite.

We scaled down our guest list to keep the number within our budget. We did not cut dinner just to be able to invite more people. Nor did we cut out the music. Because that would be wierd and rude. Just as not offering your guests a bar is rude.

The only people who "...think it's become less of an expectation that the hosts pay for liquor for the entire evening." are the ones who don't want to pay for it. But that does not make it any less rude or cheap.

ShaboAE · February 2010

No, I think a PP had it right with a regional thing. None of the weddings I've been to in MA had a full open bar, but I know a lot of friends from Long Island that never even thought of having a cash bar. I know for a fact that none of my family would blink at a cash bar. I should also add that the hosts did pay for some part of alcohol, but not the entire evening worth.

I also feel that states that have cheaper alcohol are the ones that believe no guest should pay for drinks. And BYOB parties are not uncommon around here at all.

If nothing else, you've all reminded me of the slight variations in culture that exist around the country.

BTW, some cultures put a minimum $ gift amount on their wedding invitations, and even though they have upwards of 500 guests, the guests end up paying for the entire wedding through their "gifts". They may have an open bar, but technically the guests are still buying their own drinks.

_Fenton · February 2010

Oh, different cultures. Kind of like how it's perfectly acceptable in my culture to call posters on message boards dumbcunts. In my culture, it's rude not to. You dumbcunts need to respect my culture, OK??

lyndausvi · February 2010

Only you know your family and friends and how they would react.

I would have been disowned on both sides if I even considered a cash bar. I've never attended a social event that did not have alcohol. That includes, but not limited to first b-day parties, baby showers, bridal showers, mother's day, xmas, easter, funerals, BBQ, heck a random Sunday dinner at grandma's had alcohol. It's how we host events. So a wedding is no different IMO. If you can't afford the alcohol at the venue, find another venue.

CaptiolBride · February 2010

OMG this is the funniest thread ever!!!! I can't stop laughing!

bowlerchick1705 · February 2010

When my friend got married the reception totally sucked they didn't have a bar at all..... Let's put it this way it's easier for people to relaxe when they have had one or two drinks.. im not saying the over do it . I mean there grown ups they will know when to stop drinking....but people feel more comfertable around other people that they don't know after a few drinks... I felt so bad for my friend like barley no one was dancing at her recpetion and it was hard enough for people to get comfertable to even dance with the bride during the dollar dance..... im not saying to have the bar because it makes the part im saying have the bar because people will be more relaxed in making conversation with others and getting up and socializing and then you have a great party... i know im shy has all hell and if i don;t have at least soemthing to relaxe me im going to not dance that much or even talk that much because being the center of attention is something that im not used to.....

bowlerchick1705 · February 2010

to add on.... i don't know see im in the same boat with coming up with the money for the open bar but i have to do it..... we've been to our friends weddings and they all had an open bar and i have people spending alot of money just to travel to get to the reception since its like three hours away from where they live and some of them are into drinking and making it a party.... so i would feel crappy to have guests make the effort of coming to my special day and not get anything out of it

latourelle83 · February 2010

I think it matters where you are from too. I have been to weddings where they served beer and wine and weddings where they don't serve anything. But I don't think anyone should expect a completely open bar. Beer and wine is plenty. And as for the first post she said she was just on here to vent. So who cares. If she doesn't want to have an open bar then that is her own choice. I don't see how it affects anyone else. So for all of you people with negative feedback just get over yourselves. Just because you don't agree with her opinion doesn't mean that yours is right.

CaliopeSpidrman · February 2010

Seeing as how this board is (woefully) labeled "Snarky Brides" and is where you go for blunt, honest advice, I believe we are pretty much required to preach our opinion to anyone who dares enter.

plessjm · February 2010

I agree with most of the girls here... My FI and I are paying for our wedding and we would never not have an open bar. You are a host throwing a party and you wouldnt charge people for drinks and dinner if they came over to visit you.

I attended a cash bar and IT SUCKED because none of the guests knew it was a cash bar and not brought a whole lot of money its a wedding not a club/bar. The sodas and water were even 5 bucks. you can just imagine how much the alcoholic drinks were. Pretty much 60% of their party left soon after the traditional dances due to the unmentioned charges.

psichick · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:e4d6a606-5597-4bf0-a80f-f9f07a8196c1">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]I think we are doing wine and beer for the reception, there will be two bottles of wine per table (this comes with the package) and champagne toast and we may do some German Beers because fiance is German, but I am not paying for top shelf liquor if someone wants that they can pay for that. I think that is more than enough! I haven't heard of any guest expecting full on open bar. I may also do transport for all guests staying at hotel from hotel, to church, to venue, back to hotel so they can have fun! I have been to a wedding that did that (lots of people take advantage and this was a crowd that liked to drink). All top shelf brands! Bar bill at end of night was $18k. Um no thanks! We are paying for this wedding pretty much ourselves (my parents are covering flowers, his the rehearsal dinner). Maybe alot of us here on the East Coast are different but Ilve only been to one wedding in recent history that had full on open bar others had some paid some cash etc. If someone got upset because I wasn't providing top-shelf liquor for free they can screw. I wouldn't want that person in my life! All of my friends who have gotten married before me didn't even offer a full night of wine and beer.
Posted by snoangel79[/QUOTE]

no it has nothing to do with the east coast. i live in ny (which last time i checked is the east coast) and i have NEVER been to a wedding that wasn't a full open bar.

two bottles of wine per table? that's about a glass a person. completely not enough imo. hell most of us here can probably down a bottle ourselves.

so while it might be regional, from what i've read so far it's only the boston region around here that will argue for a cash bar or severely limited open bar, not the entire east coast so please don't group us all together.

shanollee · February 2010

[QUOTE]sorry, two bottles of wine are included per table and champagne and I said open wine and beer all night. Just not top shelf liquor paid for. <strong>maybe if those cancer treatments I had hadn't cost so much I would do top shelf liquor but we'd like to get married just the same and I think it will be a nice wedding!</strong> sorry to offend you, but I guess Boston is different. I'm not being mean and I wish you'd be alittle nicer with your comment towards me!
Posted by snoangel79[/QUOTE]

The tragedy card. It has been thrown

lyndausvi · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:beea6808-2d72-4927-b2a4-ccfbe8b36ce5">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]I think OP was right when it comes to where you live. Not culturally, but Im from Ma too. And there are very strict liquor laws and liquor is taxed through the roof. I wonder how many of you who are so adamant about the open bar get to bring your own booze? Some of you who get to pick all these special beers etc, do the places offer those or do you get to bring them in? You dont get a choice here in blue law Ma. Taxes are so high on alcohol that if i want to do open bar for my guests it would come to an extra $58 a person. ( most places require you to pay per head in Ma rather than base it off of consumption). I have 250 people coming. So I should put 14,500 bucks aside for this? On top of the 25K food minimum? This is on top of the few grand im spending on wine at the tables during dinner. So 40 grand to feed my guests and make sure they have liquor for days....... For all you self righteous posters, how much did you spend on YOUR open bar?
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

To answer your question. I paid about $3k for top shelf liquor for 140 people in Cape May New Jersey.

and you are correct, I would not have spent $14k for just the liquor bill. The big difference is I would not have picked a venue where there was a $14k bar bill.. Even if it meant we had to have a wedding at the local fire hall a full sit-down meal with an full top-shelf open bar was a non-negotiable. Both of our families care more about the food and bar than a pretty venue.

buddhagouda · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:a43738c6-8c25-4ae5-8651-0aaf45ae9e23">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]The tragedy card. It has been thrown
Posted by shanollee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>She should have done more camping. Wait...no...that's for aids isn't it? What was our cure for cancer?

</div>

Blueyed228 · February 2010

and you are correct, I would not have spent $14k for just the liquor bill. The big difference is I would not have picked a venue where there was a $14k bar bill.. Even if it meant we had to have a wedding at the local fire hall a full sit-down meal with an full top-shelf open bar was a non-negotiable. Both of our families care more about the food and bar than a pretty venue.

Well like I said, here in Mass you dont get much of a choice. Either you can come to my wedding and enjoy top food, a big ballroom, with entertainment, parking, etc. Or we can go to the VFW and eat chicken fingers, but you get your booze for free.

Also, MANY venues here do not let you do just a beer and wine open bar. Its basically all or nothing.

There are very few venues that do not have that large of a food minimum. AND they tax you 22% on the charges for "service fee's" AND 6.25% sales tax. So take your budget, and add 28.25% tax on it, then tell me what you can afford. Im spending close to 50K on my wedding, at a medium priced place (if i wanted to go into Boston and have it at a hotel, plates start at $125 a head for chicken), with a cocktail hour of unlimited passed apps, 3 hours open bar, champagne toast, 4 course meal, cake, and wine at the tables for dinner. If my guests have a problem with that, then they can F off.

Id love to be one of those brides who had a consumption bar that didnt even hit 4K, but where I live, thats an impossibility. Even at the VFW.

Its easy to throw stones when you live in a place where things are much cheaper and not taxed as high. You can have your "fire hall sit down dinner". Ill take my classy yacht club.

Im glad your friends and family care more about the food and bar than your actual wedding experience. Mine on the other hand care more about me having a beautiful wedding. I didnt realize my WEDDING budget should only focus on how liquored up my "guests" can get. I mean really, at that rate, instead of a reception, I should just host a pub crawl.

modb1rd · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:beea6808-2d72-4927-b2a4-ccfbe8b36ce5">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]ITaxes are so high on alcohol that if i want to do open bar for my guests it would come to an extra $58 a person. ( most places require you to pay per head in Ma rather than base it off of consumption). I have 250 people coming. So I should put 14,500 bucks aside for this? On top of the 25K food minimum? This is on top of the few grand im spending on wine at the tables during dinner. So 40 grand to feed my guests and make sure they have liquor for days.......
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Yes that is exactly what you should do. If you can't afford to entertain your guests than you should have a different guest list or a different kind of party.

HappyTummy613 · February 2010

FIFTY GRAND, coupled with your comment about the GENEROUS DONATION to a church in the other thread, leads me to believe that you like to flaunt your money.

Blueyed228 · February 2010

Not at all. Its just that to call people "Cheap" because they would rather put their money somewhere else, or because to offer an open bar would really break the moderate budget, is wrong.

Offering an open bar for some people is only a few grand because of where they live, For others its 15K. Just sayin that unless you know the circumstances about what people get to choose from, you shouldnt throw stones.

If I had my wedding in a place that open bar was only 3K like the PP, then of course I would do it. But thats not an option for me, and alot of brides where I am from. There is no negotioation here either. The price is the price. Take it or leave it.

shanollee · February 2010

But not enough to provide libations for her guests. All your money flaunting in other ways will be in vain, I'm afraid

cinderella_pink_princess · February 2010

Within an hour of my residence, I have never been to a wedding reception that had an open bar all night. People just expect to pay for their drinks. No one thinks that its rude, your already getting your food paid for and people appreciate that. Some weddings have open bar for one hour, or they give each guest one drink ticket to go to the bar and get a drink of their choice. They also might have signature drinks like "the blushing bride" and people pay for those drinks but the money goes towards the bride and grooms honeymoon spending money. The wedding dances around here turn into town dances. So all the highschool kids and people you don't even know show up. It would be rediculuos to pay for everyones drinks.

Blueyed228 · February 2010

Its not flaunting. Its how much it costs to get married here. Plain and simple. I dont know of any bride where I live who got married for less than 35K. We live in Taxachusetts. Its how much stuff costs here.

HappyTummy613 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:e76d4491-e052-458b-a02e-f92259a0c494">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE] I wish I didnt have to spend that much money on my wedding. But I do, to insure a great time for all. So I highly doubt that makes me cheap. I bet most girls dont spend 15K on their total wedding, nevermind just the liquor bill.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

You're so right. Totally not flaunting. Not at all.

lyndausvi · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:587e23ad-36f6-4180-b97c-80a73c95e88b">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]and you are correct, I would not have spent $14k for just the liquor bill. The big difference is I would not have picked a venue where there was a $14k bar bill.. Even if it meant we had to have a wedding at the local fire hall a full sit-down meal with an full top-shelf open bar was a non-negotiable. Both of our families care more about the food and bar than a pretty venue.

Well like I said, here in Mass you dont get much of a choice. Either you can come to my wedding and enjoy top food, a big ballroom, with entertainment, parking, etc. Or we can go to the VFW and eat chicken fingers, but you get your booze for free. Also, MANY venues here do not let you do just a beer and wine open bar. Its basically all or nothing. There are very few venues that do not have that large of a food minimum. AND they tax you 22% on the charges for "service fee's" AND 6.25% sales tax. So take your budget, and add 28.25% tax on it, then tell me what you can afford. Im spending close to 50K on my wedding, at a medium priced place (if i wanted to go into Boston and have it at a hotel, plates start at $125 a head for chicken), with a cocktail hour of unlimited passed apps, 3 hours open bar, champagne toast, 4 course meal, cake, and wine at the tables for dinner. If my guests have a problem with that, then they can F off. Id love to be one of those brides who had a consumption bar that didnt even hit 4K, but where I live, thats an impossibility. Even at the VFW. Its easy to throw stones when you live in a place where things are much cheaper and not taxed as high. You can have your "fire hall sit down dinner". Ill take my classy yacht club. Im glad your friends and family care more about the food and bar than your actual wedding experience. Mine on the other hand care more about me having a beautiful wedding. I didnt realize my WEDDING budget should only focus on how liquored up my "guests" can get. I mean really, at that rate, instead of a reception, I should just host a pub crawl.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

blah, blah, blah.

This arguement is actually pretty dumb. I will never convince you cash bars are rude. You will never convince me that cash bars are not rude. I only know that I was raised that you never, ever make someone pay at an event you are hosting. There is no excuse in either my family or my DH's familiy where a cash bar is accepted. (btw - open bar weddings have been a part of my families weddings dating back to my great-great grandparents. It's not like it's new or anything)

Lucky for you your social group does not find it a problem. Since my social group is not invited to your wedding, you do not have to worry about it.

btw - My sales tax was 7%, 20-25% service charge is standard in the the industry. My wedding budget was about the same as yours only I had 140 guests not 250. I just got lucky that I had a cheaper liquor bill. Considering my budget If it was more expensive I'm sure I would have been able to find another location I could afford the open bar without going to a VFW.

duckie1905 · February 2010

I'd probably remember a VFW wedding in which everyone has a great time, wallets closed, with more affection than some hugely expensive yacht wedding in which I had to open my wallet (again-after travel, gifts, etc) to pay for drinks because the bride and groom thought they'd already paid enough to host me.

Nothing like making your guests feel special and welcome.

I don't care how much someone spends on their wedding but I do remember times in which I felt that my presence, and my desire to not have to pay $12 for a cocktail, made me feel like a burden.

bowlerchick1705 · February 2010

ok your paying 50k for your wedding there is no reason you couldnt afford an open bar...my FI and I are budget for 8k and we are still getting an open bar with top shelf drinks granted we got a lil bit of a deal plus i have 200 guests coming..... are u serious i feel no pity for someone that can afford 50k and say they can't do an open bar....... thats just plan frigin greed right there... holy hell....and im doing this with the fact that im layed off and collecting unemployment... wow that just really annoys me !!

SarahPLiz · February 2010

Wow, the state must be rich. It only costs $70 to get married here.

I guess I'm lucky because I can get 2 kegs of local beer and a bottle of local wine per legal aged guest for about $900 here (50-60 drinkers). My dad is bringing 3 bottles of his favorite scotch. The point is to host all you can. My guests may not have liquor available, besides scotch, but they are all beer and wine drinkers. There will also be soda, tea, and coffee. Its always ok to host as much as you can afford, but not to put the cost of your party on your guests.

jnish · February 2010

I think this just comes down to those that are polite and think about the comfort of their guests and those that think about themselves. A lot of people pay for their own weddings and are do not cut costs when it comes to food and drinks. FI and I are paying for our own wedding without help from anyone but I would never dream of cutting corners and saying well we're paying for it ourselves so too bad. I'd also be willing to bet that although no one would say anything to your face they are going to talk behind your back.

**Also if you happened to actually read the posts most people say that you should host drinks such as water, soda, beer and wine, they don't say that you should have top shelf liquor available to everyone.

AlmondWhittle · February 2010

I live in Massachusetts. I didn't have an open bar for a variety of reasons, none which are especially good reasons. That being said, I did regret it later, because the tab would have only been about 2k extra. It wasn't something that surprised any of my guests though- I have never been to an open bar wedding, and until I started reading the knot I assumed cash bars were what everyone did. It might just be a Massachusetts thing, although I know a few people will disagree with that too. Maybe its a just a lower to middle class Massachusetts thing? I'm not sure. But in defense of the whiny ITS MY DAY masshole, its definitely not quite as frowned upon by most people here as it is elsewhere.

As far as not being able to have a wedding for less than 35k in MA, you are full of sh!t. I had 100 guests and spent about 8k, everything included. I can name a variety of places you would be able to do the same. Don't make all the residents of massachusetts sound like huge snobby tools.

Blueyed228 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:5751bdb6-21d8-41da-8da0-d15fbae279fd">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]. As far as not being able to have a wedding for less than 35k in MA, you are full of sh!t. I had 100 guests and spent about 8k, everything included. I can name a variety of places you would be able to do the same. Don't make all the residents of massachusetts sound like huge snobby tools.
Posted by AlmondWhittle[/QUOTE]

Where exactly did you get married. I said you cant have the type of wedding they are talking about with full hosted open bar with the amount of people I am having for less than that. $80 a head (for everything) is a great deal! I looked at just about every venue in Ma and could not find that price. Most venues had a 20K minimum just on food (for a saturday night). Factor in booze, dress, photographer, limos, flowers, etc and it hits 35K easily.

I also didnt say I wont have a full open bar. I have not made that decision yet. I said i was thinking of doing 3 hours (and only because i dont feel right about having people drive home after 6 hours of drinking for free). I agree with you when you say its not frowned upon if you only host a partial open bar or none at all. All of my friends think its a bonus if the bar is open, not an expectation. I have never gone to a wedding expecting an open bar, and I would never refuse to go to a wedding if there wasnt one. I accept invitations to weddings to be a part of a very special day for someone I care a great deal for. I could care less if the bar was open.

People should do what they want for their reception and not feel like they cant have all of the family and friends they want to invite just because they cant afford the bar tab.

What about people who dont offer ANY alcohol because of religious beliefs? Should they not have a wedding because there is no alcohol? I just think its ridiculous that so much focus is on booze.

banana468 · February 2010

There's a huge difference between not doing something that you know your guests would appreciate and not doing something that goes against your complete beliefs.

The focus isn't ON the booze but it becomes that when a host goes against proper etiquette. Then people only remember the stuff that's a negative.

Yes, some things are expensive but you don't HAVE to have a big wedding. If you do though, don't cut back on a very important hosting element.

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