I want a small guestlist

monique637 · November 2013

For 2 reasons me and my fiance want a small wedding. The first reason is obviously due to the high cost at $85 per plate not to mention the more people the more centerpieces and table linen, more invites, more favors, etc etc. The second reason is because we really just wanted to share our special day with people who actually know us not our second cousin's twice removed best friend's daughter- you get the point. So we told our selves our cap was 80 people but as we've started our list we keep getting statements like "i cant believe your going to invite this aunt but not that one or this cousin but not that one." How do we handle this its so stressful because we feel horrible inviting some people but not others. HELP!

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

You and your FI need to sit down and make two lists: An absolute must-invite list and a would-like to invite list.

See how many people are on the first list, and then how many on the second list.

Somewhere between those two numbers is your invite list. If no one else us helping to pay for the wedding, then no one else gets a say.

I will say, though, that DH and I also thought we'd keep our guest list to 80. (We were initially going to pay for it all ourselves.) Without my parents' list, our total was 110. We ended up inviting 152. We had 99 people attend our wedding.

monique637 · November 2013

Thanks for your reply! My mom keeps telling me that usually 10-20% of the people you invite will not show up, but what if I invite everyone and everyone DOES show up. We are paying for it all on our own so it just makes me very nervous with this guessing game of who will and who wont show up and how many plates will be left empty or how many more plates will I have to pay for the day of.

Viczaesar · November 2013

monique637 said:

Thanks for your reply! My mom keeps telling me that usually 10-20% of the people you invite will not show up, but what if I invite everyone and everyone DOES show up. We are paying for it all on our own so it just makes me very nervous with this guessing game of who will and who wont show up and how many plates will be left empty or how many more plates will I have to pay for the day of.

You're absolutely correct to be nervous at that idea. You should never invite more than you physically and financially can afford to host if you get 100% attendance, which does happen. Don't ever assume a certain amount of declines.

Ven&Radio · November 2013

You're right to want to plan for 100% attendance. There's also nothing wrong with wanting a small wedding with just people you are close to. I do like the suggestion of inviting in "circles", but I feel there should be exceptions for people in the circle you haven't be in contact with in years. If you're close to one aunt, but haven't seen/talked to another in 5 years, personally I wouldn't feel any remorse at not inviting the second aunt.

jessicabessica · November 2013

It sounds like you have already picked your venue. I think it's a better idea to get a sense of your guest list first, rather than being constrained by the per person price at a particular place. It's fine to want a smaller guestlist, but if your main reason is that you want to use a certain venue, I don't think that's a great reason.

It's one thing to invite all your aunts/uncles and none of your cousins, or all your cousins but no cousins' kids. However, when you start picking particular aunts to invite and not inviting them all, you seriously run the risk of hurt feelings and family drama. I totally get that you're not on the same level with all of your extended family, but inviting some but not others within the same circle can send a pretty clear message to those uninvited. Just something to think about based on your own family dynamics and potential for drama.

CLI242009 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

You and your FI need to sit down and make two lists: An absolute must-invite list and a would-like to invite list. See how many people are on the first list, and then how many on the second list. Somewhere between those two numbers is your invite list.

This. I agree with completely. That is what FI and I did. I have mixed feelings about inviting in circles. I know not to cut a social unit up but I agree with Ven&Radio, that is what my FI and I did.

I have quite a few aunts and uncles who I have never met in my entire life. My extended family knows them and has gone to visit them but I myself have never met them. FI and I wanted those who helped us become the people we are today to be at our wedding. Those who influenced us and helped us during our lives. I did not invite these aunts and uncles. I felt repercussions from it (a lot of emails/facebook messages) on why I didn't invite _____?!?!? I told them honestly why. My extended family did not agree with it because my family sees a wedding as a party/family reunion type thing. I do not. So we clashed. They still love me and NOW they are not mad at me, but I am also not SUPER close with my family. So them being mad at me didn't bother me at all. That is what we did.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

1) Plan on 100% attendance for invites you send.

2) My brother is in a very similar situation and I have a feeling in my family circle, it is not going to go over well. I think picking and choosing can be really tricky. In our family, we still get together regularly, so it's particularly hard. I think if you don't keep in regular touch, that's a different case.

phira · November 2013

Come up with a line, stick to it, and then change the subject every time someone bothers you.

"How come you're not inviting so-and-so?"

"We are on a tight budget and are keeping our guest list small. Anyway, what's with this weather?"

"But she's your aunt's best friend's daughter! You have to invite her!"
"Like I said, we're on a tight budget and keeping the guest list small. Man, I wish I'd brought an umbrella."

"But surely you can invite one more person--you'll get a lot of declines anyway!"

"Like I said, we're keeping the guest list small. And don't call me Shirley."

Etc etc ad nauseum.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Tell whoever complains "We realize that you aren't happy that some family members aren't invited, but we're not able to invite everyone we'd like. Please consider the subject closed."

princessleia22 · November 2013

I agree with several of the PP. We also wanted to keep it really small (under 50 people). We made a MUST HAVE guest list with the people we would be absolutely devastated if they weren't there. That was a list of about 20 people, mainly immediate family and our absolute best friends. Once we decided that, we knew that, we would be happy with just those 20 people there and we were okay making whatever other cuts we had to make. Then we made the list of who we would really like to have there. This list was larger and took us beyond our 50 people, so that's where we stopped adding people and started making cuts. For making cuts, we did like others have said about inviting in circles. I had a couple of cousins I would have liked to invite, but I certainly couldn't invite all 30 of my cousins and still have a small wedding. So I made that my cut off and didn't invite any of my cousins. On the other hand, my FI only has 2 cousins, so we invited his. I invited all of my aunts/uncles, even though I really only cared to invite 2 of them, but I didn't want any hurt feelings. I had to make other cuts to accommodate that, but I already knew that I wouldn't be devastated by making cuts from this "want" list. We have other distant family that my parents are close to that they wanted to invite, but I just told them we were having a small wedding and had to cut off the list somewhere. Yes, there were some people I wouldn't mind having there, but it was easier for me to not invite them than it would be to deal with inviting that whole group of people. In the end its your day though. If you want it small, you need to stand firm on that. There will always be more people that want to be invited or could be invited. You just need to get used to saying, "we are having a small ceremony and have already reached our maximum number of guests" or "No, we cannot add just one more person". If you want YOUR wedding, get used to saying "NO" to everyone that tries to push their ideas on you. And if you do invite one or two people, rather than include the whole circle, that's your choice, but it will likely end with someone having hurt feelings. You need to decide if inviting that one person it worth that.

tammym1001 · November 2013

We are only inviting 35 people to our wedding. Most people have been understanding. "Most" would not include my grandmother. She kept harping on me about how I had to invite so and so all the time. I kept trying to bean dip her or give her reasons, but she just kept bringing it up. I finally told her I would be happy to remove her from the guest list so I could invite the other person she insisted must be there. I realize that's mean and may not work for everyone, but she quit bothering me about it.

LDay2014 · November 2013

we are also having a small wedding...26 guests plus FI and I.

Immediate family, wedding party and significant others (if applicable), very close friends.

No cousins, no kids - besides my own

To be honest, I don't feel guilty at all. Simply telling people we are having a very small wedding seems to be a sufficient response for most (except my FMIL who has no financial input in the wedding, just wants it big).

I agree with 'circles' of people. It's okay to invite aunts/uncles vs. cousins, or close friends vs. the neighbour that grew up down the road.

The bigger the wedding, the harder it is to justify saying 'no' to sending an invite.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

Also -- I forgot to mention in my first post, PLEASE plan on 100% attendance. We were lucky and had a high rate of decline because our wedding was OOT for DH's family. My side of the guest list (92 people) had 90-something percent acceptance. His side (60) people had a 30-something percent acceptance.

We planned on having 100 percent attendance, and our "wish list" of 80 grew exponentially when I sat down and realised that my (Greek-Irish family) alone was 45 people -- and that didn't include my friends, my BMs, my godparents, etc. Those 45 people were *JUST* first-degree family members.

Once we got a more realistic idea of how many people we wanted to invite, we found a venue based on that. It's best to figure out who you want to invite first, THEN figure out how much you can spend, THEN figure out where you can have it and what you can afford to feed them.

monique637 · November 2013

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I really like the circles idea and will be using that with the exception of the aunts and uncles and cousins who I see every "blue moon." I also will count on 100% attendance. I think it is a safer route then hoping so and so will not show up.

I want a small guestlist

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