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Completly Alone

stmaarten2014stmaarten2014 member
First Comment
in Wedding Party
We have all dreamt about planning our weddings since we were little. That feeling of being a bride and all of the fun "girlly" stuff that comes along with that. So what do you do when none of that exists? I moved around a lot my whole life and it has been truly difficult to hold on to real friendships. I have found my best friend in my fiancée however it really is not the same when planning a wedding. My fiancée lost his father 9 years ago so he insisted on getting married in St. Maarten because that is where he feels closest to him so how could I possibly argue with that. However because of financial reasons NONE of my family is able to attend. I have always dreamt of having my little sister stand by me but because she is also engaged she cant afford to make it. My love requested that his sister and sister in law be in the wedding so I agreed but I have yet to even get a phone call (in the 7 months of planning to see how planning is going). I asked his cousin who I am close to to be my moh but my fiancées mother ruined that and that also caused me to lose my flower girl. I asked the first friend I had when I moved here to be a bridesmaid she said yes then 3 weeks later got a new boyfriend and blew me off. Another bridesmaids husband was unable to take vacation so that's another one down.. Oh it gets better. 2 of my closest friends that I have managed to keep through all of the moving both promised they were going, and when I kept reminding them to get the dresses the final thing was I don't want to get stuck with the dress if I cant make it because im afraid to ask for a few days off of work and the other is having relationship issues with a guy she just met (who mind you is 1 of several guys she is seeing) and I haven't heard from them since. So I added one of the girlfriends of a groomsman who was the first girl to be super excited since I lost his cousin and now she is not sure they are coming because of a cruise they are taking the following month so she didn't bother getting a dress either nor have I heard from her. To top everything off my fiancées mom expressed that this wedding was going to ruin her vacation and HER island..  My hubby doesn't understand why Im upset or why I keep crying over this but when you are planning a wedding with zero support and without all the fun girlly things its pretty sad and very lonely. During this whole planning process the only time I felt like a Bride is when I bought my dress but even that is hard to think about because it was the last time I saw my grandmother. She passed away a few weeks later. The rest of the family is all wrapped up in my sisters wedding and I am so happy that she has that but it is so hard to handle when I have no one at all. I am blessed and happy about the marriage but miserable about the wedding!!!! I just want to feel like a Bride... I could use some advise
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Re: Completly Alone

  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    We have all dreamt about planning our weddings since we were little. That feeling of being a bride and all of the fun "girlly" stuff that comes along with that. So what do you do when none of that exists? I moved around a lot my whole life and it has been truly difficult to hold on to real friendships. I have found my best friend in my fiancée however it really is not the same when planning a wedding. My fiancée lost his father 9 years ago so he insisted on getting married in St. Maarten because that is where he feels closest to him so how could I possibly argue with that. However because of financial reasons NONE of my family is able to attend. I have always dreamt of having my little sister stand by me but because she is also engaged she cant afford to make it. My love requested that his sister and sister in law be in the wedding so I agreed but I have yet to even get a phone call (in the 7 months of planning to see how planning is going). I asked his cousin who I am close to to be my moh but my fiancées mother ruined that and that also caused me to lose my flower girl. I asked the first friend I had when I moved here to be a bridesmaid she said yes then 3 weeks later got a new boyfriend and blew me off. Another bridesmaids husband was unable to take vacation so that's another one down.. Oh it gets better. 2 of my closest friends that I have managed to keep through all of the moving both promised they were going, and when I kept reminding them to get the dresses the final thing was I don't want to get stuck with the dress if I cant make it because im afraid to ask for a few days off of work and the other is having relationship issues with a guy she just met (who mind you is 1 of several guys she is seeing) and I haven't heard from them since. So I added one of the girlfriends of a groomsman who was the first girl to be super excited since I lost his cousin and now she is not sure they are coming because of a cruise they are taking the following month so she didn't bother getting a dress either nor have I heard from her. To top everything off my fiancées mom expressed that this wedding was going to ruin her vacation and HER island..  My hubby doesn't understand why Im upset or why I keep crying over this but when you are planning a wedding with zero support and without all the fun girlly things its pretty sad and very lonely. During this whole planning process the only time I felt like a Bride is when I bought my dress but even that is hard to think about because it was the last time I saw my grandmother. She passed away a few weeks later. The rest of the family is all wrapped up in my sisters wedding and I am so happy that she has that but it is so hard to handle when I have no one at all. I am blessed and happy about the marriage but miserable about the wedding!!!! I just want to feel like a Bride... I could use some advise


    Paragraphs, please. Also, is he your fiancé or your husband? Those words are not interchangeable.
    Really though, you shouldn't need 'support' or help planning your wedding from anyone except your groom (it's his wedding too, after all). And I'm guessing your sister's wedding is happening before yours, which would make sense that people are focusing on it first. And you expect people to be all excited and talking about your wedding for the past 7 months (how many more do you have to go??) which can get really annoying. I mean, we love to talk about weddings here, obviously, but not everyone in real life does, especially ones that are months/years in the future.
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  • stmaarten2014stmaarten2014 member
    First Comment

     OK first of all I wasn't aware I was writing an essay for English class, second I have called him hubby forever married or not.  He is a tremendous support and even picked the bridesmaids dresses, menu and pretty much everything so far!  I don't care who you are with no man is going to enjoy spending hours looking at pictures of flowers and place settings let alone makeup and hair!!! Nor would I ever ask him to because I don't want to bore him to death with girl things and any woman that would is controlling and selfish. I think your missing the point!

     I got engaged in March my sister in May. Im getting married in March she is getting married in July. So I was engaged and getting married first. Not that any of that matters her day is just as important as mine. Tell me how you would feel in this situation.... My fiancée and I are paying for our wedding completely on our own my sisters fiancées family is paying for everything and yet my mom stood there and swipe my credit card for my dress then 3 months later paid for my sisters! You don't think that would break you heart? Its not at all about the money I could care less about that so don't bother going there...

     I am not looking for 24/7 excitement about my wedding but for someone in my life to care even in the slightest. Before I lost my MOH she was excited. Planning girl nights with wine and looking at Bridal magazines, helping me figure out how to tie a bow on an invite and so much more. That is all I want especially with my wedding only being 4 months away. I don't get the excitement of tastings and looking at flowers and venues in person. I get emails and pictures on my lap top. Nothing to smell, touch, taste. Nothing to make this feel real and exciting for me. You cant imagine how that feels. So lets top it all off with the loss of 5 bridesmaids and the fact that the 2 I have are doing this out of obligation and we have a 100 to 1 ratio his side my side at the wedding. Then I finally reach out and I get someone who couldn't understand anything more than the surface of what I wrote trying to make me feel worse.  Thank you!!!!

    Let me just add that I am an event/wedding coordinator so I really don't need the logistics of how things should be!!! 

     

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  • stmaarten2014stmaarten2014 member
    First Comment

     Originally there was no "wedding" just him and I in St Maarten but as we told people it grew into this huge thing before I could blink people were booking flights and rooms. I had no choice at that point but to plan an actual wedding to accommodate the people coming. As things progressed I saw how important this whole event was to him. I am doing this all for him even though the situation behind it breaks my heart. He is 42 never married and this is his dream. Having said that I know I shouldn't care about the things on my side but I am still a bride and a woman how could it not.

     About his mother well... She is changing into a horrible person. I honestly think she is trying to cause issues. My fiancée is the oldest and after his father died he moved in and was always there. She doesn't do much on her own or atleast didn't.  He adored and spoiled her rotten and here I come. That has to be hard for her, she is again losing a companion in her eyes. Still not fair to me. She is a good woman but very selfish by nature...

      

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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    stmaarten2014 said:

     Originally there was no "wedding" just him and I in St Maarten but as we told people it grew into this huge thing before I could blink people were booking flights and rooms. I had no choice at that point but to plan an actual wedding to accommodate the people coming. As things progressed I saw how important this whole event was to him. I am doing this all for him even though the situation behind it breaks my heart. He is 42 never married and this is his dream. Having said that I know I shouldn't care about the things on my side but I am still a bride and a woman how could it not.

     About his mother well... She is changing into a horrible person. I honestly think she is trying to cause issues. My fiancée is the oldest and after his father died he moved in and was always there. She doesn't do much on her own or atleast didn't.  He adored and spoiled her rotten and here I come. That has to be hard for her, she is again losing a companion in her eyes. Still not fair to me. She is a good woman but very selfish by nature...

      

    I thought your complaint was that nobody was coming to your wedding?



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  • HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Your bridesmaids would probably be more excited if you didn't keep adding/replacing them like you're casting parts in a play. You don't NEED BMs. You can have them if you want to ask your nearest and dearest to stand up with you. 

    Judging from what I could read of your post (this may not be English class, but do try to use proper grammar and spelling; it helps us follow your frenetic train of thought), you ask people, they drop out, so you ask new people. No one's going to feel special if they're being re-cast as a BM after the original BM dropped out.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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  • stmaarten2014stmaarten2014 member
    First Comment

    Wow Im so glad I looked to other brides for support.... Im so happy your wedding planning and relationships are going so perfect for you... Which Im sure its not or you wouldn't be responding to this on a Friday night!!! Ps. My grammar and spelling are just fine thank you. Again the larger part of you aren't really getting my point. My complaint has nothing really to do with how many people are attending my wedding. As for adding and replacing people, I have not done that and reread the people I truly care about CANT be there. Again this is NOT about that..... Had I of know I would be attacked I would never of posted here, apparently most of you here are perfect. News flash I am a wedding coordinator and you are far from it... 

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  • stmaarten2014stmaarten2014 member
    First Comment
    I am an event coordinator which does include many weddings. Not that any of that matters. However, I do find it pretty ridiculous that you find the need to judge me because I write Im instead of I'm. Really not here for a grammar lesson..... Happy planning
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  • doeydodoeydo member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't have any close "girlfriends" because I am shy and slow to open up to people.  I don't expect anyone to help me plan the wedding (besides my FI, of course) or to be as excited as I am about getting married.  If you want that, hire someone.  Even if you had lots of BMs and close friends, you shouldn't expect or ask for anything from them besides getting a dress of your choice and showing up for the wedding on time.  
    If he wants someone to be in the wedding party, then he can ask them to be on his side.  BMs should be your nearest and dearest.  
    Also, you are getting married in a location where none of your family or friends can make it to the wedding because he wants to get married in a place that reminds him of his dad who has passed away.  Seriously?  He doesn't care that your living relatives who you want to attend can't because of the wedding location?  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    stmaarten2014 said:
    I am an event coordinator which does include many weddings. Not that any of that matters. However, I do find it pretty ridiculous that you find the need to judge me because I write Im instead of I'm. Really not here for a grammar lesson..... Happy planning
    It's not necessary to be so defensive.  You chose to post here regardless of what your profession is, so your posts are going to be "judged" based on what you wrote.  If you don't want a "grammar lesson," then it would be advisable to use correct grammar.
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    stmaarten2014 said:
    I am an event coordinator which does include many weddings. Not that any of that matters. However, I do find it pretty ridiculous that you find the need to judge me because I write Im instead of I'm. Really not here for a grammar lesson..... Happy planning
    ...congratulations?

    So what exactly are you complaining about? 



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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I asked for paragraphs because it's hard to read walls of text like you initially posted. We have to communicate solely through written word on this forum, and if you want to be understood, you do need to use it reasonably correctly.

    Why did you agree to have the wedding in another country if it upsets you that he'll have way more guests? Have you brought up these feelings to him at all? If he's so good and supportive, surely he will be willing to compromise.
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  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    stmaarten2014 said:

    Wow Im so glad I looked to other brides for support.... Im so happy your wedding planning and relationships are going so perfect for you... Which Im sure its not or you wouldn't be responding to this on a Friday night!!! Ps. My grammar and spelling are just fine thank you. Again the larger part of you aren't really getting my point. My complaint has nothing really to do with how many people are attending my wedding. As for adding and replacing people, I have not done that and reread the people I truly care about CANT be there. Again this is NOT about that..... Had I of know I would be attacked I would never of posted here, apparently most of you here are perfect. News flash I am a wedding coordinator and you are far from it... 

    Then what is your complaint, what is it about?  The way you wrote your post makes it sound like you are devastated that none of your friends or family can be there, which I totally understand.  It also sounds like you keep replacing bridesmaids.  This is where things like paragraphs and grammar come into play.  So that we can understand what you are trying to say.   

    The dig about being home on friday night was uncalled for.  My husband is in the military so I have spent many a friday night at home while he was working.  It had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship.  Not to mention you were responding on a Friday night too so by your logic that means your relationship is in trouble.  
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    OP, there's really no need to get so defensive.  I think the responses on here were totally reasonable and actually helpful.

    As to criticizing posters for responding on a weekend night, that's just rude and childish.  Comments like that aren't really helping make your case that you aren't a bridezilla.

    That said, I was actually really sympathetic reading your OP.  Getting married and choosing BMs really brings your friendships into the spotlight, and that can be hard if friendships aren't as strong as you'd like.  I have struggled with some similar issues: I have a handful of close girlfriends I love like sisters, but three of them live abroad or OOS.  It's a challenge.  It sucks.  Nobody's saying it doesn't suck that you don't have that many close friends.

    Thoughts: 
    1) BMs should be those who are absolutely closest and near to your heart.  I would not call my BMs at 3am to bury a body mostly because I would never murder someone... but if I did, you bet they are the ones I could call.  You should be THAT close.  If those you are closest to are unable to make it, you should not be asking people you would not call at 3am.  
    2) There's no need for each side of the WP to match.  You can have fewer BMs than Fi has GM, and that's just fine.  Again, don't rush to replace BMs just for the sake of numbers.
    3) It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with Fi about the location of your wedding.  I understand that he wants to feel like he's close to his late father, and that's very sweet.  However, it sounds like he's really pushing this location on you, at the expense of your whole family being able to come.  That sounds patently unfair and you really need to discuss this as a couple.  PP's suggestion to marry somewhere all family can make it, and then honeymoon in St. Maarten, sounds like a lovely idea.  You should be making decisions for what's best for both of you as a couple.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    jenniferurs said:
    We have all dreamt about planning our weddings since we were little. That feeling of being a bride and all of the fun "girlly" stuff that comes along with that. So what do you do when none of that exists? I moved around a lot my whole life and it has been truly difficult to hold on to real friendships. I have found my best friend in my fiancée however it really is not the same when planning a wedding. My fiancée lost his father 9 years ago so he insisted on getting married in St. Maarten because that is where he feels closest to him so how could I possibly argue with that. However because of financial reasons NONE of my family is able to attend. I have always dreamt of having my little sister stand by me but because she is also engaged she cant afford to make it. My love requested that his sister and sister in law be in the wedding so I agreed but I have yet to even get a phone call (in the 7 months of planning to see how planning is going). I asked his cousin who I am close to to be my moh but my fiancées mother ruined that and that also caused me to lose my flower girl. I asked the first friend I had when I moved here to be a bridesmaid she said yes then 3 weeks later got a new boyfriend and blew me off. Another bridesmaids husband was unable to take vacation so that's another one down.. Oh it gets better. 2 of my closest friends that I have managed to keep through all of the moving both promised they were going, and when I kept reminding them to get the dresses the final thing was I don't want to get stuck with the dress if I cant make it because im afraid to ask for a few days off of work and the other is having relationship issues with a guy she just met (who mind you is 1 of several guys she is seeing) and I haven't heard from them since. So I added one of the girlfriends of a groomsman who was the first girl to be super excited since I lost his cousin and now she is not sure they are coming because of a cruise they are taking the following month so she didn't bother getting a dress either nor have I heard from her. To top everything off my fiancées mom expressed that this wedding was going to ruin her vacation and HER island..  My hubby doesn't understand why Im upset or why I keep crying over this but when you are planning a wedding with zero support and without all the fun girlly things its pretty sad and very lonely. During this whole planning process the only time I felt like a Bride is when I bought my dress but even that is hard to think about because it was the last time I saw my grandmother. She passed away a few weeks later. The rest of the family is all wrapped up in my sisters wedding and I am so happy that she has that but it is so hard to handle when I have no one at all. I am blessed and happy about the marriage but miserable about the wedding!!!! I just want to feel like a Bride... I could use some advise


    Paragraphs, please. Also, is he your fiancé or your husband? Those words are not interchangeable.
    Really though, you shouldn't need 'support' or help planning your wedding from anyone except your groom (it's his wedding too, after all). And I'm guessing your sister's wedding is happening before yours, which would make sense that people are focusing on it first. And you expect people to be all excited and talking about your wedding for the past 7 months (how many more do you have to go??) which can get really annoying. I mean, we love to talk about weddings here, obviously, but not everyone in real life does, especially ones that are months/years in the future.
    How does her post come across like she expects everyone to talk about the wedding 24/7 for the past 7 months? All I got from it is that she's disappointed that not a single family member can make her wedding, that 5 girls have dropped out of the wedding party, and that the 2 sisters remaining in the wedding party haven't called her ONCE in 7 months. I don't think she comes across as AWish or needy for being upset about those things. To the OP: 1) I get that St Maarten is where your fiancé feels closest to his father, and having recently lost my own, I completely understand that being a big factor. However, wouldn't your family being unable to attend a wedding there also be just as big, if not a bigger factor? Maybe you can compromise and have the wedding in a locale convenient for everyone and then honeymoon in St Maarten? I don't know. It just seems odd to me that your fiancé is okay with having the wedding in a destination that precludes your nearest and dearest from attending. Seems to me that selecting a location that you know your VIPs will be able to travel to is commonly the first factor checked off when deciding upon a venue. 2) How did his mom sabotage your relationship with the cousin and flower girl? 3) Why would the wedding ruin her vacation/island?
    I agree about the location factor. Consider moving it.  I "get" his dad died and he feels close there, but I sincerely question anoy man who would choose a location that would lead their bride to not have a single person from THEIR side be able to attend esp knowing how upsetting it is to her...It seems a little cold and thoughtless to me. ..I would seriously discuss THAT fact before you move on with the marriage as he is not considering your feelings at all.

    Maybe have the wedding in your town and the honeymoon in St. maartan or something so he still has the connection.

    If you going to heartbroken to get married with no family there, TELL him. He needs to know that. If he doesn't care still, move on from him as any decent man wouldn't do that to a woman he loves. 
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  • joanneandlukejoanneandluke member
    First Comment
    I understand how you feel when it comes to your mom buying your sisters dress.  My mom came home (to Michigan) from Florida for my brothers wedding, and when I wanted to go dress shopping with her because it would be the only time before my wedding, she wanted to go to the casino on the day of the appointment.  EVEN after she told me to go ahead an make one and she will work around it.

    I also understand the feeling of no one wanting to discuss wedding stuff.  I've been engaged for 9 months with just over 7 months to go and my MOH never has time to go try on dresses.  I'm doing a destination wedding also, so most of the work is internet and phone calls, not much to help with but try on dresses.

    Thing will work out.  I've noticed I get in slumps every once in a while and feel like no one cares and they don't, not as much as I do anyway!
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    I think there's a pretty simple solution to all this: move the wedding to a location where people from his side AND your side can attend.

    If you aren't open to that then I think you just have to accept that due to the remote location of your wedding, you won't have many people there.
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  • niki&robniki&rob member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper

    WOW! Can not believe the responses, really compassionate people on here.  Grow up pp's. 

    You are in a tough situation, maybe you two should elope!! have a honeymoon in st. Maarten and a party back home with the people who could not make it!

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  • niki&robniki&rob member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited November 2013

     

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  • niki&robniki&rob member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    mysticl said:

    stmaarten2014 said:

    Wow Im so glad I looked to other brides for support.... Im so happy your wedding planning and relationships are going so perfect for you... Which Im sure its not or you wouldn't be responding to this on a Friday night!!! Ps. My grammar and spelling are just fine thank you. Again the larger part of you aren't really getting my point. My complaint has nothing really to do with how many people are attending my wedding. As for adding and replacing people, I have not done that and reread the people I truly care about CANT be there. Again this is NOT about that..... Had I of know I would be attacked I would never of posted here, apparently most of you here are perfect. News flash I am a wedding coordinator and you are far from it... 

    Then what is your complaint, what is it about?  The way you wrote your post makes it sound like you are devastated that none of your friends or family can be there, which I totally understand.  It also sounds like you keep replacing bridesmaids.  This is where things like paragraphs and grammar come into play.  So that we can understand what you are trying to say.   

    The dig about being home on friday night was uncalled for.  My husband is in the military so I have spent many a friday night at home while he was working.  It had nothing to do with the strength of our relationship.  Not to mention you were responding on a Friday night too so by your logic that means your relationship is in trouble.  Y
    You are rude! Grow up little girl, your reading comprehension must be at grade 8 for you to twist the words the way you did. Why don't you join teen bride forums
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  • aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    AddieL73 said:
    Why does your fiance get what HE needs out of this and you don't? Marriage is all about compromise, and if you can't even compromise over the WEDDING, I worry what will happen in your actual marriage. And I'm home and responding on a Saturday night because I'm a mature adult who doesn't need to be out every night just because it's a weekend.
    I 100% agree with this. When I read the OP it was a huge red flag to me.  The fact that he cares only about his needs, and is not considering your wants or needs is not a healthy way to begin a marriage. I don't know you or your FI, but if you are finding that this is a norm for your relationship it may be best to push the wedding off a bit and instead go to some counseling. 

    Also niki&rob, no one here was rude to OP. Everyone gave thoughtful advice. It was a bit confusing trying to figure out the real issue here, so people asked for clarification and were met with anger and accusations. You were the one who came on here and started attacking posters. 
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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
    @niki&rob - the only one that sounds immature and rude is you. 
    Amen.
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  • CJandRyanCJandRyan member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I understand the sentiment behind St. Maarten but it's not fair of him to ask you to get married someplace where your friends and family won't be able to attend. I agree with some of the other posters that this would be a good option for a honeymoon but have the ceremony closer to home. I think you need to sit down with your fiance and have a heart to heart about your feelings on this. 
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