How to make the wrong first impression... Rant/Warning

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

This is for everyone who says, "How can I nicely tell my guests that they can't wear X color?!"

After receiving a Save the Date from my fiance's cousin, I decided to scope out the website in my spare time. In my perusing, I noticed there was a section for "attire". Under this section it stated: Reception- Ladies, don't wear white, it's reserved for the bride!!! (I'm sure they meant to be nice when they said it, because there was a smiley face!).

White?!? For a bride?!?!?! Did not see that coming- way to throw a curve ball at me! I've never met you, and I already think you're a snobby bitch who is going to be saying, "IT'S MY DAY!!!!" ALL. DAMN. DAY. Even my fiance, who isn't extremely well versed in certain etiquette rules (for example, he thinks that a potluck wedding would be fun!) said, "Wow, does she think you're an idiot?" Well, yes dear, apparently she does.

Bottom line there is no way for you to kindly tell your guests not to wear a certain color; it does not make it "less stressful" for guests- now I'm stressed that if I find a pink dress, it will be "too close to white". It's really just belittling to your guests. So please, for the sake of people who don't know you- please don't let this be their first impression of you.

I've been dressing myself for close to 30 years now; I've also been to formal events and managed to not screw that up. Are you now going to tell me that nipple tassles aren't appropriate for a business meeting?

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

hikebikebemerry said:

This is for everyone who says, "How can I nicely tell my guests that they can't wear X color?!"

After receiving a Save the Date from my fiance's cousin, I decided to scope out the website in my spare time. In my perusing, I noticed there was a section for "attire". Under this section it stated: Reception- Ladies, don't wear white, it's reserved for the bride!!! (I'm sure they meant to be nice when they said it, because there was a smiley face!).

White?!? For a bride?!?!?! Did not see that coming- way to throw a curve ball at me! I've never met you, and I already think you're a snobby bitch who is going to be saying, "IT'S MY DAY!!!!" ALL. DAMN. DAY. Even my fiance, who isn't extremely well versed in certain etiquette rules (for example, he thinks that a potluck wedding would be fun!) said, "Wow, does she think you're an idiot?" Well, yes dear, apparently she does.

Bottom line there is no way for you to kindly tell your guests not to wear a certain color; it does not make it "less stressful" for guests- now I'm stressed that if I find a pink dress, it will be "too close to white". It's really just belittling to your guests. So please, for the sake of people who don't know you- please don't let this be their first impression of you.

I've been dressing myself for close to 30 years now; I've also been to formal events and managed to not screw that up. Are you now going to tell me that nipple tassles aren't appropriate for a business meeting?

THANK YOU!!!

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

Did we get invited to the same wedding?? That was on the wedding website of a wedding I went to earlier this year and people still snark about it. If you have to put smiley faces and hearts all over a statement then you quite possibly know that what you're saying is shitty or inappropriate.

If it's black tie, I want to know. If it's a masquerade ball or costume party, that would be lovely information to have. You still can't dictate to me that I must show up in a costume, but you can give me a heads up that that's the idea so I know people might do just that. Otherwise, I am perfectly capable of dressing myself.

Also, while I would never wear white to a wedding- do brides really think that the only way people will know they are the bride is because they're the one in a white dress?? Then what on earth do brides not wearing white do?? Should they carry a sign?

phira · November 2013

I'm not wearing white, and my future brother-in-law is confused about why I'm not going to make a stink if anyone else wears the color I'm wearing (spoiler alert: I'm pretty sure someone else will show up in navy blue). My partner had to remind him that 1) obviously everyone who knows me would know I was the bride, and 2) was anyone else going to be in a giant floor-length gown?

It's like ... folks, I think we know who the bride is, okay?

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

phira said:

I'm not wearing white, and my future brother-in-law is confused about why I'm not going to make a stink if anyone else wears the color I'm wearing (spoiler alert: I'm pretty sure someone else will show up in navy blue). My partner had to remind him that 1) obviously everyone who knows me would know I was the bride, and 2) was anyone else going to be in a giant floor-length gown?

It's like ... folks, I think we know who the bride is, okay?

Exactly!!

I can't say that I have ever been to a wedding where I didn't know who the bride was- and I've been to a few where the bride didn't wear white. I've been to weddings with two brides or two grooms and come to think of it, it did seem like guests managed to figure out just fine who the key players were.

So . . . That was a definite "no" on the nipple tassels for a business meeting, right? Because I'm going to a meeting on Monday and it was either that or a suit so I'm glad I chose wisely

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

@CTYankeeBride- I think there is always room for artistic self-expression, however, I have read that in some circles, they are not acceptable (or shall I say, in some squares). I'm always happy to give helpful tips on how adults should dress themselves!

(For those who aren't big on sarcasm, reminder- adults can dress themselves.)

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

A.freaking.MEN!!

A friend of DH's is having a DW on a beach 12+ hours away (on a Tuesday with no reception but that's another rant) and her wedding website asks us all to wear 'khakis and shades of ivory, pale green, and pale blue' because apparently she has a vision for the photos that involves 50 adults looking alike.

Not happening.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

I would go out and buy a white pattern dress to wear to this wedding. People don't tell me how to dress, F off.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

hikebikebemerry said:

This is for everyone who says, "How can I nicely tell my guests that they can't wear X color?!"

After receiving a Save the Date from my fiance's cousin, I decided to scope out the website in my spare time. In my perusing, I noticed there was a section for "attire". Under this section it stated: Reception- Ladies, don't wear white, it's reserved for the bride!!! (I'm sure they meant to be nice when they said it, because there was a smiley face!).

White?!? For a bride?!?!?! Did not see that coming- way to throw a curve ball at me! I've never met you, and I already think you're a snobby bitch who is going to be saying, "IT'S MY DAY!!!!" ALL. DAMN. DAY. Even my fiance, who isn't extremely well versed in certain etiquette rules (for example, he thinks that a potluck wedding would be fun!) said, "Wow, does she think you're an idiot?" Well, yes dear, apparently she does.

Bottom line there is no way for you to kindly tell your guests not to wear a certain color; it does not make it "less stressful" for guests- now I'm stressed that if I find a pink dress, it will be "too close to white". It's really just belittling to your guests. So please, for the sake of people who don't know you- please don't let this be their first impression of you.

I've been dressing myself for close to 30 years now; I've also been to formal events and managed to not screw that up. Are you now going to tell me that nipple tassles aren't appropriate for a business meeting?

Thanks for making me laugh out loud at my desk!!! I can be really snarky sometimes and if I saw that not only would I wear white but I would encourage everyone I know to do the same...cause if you are a rude, bitchy, self-entitled, "its my day" fucking princess then when you say yes I so no. Really simple folks, asking people not to do something will only encourage/tempt them to do it.

NavyBlue143 · November 2013

Wedding I went to last year said on their website: Remember, white is reserved for the bride, and keep in mind this is a semi formal event, we want you all to come dressed up in your best!

I wanted to wear white denim and hooker boots. H said no. Party pooper.

Edited to fix wonky spelling.

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

@cowgirl8238- glad I could provide some humor!

I think what people should take away from the countless posts about not dictating what your guests should/shouldn't wear is that even though it is going to be a lot of close friends and family; if you're having a wedding where people you don't know are invited, what you put on your websites/invitations are really the first impression that they get of you. I'm sure this woman is perfectly pleasant, but I have nothing else to go on, other than assuming that her biggest concern is whether or not her guests will remember that it's all about HER.

Okay. I feel like Mr.Rogers now.

photokitty · November 2013

CTYankeeBride said:

phira said:

I'm not wearing white, and my future brother-in-law is confused about why I'm not going to make a stink if anyone else wears the color I'm wearing (spoiler alert: I'm pretty sure someone else will show up in navy blue). My partner had to remind him that 1) obviously everyone who knows me would know I was the bride, and 2) was anyone else going to be in a giant floor-length gown?

It's like ... folks, I think we know who the bride is, okay?

Exactly!!

I can't say that I have ever been to a wedding where I didn't know who the bride was- and I've been to a few where the bride didn't wear white. I've been to weddings with two brides or two grooms and come to think of it, it did seem like guests managed to figure out just fine who the key players were.

So . . . That was a definite "no" on the nipple tassels for a business meeting, right? Because I'm going to a meeting on Monday and it was either that or a suit so I'm glad I chose wisely

I think it really depends were you work on this on ;-)

phira · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

A.freaking.MEN!! A friend of DH's is having a DW on a beach 12+ hours away (on a Tuesday with no reception but that's another rant) and her wedding website asks us all to wear 'khakis and shades of ivory, pale green, and pale blue' because apparently she has a vision for the photos that involves 50 adults looking alike. Not happening.

I think my little sister (eons ago, not remotely recently) once said she wanted to ask all her guests to show up wearing black with red accents. When she eventually gets married, hopefully she doesn't remember that idea.

orwhatuwill · November 2013

oh C#&p.

We have an "attire" section on our webpage.

orwhatuwill · November 2013

It doesn't express the request not to wear white, btw. It's shows a picture of a NYE hat with glitter and a statement that we welcome glitter, sparkles, etc.

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

I'm not saying that it's not ok to have a section for "Attire"; but I agree with one of the PPs, that it's more for letting your guests know if it's black tie/masquerade/beach casual. I personally don't see anything wrong with letting your guest know the level of formality of your reception, however- I strongly discourage people from telling their guests to wear/not wear a specific color.

I see a big difference between these:

Appropriate:

Ceremony/Reception: Formal. Ladies- it would be greatly appreciated if you either wear a dress that will cover your shoulders or bring a shawl to cover your shoulders during the ceremony, because it is required by our ceremony site.

Offensive:

Ceremony/Reception: Formal. I want you all to be my little dolls for a day, so if you could please have a tiffany blue accent, it would really make my pictures look awesome! Also, no white bitches- that's for meeeeee!!!!!!

:):) xoxoxoxo

(Sorry, these were the best examples I could come up with.)

Chipmunk415 · November 2013

My half brother got married in May. I was not in wedding party (all they had were nieces as FGs) and I was fine with that. It was billed as cocktail attire. I got a nice cocktail dress in blue, deliberately avoiding the dark purple and orangeish-red that was on the STD and invite.

Both MOB and MOG (not my mom) wore lavendar/light purple. My half sis (mother of two of the FGs) wore dark purple. SIL's brother's wife (mother of other FG) wore black with dark purple accents along the neck, waist, and hem. SIL's younger sis wore a cocktail dress alright. An orangeish-red little number that looked great on her, but had a lot of guys checking to see how far up the hem went and whether she went commando.

During the group family photos, and especially during the "all the siblings" photos, I got to feel very left out, especially when the photos came back, and felt bad for my Dad. No one said anything to us about family color scheme- the pants in Dad's best black suit tore 1 hr before my folks got there, so he went with his best dark tan suit backup. All other men in photos were in dark, black suits. My mom (not MOG) wore a lovely black, white, and pink accented suit, and tried to blend in the background so the MOG could have the spotlight.

I didn't even feel like I look like a real sibling in the sibling photo, as I'm the only one not wearing something in the color scheme, out of my efforts to not appear to be trying to intrude on bridal party or be a wannabe BM. Apparently I was the only sibling not to get the memo.

Don't tell your guests what to wear, but it's nice to talk with immediate family about attire sometimes, esp in a situation like the one I found myself in.

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

orwhatuwill said:

It doesn't express the request not to wear white, btw. It's shows a picture of a NYE hat with glitter and a statement that we welcome glitter, sparkles, etc.

^This is awesome!

delujm0 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

A.freaking.MEN!! A friend of DH's is having a DW on a beach 12+ hours away (on a Tuesday with no reception but that's another rant) and her wedding website asks us all to wear 'khakis and shades of ivory, pale green, and pale blue' because apparently she has a vision for the photos that involves 50 adults looking alike. Not happening.

I really hope you're planning to wear bright pink. Or red. That is what i would do with that information.

CTYankeeBride · November 2013

orwhatuwill said:

It doesn't express the request not to wear white, btw. It's shows a picture of a NYE hat with glitter and a statement that we welcome glitter, sparkles, etc.

I think that's fine. It is okay to offer a gentle suggestion such as "Feel free to bring your glitter and sparkle to NYE with you!" or "glitter and sparkle are welcome!" as opposed to "we want you to wear glittery and sparkly things because it is NYE and there will be photos of our daaaaaaaay!!!!" Sometimes it isn't what you're saying, it's how you're saying it.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

delujm0 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

A.freaking.MEN!! A friend of DH's is having a DW on a beach 12+ hours away (on a Tuesday with no reception but that's another rant) and her wedding website asks us all to wear 'khakis and shades of ivory, pale green, and pale blue' because apparently she has a vision for the photos that involves 50 adults looking alike. Not happening.

I really hope you're planning to wear bright pink. Or red. That is what i would do with that information.

Actually, for a variety of reasons -- this being one of them -- we're not going. It's on a Tuesday; we're expected to "go Dutch" for a beach house rental with other people, none of whom we know, for the Thursday before to Wednesday after the wedding; they're not planning on having any kind of reception; they ARE planning on having a pay-your-own-way RD for all guests and a pay-your-own-way party after the ceremony; there's a day-after brunch that is (you guessed it) pay-your-own-way.

I don't mind DWs, but I'm not giving up five vacation days to drive to a destination I don't especially like to be improperly hosted for a wedding. No thanks.

smalfrie19 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

delujm0 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

A.freaking.MEN!! A friend of DH's is having a DW on a beach 12+ hours away (on a Tuesday with no reception but that's another rant) and her wedding website asks us all to wear 'khakis and shades of ivory, pale green, and pale blue' because apparently she has a vision for the photos that involves 50 adults looking alike. Not happening.

I really hope you're planning to wear bright pink. Or red. That is what i would do with that information.

Actually, for a variety of reasons -- this being one of them -- we're not going. It's on a Tuesday; we're expected to "go Dutch" for a beach house rental with other people, none of whom we know, for the Thursday before to Wednesday after the wedding; they're not planning on having any kind of reception; they ARE planning on having a pay-your-own-way RD for all guests and a pay-your-own-way party after the ceremony; there's a day-after brunch that is (you guessed it) pay-your-own-way.

I don't mind DWs, but I'm not giving up five vacation days to drive to a destination I don't especially like to be improperly hosted for a wedding. No thanks.

@HisGirlFriday13 - Not when you can use one or less vacation days coming to properly hosted event where your presence will be overflowingly appreciated and loved

APDSS22 · November 2013

Thank you guys for this thread. My husband is staring at me like I'm a lunatic because I can't stop laughing at a mental image of him and all the guys he works with in tassels sitting around a conference table...

jennbelden · November 2013

a related question....Under the attire section I put the following: The wedding is at a functioning ranch so yes, nice boots are acceptable. We are considering our wedding non black tie but would love if y'all would dress up a little. There will be a grass area used for the ceremony and parts of the reception so consider that in your shoe choice ladies

I put this as people were asking me 1) if they can or have to wear boots 2) a lot of people are not familiar with the area

If this does come off as offensive, bossy or rude, any revision suggestions would be appreciated

aurorajanette · November 2013

@jennbelden I would not tell people the you would love if they dress up a little. It's a wedding. Everyone know that they tend to be dress-up occasions, and it does come off a little condescending. Also, if guests know your wedding is outside, you don't need to remind women to consider their shoe choice. Again, this comes off as condescending and as if they've never realized before that a heel can stick in grass, mud or dirt. I know it wasn't your intention, but especially on a screen, people will read that and be offended.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

aurorajanette said:

@jennbelden I would not tell people the you would love if they dress up a little. It's a wedding. Everyone know that they tend to be dress-up occasions, and it does come off a little condescending. Also, if guests know your wedding is outside, you don't need to remind women to consider their shoe choice. Again, this comes off as condescending and as if they've never realized before that a heel can stick in grass, mud or dirt. I know it wasn't your intention, but especially on a screen, people will read that and be offended.

Agree. @Jennbelden I would stop after your first sentence.

hikebikebemerry · November 2013

I'm a big fan of saying "cocktail attire", it's not super dressy, but no means casual. It's good that you mentioned it being outside, so women will know what do for shoes, but I agree with PP that telling them to consider their shoe choice isn't necessary.

jennbelden · November 2013

oh ok, thanks for the feedback, i dont want to be condescending! so you think it's enough just to say it's at a ranch and they will know that means on the grass? The first sentence is sufficiently informative about that?

Jen4948 · November 2013

jennbelden said:

a related question....Under the attire section I put the following: The wedding is at a functioning ranch so yes, nice boots are acceptable. We are considering our wedding non black tie but would love if y'all would dress up a little. There will be a grass area used for the ceremony and parts of the reception so consider that in your shoe choice ladies

I put this as people were asking me 1) if they can or have to wear boots 2) a lot of people are not familiar with the area
If this does come off as offensive, bossy or rude, any revision suggestions would be appreciated

I'd leave out the two bolded lines. They do come across as a little condescending. If you omit them and keep the rest, you'll be conveying the necessary information without getting under anyone's skin.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

I always appreciate knowing when a wedding is outdoors as opposed to indoors. Not only for shoe choices, but clothing and makeup choices. I've gotten severely sunburnt at an outdoor wedding that nobody knew was outdoors with no available shade. And I've frozen to death because I didn't know about an outdoor reception (when I assumed from the venue choice that we would be inside the building on the property) and didn't bring a heavy enough sweater. And if it's outdoors, knowing if there's grass or pavement or a gravel path, or walking, would be especially nice. All I need to know is 'you are going to be at this place at this time, and this is what that place is like'. I can take it from there.

jennbelden · November 2013

ok, I appreciate the feedback and am updating my website now

Thanks again ladies

How to make the wrong first impression... Rant/Warning

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