No reception

GPla08 · November 2013

Hello! My soon-to-be fiancè and I were talking about our wedding day and so the topic of the reception came into the conversation. He wants us not to have one and use that money to go on a cruise as our honeymoon. I still want something simple, like a cocktail, we have the toast, first dance, cake, and that's basically it. How can we get to agree on this?

foxish · November 2013

If you're having guests at your wedding, you should host them. That can be as simple as a cake and punch or as complex as a plated served meal, as long as it is at an appropriate time of day for the amount of food.

bride2b71614 · November 2013

I agree with @foxish, you need to host guests if you are having them. Unless you are planning to elope, a reception can be avoided. That being said, he may change his mind once he proposes, until then you have time to have multiple conversations and attempt to find some sort of compromise.

bethsmiles · November 2013

It's rude not to have a reception. It's doesn't have to be extravagant but you do need to thank your guests.

This really isn't something you need to be worried about until you are engaged though.

CLoGreenEyes · November 2013

I agree with Beth that it's not something you need to stress over until y'all are engaged and actively planning.

However, I also think you're correct that having a little something after your ceremony is the right thing to do - people are excited to come see you get married, so the least you can do is provide some cake and punch and visit with them for a little while afterward.

There are a lot of ways to have a nice reception on a small budget. When the time comes, you can check out the DIY/Budget section of the boards for some ideas. Here are some others that I've heard worked out for people:

-Taking your guests out to dinner at a restaurant for a meal after the ceremony (especially if it's only immediate family in attendance)

-Cake and punch (keep in mind that if you're not providing a meal, it's best to host this at a non-mealtime - maybe 3 pm for something like this)

-Doing a very simple meal - think backyard BBQ or spaghetti or something, either at someone's house, at a local park, etc.

The best way to keep your costs down is to keep your guest list small. So when y'all talk about it next, decide which of your family and friends you MUST have there, and plan accordingly.

Swazzle · November 2013

If you're not engaged, this shouldn't even be a concern.

beanbot2002 · November 2013

In an attempt to not be a meany pants, I will just say: what @bethsmiles and @swazzle said.

Also, he's your BF, not your pre-FI, not your FFI (future FI), not your FH. Enjoy him as your BF! And while you're (dear god, patiently) waiting, find some things to keep you busy so you don't head down a path of pre-planning.

loves2shop4shoes · November 2013

He's not your "soon to be fiance." He's your BF.

@bethsmiles is correct. It is rude to not have some type of reception to thank your guests for attending your wedding. BUT, until your BF is ACTUALLY your fiance, you shouldn't be concerning yourself with this.

radleyboo · November 2013

If you don't want to have a reception, elope. If you want to have friends and family witness your marriage, it is proper etiquette to host them after the wedding. A simple cake and champagne toast reception that is NOT around a meal time would be inexpensive and simple. I recommend you lurk on the etiquette board for a while. Oh, and get engaged before you start planning.

GPla08 · November 2013

I am pre-engaged, (It's a slightly unknown tradition), so that's why we the topic comes in every now and then. BTW, thanks for the advice, ladies!

Ollie08 · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I am pre-engaged, (It's a slightly unknown tradition), so that's why we the topic comes in every now and then. BTW, thanks for the advice, ladies!

What exactly is pre-engaged and where is this a tradition? As for the actual question, I think that @bethsmiles said what I would have.

KeptInStitches · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I am pre-engaged, (It's a slightly unknown tradition), so that's why we the topic comes in every now and then. BTW, thanks for the advice, ladies!

Like being "a little bit pregnant", this isn't possible.

Blackbird230 · November 2013

Wait a sec, pre-engaged is a tradition now?

phira · November 2013

I didn't have a traditional engagement (my partner and I had already decided when we'd be engaged, and got rings together). Never considered ourselves pre-engaged.

Honestly, it just sounds like your partner is interested in eloping vs. having a ceremony and reception where people are invited. It's something you'll need to discuss when you're engaged.

bethsmiles · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I am pre-engaged, (It's a slightly unknown tradition), so that's why we the topic comes in every now and then. BTW, thanks for the advice, ladies!

Oh good lord, really? Pre-engaged is not a thing. It never was a thing. It never will be a thing. You are dating.

minskat30 · November 2013

Kait said:

Wait a sec, pre-engaged is a tradition now?

You gals know I don't believe in planning for a wedding before you are engaged but there actually are some cultures that are a little vague on what is and what is not the time before/after engagement. For example, Indian cultures sometimes have a meeting of the families where gifts are exchanged and the families can essentially bless the couple before the engagement. It can be quite an eleborate affair (H's mom gifted me with several Sari's, a very beautiful gold necklace that has been passed down to the women who were getting engaged in her family, etc and I made sure my family had several gifts for her in excahnge). H actually proposed to me before this but, in his family's mind, it wasn't official without the ceremony...if that makes sense? That said, I don't think planning the ceremony itself before an official agreement between the couple is appropriate until you consider yourselves as engaged to be married.

And, for the record, I don't think you should have a wedding where you invite guests if you don't thank them with a meal (unless it isn't a "meal" time, in which case a simple thank you with snacks/beverages is appropriate).

JCbride2015 · November 2013

minskat30 said:

Kait said:

Wait a sec, pre-engaged is a tradition now?

You gals know I don't believe in planning for a wedding before you are engaged but there actually are some cultures that are a little vague on what is and what is not the time before/after engagement. For example, Indian cultures sometimes have a meeting of the families where gifts are exchanged and the families can essentially bless the couple before the engagement. It can be quite an eleborate affair (H's mom gifted me with several Sari's, a very beautiful gold necklace that has been passed down to the women who were getting engaged in her family, etc and I made sure my family had several gifts for her in excahnge). H actually proposed to me before this but, in his family's mind, it wasn't official without the ceremony...if that makes sense? That said, I don't think planning the ceremony itself before an official agreement between the couple is appropriate until you consider yourselves as engaged to be married.

And, for the record, I don't think you should have a wedding where you invite guests if you don't thank them with a meal (unless it isn't a "meal" time, in which case a simple thank you with snacks/beverages is appropriate).

Yes, I've never heard it called pre-engaged, but I was also thinking of Indian culture in which the couple is engaged for practical purposes, but not officially engaged in the eyes of the community/families until the engagement ceremony. However, I don't think that's OP's case, because she and BF are considering skipping a reception altogether. This doesn't seem consistent in my experience, although I could be wrong.

OP, can you clarify what pre-engaged means? BF and I lived together for about 3.5 years before becoming engaged, shared all finances, etc., but never called each other Fi or Pre-Fi until there was an actual proposal.

Ditto PPs about either eloping or hosting your guests. But you have plenty of time to worry about that later.

bride2b71614 · November 2013

OP if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? When I think of the term "pre-engaged" I think of promise rings. Maybe you are religious, or agreed to promise yourself to someone before marriage? I am not really sure about the situation, and like PPs, I would like to know more about this tradition, where it comes from, and why it isn't well known?

I managed to google the definition of pre-engaged. It was really difficult to find a concrete answer (because I don't think pre-engaged is actually a "thing" as @bethsmiles said) but this is the best I came up with: "We consider pre-engagement to be the period of time when a couple has become seriously interested in pursuing marriage, but they have not yet reached the point of engagement." Please keep in mind that this was taken off a therapeutic website specializing in marriage and couples counseling. With the exceptions of a few cultures (which I don't think apply to the OP), pre-engagement doesn't appear to be a true tradition or "thing".

If you are "pre-engaged" or dating or I am unsure what to call it at this point, it doesn't seem as though you and your partner are on the same page in terms of what kind of wedding you want. Luckily you will have plenty of time to discuss this once you finally are engaged, with a proposal, ring or no ring.

minskat30 · November 2013

JCBride2014 said:

minskat30 said:

Kait said:

Wait a sec, pre-engaged is a tradition now?

You gals know I don't believe in planning for a wedding before you are engaged but there actually are some cultures that are a little vague on what is and what is not the time before/after engagement. For example, Indian cultures sometimes have a meeting of the families where gifts are exchanged and the families can essentially bless the couple before the engagement. It can be quite an eleborate affair (H's mom gifted me with several Sari's, a very beautiful gold necklace that has been passed down to the women who were getting engaged in her family, etc and I made sure my family had several gifts for her in excahnge). H actually proposed to me before this but, in his family's mind, it wasn't official without the ceremony...if that makes sense? That said, I don't think planning the ceremony itself before an official agreement between the couple is appropriate until you consider yourselves as engaged to be married.

And, for the record, I don't think you should have a wedding where you invite guests if you don't thank them with a meal (unless it isn't a "meal" time, in which case a simple thank you with snacks/beverages is appropriate).

Yes, I've never heard it called pre-engaged, but I was also thinking of Indian culture in which the couple is engaged for practical purposes, but not officially engaged in the eyes of the community/families until the engagement ceremony. However, I don't think that's OP's case, because she and BF are considering skipping a reception altogether. This doesn't seem consistent in my experience, although I could be wrong.

OP, can you clarify what pre-engaged means? BF and I lived together for about 3.5 years before becoming engaged, shared all finances, etc., but never called each other Fi or Pre-Fi until there was an actual proposal.

Ditto PPs about either eloping or hosting your guests. But you have plenty of time to worry about that later.

Agree with you on the point that, if she is following Indian culture (which it doesn't sound like is the case), it would be highly unlikely to skip a reception.

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

bride2b71614 said:

OP if you don't mind me asking, how old are you? When I think of the term "pre-engaged" I think of promise rings. Maybe you are religious, or agreed to promise yourself to someone before marriage? I am not really sure about the situation, and like PPs, I would like to know more about this tradition, where it comes from, and why it isn't well known?

I managed to google the definition of pre-engaged. It was really difficult to find a concrete answer (because I don't think pre-engaged is actually a "thing" as @bethsmiles said) but this is the best I came up with: "We consider pre-engagement to be the period of time when a couple has become seriously interested in pursuing marriage, but they have not yet reached the point of engagement." Please keep in mind that this was taken off a therapeutic website specializing in marriage and couples counseling. With the exceptions of a few cultures (which I don't think apply to the OP), pre-engagement doesn't appear to be a true tradition or "thing".

If you are "pre-engaged" or dating or I am unsure what to call it at this point, it doesn't seem as though you and your partner are on the same page in terms of what kind of wedding you want. Luckily you will have plenty of time to discuss this once you finally are engaged, with a proposal, ring or no ring.

Oh lord, don't bring up promise rings around here again. We all know what that leads to.

buddysmom80 · November 2013

You guys want to see my promise ring? It's two carats, see?

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

@buddysmom80

thejucheidea · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I am pre-engaged, (It's a slightly unknown tradition), so that's why we the topic comes in every now and then. BTW, thanks for the advice, ladies!

... it's a slightly bullshit tradition is what you mean, I do believe.

buddysmom80 · November 2013

BriSox81 said:

@buddysmom80

I couldn't contain my excitement of my two carat ring though!

That's a two carat ring, right? People are laughing at me at work hahahahah.

bride2b71614 · November 2013

Oh shit I totally forgot about that thread. But @buddysmom I couldn't stop laughing when I saw your pic.

FoxandBunny · November 2013

... Now I'm curious about the promise ring thread.

Anyone want to enlighten me?

leia1979 · November 2013

I was actually hoping there was some sort of cultural explanation that we just weren't aware of, but OP didn't come back.

GPla08 · November 2013

I have a ring (additional to the promise ring) and it means a commitment I have with my partner; not that we are going to get married tomorrow. My point here is that the ring I have is a symbol of faithfulness to each other and taking things easy, knowing that a wedding will come in some years. I meant to ask for nice advice here, but I see this isn't the right forum for me, sorry!

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

FoxandBunny said:

... Now I'm curious about the promise ring thread.

Anyone want to enlighten me?

The majority of us see "promise rings" as a juvenile thing that high schoolers do when they're "gonna be 2-getha 4-eva," and that an adult will present a "promise ring" as a pacifier for the engagement conversation.

GoldenPenguin · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I have a ring (additional to the promise ring) and it means a commitment I have with my partner; not that we are going to get married tomorrow. My point here is that the ring I have is a symbol of faithfulness to each other and taking things easy, knowing that a wedding will come in some years. I meant to ask for nice advice here, but I see this isn't the right forum for me, sorry!

No, no! PLEASSEEE tell us about your little-known pre-engagement tradition!

JCbride2015 · November 2013

GPla08 said:

I have a ring (additional to the promise ring) and it means a commitment I have with my partner; not that we are going to get married tomorrow. My point here is that the ring I have is a symbol of faithfulness to each other and taking things easy, knowing that a wedding will come in some years. I meant to ask for nice advice here, but I see this isn't the right forum for me, sorry!

A promise ring... and a... a... commitment ring? Two non-engagement rings? A promise ring was never my culture or religion, but I know that to some people it has a certain cultural meaning, and I can at least understand that. But why have a promise ring, then a second ring to show your "commitment," if you aren't engaged yet? A) you don't need rings to show promises or commitment at all,

even if you did need/want rings, "promise" and "commitment" seem pretty redundant, and C) it sounds like BF just keeps giving her rings to pacify her eagerness for a wedding.

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