Weird feelings - help me sort through them?

KeptInStitches · November 2013

This will probably be a P&R because I have to go babysit my system.

Before I dated BF, I dated a military guy for over a year. We broke up because I couldn't follow him down that path; I was young (19-20) and I'm glad I stuck to my convictions, but he's also the only one of my exes I ever remained on friendly terms with. That was, oh, probably about 6 years or so ago now. I just found out last night that he's in a new relationship. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't been in a relationship since we broke up (well, up till now), but I'm feeling weird about it. On one hand, I'm really glad he's found someone to be happy with. On the other hand ... it's weird to know that one of your exes is dating someone new, you know? I've just never had to deal with this, and I'm feeling all the feelings right now. I talked to BF about it and he understands that today, it's weird, and he's willing to help me work through it.

Advice? Distractions? It's just needling me a little, and I know there's no good reason it should.

phira · November 2013

I haven't been in an identical situation (not just with the military stuff, but the relationship stuff), but I think it's REALLY normal to feel weird when someone you used to be in a relationship with starts a new relationship. Sometimes, it's because it's been a long time and they hadn't dated anyone, and sometimes it's like ... "I am so glad we broke up because you were a terrible partner and I can't believe you fooled someone else into dating you!"

So I think distractions are in order. If you're facebook friends with this guy or his new girlfriend, I'd hide their posts from your newsfeed.

CLoGreenEyes · November 2013

I don't have any awesome advice since I haven't really been in this situation before. I think it sounds perfectly normal, though. It sounds like you had a genuinely good relationship, so it's got to be a little strange to see you both being happy in life but not "together." I'm glad you could talk with your BF and to us and just get it out in the open. Chances are, your feelings will get back to normal pretty soon, but until then, it's OK to feel kinda weird about it.

Also, hugs for you:

labro · November 2013

It's totally normal to feel that way. I won't lie...I felt incredibly angry and upset the day I found out that my ex had married one of the women he had cheated on me with. I hadn't stayed in contact with him...but I was still friends on FB with mutual friends and they posted pictures from their wedding one random day and it totally threw me for a loop. It does feel weird...especially when it comes up unexpectedly like it did for you. I think it's ok to recognize the feeling, talk about it, and then move on. I'm glad your BF is there for you and is understanding about it.

Blackbird230 · November 2013

It is so normal. After my ex and I broke up, he went after my best friend. While I understand now it's like whatever, I had no control over him, I felt so betrayed by girl code! I'm not half as close as I used to be to her anymore (we're civil is the best way to describe it) but it was definitely a weird feeling.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

It is totally normal to feel that way. For me it happened right after a break up where my ex went and started dating a woman right away. I would just focus on the good in your relationship and if you need a reminder of why your apart think of the life you have with your BF now!

Blue & White · November 2013

My ex just got married.

It was weird.

It was especially weird cause HE DIDN'T INVITE ME (apparently that's not weird.)

Actually, I'm over it. I'm not inviting him either (given we don't really talk, that's probably normal.)

KeptInStitches · November 2013

I haven't been in an identical situation (not just with the military stuff, but the relationship stuff), but I think it's REALLY normal to feel weird when someone you used to be in a relationship with starts a new relationship. Sometimes, it's because it's been a long time and they hadn't dated anyone, and sometimes it's like ... "I am so glad we broke up because you were a terrible partner and I can't believe you fooled someone else into dating you!"

So I think distractions are in order. If you're facebook friends with this guy or his new girlfriend, I'd hide their posts from your newsfeed.

Thanks, all. I was sure this was normal, I just have to take the time to work through it. I do have a really good life with BF. @Phira, especially, you're absolutely right. I found out on FB; just for a while, I need him to not be visible so I can take care of me.

minskat30 · November 2013

Completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. I try to cut out all contact with exes (which is a small reason why I don't belong to FB or anything...to tempting to just "check up on them" so to speak). That said, people always feel the need to tell me about what my exes are doing (usually had a friend or two in the same circles). Every single one of my exes got married to the next girl he dated. That sorta sucks but then I remember why I broke up with each of them and I feel sorry for their wives.

phira · November 2013

KeptInStitches said:

I haven't been in an identical situation (not just with the military stuff, but the relationship stuff), but I think it's REALLY normal to feel weird when someone you used to be in a relationship with starts a new relationship. Sometimes, it's because it's been a long time and they hadn't dated anyone, and sometimes it's like ... "I am so glad we broke up because you were a terrible partner and I can't believe you fooled someone else into dating you!"

So I think distractions are in order. If you're facebook friends with this guy or his new girlfriend, I'd hide their posts from your newsfeed.
Thanks, all. I was sure this was normal, I just have to take the time to work through it. I do have a really good life with BF. @Phira, especially, you're absolutely right. I found out on FB; just for a while, I need him to not be visible so I can take care of me.

My best friend had a LOT of trouble moving on after she broke up with her fiance. One of the most helpful things was when she de-friended him on facebook. She kept telling me that she couldn't bear the thought of losing him from her life forever, and that she thought it was really hurtful for her to de-friend him, but eventually, she realized she'd keep checking his facebook regularly unless it was unavailable to her.

I recently re-friended a sort-of-ex of mine, but I still get irritated when I see anything about his life pop up on my feed, so I hid his stuff. It's a lot easier to handle knowing things about his life when I'm actively making the decision to click on his profile. No surprises in my feed!

smalfrie19 · November 2013

I know what thats like. My best guy friend since the age of 11 and I dated a smattering of time through high school and I (and my mother) were convinced we would end up together. But now he's married...with a KID before me...with one of my other best friends. I won't lie, when I found out they were dating, I was a little jealous and pissed. But now I am in a commited relationship with my FI...and I couldn't be more happy for him and my other friend (his wife). I know logically he and I would NEVER work out. Our "relationship" personalities just don't mesh. But the feels are normal!

psychbabe314 · November 2013

Ya... I am friends with an ex-BF and when I saw he was in another relationship (especially a happy relationship) I felt weird. I was in a bad place and ended up feeling really jealous. But @phira is right, off the news feed does help!

[Deleted User] · November 2013

@Blue -My ex just got married too like last month. He married this whipper snapper at the ripe age of 21. Granted I'm only 24 but still...it was weird to see him marry someone first of all and also that was my little sister's age.

KeptInStitches · November 2013

Woo! I feel normal! Or at least I'm glad this is normal ... I thought because it had been so many years later that this was completely not right for me to be feeling, but BF did say that I'd missed an important part of closure in my old relationship with him: seeing him date other people. My other exes I'd cut contact with immediately, so I wasn't aware when they started dating other people, and clearly ex-BF had seen me move on and date other people. Over him, totally; full closure on the relationship, getting it now.

minskat30 · November 2013

KeptInStitches said:

Woo! I feel normal! Or at least I'm glad this is normal ... I thought because it had been so many years later that this was completely not right for me to be feeling, but BF did say that I'd missed an important part of closure in my old relationship with him: seeing him date other people. My other exes I'd cut contact with immediately, so I wasn't aware when they started dating other people, and clearly ex-BF had seen me move on and date other people. Over him, totally; full closure on the relationship, getting it now.

That is really great. I also think it is awesome that you and your BF can talk about these things without it turning into him getting defensive or mad.

KeptInStitches · November 2013

minskat30 said:

KeptInStitches said:

Woo! I feel normal! Or at least I'm glad this is normal ... I thought because it had been so many years later that this was completely not right for me to be feeling, but BF did say that I'd missed an important part of closure in my old relationship with him: seeing him date other people. My other exes I'd cut contact with immediately, so I wasn't aware when they started dating other people, and clearly ex-BF had seen me move on and date other people. Over him, totally; full closure on the relationship, getting it now.
That is really great. I also think it is awesome that you and your BF can talk about these things without it turning into him getting defensive or mad.

He was spot on on this one. Sometimes we don't communicate well (I refer to it as BF-speak), but he was really helpful here and absolutely did not get mad at me. After all, as he put it, if I wanted to be with ex-BF, I wouldn't be with him (BF).

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

minskat30 said:

Completely normal to feel the way you are feeling. I try to cut out all contact with exes (which is a small reason why I don't belong to FB or anything...to tempting to just "check up on them" so to speak). That said, people always feel the need to tell me about what my exes are doing (usually had a friend or two in the same circles). Every single one of my exes got married to the next girl he dated. That sorta sucks but then I remember why I broke up with each of them and I feel sorry for their wives.

That is my exact outlook!!!!

Shiroyasha · November 2013

It's normal. I still feel uncomfortable when my ex is in a relationship. I've been with my BF for over three years and I love him so much and I'm happy, but I find something unsettling about my ex being in a happy relationship. I guess I am astounded that anyone can handle being with him. I'm also amazed that he can have a seemingly normal relationship considering how turbulent and emotionally damaging ours was.

Weird feelings - help me sort through them?

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