MOH "duties"

MrsMuq · November 2013

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:

Providing the bride mental support
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements
Purchasing a dress and accessories
Giving a toast/speech
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower
Organizing the bachelorette party
Keeping the rest of the BP in line
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP

What say you?

jlazgrl · November 2013

I agree with mental support and buying their dress. None of the others are required.

freebread03 · November 2013

Why would someone need mental support for getting married? If it's that trying of a psychological experience, then she shouldn't be getting married.

Jen4948 · November 2013

MrsMuq said:

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:
Providing the bride mental support - Yes and no. To be "supportive" in the sense that they care, but not to provide therapy.
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements - No. This is what a wedding coordinator is for - not an MOH.
Purchasing a dress and accessories - Yes as regards the dress, but if the bride doesn't give them the choice of accessories, she should pay for them.
Giving a toast/speech - No. The MOH should not be forced to do this. It is optional.
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower - No. Not a duty at all. Totally optional. Bridal showers are not required at all.
Organizing the bachelorette party - No. Not a duty at all. Totally optional. Bachelorette parties are not required at all.
Keeping the rest of the BP in line - Absolutely not.
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP - Absolutely not. This is incredibly selfish.
What say you?

See the bolded responses in the quote box.

doeydo · November 2013

MrsMuq said:

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:
Providing the bride mental support - Yes and no. To be "supportive" in the sense that they care, but not to provide therapy.
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements - No. This is what a wedding coordinator is for - not an MOH.
Purchasing a dress and accessories - Yes as regards the dress, but if the bride doesn't give them the choice of accessories, she should pay for them.
Giving a toast/speech - No. The MOH should not be forced to do this. It is optional.
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower - No. Not a duty at all. Totally optional. Bridal showers are not required at all.
Organizing the bachelorette party - No. Not a duty at all. Totally optional. Bachelorette parties are not required at all.
Keeping the rest of the BP in line - Absolutely not.
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP - Absolutely not. This is incredibly selfish.
What say you?

See the bolded responses in the quote box.

This.

LiLe422 · November 2013

MrsMuq said:

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:
Providing the bride mental support
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements
Purchasing a dress and accessories
Giving a toast/speech
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower
Organizing the bachelorette party
Keeping the rest of the BP in line
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP
What say you?

This list is utterly fucking ridiculous! If you (general "you") think these "duties" accurately describe a MOH's responsibilities in a wedding -- you're a selfish, entitled brat and seriously need to get over yourself.

IMO, the MOH is responsible to buy a dress and show up (in said dress) on time. Anything additional is a plus.

climbingsingle · November 2013

My MOH only needs to show up. She can give a speech if she wants. She has no other duties. That list reads like it was written by someone very young.

kitty8403 · November 2013

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

Jen4948 · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

The MOH is not required to be a witness. Someone has to do it, but it does not necessarily have to be the MOH and/or best man.

phira · November 2013

MrsMuq said:

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:
Providing the bride mental support
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements
Purchasing a dress and accessories
Giving a toast/speech
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower
Organizing the bachelorette party
Keeping the rest of the BP in line
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP
What say you?

I say:

• "Mental support?" You probably mean emotional support. It's not the job of one person to manage a friend's feelings constantly.

• No. It's not the maid of honor's wedding.

• Purchasing a dress in her budget? Yes. Accessories? Only if she wants new ones.

• Only if she wants to give a toast/speech

• Only if she wants to host a bridal shower

• Only if she wants to host a bachelorette party

• Um ... the bridal party is not like ... a band of miscreants. No one is responsible for "keeping them in line." What does that even mean?

• You should be asking people to be in your wedding party because they are important to you, not because they can afford specific and unnecessary things.

NYCBruin · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

I've been to a few Catholic weddings where the MOH or BM was not Catholic and the marriage license was signed by someone who was.

As to everything else, what a stupid list. I hate these things. Why do people think that getting married means that your friends become your hired help?

photokitty · November 2013

Things I expect to be asked to do if I am MOH:

Support the bride and be a sounding board
Purchasing a dress
Giving a toast/speech
Organize the bachelorette party - even tho the bride is not supposed to asked to have one blah blah blah...

Things I'm going to offer to do if I am MOH, BUT don't expect to be asked to do them:

Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements
Purchase accessories/ shoes/ etc
"Organizing" the other ladies and make sure everyone knows where and when to be

This is the most ridiculous thing ever: And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP!

If you can't afford to get your butt to the wedding and buy the dress (but the bride should ask for your budget) then you should decline. Paying for the shower is the reason the old rule about immediate family hosting the shower has become so passé. I can'r afford to throw wedding showers for all the weddings I have been in - it's especially a lot to ask of a young woman who doesn't have a ton of disposable income.

ETA - bc I expect to be asked or would offer does not mean I would expect this out of my MOH. This is just what I expect of myself if I am MOH. But I like to help

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

Get the dress and show up looking appropriate to the occasion (and behaving appropriately). That is IT. Every single other thing is optional. WTF on 'keeping the bridal party in line'? If the BP is at risk of getting 'out of line' (whatever that is), then that has to do with the bride's choices of people, not keeping them in order like a prison chain gang.

"Support" is generally regarded as a negative thing. The MOH should be someone extremely close to the bride, someone she would turn to first when she needed anything, positive or negative, support or excitement, in any situation, wedding related or not. If she's in that position, she's going to 'be there' for the bride in any capacity, but spending money on her (aside from the dress) is not required.

aurorajanette · November 2013

MrsMuq said:

There's an interesting thread on TB that has diverged into a discussion as to what appropriate MOH "duties" are.

Many posters are in the camp of this - MOH is responsible for:
Providing the bride mental support
Helping with wedding details/last minute arrangements
Purchasing a dress and accessories
Giving a toast/speech
Throwing/hosting a bridal shower
Organizing the bachelorette party
Keeping the rest of the BP in line
And if the MOH, or any BP member, cannot afford the cost of throwing pre-wedding parties or anything else, they should decline being in the BP
What say you?

I agree with previous posters. The role of ANYONE in the BP is just to show up on the wedding day with the dress on.

To the bolded... wtf?? As an adult I don't need anyone to keep me in line, I don't need anyone to keep my adult friends in line, and if someone asked me to keep another adult in line, I would question that BIG TIME.

MrsMuq · November 2013

I will just say that this list is paraphrased from what several other posters wrote and not anyone's exact words.

That being said, I agree with the sentiment everyone here has expressed - I seriously needed to validate that I'm not going bonkers. So, thank you for reinforcing my hope that not all humans are selfish bastards.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Yeah this list is mostly BS. There's a difference between things someone would do as MOH to be nice, because you're already very close to the bride, and things that are "duties" the bride is entitled to ask for. My sister is MOH and she's already excited about bach and shower. I never asked her to do that, but she wants to because she's my sister and is souped for the wedding. Keeping the BP in line is just hilarious to me. We're grown-ups.

What is TB?

doeydo · November 2013

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah this list is mostly BS. There's a difference between things someone would do as MOH to be nice, because you're already very close to the bride, and things that are "duties" the bride is entitled to ask for. My sister is MOH and she's already excited about bach and shower. I never asked her to do that, but she wants to because she's my sister and is souped for the wedding. Keeping the BP in line is just hilarious to me. We're grown-ups.

What is TB?

I think the OP was referring to The Bump.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

Thanks!

Bubblegum5586 · November 2013

JCBride2014 said:

Yeah this list is mostly BS. There's a difference between things someone would do as MOH to be nice, because you're already very close to the bride, and things that are "duties" the bride is entitled to ask for. My sister is MOH and she's already excited about bach and shower. I never asked her to do that, but she wants to because she's my sister and is souped for the wedding. Keeping the BP in line is just hilarious to me. We're grown-ups.

What is TB?

I agree! My sister was my MOH and she did everything on that list (except "keeping the WP in line" ....?!?!?!?!) But I never asked her to do any of it, she's my sister and my best friend for life and she WANTED to do all of that and I CAN'T WAIT until I am her MOH because I know I will want to do everything I can for her

mblake525 · November 2013

This list sounds so demanding. If my MOH asked for a list, this is what I would give her:

-Show up (mostly) sober in a dress

That's about it. I can't even say "buy a dress" because I bought hers. She picked out one and I purchased it for her. She just bought a house. I didn't expect her to be able to buy one when I asked her to be my MOH. I had already worked that price into my budget. All I wanted was for her to stand beside me as my best friend. As for being mostly sober, that seems like a reasonable enough request. After pictures, she can get as drunk as she wants.

mommapizano · November 2013

Honestly that list is just crazy. There are so many people who assume their bridal party is at their beckoning call but that's just not the case, they are there with you because you want them there not to be your assistants for wedding planning.

My sister was my MOH and all I expected was her to be supportive of me and buy the dress. She did give a toast, she did help morning of and did host a bridal shower/lunch. But those were all things she offered and I was very touched she did that. My other Bridesmaid is my now sister-in-law and she offered to help me with all my crafts and went along with me to the hair trial and food tasting.

mysticl · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

In the state I got married in the only person who signs the marriage license is the officiant. Witnesses are not required.

mysticl · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

I've been to a few Catholic weddings where the MOH or BM was not Catholic and the marriage license was signed by someone who was.

As to everything else, what a stupid list. I hate these things. Why do people think that getting married means that your friends become your hired help?

The marriage license is a government issued document, religion has no bearing on who signs it.

phira · November 2013

The other thing is--how many of us know what'll be expected of us financially at the time we've been asked to be in a wedding party (or asked people to be in ours)? When a friend of mine asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, I was excited and said yes. Two of us lived out of state, two people didn't. The maid of honor, independently of the bride, decided that we immediately need to start planning the bridal shower and bachelorette party, two things that had not been mentioned to me when I accepted to be part of the bridal party. When I brought it up with the bride, basically saying that I couldn't even afford to fly down for those parties, let alone host them, she was surprised.

So while I'd love to live in an ideal world where everyone was 100% up front about expectations and nothing changed before the wedding (also, a world where I am filthy rich), we don't. Bridal party members should not have to be psychic about what's expected of them.

Tami87 · November 2013

mysticl said:

NYCBruin said:

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

I've been to a few Catholic weddings where the MOH or BM was not Catholic and the marriage license was signed by someone who was.

As to everything else, what a stupid list. I hate these things. Why do people think that getting married means that your friends become your hired help?

The marriage license is a government issued document, religion has no bearing on who signs it.

The Catholic church also keeps its own marriage records and I have heard it often suggested (although not absolutely required) that the official two witnesses for this both be Catholic. Those two witnesses tend to be the same people who sign the civil marriage license as all the paperwork is generally filled out together. Although of course you could have two different sets of people sign each document if it was really that important to you.

Civil Marriage License.

AddieCake · November 2013

Hahahaha.....mental support.

phira · November 2013

AddieL73 said:

Hahahaha.....mental support.

Right?! What does that EVEN MEAN

afterimage · November 2013

I don't get why there has to be a set of rules that everyone has to follow. I think the MOH's role in the wedding depends on the nature of your relationship. My MOH will be my best friend and somebody who has been my friend for a long time. I know that she will do a lot of these things for me, but I am not going to make her do anything she doesn't want to. For example, I am not going to require her to give a toast if she doesn't want to. I know that she will be there to support me when I need it, is looking forward to coming wedding dress shopping, and will probably throw me a bachelorette party. I imagine my other bridesmaids will help her with this if she likes. If my MOH couldn't afford to throw my bridal shower (which my mom has hinted that she will be doing anyhow) or to purchase a dress for a wedding, I would still want her to be my MOH without question because I know that she is there for me. I think love and support are what makes a friendship, not money. If my MOH wasn't somebody supportive who I enjoy spending time with, she wouldn't be my best friend in the first place. And those are only MY expectations of MY MOH. Some brides want a MOH who will do all of the things on that list, and that just might not be something their best friend is prepared to do, or maybe they don't have a "best friend" who they can rely on, so they may choose someone else as the MOH. That's fine, if thats what they want for their wedding. I don't understand why people think we all have to have the same rules to follow for what a wedding should be.

NYCBruin · November 2013

mysticl said:

NYCBruin said:

kitty8403 said:

I realize the MOH duties thing is controversial, but I find it interesting that this does not say "sign the marriage license." Every best man or MOH I can think of has signed as a witness--not bridesmaids or groomsmen.

I've been to a few Catholic weddings where the MOH or BM was not Catholic and the marriage license was signed by someone who was.

As to everything else, what a stupid list. I hate these things. Why do people think that getting married means that your friends become your hired help?

The marriage license is a government issued document, religion has no bearing on who signs it.

I understand that, but the church also has internal marriage documents that must/should be (depending on the parish) signed by Catholics. Most couples have the same people sign both because it's easier logistically.

csuave · November 2013

I agree with other posters, most of the things on the list are great if MOH offers them but are certainly not required.

All I asked my BP to do was buy a dress from DB in a short design and blue bird color (in their budgets).

Other things that are not on this list but I did need help with were: holding my bouquet during my vows; helping me get my dress bustled and helping me go to the bathroom in my dress.

I suppose helping the bride go to the bathroom shouldn't be required per se but if you chose these women because they are your nearest and dearest then maybe "duties" are called for when duty calls (sarcasm).

NYCBruin · November 2013

Musikalizzie said:

A few years ago my college friend and I had a "come to Jesus" moment because I was not the MOH she expected me to be. She wanted me to do be all the bullet points mentioned in the OP. Reality was I had a full time job and was going to school full time. I was happy my friend and her fiance were getting married, but I didn't have time for an extra non paying part time job. In the end, I had to establish boundaries, heard her expectations and came up with a reasonable agreement. Offered to step down if my boundaries didn't grove her the right way and she learned to respect my boundaries. We sincerely respect each other now because of that experience.

The word duties just rubs me the wrong way...

I agree. It makes it sound like being a bridesmaid is a job, rather than an honor.

The word also makes my inner 7 year old giggle.

MOH "duties"

Re: MOH "duties"

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

MOH "duties"

Re: MOH &quot;duties&quot;

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: MOH "duties"