On hosting kids--drawing lines?

kitty8403 · November 2013

My family is all our of state and has a lot of young children. We also have a number of guests living 100 miles or more away who have little ones.
I'd prefer no kids at all, but I don't think that's a realistic expectation, especially for traveling families. Does it make sense to invite out of town children only? (Thought being that locals will have a much simpler time finding a sitter, leaving whenever they like, etc)? Or to limit the invited children to only kids we know already or are related to?
Or is this one of those all or nothing deals? I don't mind seeing my Alaskan friend's new baby or my cousin's 2-year-old, but I'm not all that interested in bumping our adult friends for the random offspring of some family acquaintance that our parents want us to include.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

Inviting only out of town children is perfectly acceptable, because it would be easier for in town people to find a babysitter for the night. You can invite any children or no children you want as long as you don't break up families.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

I think you're safer with going with no children, since I know I would be irritated if my local child wasn't invited but an OOT was. It's one of those situations that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Whatever you do, just own the decision and don't make excuses.

Senecaf · November 2013

I personally would be offended if my children were not invited but others were. I guess I understand your reasoning but still. I feel like it should be an all or nothing.

That being said, I prefer not to take my kids. Love them to death and they are very well behaved children but I have a better time without worrying about them. A chance to be me and not mom.

Kristen625 · November 2013

My family is out of state too from where we are getting married, and I am having a No Children wedding. I am doing no children across the board. The only person I had concern over this rule, was my MOH who lives out of state and has two children. We talked about it, and frankly her and her husband are excited about a vacation without the kids. I'm also hoping that our No Children rule will keep our guest list small. I'm still making plans as of now that however many invites go out, that is how many people will show up. Who knows, maybe there are a lot more people out there who are looking for a good excuse to take some time away with their spouse!

NYCBruin · November 2013

Can someone please explain why you would be offended by someone else's child being invited?

I don't get the logic behind those statements. At all.

huskypuppy14 · November 2013

Senecaf said:

I personally would be offended if my children were not invited but others were. I guess I understand your reasoning but still. I feel like it should be an all or nothing. That being said, I prefer not to take my kids. Love them to death and they are very well behaved children but I have a better time without worrying about them. A chance to be me and not mom.

I don't mean for this to sound rude, but that is your problem, not the bride and grooms. Children are not a group that has to be all or nothing. Just because someone is under 18, doesn't mean they are not special to the bride and groom. All of my cousins on my mom's side that are under 18 are invited- I would never not invite them. However we are not inviting my cousin's children from my dad's side, or our friend's children. The only exception is the one groomsman who has children, they are invited. It depends on your relationship to the bride and groom. And it's not rude to do this.

manateehugger · November 2013

I never understand why children can't be treated like any other guest - in which case you invite in circles. Some make the cut, some do not.

I think it's fine (and very considerate) to invite only out-of-town children. We plan to invite kids in the family but no others.

phira · November 2013

I think it's easier to invite in circles and on a case-by-case basis instead of saying either, "No kids," or, "Out of town kids only." However, unless you invite everyone's kids, some people will probably get upset. Not much you can do.

It sounds like some of the children you'd be inviting are children of your parents' guests (people you wouldn't be inviting except your parents want you to). Who is paying for your wedding? If you are paying for your wedding, sit down with your partner and come up with YOUR personal guest lists, and see how many people you're left with. If you end up with a list that's long enough that you don't want to (or can't) invite more people, then you're done. If not, then you can say to each set of parents, "Hey, here's how many people you can invite." Then, if those guests have kids, don't invite those kids.

blabla89 · November 2013

Have you considered providing childcare? If there's an extra room at your venue, you could hire someone to watch all of the kids there. This was pretty standard for weddings at my church growing up. It's a nice compromise so that you don't have to have kids at your ceremony/reception if that's your preference, but you aren't leaving your OOT or local guests to come up with their own childcare.

Senecaf · November 2013

I'll explain, but remeber you asked so please don't yell at me. I'm a softie. My opinion may be unpopular but it is real and may be felt by some of your guests. But it's not about pleasing everyone and I get that.

Would you only invite the spouses of certain friends? Like family can bring husbands but coworkers can't? Children are a part of unit.

Liatris2010 · November 2013

We invited family kids and OOT town kids. We never heard complaints about it from in town guests, and quite frankly, we didn't feel obligated to invite kids of our parents coworkers whom we've never met. On the other hand, it was fun to see the kids of our far away friends, since we rarely see them and didn't expect them to travel without them.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Senecaf said:

I'll explain, but remeber you asked so please don't yell at me. I'm a softie. My opinion may be unpopular but it is real and may be felt by some of your guests. But it's not about pleasing everyone and I get that. Would you only invite the spouses of certain friends? Like family can bring husbands but coworkers can't? Children are a part of unit.

But a guest should never find themselves invited to something without their SO. It is very rude to invite only half of a couple. It's perfectly acceptable to only invite parents.

I guess I just don't understand what the huff is. If I'm good friends with you but am not close to your children, why would you expect them to get an invite just because my neighbors children who I see daily were invited?

ETA just like someone can be close to some adults but not others, it's perfectly reasonable to want some children at your wedding (those you are close to) but not others. Sharing DNA with a friend of mine isn't a good enough reason to be invited in my book.

manateehugger · November 2013

NYCBruin said: Senecaf said: I'll explain, but remeber you asked so please don't yell at me. I'm a softie. My opinion may be unpopular but it is real and may be felt by some of your guests. But it's not about pleasing everyone and I get that. Would you only invite the spouses of certain friends? Like family can bring husbands but coworkers can't? Children are a part of unit. But a guest should never find themselves invited to something without their SO. It is very rude to invite only half of a couple. It's perfectly acceptable to only invite parents.
I guess I just don't understand what the huff is. If I'm good friends with you but am not close to your children, why would you expect them to get an invite just because my neighbors children who I see daily were invited?
ETA just like someone can be close to some adults but not others, it's perfectly reasonable to want some children at your wedding (those you are close to) but not others. Sharing DNA with a friend of mine isn't a good enough reason to be invited in my book.

I never understand this mentality. I would never expect my children to be invited to a non-family wedding. I wouldn't even think twice about seeing other children, knowing mine had been excluded. I would assume they were family kids OR they were kids the couple actually knew. Because sometimes, people are close to their friend's kids and want them at their weddings, but don't want to host children they've never met. Fair enough and well within their rights as dictated by etiquette.

Do you expect your children to be invited to every social event you attend?

phira · November 2013

Social unit doesn't have to include children. This has been pretty well established and accepted on this board.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

PDKH said:

Do you expect your children to be invited to every social event you attend?

You would be shocked if you knew the number of people in this world who hold the 'if you don't want my kids there, then you don't want me there' attitude. It is truly astounding to me. I come from a family where kids aren't routinely included in events, though, so I get why they aren't necessarily a package deal. And usually the parents' with this attitude have the worst-behaved, least-watched kids there.

I even know a couple in their 60s who refuse to attend events where their (adult, self-supporting, 30-some-odd year old) son and his partner are not invited as well. They consider it a family insult to not invite everyone. God only knows how this couple still has any friends left...

NYCBruin · November 2013

RebeccaB88 said:

PDKH said:

Do you expect your children to be invited to every social event you attend?

You would be shocked if you knew the number of people in this world who hold the 'if you don't want my kids there, then you don't want me there' attitude. It is truly astounding to me. I come from a family where kids aren't routinely included in events, though, so I get why they aren't necessarily a package deal. And usually the parents' with this attitude have the worst-behaved, least-watched kids there.

I even know a couple in their 60s who refuse to attend events where their (adult, self-supporting, 30-some-odd year old) son and his partner are not invited as well. They consider it a family insult to not invite everyone. God only knows how this couple still has any friends left...

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I second every word you said. As someone who was frequently not included/invited to things as a child (parties, weddings, vacations, etc), this whole concept confuses me.

Senecaf · November 2013

RebeccaB88 said:

PDKH said:

Do you expect your children to be invited to every social event you attend?

You would be shocked if you knew the number of people in this world who hold the 'if you don't want my kids there, then you don't want me there' attitude. It is truly astounding to me. I come from a family where kids aren't routinely included in events, though, so I get why they aren't necessarily a package deal. And usually the parents' with this attitude have the worst-behaved, least-watched kids there.

I even know a couple in their 60s who refuse to attend events where their (adult, self-supporting, 30-some-odd year old) son and his partner are not invited as well. They consider it a family insult to not invite everyone. God only knows how this couple still has any friends left...

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I don't think this is me. Honestly it isn't. We do many social things without our children.
If I went to a wedding and my children were not invited I'd be fine. If other people had their children there I would also still be fine, inside though I'd be a little miffed that my kids were specifically not allowed to attened. Would I express this? No. It would in no way impact my life aside from the initial reaction seeing other kids. And to clarify, the reason this would make me feel bad is because I wouldn't understand why my kids are excluded. I know, its not business why anyone is there. I don't know that I can explain this in a way that doesn't make me sound entitled. I don't know, maybe I am.

Based on what you've read from me here you can chose to belive it or not, but I do not consider my kids perfect angels that deserve to be invited everywhere I am.

Jen4948 · November 2013

Senecaf said:

I'll explain, but remeber you asked so please don't yell at me. I'm a softie. My opinion may be unpopular but it is real and may be felt by some of your guests. But it's not about pleasing everyone and I get that. Would you only invite the spouses of certain friends? Like family can bring husbands but coworkers can't? Children are a part of unit.

Wrong. While couples are social units that have to be invited together, children do not. It is perfectly okay to invite adults only without their children. If the adults wish to accept the invitation, they must make arrangements for their children to be babysat or chaperoned-but they are not entitled to expect to bring them with them and it would be rude of them to complain to their hosts or to expect their hosts to accommodate their children as well as themselves.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

I qualified my answer by saying that no matter what OP does, someone will be pissed off at it. I think clear lines are easiest and location of residence is a stupid one, to me. Not inviting second cousins- super clear. Only nieces and nephews- perfect. Picking and choosing opens it up to people being upset. Just my opinion.

NYCBruin · November 2013

misssunshine17 said:
I qualified my answer by saying that no matter what OP does, someone will be pissed off at it. I think clear lines are easiest and location of residence is a stupid one, to me. Not inviting second cousins- super clear. Only nieces and nephews- perfect. Picking and choosing opens it up to people being upset. Just my opinion.

Out of curiosity, how would you know what the lines/circles were and thus figure out whether it was a "good" one or not? Inquiring about the guest list is rude.

ETA even if you knew the circle, it still seems like a silly thing to get upset about. Who else was or wasn't invited or why is really none of your business.

kitty8403 · November 2013

Just to clarify a couple questions:
1. We are paying for it all.
2. We have a couple "circles" in question. Children of our local acquaintances (not kids we really "know" or would miss much), and children belonging to family acquaintances (people our parents want to invite). There aren't a ton of those, but a few.

Kids who are family, whose parents are in the WP, or who we know personally, whose parents we are close to AND who must travel, we are assuming we really should include.

ETA: I have something like 10 kids or more belonging to high school friends who are out of state--we would probably invite them as a courtesy. Some we know, some we don't. This would purely be out of consideration for how far those parents have to travel.

kitty8403 · November 2013

@lalalaurita, our venue does not have a room that works for separate child care. It's pretty much one big space. We will have some things to keep kids occupied, but have been advised that for liability and logistical reasons, we really cannot give everyone a sitter. Parents will be given a heads up about what the venue is like so they can decide how they feel about it.

raw1299 · November 2013

No, you either invite all of them, or none. If your out of town family cant make babysitting arrangements- then I guess they wont come. Better for you since it'll be cheaper.

NYCBruin · November 2013

raw1299 said:
No, you either invite all of them, or none. If your out of town family cant make babysitting arrangements- then I guess they wont come. Better for you since it'll be cheaper.

Did you even read the thread? Several posters have explained that kids need not be an all or nothing thing.

CLI242009 · November 2013

My FMIL said something to me when FI and I had made the decision to do a NO KIDS wedding: She said that as a parent, when FFIL and her were invited to weddings or social events but the children were not, she felt excluded. Or that it was some kind of punishment for choosing to be parents.

The dilemma was finding someone to look after the kids. That wasn't easy for them. So to them, for those who invited them and they knew of the situation, it felt more like they sent the invite knowing they would say no.

Or this: my FMIL sees her children as an extension of FFIL and her. Yes a couple is a social unit, but she sees the children included in this social unit. To not include them in this social unit upset her a lot. It was one of the reasons they did not go to a lot of social events. (invited to social events where the hosts did and didn't know the children)

FFIL - he doesn't understand where this No Kids came from. Growing up, weddings, engagement parties, rehearsal dinners - all social events were family gatherings. Family reunions. So yes he sees it as an insult too when you say No Children.

I am on the boat of no children at my wedding. This is just me but all I see when you have a room full of children (especially my family and how they handle their children) is a room full of utter chaos. @.@

I think when inviting children, you should go by how close you are to the children. If you've never met them or don't even know them, why invite them? Maybe it's the whole different generation thing, but as a kid I never expected to go with my parents. I mean I wanted to go because I wanted to stay with my mommy and daddy - not because I wanted to go to the event.

doeydo · November 2013

If you prefer to have no kids, than don't invite any kids. That's perfectly fine.

thelastdreamer · November 2013

I know some people are in the kids are all or nothing camp, but to me that's silly. Because I invited one friend and his SO, doesn't mean I also need to invite his sister and her SO. I see the kids as the same way. You invite the parents because they are a social unit. Their children are not. You invite children if you are close to them, just like you invite adults because you are close to them.

For instance, my FI and I invited all of our little cousins to the wedding because we've watched them grow up, we love them and know they will be part of our lives always. We didn't not invite our college professors' kids because we've never met them.

tmclawchick · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

Can someone please explain why you would be offended by someone else's child being invited?

I don't get the logic behind those statements. At all.

Personally, I wouldn't attend a wedding if DS wasn't invited. Sorry. That being said, if I for some reason decided to attend without him, I'd probably be annoyed if I saw other children there: If I'm taking the time to come to your wedding, bringing you a gift, and paying for childcare (so that I can attend said wedding and bring aforementioned gift), and then I see other children there, I'd be pretty annoyed that DS wasn't invited as well.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

I think it's fine to invite the OOT kids only. Parents at the wedding can speculate all they want about why their snowflakes weren't invited while other kids are there. You're not doing anything wrong by doing this. Or you can still choose to have no kids at all (even for OOT guests). We did this and provided a couple recommendations for sitters if anyone needed one.

I appreciate those entertaining the discussion on how they'd feel if only some kids were invited, excluding theirs. Although I don't agree with the mentality, it's important to know that some people do feel this way. The reason I don't agree with the "part of the social unit" argument is because there is a line between parents/adults and kids. Some events are distinctly geared toward only adults, some for families, some for just kids (obviously they need parental supervision). Parents cannot/should not expect to take their children everywhere.

I think where most of the argument lies is in parents seeing that other children are in attendance, but theirs were not invited. No one can help it if their feelings are hurt or if they are "surprised" by this. It's really nobody's problem except the parents who are upset. I'm not saying feelings aren't important, but bottom line is that it's not against etiquette to invite no kids or certain kids.

kitty8403 · November 2013

tmclawchick said:

NYCBruin said:

Can someone please explain why you would be offended by someone else's child being invited?

I don't get the logic behind those statements. At all.

Personally, I wouldn't attend a wedding if DS wasn't invited. Sorry. That being said, if I for some reason decided to attend without him, I'd probably be annoyed if I saw other children there: If I'm taking the time to come to your wedding, bringing you a gift, and paying for childcare (so that I can attend said wedding and bring aforementioned gift), and then I see other children there, I'd be pretty annoyed that DS wasn't invited as well.

Ok, I get that, sort of. But I guess I don't see why, if you are not related to me, you would feel entitled to bring along your kids, who I don't know and who also are not related to me. To the point that *not* being allowed to do so would be upsetting or offensive for you.

In our case, we are literally dealing with dozens of children. Each child represents a seat that an adult could otherwise take. And it's a grown-up event with alcohol present, late evening activity, etc. So striking the right balance is difficult.

On hosting kids--drawing lines?

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