Crazy Stepfather

Onceinalovetime · November 2013

When my stepfather and I got to the steps and our pastor asked "Who gives this woman to be married?" He pulled out a piece of cardboard from his jacket and held it up. It said "Her mother and I" as If he was reading from a cue card, and other the other side facing the pastor and our bridal party it said "I got this". It was a joke and everybody laughed. Just want your opinions on this. Would you have thought it was funny or would you have been pissed?

doeydo · November 2013

If I were you, I would have been pissed off. I would not want any "funny" surprises.

daria24 · November 2013

I would have been pissed. I'm not a fan of 'jokes' like that during a wedding ceremony. Last weekend I was at a wedding where when the officiant asked if anyone had any reason to object to the marriage someone shouted "it's about time."

Jokes like that are crass, especially when just sprung upon the couple.

Jen4948 · November 2013

This would have pissed me off too. I have a sense of humor, but I don't like "jokes" sprung on me like that. It's jerking the couple around.

kmmssg · November 2013

I wouldn't have been pissed, but I wouldn't have liked it.

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

Sorry, I am in the minority. I think it's really funny and I would have laughed.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

Cute I suppose. But I hate cute. Why do men think its funny to try to be cute?

ElcaB · November 2013

I wouldn't be mad. He made a little joke. It's not worth spending your time being upset over.

CommitmentCat · November 2013

It depends on the relationship you have, and the way he naturally behaves. Is this his normal behavior, to be a little goofy and make jokes or is this this behavior completely out the blue? I have an uncle who is always making silly jokes and that's just how he is. If he had to do something silly during my wedding I would probably just roll my eyes, have a sigh and say "That's my uncle" because that's his character. Yes, probably an inappropriate time for a joke, but I doubt it was mean spirited or meant to upset you so I think maybe just let it slide.

CLI242009 · November 2013

I'm with the majority on this. I would of been pissed.

Don't get me wrong I love surprises and a good laugh just like anyone else, but there is a time and a place for stuff like that.

CommitmentCat - she has a good point too. I mean if you have an awesome relationship with the person and it's not crass or rude I would be fine with it. Although jokes like "It's about time" or "Well if I have to..." (to the give her away question). Stuff like that would upset me. I just don't find it funny. That would make it awkward for not only the couple but the families too. Not knowing if it's a joke, normal behavior, etc.

SP29 · November 2013

I wouldn't hold a long term grudge about, but as the bride I would have been annoyed (and possibly told him so after the fact, "I don't want this to be a big deal but I need to let you know I felt the joke you made at the ceremony was inappropriate and not appreciated").

As a guest, I would've felt awkward for the bride, and probably would have laughed out of awkwardness, not humour.

climbingsingle · November 2013

I'm really surprised by how many people would be pissed about that. Wow. Lighten up! I would have laughed and thought it was sweet.

Jen4948 · November 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm really surprised by how many people would be pissed about that. Wow. Lighten up! I would have laughed and thought it was sweet.

Just because you find it "funny" or "sweet" doesn't make it universally appropriate. Some people prefer that a wedding ceremony have a more serious and/or solemn tone and not be full of jokes. So please don't tell those persons who feel that way to "lighten up," because they could just as easily tell you to "grow up."

CLI242009 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm really surprised by how many people would be pissed about that. Wow. Lighten up! I would have laughed and thought it was sweet.

Just because you find it "funny" or "sweet" doesn't make it universally appropriate. Some people prefer that a wedding ceremony have a more serious and/or solemn tone and not be full of jokes. So please don't tell those persons who feel that way to "lighten up," because they could just as easily tell you to "grow up."

Ditto. Everyone has their own limit when it comes to humor. Everyone has their own sense of humor and what they find funny. Just because you find it funny, doesn't mean the rest of us would. Or the guests for that matter, especially older relatives.

I'm with Jen on this. It would make me highly uncomfortable (I'm unfortunately the type that cries when I'm uncomfortable) if any of our guests said something crass or silly during something so important and sacred to us.

saric83 · November 2013

I don't think it's a big deal, and it's certainly not worth being pissed about and holding a grudge because there's not a darn thing you can do to change what happened. It is what it is, and you're still just as married, and I assume that it obviously didn't ruin the day.

CLI242009 · November 2013

Oh I wouldn't of held a grudge or anything like that. I would of been in the moment ticked off and maybe later said something along the lines of not appreciating that but like you said saric83, not much else you can do *shrugs*

I just know for some that this has happened to, I wouldn't want that to be what everyone remembered of the ceremony, you know? Yes the ceremony was beautiful, the bride beautiful but if that is what everyone remembers of your ceremony, a vulgar or smart ass or sarcastic or whatever comment that was said during the ceremony, especially about the couple, it could suck being that couple.

Jen4948 · November 2013

CLI242009 said:
I just know for some that this has happened to, I wouldn't want that to be what everyone remembered of the ceremony, you know? Yes the ceremony was beautiful, the bride beautiful but if that is what everyone remembers of your ceremony, a vulgar or smart ass or sarcastic or whatever comment that was said during the ceremony, especially about the couple, it could suck being that couple.

I have to agree. The memories of someone's being a smartass or otherwise being out of line at the couple's expense isn't canceled out by the beauty of everything else-and when the couple worked hard and spent a lot of money trying to put together a special, meaningful ceremony, it is a big deal that someone spoiled it for them because they couldn't put their own ego on the shelf for a little while.

WonderRed · November 2013

It's annoying, at most, but it's really pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

My entrance didn't even remotely go as it was supposed to but I didn't care when the time came and just rolled with it. I still got to the front of the aisle. Still married the love of my life. That's the part that matters.

Jen4948 · November 2013

WonderRed said:

It's annoying, at most, but it's really pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

My entrance didn't even remotely go as it was supposed to but I didn't care when the time came and just rolled with it. I still got to the front of the aisle. Still married the love of my life. That's the part that matters.

Right, that's what should matter, but you didn't have anyone trying to make a joke out of it at your expense. That's unfortunately what people remember about weddings where that happens-not that you married the love of your life. Someone being a jerk at your expense isn't minor if that's the first thing that comes to mind when people remember your wedding-or even you.

CLI242009 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

WonderRed said:

It's annoying, at most, but it's really pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

My entrance didn't even remotely go as it was supposed to but I didn't care when the time came and just rolled with it. I still got to the front of the aisle. Still married the love of my life. That's the part that matters.

Right, that's what should matter, but you didn't have anyone trying to make a joke out of it at your expense. That's unfortunately what people remember about weddings where that happens-not that you married the love of your life. Someone being a jerk at your expense isn't minor if that's the first thing that comes to mind when people remember your wedding-or even you.

Agreed. My brother and SIL got married and his BM had a cute little skit done when asked to give the ring to the groom (my brother). No one remembers the BEAUTIFUL Shakespeare poem my brother quoted to my SIL, no one remembers the beautiful vows they said, when someone speaks about their wedding they talk about how the BM got the ring "delivered" by a UPS guy. (full uniform and everything). I mean in the moment it was cute and funny, but it's been almost 10 years and that is what my brother's side of the family remembers. THAT.

I know that is not the same as smart ass comments or jokes at the expense of the couple, but it's still the same point. Never been to a wedding where someone has made a smart ass comment or joke at the expense of the couple, just silly stuff like this, but it's the same point Jen and I are trying to make. You as the couple, who worked so hard on making sure everyone enjoyed your wedding day with you, would you be happy if all anyone recalled from your day is the smart ass or crude joke that someone made during your ceremony or reception? Yes you married the love of your life and that's all the two of you focus on, but if you were reminiscing with relatives/friends and that is ALL they wanted to talk about or could remember, I would be kind of disappointed. =(

WonderRed · November 2013

Smart ass? Yes. Offensive and directly at the expense of the couple? Not even close. Sorry but I firmly believe that things like this only negatively impact you as much as you choose to let them. And this is not even remotely a hill worth dying on.

CLI242009 · November 2013

Not saying what OP posted was offensive.

She asked if you would be pissed/annoyed, etc. I would but that's just me. I'd also be upset if that is the only thing anyone remembers about the ceremony. That is what Jen and I were trying to point out. That's all.

No, what OP posted is not worth holding a grudge over.

Jen4948 · November 2013

WonderRed said:

Smart ass? Yes. Offensive and directly at the expense of the couple? Not even close. Sorry but I firmly believe that things like this only negatively impact you as much as you choose to let them. And this is not even remotely a hill worth dying on.

I don't agree. If this is all that people remember about your wedding, then you can't control that they don't remember that this was you marrying the love of your life. And yes, that affects you negatively-and not by "choice." So I find this to be "not even remotely a hill worth dying on" not true whatsoever because someone deliberately made you look like an ass by association on what should have been a day where the focus was on you marrying the love of your life.

CLI242009 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

WonderRed said:

Smart ass? Yes. Offensive and directly at the expense of the couple? Not even close. Sorry but I firmly believe that things like this only negatively impact you as much as you choose to let them. And this is not even remotely a hill worth dying on.

I don't agree. If this is all that people remember about your wedding, then you can't control that they don't remember that this was you marrying the love of your life. And yes, that affects you negatively-and not by "choice." So I find this to be "not even remotely a hill worth dying on" not true whatsoever because someone deliberately made you look like an ass by association on what should have been a day where the focus was on you marrying the love of your life.

Agreed. We can't control what people remember of our wedding day but it doesn't help when someone deliberately goes and makes a joke at the couple's expense. Cheers for the couples who can laugh it off, for some we wouldn't be able to because we would see it as a joke at our expense & we're not okay/comfortable with that. Especially on such a special and important day.

SBmini · November 2013

If it is in his personality to be a jokester, I wouldn't have been upset. I highly doubt he meant any malice by what he did. So even if you wish he did it, you should just shrug it off as a missed attempt at humor.

Jen4948 · November 2013

SBmini said:

If it is in his personality to be a jokester, I wouldn't have been upset. I highly doubt he meant any malice by what he did. So even if you wish he did it, you should just shrug it off as a missed attempt at humor.

You're missing the point. Advising shrugging it off, when this is all people remember about one's wedding, is dismissive of the embarrassment and humiliation one feels. So ultimately, this is not good advice.

I'd advise saying calmly to whomever brings it up, "At the time what my stepfather did may have seemed funny to you, but it was embarrassing and humiliating for me and DH. I'm not able to shrug it off or laugh at it, because DH and I put a lot of time, resources, and effort into making it a special day, which feel wasted because that so-called 'joke' is all that people remember-not the beauty or the specialness we'd planned for." That opens the door for an apology-after which time, if the OP feels like it, it can be "shrugged off."

SBmini · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

SBmini said:

If it is in his personality to be a jokester, I wouldn't have been upset. I highly doubt he meant any malice by what he did. So even if you wish he did it, you should just shrug it off as a missed attempt at humor.

You're missing the point. Advising shrugging it off, when this is all people remember about one's wedding, is dismissive of the embarrassment and humiliation one feels. So ultimately, this is not good advice.

I'd advise saying calmly to whomever brings it up, "At the time what my stepfather did may have seemed funny to you, but it was embarrassing and humiliating for me and DH. I'm not able to shrug it off or laugh at it, because DH and I put a lot of time, resources, and effort into making it a special day, which feel wasted because that so-called 'joke' is all that people remember-not the beauty or the specialness we'd planned for." That opens the door for an apology-after which time, if the OP feels like it, it can be "shrugged off."

The question was "would you be upset" my answer is: "No, not if that is who he is." Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I miss the point. If you feel the need to make people feel uncomfortable for bring up something that they found funny then kudos to you. Personally, I don't see the point of dwelling on something inconsequential from the past.

Jen4948 · November 2013

SBmini said:

Jen4948 said:

SBmini said:

If it is in his personality to be a jokester, I wouldn't have been upset. I highly doubt he meant any malice by what he did. So even if you wish he did it, you should just shrug it off as a missed attempt at humor.

You're missing the point. Advising shrugging it off, when this is all people remember about one's wedding, is dismissive of the embarrassment and humiliation one feels. So ultimately, this is not good advice.

I'd advise saying calmly to whomever brings it up, "At the time what my stepfather did may have seemed funny to you, but it was embarrassing and humiliating for me and DH. I'm not able to shrug it off or laugh at it, because DH and I put a lot of time, resources, and effort into making it a special day, which feel wasted because that so-called 'joke' is all that people remember-not the beauty or the specialness we'd planned for." That opens the door for an apology-after which time, if the OP feels like it, it can be "shrugged off."

The question was "would you be upset" my answer is: "No, not if that is who he is." Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I miss the point. If you feel the need to make people feel uncomfortable for bring up something that they found funny then kudos to you. Personally, I don't see the point of dwelling on something inconsequential from the past.

Apparently it's not inconsequential if all people can remember of what should have been a lovely day was an obnoxious 'joke' at the couple's expense.

CLI242009 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

SBmini said:

Jen4948 said:

SBmini said:

If it is in his personality to be a jokester, I wouldn't have been upset. I highly doubt he meant any malice by what he did. So even if you wish he did it, you should just shrug it off as a missed attempt at humor.

You're missing the point. Advising shrugging it off, when this is all people remember about one's wedding, is dismissive of the embarrassment and humiliation one feels. So ultimately, this is not good advice.

I'd advise saying calmly to whomever brings it up, "At the time what my stepfather did may have seemed funny to you, but it was embarrassing and humiliating for me and DH. I'm not able to shrug it off or laugh at it, because DH and I put a lot of time, resources, and effort into making it a special day, which feel wasted because that so-called 'joke' is all that people remember-not the beauty or the specialness we'd planned for." That opens the door for an apology-after which time, if the OP feels like it, it can be "shrugged off."

The question was "would you be upset" my answer is: "No, not if that is who he is." Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I miss the point. If you feel the need to make people feel uncomfortable for bring up something that they found funny then kudos to you. Personally, I don't see the point of dwelling on something inconsequential from the past.

Apparently it's not inconsequential if all people can remember of what should have been a lovely day was an obnoxious 'joke' at the couple's expense.

Agreed.

Bold - Everyone has a different sense of humor. Not everyone is going to agree. We were just stating that it isn't funny at the couple's expense. Kudos to you for being able to laugh at something like that if it happened at your wedding, but Jen 4948 and I wouldn't like this to happen at our weddings because something special and beautiful is now only remembered as a "joke" that was made by a guest.

It wouldn't matter to me if my relatives talked about it when they go back home or amongst themselves about it, but when you get together/family reunions and that is all everyone can remember about your wedding, that would be REALLY disappointing for me as the bride.

RissAnn1970 · November 2013

I'd think it was hilarious.

Jen4948 · November 2013

RissAnn1970 said:

I'd think it was hilarious.

But many others wouldn't.

You're not entitled to expect other people to have the same sense of humor as you-particularly about something they put a lot of time, energy, and resources into setting up and executing, only to have some jerk make an ass of himself at their expense. They don't have to find it "hilarious" because you do-and many won't.

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