Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding

vitacarminis · September 2010

First time poster looking for some advice.

My friend is getting married seven weeks before I am. I just received her invitation, and the envelope is addressed only to me. She knows that I am engaged, she's received my Save the Date (which included her fiancé), she's invited to my bachelorette party, lingerie party, etc.

I will attend her wedding whether or not my fiancé can come, since her wedding day is about her, not about me, but I have got to say I am hurt and dismayed that she would exclude my fiancé. We will be husband and wife less than 50 days after her wedding. I really will not be able to enjoy her wedding without him by my side - it would just feel weird.

My question is how should I handle this with her? I am thinking of a few options:

1 - call her and first, make sure that she did mean to leave out my fiancé. If she did, ask if there's any way he can be fit in once they receive their RSVPs and know if there is space.

2 - call her mom and go through her, rather than talking to my friend directly.

3 - write a note on the back of my RSVP card, asking if there is any way that he can come.

I'm just not sure what's the best solution - I don't know if it's better to call her and talk to her in person (which might make her really uncomfortable), or to handle it indirectly by calling her mom (who might be able to talk a little more freely), or if writing a note is the classier way to handle this.

I don't want to just RSVP for me and assume that he can't come and not ask. If I were to find out later that he could have been squeezed in at the last minute, that would make me ever more sad about it!

Thanks for any suggestions!

And can I just vent once more - I can't believe she didn't invite my fiancé along with me. That's just so wrong. Ouch!

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

I would go #1, call and see if it was an oversight. If it was, great. If not and your FI isn't invited, then that's up to you, but I don't think I would be attending.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · September 2010

I agree with PP. RSVP for both of you and see what happens. If she calls and says he's not invited, I wouldn't go. Why wouldn't she invite your fiance? Sheesh.

bellebride116 · September 2010

I wouldn't ask at all. I would just drop it. If you want to go even if he isn't invited then just respond for yourself. If SHE ASKS why you didn't put him down then it's another story {in other words, if it was her mistake for not putting him on the invite and SHE says something, fine}.

However, as it stands right now, I would take it as if his name isn't on there then he's not invited. Even if it was some odd scenario there she didn't know his name or something, she would still put "and guest." Writing a note on the back of the RSVP or asking if he can come is pretty rude and puts your friend on the spot. I do think she should have invited him, but I obviously don't know her personally and know what her situation is and why she didn't.

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:888d5fe0-1e91-4fc2-a676-4c2a4fbaa10d">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't ask at all. I would just drop it. If you want to go even if he isn't invited then just respond for yourself. If SHE ASKS why you didn't put him down then it's another story {in other words, if it was her mistake for not putting him on the invite and SHE says something, fine}. However, as it stands right now, I would take it as if his name isn't on there then he's not invited. Even if it was some odd scenario there she didn't know his name or something, she would still put "and guest." <strong>Writing a note on the back of the RSVP or asking if he can come is pretty rude </strong>and puts your friend on the spot. I do think she should have invited him, but I obviously don't know her personally and know what her situation is and why she didn't.
Posted by bellebride116[/QUOTE]

Not inviting someone's FI is pretty rude.

quotequeen · September 2010

I wouldn't just RSVP for both of you, or flat-out ask if he can come, I think that's pretty rude. But I would possibly ask her if it was intentional in a non-confrontational way.

quotequeen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:137b56c3-7155-4745-82e8-b4822e48bfd7">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding : Not inviting someone's FI is pretty rude.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

That doesn't mean it's ok to be rude back.

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

I don't think calling a friend and politely asking if it was an oversight that your very soon to be husband was not invited is rude. It's clarifying the invitation so you can respond properly. If OP is fine attending either way then just RSVP for yourself. But that's not what I would do.

vitacarminis · September 2010

Ok, so not through the mom.

I guess it is more up-front to just call her.

Sigh.

I feel like I might need a few drinks before I dial her number to get my courage up!

squirrly · September 2010

Just call her.

"Hi there! I'm so excited for you! I was filling in the RSVP card and noticed that FI's name isn't on it. It's probably just an oversite, but I didn't want to just write his name in without calling first."

That's what I'd say. You've provided her with an easy out, if it was a mistake, and you're calling to be polite about it. If it's not ok and she says he can't come, I, personally wouldn't attend.

BeeBee22 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:493da890-f53d-426b-a3ae-ec56c0db198c">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I would go #1, call and see if it was an oversight. If it was, great. If not and your FI isn't invited, then that's up to you, but I don't think I would be attending.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. She may not be handling the invitations herself, and may not know your FI was overlooked. It might have been her mom, etc., who just screwed up.</div><div>
</div><div>I agree you should call her to clarify, "FI isn't listed on the invitation, and I was wondering if that was an oversight." His not being invited would be a significant etiquette breach on her part. </div><div>
</div><div>I wouldn't ask whether he might be squeezed in if others decline. You two are a unit and deserve to be treated as one - if you're invited, then he's invited. You would be completely appropriate in declining the invitation if he isn't included. Most people would.</div><div>
</div>

L-Bride · September 2010

I don't think it's rude for you to call or RSVP for the both of you. I definitely would ask. It's not as if you're a single girl and decided to rsvp your new flavor of the month- it's your fiance. In fact it's not even rude of you to decline if he's not invited. If my FI wasn't invited to a wedding I would most likely decline and I believe my Fi would do the same if the roles were reversed. I
I would be willing to bet it was just a mistake especially if she's coming to all of your wedding festivities. Give her a call.

Birdie1483 · September 2010

I would call her and word it the way Squirrly did. Truthfully, if she intentionally left your FI off of the invitation, she was kind of asking for the uncomfortable situation that will happen when she has to tell you that no, it was not a mistake. If she didn't want to be put on the spot or be in an uncomfortabe situation like that, then she should have followed etiquette rules and common sense and included your FI.

Galaxy8227 · September 2010

I would call and talk to her about it. Like PP's said she might not have done the addressing and someone else could have made the mistake. But I'm not sure if I would attend a wedding where my FI wasn't invited.

AutumnFair · September 2010

My best friends had this happened to them when our social unit was invited to another friend's wedding. One had a FI and the other one was a long time SO (he proposed a year later), and both got invites with only their names. Friend A called up the Bride to clarify and it was the Bride's mom who was doing the invites, needless to say simple fix for all parties.

rbtrumpet · September 2010

I agree to go with #1 - call her and ask.

Do you guys live together? We had one couple who we are friends with both of them (they are actually getting married this weekend - 8 days after us!), but they did not live together. We sent him and invitation just to him, and her an invitation just to her - because we weren't sure who to send one combined one too, and we are friends with both - we figured they'd figure it out amongst themselves that they were both actually invited.

TTiger03 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:ddbbe245-dccf-4713-8a25-a6dda22e752f">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Just call her. "Hi there! I'm so excited for you! I was filling in the RSVP card and noticed that FI's name isn't on it. It's probably just an oversite, but I didn't want to just write his name in without calling first." That's what I'd say. You've provided her with an easy out, if it was a mistake, and you're calling to be polite about it. If it's not ok and she says he can't come, I, personally wouldn't attend.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This sounds perfect. </div><div>I would not just put his name on the card. There are countless threads here with brides complaining that guests did just that. You are planning your own wedding now, so you understand more than many of her guests just how stressful things like write-ins can be.</div><div>
</div><div>I completely agree with squirrly here. This gives her an easy out either way.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · September 2010

Some people are clueless about addressing invitations. She might assume you'll bring him even without his name on the invitation. Some people assume kids are invited even if they aren't explicitly mentioned on the invitation.

So since not inviting your FI is really a big etiquette faux pas, I would call to CLARIFY what she meant. And if she says she's only inviting married couples, or SOs she's met before, or can't squeeze him in, I honestly wouldn't go. My FI comes before any of my friends. I wouldn't allow someone to slap him in the face like that and condone it.

banana468 · September 2010

I'm going to echo PPs that you should call to clarify that he is indeed welcome.

And if he isn't welcome then I would just decline the invitation. Good friends of mine don't ask me to choose between my SO and them.

ThePinkSuperhero · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:20bbe1e7-93f2-42a6-9afa-1d1f56b56e3d">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to echo PPs that you should call to clarify that he is indeed welcome. And if he isn't welcome then I would just decline the invitation. Good friends of mine don't ask me to choose between my SO and them.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Her wedding day isn't about her, it's about her marriage, and you all are being invited to witness, support, and celebrate the union. You're supposed to support her but she won't even let you bring your FI? Laaaaaame.

vitacarminis · September 2010

You guys all rock. Thanks so much for all the words of wisdom! I'm going to let myself calm down a little bit (don't want to start sounding weepy or angsty) and then I'll give her a call and see what's going on.

Muchas gracias, ladies!

tenofcups4me · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:2377d2d4-1deb-45b9-aeb4-1cf3e8a46b78">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people are clueless about addressing invitations. She might assume you'll bring him even without his name on the invitation. Some people assume kids are invited even if they aren't explicitly mentioned on the invitation. So since not inviting your FI is really a big etiquette faux pas, I would call to CLARIFY what she meant. And if she says she's only inviting married couples, or SOs she's met before, or can't squeeze him in, I honestly wouldn't go. My FI comes before any of my friends. I wouldn't allow someone to slap him in the face like that and condone it.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

This. There apparently are at least a significant number of people who really don't know all the names have to go on the invitation -- including one of DH's best friends. Shortly after we moved in together, best friend sent us a wedding invitation, addressed only to DH. We received it the day after the best friend and I had had a lengthy conversation about his wedding, where he had made it crystal-clear that I was invited.

It wasn't a mistake. It wasn't an oversight. He had addressed them himself. He just didn't know my name was supposed to be there too.

lexandfab · September 2010

Definitely just call her. Do not just write his name in. I absolutely agree what she did is worse but that would make you rude as well. This JUST happened to us last week. Received an invitation addressed only to FI (we are getting married in 2 weeks, the wedding is in 6 weeks) and my name was not on it, nor did it say 'and guest'. He asked him the next day, it was a total etiquette mess up on their part and it ended up being funny.

quotequeen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:16647f6e-0d61-4dcf-ac92-bd9d3bc4e9fd">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding : How do you ask someone that kinda question without it sounding confrontational? OP: "Hey, I noticed my invitation only had my name on it. Is that right?" I suppose that could work. So, OP, go ahead and call her and ask. Don't go through the mom.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Right. I mean, rather than saying something like "you meant to invite my FI, right? because etiquette says you have to!" you would just politely say that you noticed your FI's name wasn't on the invitation and were wondering if that was an oversight or if he's just not invited. And if she says he's not invited, avoid making comments back about how rude that is, and just decide whether you still want to attend or not.

vitacarminis · September 2010

That story is good to hear. Of course, the first thing my mind rushes to is that she meant to leave him off, and this situation is going to be uncomfortable and I'm going to be all sad & lonely at her wedding. :-P

Hopefully it will all work out for the best and we'll laugh about it later!

leah2b · September 2010

Agree with the posters above that you should call her. Honestly, if she intentionally left him off, then she should expect to feel uncomfortable telling you - not the other way around. I've never heard of someone being invited to a wedding without a fiance unless there was some VERY good reason, like the parties are mortal enemies or something.

If she says, "Yes, I intentionally left him off b/c we don't have the space or $$ for him" or whatever, then you can decide whether you even want to attend.

aar25 · September 2010

It's really interesting that this happened to you, because it just happened to me today. One of my good friends is getting married in November. She sent out an evite for a save the date and mentioned that SOs couldn't come unless specifically asked. My fiance wasn't on the evite, nor was he on the invitation I just received. I'm not TOO upset, since he doesn't live in the area and so couldn't really come anyways, and it's going to be a small affair....But I have to admit, part of me is kinda pissed.

TTiger03 · September 2010

aar25.... wow. It's one thing to not invite SO's but actually putting in writing that they can't come unless specifically asked..... wow.

That' the same as saying "some people are going to get our approval to bring their SO and some of you are not. Don't even ask."

Talk about things to not include on an invitation (or STD)!

squirrly · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-allow-bring-fianc-friends-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2d919fce-0e18-4b3a-8234-7ea47ed2e0daPost:953036ad-0233-4a28-978f-379073401b59">Re: Not Allow to Bring My Fiancé to A Friend's Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]It's really interesting that this happened to you, because it just happened to me today. One of my good friends is getting married in November. She sent out an evite for a save the date and mentioned that SOs couldn't come unless specifically asked. My fiance wasn't on the evite, nor was he on the invitation I just received. I'm not TOO upset, since he doesn't live in the area and so couldn't really come anyways, and it's going to be a small affair....But I have to admit, part of me is kinda pissed.
Posted by aar25[/QUOTE]

That's not really a good friend. That's a successful leach. Honestly, I couldn't deal with a friend that would exclude my H, pretty much from the day we started dating.

eshaufle · September 2010

Same thing happened to me for the last wedding I was invited to. I knew the girl pretty well and was almost 100% positive it was an oversight not to put my fiance's name on the invite. I also knew we had the type of relationship that she would call me if there was an issue so I responded for both of us.

My mom disagreed with me on this though...she said if his name or "and Guest" was not present, he was not invited. I went ahead and did it though and it turns out I was right. She expected me to write in his name on the RSVP card. I'd say it's safe to assume you're a unit and she just addressed it to you because you're her friend.

kjs08 · September 2010

I'd call to ask. I agree with some of the PP that she may not have been the one doing the addressing and was simply left off. I'd much rather have someone call me to ask if I forgot to include so-and-so on the invite than get an RSVP back that includes people who weren't invited.

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