Over the last year I have lost three people who were my age (I'm young, 21). One was my cousin, who died of the same immune disorder I have, one of my friends was murdered, and my best friend, the one who I once considered my future maid of honor, committed suicide. I have lost many many people in my life and have been to 7-10 funerals in the past 6 years (most of them young, like me). I have only been to one wedding in my lifetime.
I'm in a relationship with a wonderful guy who I love very much. I don't mind waiting decades if it means I can marry him. I used to dream about our wedding and all the details it would contain (Pinterest, Say Yes To The Dress, etc.), but lately I can't think about that at all. All I can think of is that I should start making plans for my own Celebration of Life. I've been researching home services, how embalming works, different methods of burial, etc., and looking at all the different things that you can contain in a memorial service. I've been thinking of writing a will to leave behind for my family, so they know exactly what to do if something happens.
I am very spiritual and am not afraid of death, only that I will leave behind the ones I love most before it's my time. I loved looking at wedding pictures before but now when I look at them I want to cry because I feel like that dream will never come true for me. A wedding and marriage seems so far away, a fantasy even, while death appears to be luring on my doorstep. I just wish I could go back to being hopeful and begin daydreaming again, instead of feeling like I should be making plans for my own demise.