First, I heartily disagree with the poster who said that you're looking at BM clothing too early. That is just not right. Most salons tell you to order BM dresses 6 months out. It is a little over 7 now. That only gives you a little over a month to pick, so you're right on track.
Second, I think that you've been more than good about letting them pick from a multitude of options. As BMs, they have very few responsibilities, and one is to wear the dress you choose. Pants were not an option given, so you have the right to tell them no. Stick to your guns on this one.
Sometimes I just want to know how these things end up getting resolved! I think it's a little rude when you gave her clearly defined, very wide boundaries! I think a low cut shirt and tight pants are a little showy for a bridesmaid anyway, everyone is supposed to be looking at the bride! I hope it works out for you.
I don't see an issue with your BM wanting to wear pants in general- they make tons of nice pants now that would be appropriate for a wedding, plus there are really nice, cute tops out there that would be more than appropriate. The super low cut top thing I do agree with you on, weddings are not the time to look trampy. Hair color is COMPLETELY irrelevant. NO ONE will take the spotlight off you no matter what they wear or do!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:8cee4d21-7f71-4940-9e24-d29a61d173b5">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>: [QUOTE].. The point is that a Catholic wedding is generally a traditional wedding, you would like your bridesmaids to look like they belong in a traditional wedding party, and you have set very generous guidelines about how the can go about doing so. My personal opinion is that there are very few requirements for bridesmaids, but one of them is to wear a dress ... By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you agree to wear an outfit with those restrictions in mind. The sad thing is, there is no great way to break it to your friend, who has<strong> (quite rudely)</strong> put you in an awkward position by purchasing an outfit she knew did not fit the guidelines you had given her. You just have to call her up and explain to her that while you love her style, you are having a traditional style wedding and you need her to wear a dress or skirt that is more reflective of this. Now, if she fires back that she does not feel comfortable wearing anything except for pants, your options are either a) to allow her to do so, but pick out specific pantsuites for her to choose from that will match the formality/style of your wedding so that she understands what she will need to wear, or<strong> b) break it to her that if she does not feel that she would be comfortable in the dress code required for the bridal party, you will be honored to have her as a guest.</strong> Posted by laurenes[/QUOTE]
Absolutely amazing advice! Exactly what I would do. You haven't given your BM many restrictions & are a lot less "bridezilla" than I am.. She agreed to be a BM, unless she has never even heard of the words 'wedding,' 'BM', or 'traditional' she has no excuse to so rudely go against your FEW wishes. You need to just let her know what you really want, THIS IS <strong><em>YOUR</em></strong> wedding btw..
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:8d2d2634-c736-4e25-a185-05e532ea8101">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>: [QUOTE]"That's a great outfit, honey, but I'm not sure it's going to work for the wedding. Can you choose something a little more church-friendly?" There is nothing wrong with them choosing to wear pants, as there are plenty of great women's formalwear options that don't require a skirt. <strong><em><u>And the color of their hair is also not relevant, and most certainly not something you have a say over</u></em></strong>. But asking her to avoid very low-cut tops and skin-tight pants isn't unreasonable. Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
I see where you are coming from, but if they are having a traditional church wedding, having blue and purple hair is NOT reasonable.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:50ccaeee-aaa3-4c17-9681-337528d33ef3">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: She wants to wear pants! : I see where you are coming from, but if they are having a traditional church wedding, having blue and purple hair is NOT reasonable. Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE] If they were getting married by the Pope himself, they might have a case for asking their bridesmaids to have natural hair colors. Short of that, no, it is not and never will be reasonable for a bride to ask one of their friends to change HER BODY to suit the wedding style.
Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
I didn't read everyone post but it sounds like you picked two unconventional women to stand up with you. Don't worry about what the church or 50 year old people are going to think. No matter what, everyone is going to have opinions. More importantly everyone is going to happy that you are getting married. Who cares about the women standing up in the wedding. F it all girl and don't worry!
Re: Hair color - I love dying my hair odd and unnatural colors. However, there's a time and a place for it. It's not an indy hipster backyard wedding (both of which I'm a fan of). It's a traditional formal church wedding. There might not be official rules against it, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. If her hair was already that color when you asked her, then that's your problem and you would be out of line to ask her to change it for the wedding. However, given that it doesn't sound like it was an unnatural color until some time after you asked her, I don't see anything wrong with at least asking her if she would mind "toning it down" prior to the wedding. It's a hair color - which can be changed on a whim and is no big deal. You're not calling her old and asking her to dye her grays, or asking her to find something to do about covering her tattoos, or anything like that. Heck - have fun with it! Tell her that if she wants to dye her hair, at least go with the wedding colors ;-) She can put it back to blue as soon as the wedding is over. But she has plenty of time to cut it, dye it, do whatever she wants with it until then - so I wouldn't make a big deal out of it now. You can't dictate how she lives her life prior to the wedding.
Re: Dress/pants (and in some ways the hair too): When you're asked to be a BM there are some common sense assumptions and expectations. Assumption #1(unless otherwise discussed) is that you're probably going to be asked to wear a dress. In many cases, a hideous and maybe uncomfortable dress. If one day you realize that that doesn't work for you, then you need to discuss it with the bride before going out on your own and doing something about it. It's not your day, it's the bride's (and groom's) day. If you agreed to be in the wedding party I don't care if the bride asked you to wear a flourescent pink tutu - you talk to the bride before taking things into your own hands.
IMHO, I don't think she's out of line with the hair (yet?). I do think she's out of line for not taking your generous guidlines into account or discussing it with you first.
As most of the ladies have already said, I would just talk to her to see why she made that choice, and see how you can work together to come up with something that you're both happy and comfortable with - whatever that may be. There are some really great compromise suggestions in this thread that you can throw out there in your discussion
As far as hair color goes, I don't think the bride should dictate that. That is personal. As far as dresses go, it sounds like the BM are wearing club attire that wouldn't be appropriate for a traditional wedding. I think the OP should talk to her BMs to figure out why they chose it, given that one of the requirements was that it should be a dress. If they have a huge objection to a dress, then try to work something out.(maybe something like a dressy pantsuit, etc.). Keep in mind too what the priest will and will not go for in terms of dress code for the WP.
I get what many of the PPs are saying in regards to sexism and guidelines for women and men. I am part of a church that is relatively unconventional and pretty liberal in regards to dress code...people (including the pastors themselves) wear jeans and t-shirts to Sunday service. I'm not so sure I could attend a truly conservative church, and attire requirements are only the tip of a huge iceberg when it comes to my feelings on conservative churches.
But at the same time, I recognize that many churches are different and have different guidelines in regards to dress code. And for a wedding, I am sure the attire expectations are different than for Mass/service in many churches, including my own. I just don't see the attire issue (particularly as far as a wedding ceremony is concerned) as a hill worth dying on. Especially if we're talking about Catholicism, where women cannot even be priests, regulations regarding women's attire at a wedding should be the least of people's concerns. I would wear what is required, not because I necessarily believe in any inherent sexism, but out of respect for the beliefs of the couple getting married. So I don't think the OP is totally in the wrong here.
"That's a cute shirt for a club, but for the traditional Mass, you may make our priest break his vows!!" You can play it off in a humorous way if you are uncomfortable with flat-out calling her on her lack of consideration for the guide lines you set out for her... And a "PS-- Was there a reason you were looking at pants over a dress?" could get an answer to the pants vs dress dilema, or at least give you a better understanding of why she did it this way.
IMO, you can go two ways, here-- One, make a big deal about it, possibly cause some drama in "calling her out" on her deviation from your plan or Two-- play it off casually and forego the drama all together. You laid the ground work nicely to make this an easy fix. You asked for them to email you a photo, she did. You told them you had a right to veto their choices. Do it. This does not need to be an issue unless you make it one.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_she-wants-wear-pants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:1df10f1e-7456-4089-a9e5-176a5dfc3f64Post:20c43db3-fb26-48fb-9f90-86a79331bb61">Re: She wants to wear pants!</a>: [QUOTE]"That's a cute shirt for a club, but for the traditional Mass, you may make our priest break his vows!!" You can play it off in a humorous way if you are uncomfortable with flat-out calling her on her lack of consideration for the guide lines you set out for her... And a "PS-- Was there a reason you were looking at pants over a dress?" could get an answer to the pants vs dress dilema, or at least give you a better understanding of why she did it this way. IMO, you can go two ways, here-- One, make a big deal about it, possibly cause some drama in "calling her out" on her deviation from your plan or Two-- play it off casually and forego the drama all together. You laid the ground work nicely to make this an easy fix. You asked for them to email you a photo, she did. You told them you had a right to veto their choices. Do it. This does not need to be an issue unless you make it one. Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]
Your bridesmaid is out of line. I am not one for letting bridesmaids pick whatever they want. My girls will be wearing the same dress and the same shoes, so kudos to you for being so flexible. HOWEVER, you are totally justified in telling her that while you are glad she found an outfit she likes and has purchased, it is not appropriate for your wedding. Tell her as much as you love her, it MUST be a dress and she MUST talk to you before she purchases it (so she doesn't waste any money on a dress you don't want in your wedding).
You can't really control their hair colors. You could talk to them about re-coloring it to something more natural before the wedding, but you can't force them. With a traditional catholic wedding I understand your concerns.
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Re: She wants to wear pants!
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[QUOTE].. The point is that a Catholic wedding is generally a traditional wedding, you would like your bridesmaids to look like they belong in a traditional wedding party, and you have set very generous guidelines about how the can go about doing so. My personal opinion is that there are very few requirements for bridesmaids, but one of them is to wear a dress ... By agreeing to be a bridesmaid, you agree to wear an outfit with those restrictions in mind. The sad thing is, there is no great way to break it to your friend, who has<strong> (quite rudely)</strong> put you in an awkward position by purchasing an outfit she knew did not fit the guidelines you had given her. You just have to call her up and explain to her that while you love her style, you are having a traditional style wedding and you need her to wear a dress or skirt that is more reflective of this. Now, if she fires back that she does not feel comfortable wearing anything except for pants, your options are either a) to allow her to do so, but pick out specific pantsuites for her to choose from that will match the formality/style of your wedding so that she understands what she will need to wear, or<strong> b) break it to her that if she does not feel that she would be comfortable in the dress code required for the bridal party, you will be honored to have her as a guest.</strong>
Posted by laurenes[/QUOTE]
Absolutely amazing advice! Exactly what I would do. You haven't given your BM many restrictions & are a lot less "bridezilla" than I am.. She agreed to be a BM, unless she has never even heard of the words 'wedding,' 'BM', or 'traditional' she has no excuse to so rudely go against your FEW wishes.
You need to just let her know what you really want, THIS IS <strong><em>YOUR</em></strong> wedding btw..
[QUOTE]"That's a great outfit, honey, but I'm not sure it's going to work for the wedding. Can you choose something a little more church-friendly?" There is nothing wrong with them choosing to wear pants, as there are plenty of great women's formalwear options that don't require a skirt. <strong><em><u>And the color of their hair is also not relevant, and most certainly not something you have a say over</u></em></strong>. But asking her to avoid very low-cut tops and skin-tight pants isn't unreasonable.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
I see where you are coming from, but if they are having a traditional church wedding, having blue and purple hair is NOT reasonable.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: She wants to wear pants! : I see where you are coming from, but if they are having a traditional church wedding, having blue and purple hair is NOT reasonable.
Posted by goetzr19[/QUOTE]
If they were getting married by the Pope himself, they might have a case for asking their bridesmaids to have natural hair colors. Short of that, no, it is not and never will be reasonable for a bride to ask one of their friends to change HER BODY to suit the wedding style.
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Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
I love dying my hair odd and unnatural colors. However, there's a time and a place for it. It's not an indy hipster backyard wedding (both of which I'm a fan of). It's a traditional formal church wedding. There might not be official rules against it, but if it makes you uncomfortable, then it makes you uncomfortable. If her hair was already that color when you asked her, then that's your problem and you would be out of line to ask her to change it for the wedding. However, given that it doesn't sound like it was an unnatural color until some time after you asked her, I don't see anything wrong with at least asking her if she would mind "toning it down" prior to the wedding. It's a hair color - which can be changed on a whim and is no big deal. You're not calling her old and asking her to dye her grays, or asking her to find something to do about covering her tattoos, or anything like that. Heck - have fun with it! Tell her that if she wants to dye her hair, at least go with the wedding colors ;-) She can put it back to blue as soon as the wedding is over. But she has plenty of time to cut it, dye it, do whatever she wants with it until then - so I wouldn't make a big deal out of it now. You can't dictate how she lives her life prior to the wedding.
Re: Dress/pants (and in some ways the hair too):
When you're asked to be a BM there are some common sense assumptions and expectations. Assumption #1(unless otherwise discussed) is that you're probably going to be asked to wear a dress. In many cases, a hideous and maybe uncomfortable dress. If one day you realize that that doesn't work for you, then you need to discuss it with the bride before going out on your own and doing something about it. It's not your day, it's the bride's (and groom's) day. If you agreed to be in the wedding party I don't care if the bride asked you to wear a flourescent pink tutu - you talk to the bride before taking things into your own hands.
IMHO, I don't think she's out of line with the hair (yet?). I do think she's out of line for not taking your generous guidlines into account or discussing it with you first.
As most of the ladies have already said, I would just talk to her to see why she made that choice, and see how you can work together to come up with something that you're both happy and comfortable with - whatever that may be. There are some really great compromise suggestions in this thread that you can throw out there in your discussion
I get what many of the PPs are saying in regards to sexism and guidelines for women and men. I am part of a church that is relatively unconventional and pretty liberal in regards to dress code...people (including the pastors themselves) wear jeans and t-shirts to Sunday service. I'm not so sure I could attend a truly conservative church, and attire requirements are only the tip of a huge iceberg when it comes to my feelings on conservative churches.
But at the same time, I recognize that many churches are different and have different guidelines in regards to dress code. And for a wedding, I am sure the attire expectations are different than for Mass/service in many churches, including my own. I just don't see the attire issue (particularly as far as a wedding ceremony is concerned) as a hill worth dying on. Especially if we're talking about Catholicism, where women cannot even be priests, regulations regarding women's attire at a wedding should be the least of people's concerns. I would wear what is required, not because I necessarily believe in any inherent sexism, but out of respect for the beliefs of the couple getting married. So I don't think the OP is totally in the wrong here.
IMO, you can go two ways, here-- One, make a big deal about it, possibly cause some drama in "calling her out" on her deviation from your plan or Two-- play it off casually and forego the drama all together. You laid the ground work nicely to make this an easy fix. You asked for them to email you a photo, she did. You told them you had a right to veto their choices. Do it. This does not need to be an issue unless you make it one.
[QUOTE]"That's a cute shirt for a club, but for the traditional Mass, you may make our priest break his vows!!" You can play it off in a humorous way if you are uncomfortable with flat-out calling her on her lack of consideration for the guide lines you set out for her... And a "PS-- Was there a reason you were looking at pants over a dress?" could get an answer to the pants vs dress dilema, or at least give you a better understanding of why she did it this way. IMO, you can go two ways, here-- One, make a big deal about it, possibly cause some drama in "calling her out" on her deviation from your plan or Two-- play it off casually and forego the drama all together. You laid the ground work nicely to make this an easy fix. You asked for them to email you a photo, she did. You told them you had a right to veto their choices. Do it. This does not need to be an issue unless you make it one.
Posted by ravensbride49[/QUOTE]
<div>I like Raven's post too.</div>
You can't really control their hair colors. You could talk to them about re-coloring it to something more natural before the wedding, but you can't force them. With a traditional catholic wedding I understand your concerns.