Firing Best Man

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

kristbot said:

Maybe he doesn't want to talk to these people about what is going on in his personal life because all they seem to be able to think about is their wedding? I agree that if he wants to back out he should speak up, but I would bet money that this couple isn't making him feel like he's able to do that.

Actually most of the time we don't talk about the wedding. The email I sent him made it very easy to back out without any ill feelings. I chose to send the email instead of talking in person to make it easier for him.

*stuck in the freaking box!!*

No, the e-mail you sent him was the coward's way of dealing with this, and you did it so you could get what you wanted (him out of your WP) without looking like a bitch. If you're going to behave like that, own your decisions and your actions.

TypingTornado · November 2013

You are the most judgmental mean person I have ever encountered. If there was a way to block you I would. HOW DARE YOU WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.

TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

TypingTornado · November 2013

And how do you know that? Have you read the email? Don't you think if we put him on the spot and discussed this he would be embarrassed? Pretty sure I know him a lot better than you do.

Blergbot · November 2013

I think people have jumped to a lot of conclusions here. I think this person came here for advice and maybe came off as a bridezilla to some people, when she is really trying to figure out how to balance her needs with the needs of her friend. Obviously she wouldn't say to this guy "hey, my wedding is more important than what you are going through," but this is, in fact, an important day for her, and while she can be compassionate towards her friend, she can also try and make the best out of the situation. Which I think is what she was asking for advice about. So *hugs* and my advice would be to either call your friend or try to talk to him in person, let him know how much he means to you and your FI, tell him you're there for him, and absolutely don't fire him. Give him the out clause again, and reiterate that you understand if this is all too much for him. If you can't get ahold of him or get him to talk to you, then the best you can do is wait out the situation and make a last minute call about using your son. Of course it is sucky that you would then be stressed out until the last minute, but it sounds to me like you don't want to lose your friendship over this, which you may if you were to "fire" him.

MobKaz · November 2013

@Typing Tornado: In another post, you discuss your most frustrating aspect of your wedding. Your response?

"The best man. Still hasn't been fit for the tuxedo. (Wedding is a little over two weeks away.) Still hasn't booked his flights. Grrrrr.

I have all kinds of back-up plans in place, but he really is upsetting me.

It seems to me that your priority is implementing your multiple back up plans. These words do not sound like you have your friends best interest in mind.

aurorajanette · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

You are the most judgmental mean person I have ever encountered. If there was a way to block you I would. HOW DARE YOU WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME.

Who are you even referring to here?

TypingTornado · November 2013

Exactly. Thank you.

I'm starting to realize that. Wow, I have never been on such a nasty board before.

And by the way (I'm addressing this to the others) - I stood my ground on the color because my bridesmaid, who has been beyond fabulous throughout this, had already purchased her dress, the tuxedos were already ordered for my son and F. His favourite suit has a red hanky (the exact same red, I might add) in the side pocket all of the time. I could have picked any color and he probably would have done the same thing. I realized this was just an excuse and I sent the email.

TypingTornado · November 2013

Not you Aurora - it was directed at HISGIRLFRIDAY13. I now have her on ignore. I had replied to the post and thought it would show up under her last one. She has been incredibly nasty on her and I've had enough of it.

TypingTornado · November 2013

mobkaz said:

@Typing Tornado: In another post, you discuss your most frustrating aspect of your wedding. Your response?

"The best man. Still hasn't been fit for the tuxedo. (Wedding is a little over two weeks away.) Still hasn't booked his flights. Grrrrr.

I have all kinds of back-up plans in place, but he really is upsetting me.

It seems to me that your priority is implementing your multiple back up plans. These words do not sound like you have your friends best interest in mind.

I'm on a fucking wedding site not a mental health or family support site.

Weesh · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

@Typing Tornado: In another post, you discuss your most frustrating aspect of your wedding. Your response?

"The best man. Still hasn't been fit for the tuxedo. (Wedding is a little over two weeks away.) Still hasn't booked his flights. Grrrrr.

I have all kinds of back-up plans in place, but he really is upsetting me.

It seems to me that your priority is implementing your multiple back up plans. These words do not sound like you have your friends best interest in mind.

I'm on a fucking wedding site not a mental health or family support site.

Agreed, but being a decent person is proper etiquette for just about every situation and sometimes people lose sight of that when all they can focus on is their wedding day. You posted on an Etiquette board, getting upset over the responses because the PP's told you to treat people like people versus props is ridiculous.

Edited for clarity.

MobKaz · November 2013

ktjanesmom said:

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.
TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

Are you the time keeper? Who are you to decide how long anyone can or should grieve?

No one went "right into" attack mode. The first several posters all basically tried to say the same thing to the OP.......the BM's attendance will not alter the outcome of her day. Neither will the attire he wears, or does not wear.

And now let's discuss who is attacking whom here........"there are many nasty women on Theknot. " Hypocritical, much?

MobKaz · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

@Typing Tornado: In another post, you discuss your most frustrating aspect of your wedding. Your response?

"The best man. Still hasn't been fit for the tuxedo. (Wedding is a little over two weeks away.) Still hasn't booked his flights. Grrrrr.

I have all kinds of back-up plans in place, but he really is upsetting me.

It seems to me that your priority is implementing your multiple back up plans. These words do not sound like you have your friends best interest in mind.

I'm on a fucking wedding site not a mental health or family support site.

But this is where you actually show your true intentions and feelings. Although this is a wedding forum, many women come to these boards asking questions that extend beyond themselves. You seem unable to get to that point. You are the one that titled your post, "Firing Best Man". Your priority seems crystal clear.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

Just throwing this out there but a wedding is a one day affair while friendships are 10, 20, or in this case, 30+ years long. Is one day really worth ruining a 3 decade long friendship?

TypingTornado · November 2013

mobkaz said:

ktjanesmom said:

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.
TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

Are you the time keeper? Who are you to decide how long anyone can or should grieve?

No one went "right into" attack mode. The first several posters all basically tried to say the same thing to the OP.......the BM's attendance will not alter the outcome of her day. Neither will the attire he wears, or does not wear.

And now let's discuss who is attacking whom here........"there are many nasty women on Theknot. " Hypocritical, much?

I attacked because I was being attacked! I am trying to figure out how to get off of this board, delete this entire post and move on. It was of no help or support whatsoever. I shouldn't have to defend myself because our best man is neither committing to the wedding nor stepping aside.

Yes, he's going through a lot of shit now but it has been 9 months. I don't expect him to be joyous on that day. I would rather of not had him be in that situation but, as I said before, I know he would have been really really hurt if we hadn't asked him. When we first mentioned the wedding it was over a year ago before all this crap happened. We just started finalizing things a few months ago. He's a HUGE Elvis fan and I have done my best to accommodate him and try to make this an enjoyable event for all. Having a wedding out of the country is a bit of a challenge: there are hotel reservations, dinner reservations, car details, etc. that can't be finalized until I hear one way or the other whether he is even going to be there. Yeah I'm a bit frustrated.

aurorajanette · November 2013

Weesh said:

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

@Typing Tornado: In another post, you discuss your most frustrating aspect of your wedding. Your response?

"The best man. Still hasn't been fit for the tuxedo. (Wedding is a little over two weeks away.) Still hasn't booked his flights. Grrrrr.

I have all kinds of back-up plans in place, but he really is upsetting me.

It seems to me that your priority is implementing your multiple back up plans. These words do not sound like you have your friends best interest in mind.

I'm on a fucking wedding site not a mental health or family support site.

Agreed, but being a decent person is proper etiquette for just about every situation and sometimes people lose sight of that when all they can focus on is their wedding day. You posted on an Etiquette board, getting upset over the responses because the PP's told you to treat people like people versus props is ridiculous.

Edited for clarity.

This.

I was also thinking the same as mobkatz. If you were really thinking of the BM as a friend, you would have worded your title a lot differently.

Jen4948 · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

I'm outta here and won't be on this site from now on. What a waste of time.

Why? Because you asked for advice and got it?

It might not have been what you wanted to hear, but

1) It's your fiance's job, not yours, to deal with his attendants
2) The guy's going through an incredibly hard time
3) You've been putting pressure on him when it sounds like he didn't want to do it in the first place

PPs brought this to your attention, but you're calling them bitches.

'Bye bye. Good riddance.

TypingTornado · November 2013

Blergbot said:

I think people have jumped to a lot of conclusions here. I think this person came here for advice and maybe came off as a bridezilla to some people, when she is really trying to figure out how to balance her needs with the needs of her friend. Obviously she wouldn't say to this guy "hey, my wedding is more important than what you are going through," but this is, in fact, an important day for her, and while she can be compassionate towards her friend, she can also try and make the best out of the situation. Which I think is what she was asking for advice about. So *hugs* and my advice would be to either call your friend or try to talk to him in person, let him know how much he means to you and your FI, tell him you're there for him, and absolutely don't fire him. Give him the out clause again, and reiterate that you understand if this is all too much for him. If you can't get ahold of him or get him to talk to you, then the best you can do is wait out the situation and make a last minute call about using your son. Of course it is sucky that you would then be stressed out until the last minute, but it sounds to me like you don't want to lose your friendship over this, which you may if you were to "fire" him.

Thank you. I used the word "fire" because I didn't know how else to put it in the title. You are right, I don't want to lose the friendship over this although I know it would really hurt my FI if he didn't show up because he doesn't have anyone else representing his side there.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

ktjanesmom said:

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.
TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

Are you the time keeper? Who are you to decide how long anyone can or should grieve?

No one went "right into" attack mode. The first several posters all basically tried to say the same thing to the OP.......the BM's attendance will not alter the outcome of her day. Neither will the attire he wears, or does not wear.

And now let's discuss who is attacking whom here........"there are many nasty women on Theknot. " Hypocritical, much?

I attacked because I was being attacked! I am trying to figure out how to get off of this board, delete this entire post and move on. It was of no help or support whatsoever. I shouldn't have to defend myself because our best man is neither committing to the wedding nor stepping aside.

Yes, he's going through a lot of shit now but it has been 9 months. I don't expect him to be joyous on that day. I would rather of not had him be in that situation but, as I said before, I know he would have been really really hurt if we hadn't asked him. When we first mentioned the wedding it was over a year ago before all this crap happened. We just started finalizing things a few months ago. He's a HUGE Elvis fan and I have done my best to accommodate him and try to make this an enjoyable event for all. Having a wedding out of the country is a bit of a challenge: there are hotel reservations, dinner reservations, car details, etc. that can't be finalized until I hear one way or the other whether he is even going to be there. Yeah I'm a bit frustrated.

First, you can't delete the entire post, only your portions, and that will not go over well. You have already been quoted, so it's not going to do anything anyway, and a deleted title gets more traffic anyway.

Also, some people did give you good advice. I agree that some posts were a little on the harsh side, but people are just saying that friends should be more appointment than wedding details.

For the second bolded, are you making hotel arrangements for all your wedding party? This is unnecessary, and your best man is an adult and can make his own arrangements- don't worry about this. Dinner reservations, you can always squeeze one more person in if he decides to come, and make sure there is enough room in the limo, or whatever transportation your using.

Jen4948 · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

Blergbot said:

I think people have jumped to a lot of conclusions here. I think this person came here for advice and maybe came off as a bridezilla to some people, when she is really trying to figure out how to balance her needs with the needs of her friend. Obviously she wouldn't say to this guy "hey, my wedding is more important than what you are going through," but this is, in fact, an important day for her, and while she can be compassionate towards her friend, she can also try and make the best out of the situation. Which I think is what she was asking for advice about. So *hugs* and my advice would be to either call your friend or try to talk to him in person, let him know how much he means to you and your FI, tell him you're there for him, and absolutely don't fire him. Give him the out clause again, and reiterate that you understand if this is all too much for him. If you can't get ahold of him or get him to talk to you, then the best you can do is wait out the situation and make a last minute call about using your son. Of course it is sucky that you would then be stressed out until the last minute, but it sounds to me like you don't want to lose your friendship over this, which you may if you were to "fire" him.

Thank you. I used the word "fire" because I didn't know how else to put it in the title. You are right, I don't want to lose the friendship over this although I know it would really hurt my FI if he didn't show up because he doesn't have anyone else representing his side there.

Okay. So...don't make him wear red. If it doesn't look good on him, it honestly doesn't make sense to force him to wear it, and it'll put him in lower spirits if you do.

If it's important enough to him to be BM for your FI, he'll book the flights without being nagged.

So...don't do any more nagging. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Let your FI worry about him. Focus on the rest of your wedding and other things going on in your life.

mysticl · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

ktjanesmom said:

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.
TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

Are you the time keeper? Who are you to decide how long anyone can or should grieve?

No one went "right into" attack mode. The first several posters all basically tried to say the same thing to the OP.......the BM's attendance will not alter the outcome of her day. Neither will the attire he wears, or does not wear.

And now let's discuss who is attacking whom here........"there are many nasty women on Theknot. " Hypocritical, much?

I attacked because I was being attacked! I am trying to figure out how to get off of this board, delete this entire post and move on. It was of no help or support whatsoever. I shouldn't have to defend myself because our best man is neither committing to the wedding nor stepping aside.

Yes, he's going through a lot of shit now but it has been 9 months. I don't expect him to be joyous on that day. I would rather of not had him be in that situation but, as I said before, I know he would have been really really hurt if we hadn't asked him. When we first mentioned the wedding it was over a year ago before all this crap happened. We just started finalizing things a few months ago. He's a HUGE Elvis fan and I have done my best to accommodate him and try to make this an enjoyable event for all. Having a wedding out of the country is a bit of a challenge: there are hotel reservations, dinner reservations, car details, etc. that can't be finalized until I hear one way or the other whether he is even going to be there. Yeah I'm a bit frustrated.

You can't delete the post. You can delete what you wrote but not what anyone else wrote and you can't delete them quoting you. As far as getting off the board it's very simple….don't click on it. No one is forcing you to read the replies or comment.

MobKaz · November 2013

TypingTornado said:

mobkaz said:

ktjanesmom said:

I think this bride would just like to know wha the hell is going on. Perhaps she made a couple of mistakes along the way but nothing to deserve the attack she is getting on here. The separation from him wife occured 9 months ago for crying out loud. He agreed to be the BM, if he changed his mind, just freakin tell them and be done with it I am sure she feels bad about what happened to him.
TypingTornado, there are many nasty women on Theknot. They seem to think they are perfect and never make mistakes. Their nasty attitudes toward other women shows their true colors if you ask me. They go right to attack mode.

Are you the time keeper? Who are you to decide how long anyone can or should grieve?

No one went "right into" attack mode. The first several posters all basically tried to say the same thing to the OP.......the BM's attendance will not alter the outcome of her day. Neither will the attire he wears, or does not wear.

And now let's discuss who is attacking whom here........"there are many nasty women on Theknot. " Hypocritical, much?

I attacked because I was being attacked! I am trying to figure out how to get off of this board, delete this entire post and move on. It was of no help or support whatsoever. I shouldn't have to defend myself because our best man is neither committing to the wedding nor stepping aside.

Yes, he's going through a lot of shit now but it has been 9 months. I don't expect him to be joyous on that day. I would rather of not had him be in that situation but, as I said before, I know he would have been really really hurt if we hadn't asked him. When we first mentioned the wedding it was over a year ago before all this crap happened. We just started finalizing things a few months ago. He's a HUGE Elvis fan and I have done my best to accommodate him and try to make this an enjoyable event for all. Having a wedding out of the country is a bit of a challenge: there are hotel reservations, dinner reservations, car details, etc. that can't be finalized until I hear one way or the other whether he is even going to be there. Yeah I'm a bit frustrated.

Is there something magical about 9 months? What difference does it make how many months have passed? It could take the man 9 years to overcome this grief. It's HIS grief. You prefer him to come and complete your vision rather than worry about how the day will make him feel. You would actually prefer that a friend be miserable so as not to disrupt your routine?

Finalize your plans as if he is attending. One less person in a car or at a dinner table will not be a big deal. Hotel reservations can often be cancelled 24 hours in advance without penalty. Honestly, if this were my friend of 30+ years, I would be willing to lose a few bucks rather than a friendship.

[Deleted User] · November 2013

@typingtornado there really are some meanies on here for sure!! I have no idea how their attacking and constant bullying isn't flagged but it seems like that's how it just is. Ignore them. They won't go away because they obviously have nothing better to do. There are however some people here that hear your problem and see your upset and want to help if by nothing more then just giving some support.

You don't have to leave just because of the few bad ones, you just stop reading what they even post. There's no sense in it and people don't have to be that mean and rude to other people.

What you're going through is stressful, and so close to the wedding which makes everything even more stressful!!! You seem to understand that the best man is going through something. That doesn't excuse him from this commitment however, only him saying he wants out or just not showing up can.

You're wedding will be wonderful regardless!

aurorajanette · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

@typingtornado there really are some meanies on here for sure!! I have no idea how their attacking and constant bullying isn't flagged but it seems like that's how it just is. Ignore them. They won't go away because they obviously have nothing better to do. There are however some people here that hear your problem and see your upset and want to help if by nothing more then just giving some support. You don't have to leave just because of the few bad ones, you just stop reading what they even post. There's no sense in it and people don't have to be that mean and rude to other people. What you're going through is stressful, and so close to the wedding which makes everything even more stressful!!! You seem to understand that the best man is going through something. That doesn't excuse him from this commitment however, only him saying he wants out or just not showing up can. You're wedding will be wonderful regardless!

Oh FFS... there is a difference between being blunt and being mean. No one here was mean to her. She posted on an advice board and got advice. Since when is giving advice that someone doesn't agree with bullying? This is an etiquette board. People posted the proper etiquette for the situation. Seriously, if you don't like it, go over to Wedding Wire or Wedding Bee and have all of your rude ideas validated by a bunch of mindless princesses.

TypingTornado · November 2013

Fine. I'm done. Thanks for beating me up. Lots of fun, today. I started off a little upset and now I'm downright mad. I won't be recommending this message board to anyone. Still can't figure out how to delete my account.

The last day he can order the tux is on Tuesday. If he gives me the measurements after that it will be too late and he won't be able to be in the wedding party which will be his problem not mine. He's more than welcome to be a guest and he can wear pretty much whatever he wants (he can't dress up as Elvis though - this is their dress code not mine.)

To the few who were supportive, thank you and I sincerely appreciated the hugs.

To those that post after this - I won't be reading it.

Cheers.

WildMagelet · November 2013

I would remind him of the deadline for ordering the tux and be done with it. Don't talk any more about the wedding with him unless he brings it up. Try focusing on your friendship a bit more, I'm sure he's going to have a rough time with the upcoming holidays.

The only requirement for a WP member is to show up and wear the appropriate attire. If he doesn't get the tuxedo he's taken himself out of the wedding party.

Ladies on here can be blunt and occasionally snarky, but they give good advice. Take some time and calm down and try to come back and re-read this thread with a fresh perspective. They don't know you, so try not and take it all personally. The majority of them are trying to remind you to treat this guy as a friend first.

Edited: spelling fail

MobKaz · November 2013

clairekundinger said:

@typingtornado there really are some meanies on here for sure!! I have no idea how their attacking and constant bullying isn't flagged but it seems like that's how it just is. Ignore them. They won't go away because they obviously have nothing better to do. There are however some people here that hear your problem and see your upset and want to help if by nothing more then just giving some support. You don't have to leave just because of the few bad ones, you just stop reading what they even post. There's no sense in it and people don't have to be that mean and rude to other people. What you're going through is stressful, and so close to the wedding which makes everything even more stressful!!! You seem to understand that the best man is going through something. That doesn't excuse him from this commitment however, only him saying he wants out or just not showing up can. You're wedding will be wonderful regardless!

The meanies are on here to offset the crazies. Flags? Where have you been? But, I am happy to flag you.................

cidefi · November 2013

If it were my wedding I would fire him!!! This is your special day and who wants it messed by some emotional bestman. Now don't get me wrong, I feel for the guy, I really do. And I know watching his bestfriend get married while he's getting divorced has got to be hard. I think you've tried helping as much as you can. And I think you've been very understanding. I would talk with FH and find out what he would like to do, and any backup ideas he may have and go from there.

daveANDkristen · November 2013

cidefi said:

If it were my wedding I would fire him!!! This is your special day and who wants it messed by some emotional bestman. Now don't get me wrong, I feel for the guy, I really do. And I know watching his bestfriend get married while he's getting divorced has got to be hard. I think you've tried helping as much as you can. And I think you've been very understanding. I would talk with FH and find out what he would like to do, and any backup ideas he may have and go from there.

Unless the OP is also his employer, she can't fire him. And on that note, how many people maintain a relationship with people who have fired them? If OP or anyone else wants to look at it as a firing, they need to be prepared for the consequences of that action. @clairekundinger certainly you aren't excluding yourself from the "b-word" club...

AddieCake · November 2013

OP, if he doesn't want to be in the wedding, he should just say so, and you should stop badgering him and shouldn't even be the one handling this. Good news! Now you can go have a margarita and stop obsessing over this bullshit!

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