Mom and FMIL issues

Re: Mom and FMIL issues

• SP29 member

  

  November 2013

  Pay for the wedding/ rehearsal dinner yourselves.

  
  

  Sorry, that sounds harsh, but that is the only way to have full control. Yes, FMIL *should* take you and FI into account when planning an event for you, but if she is funding the entire event, she gets the final say.

  
  

  As for the reception, I would refuse her money for the signature drinks and let your parents keep to that. You can simply say, "No thank you, my parents are covering the bar that we would like to have". And that is it. You really don't even need to give an explanation, "No thank you" is enough. She can't take it over if you don't let her. Then continue to bean dip. 

  
  

  For sure have FI talk to her about staying within her boundaries and he can bring up that both of you are not enjoying this wedding process because you feel like the wedding is turning into something bigger than you both wanted. Hopefully she'll listen and respect that, but if she doesn't, then the only other option is to pay for and plan the wedding and/or rehearsal dinner yourselves and invite her purely as a guest. 

  
  

  I would also keep your mother and FMIL apart- no need to get some serious drama starting!

  
  

  Good luck! Weddings bring out the crazy in people.

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• Senecaf member

  

  November 2013

  I have nothing to help with regarding specifics but I do suggest not saying things to your parents about what FMIL wants. If she thinks you should have signature drinks, and you disagree tell her and drop it. Don't go tell your parents that she thinks their way is not classy. That is sure to offened.
  
  It is not likely there will be very many events in your lives where your families will have to come together and spend significant amounts of time together. Birth of a child and partues and whatever are short and they can be civil. This is much different. All parties are very emotionally vested in this event.
  
  Allow them to be unaware of their differing opinions in order to avoid the fued that is coming. It will be over before long.

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• phira member

  

  November 2013

  WedMe14 said:

  Ever since we have been engaged the plan for things is that my parents would pay for the wedding and reception and his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and our honeymoon.  

  
  

  Since my FMIL has been planning the rehearsal dinner it has been getting WAY out of hand.  I have opted to not say too much about it since she is paying for it.  I was ok with the fact that she didn't want to use our wedding colors, have a theme, have cake, invite over 50 people, and hire a saxophonist to serenade people.…my fiancé and I have been able to talk her out of favors but, trying to talk to her about any of this isn't working.…nothing we can say to her is working. These things are not things you see at rehearsal dinners where we are getting married.  Both my fiancé and I feel like this rehearsal dinner is taking away from the focus of the day….the focus of why we are really there.

  
  

  I was learning to be ok with all of this up until this past Sunday when her "ideas" started to invade the reception…what my parents are paying for.  Sunday while gathering addresses for our save the dates she mentioned that she thought we needed to have free "signature drinks at the reception in addition to the free beer and wine that my parents are paying for.  She said that they would pay for it.  Here's the kicker….she said this will make the reception classy.  WHAT THE HECK?  How is what we (my parents have let my FI and I have a HUGE say in what is happening at the ceremony and reception) are doing at the reception not classy? Sure, not all of our centerpieces match….but that is the trend.  

  
  

  So now my mother has said that if they (the future inlaws) want to pay for the signature drinks, then they can pay for the whole bar tab (beer and wine).  My FI and I can see this starting a "war" between the two families….not what we want.  If my FI talking to his mom doesn't work, then my mother has said that if they have dinner together to discuss this, it isn't the only thing that she'll bring up.  She'll bring up the rehearsal dinner and how the focus isn't on my fiancé and I.

  
  

  The whole point of this post is that planning this wedding isn't fun anymore.  My FI and I aren't having fun at all because of ALL of this.  Do you guys have suggestions on how we can start having fun again?

  Your problem isn't that wedding planning isn't fun. It's that you and your fiance have to figure out what you want to do, set the boundary, and maintain it.

  
  

  If you are not paying for the wedding yourself, then you need to accept that whoever is paying ultimately gets to make the decisions. So yeah, it's pretty rude of your future in-laws to insist that you have a special cocktail when they are not paying for the reception. Offering to pay for it doesn't solve the problem because the problem isn't, "We want a special signature cocktail and can't afford it!" It's, "You are not hosting this event, so we'll take your suggestion under advisement."

  
  

  So, when dealing with this part of the situation, your fiance needs to tell his parents, ""WedMe14's parents are hosting the reception. It's not simply a matter of you paying for the parts of the reception you'd like us to have; you're not hosting the event. If WedMe14 and I need help with any ideas, we will ask." And then both of you just DON'T ask for their advice, and kindly change the subject when they try to cross the boundary.

  
  

  As for the rehearsal dinner, if you don't like what they're planning, then tell them, "We've decided to host the rehearsal dinner ourselves. Thank you again for your lovely gesture, and we're sorry that it took us so long to come to this decision." I don't care if you think that their rehearsal dinner is inappropriate--you are not hosting it, and so you cannot control it.

  
  

  It is also none of your parents' business how your future in-laws are planning/hosting the rehearsal dinner. Think about it: you and your parents are uncomfortable and offended with your future in-laws trying to change the reception. Hell, your parents are so upset that your future in-laws offered to pay for a signature cocktail that they're passive-aggressively suggesting that your in-laws pay for the whole bar themselves. And yet your parents would then get all up in your in-laws' bidness to tell them how to host the rehearsal dinner?

  
  

  tl;dr: You and your fiance need to calmly and neutrally tell your in-laws that your parents are hosting the reception, and that's the end of that story. If you don't like the rehearsal dinner that your in-laws are planning, then decline it and host it yourselves. The goal isn't for wedding planning to be "fun." It's to get it done right.

  

  now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  November 2013

  I answered you on Chit Chat. If you're going to cross-post, put XP in the title so we know you're posting to multiple boards.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• misssunshine17 member

  

  November 2013

  Your FI needs to shut.it.down. Now. A simple, "No, mom, we're only having beer and wine." will suffice. If he can't stand up to his mother, this is a major problem. 

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• cidefi member

  

  November 2013

  Good luck with this entire situation. I could never ever give people that much control. But you have, so you kinda gotta deal with it.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  Your FI needs to tell his mother, "Mom, since you're paying for the rehearsal dinner, you get to control that.  But since FI's parents are paying for the reception, they get to decide what drinks are served and make all other decisions regarding the reception."
  

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• photokitty mod

  

  November 2013

  out of curiosity, just because you said that they said it would make it classy - you are Only having a limited bar with beer and wine correct? Not a cash bar for liquor on top of that? Because if you are having a cash bar for liquor then the inlaws are correct it would make it a classier to have the signature drink provided. As cash bars for any drinks are tacky GL!

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• aurorajanette member

  

  November 2013

  I agree with PP's that if you want things to be your way, unfortunately the only way to do that is to pay for things yourselves.  To reduce drama, don't discuss wedding plans with your FMIL, and don't discuss rehearsal dinner plans with your parents.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  November 2013

  It sounds like you and your FI have not set boundaries with your FMIL. You've let her do whatever she wants (for the most part) for the RD and it sounds like she sees that as a green light to throw her two cents into the wedding. 

  
  

  You and your FI need to decide what you're ok with and then your FI needs to communicate that to your FMIL. It's not a discussion, it's telling her how it's going to be (sorry if that sounds harsh): "Mom - you hosting the RD is great. Thank you. As for the wedding, WedMe14's parents are paying for it and we've already decided what we want. We won't be adding a signature drink because we like the idea of only serving beer and wine. Thanks for offering to pay for it, but we don't want to do that, so you can keep your money." Period. End of discussion. 

  
  

  You never have to accept people's offers to pay for anything. Decline.

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• Inkdancer member

  

  November 2013

  You and your FI need to set some boundaries ASAP. You can't control what she pays for with her own money, but you can definitely choose not to tell her about anything reception-related.
  
  You're gonna need a lot of bean dip.
  

  

  

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• kellh615 member

  

  November 2013

  Ugh why is it so hard for the parents to see this is YOUR DAY... you and your FI should get the say. If the parents want to contribute then it should be as a gift! Not as a way to gain control!! Find a way to drop the line "That is a good idea but we don't feel as though it fits us and our wedding style" or you can just go hard and say "You had your chance to plan your wedding, this is our wedding!"\
  
  SMH PARENTS!!
  

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• aurorajanette member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  kellh615 said:

  Ugh why is it so hard for the parents to see this is YOUR DAY... you and your FI should get the say. If the parents want to contribute then it should be as a gift! Not as a way to gain control!! Find a way to drop the line "That is a good idea but we don't feel as though it fits us and our wedding style" or you can just go hard and say "You had your chance to plan your wedding, this is our wedding!"\
  
  SMH PARENTS!!
  

  Seriously?

  
  

  Have you never heard the saying, "those who pay get the say"?

  
  

  The "It's MY Day" attitude doesn't go over well here. It stopped being your day as soon as mommy and daddy handed over that check, and as soon as you invited anyone outside of yourself and your FI.

  
  

  ETA: consider yourself lucky that your parents can afford to put ANY money into your wedding. That's extremely generous of them, and in no way do they owe that to you. If people give money, they do get a say into what their money is spent on.

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• ei34 member

  

  November 2013

  "She who pays has the say".  <- because of this, your FMIL can throw whatever kind of rehearsal dinner she wants.  And because your parents are hosting the wedding, they have the right to refuse FMIL's ideas.  You and or your fiance could just remind your FMIL who's paying for what, and along with that comes calling the shots.
  
  Hubby and I paid for our own wedding...we actually also hosted our own rehearsal dinner (super-casual pizza and wine at our place for our immediate families and BP).  We took some ideas from our parents and respected their wishes for the most part, but as adults, we paid for and hosted our wedding ourselves.  Good luck dealing with everything!
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  November 2013

  Your fiance needs to tell his parents that the two of you are not interested in signature drinks at the reception and that the reception is handled. Change the subject and do not discuss it any more.

  
  

  
  

  @kellh615   Just....no. That attitude is quite childish. 

  
  

   

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• ktjanesmom member

  

  November 2013

  @addieL73 I disagree with you that kell615's attitude is childish.  Personally I contributed to my daughters wedding but certainly did it as a gift!  It was her wedding and I gave with NO strings attached as I believe all parents should do.  "He who pays, gets a say"?  That sounds childish to me!

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• PolarBearFitz member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  kellh615 said:

  Ugh why is it so hard for the parents to see this is YOUR DAY... you and your FI should get the say. If the parents want to contribute then it should be as a gift! Not as a way to gain control!! Find a way to drop the line "That is a good idea but we don't feel as though it fits us and our wedding style" or you can just go hard and say "You had your chance to plan your wedding, this is our wedding!"\
  
  SMH PARENTS!!
  

  Don't special snowflake it up by starting the it's 'YOUR DAY' attitude. The last bolded line is horribly rude and should never be said. ::::sigh::::
  
  @ktjanesmom That 'it's your day' attitude is 100% childish/damaging/inappropriate. You may have given the money as a gift but that's not the general etiquette rules for this.
  
  Those who are paying for the event are technically the hosts and they have a say in how they are hosting. Parents who pay have full say in the event and if they choose not to have a say that's their prerogative. The bride/groom don't just go off demanding everything or acting as if no one has helped or contributed.
  
  NOTE: You also don't get to disrespect those who are paying for the event by trying to class it up with your own touches. Such as the case with the signature drinks.
  
  

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• AddieCake member

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  ktjanesmom said:

  @addieL73 I disagree with you that kell615's attitude is childish.  Personally I contributed to my daughters wedding but certainly did it as a gift!  It was her wedding and I gave with NO strings attached as I believe all parents should do.  "He who pays, gets a say"?  That sounds childish to me!

  My father paid for my wedding and it was a gift as well with no strings attached. I'm not saying that gifting someone a wedding isn't a kick ass thing to do. I'm saying to EXPECT one's parents to do so is a foot-stomping, childish, Veruca Salt attitude. 

  
  

  ETA: My father had one request at the wedding, and it was food related. If I had said to him, "You had your chance to plan your wedding; this is our wedding!" as Kell suggested, he would have replied. "You're right. I did. I also paid for my own wedding, so good luck with that."  That conversation would never have happened b/c I respect my father too much. 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• aurorajanette member

  

  November 2013

  Every time I hear someone say "It's MY day", not only do I picture a little child throwing a temper tantrum and stomping their feet, it also make me want to throw up in disgust.

  
  

  Grow up. You're not a child. Not everything goes your way in life, especially if you are involving other people in paying for your fairy tale princess day. As Addie said, it's wonderful if a parent wants to gift a wedding with no strings, but it is not a requirement. Some of us have parents who can't afford to pay any parts of our weddings, and we would never ask them to. The "it's my day, I get everything I want" attitude is entitled and asinine. If you act this way in the other aspects of your life, I truly do feel sorry for those around you.

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  November 2013

  ktjanesmom said:

  @addieL73 I disagree with you that kell615's attitude is childish.  Personally I contributed to my daughters wedding but certainly did it as a gift!  It was her wedding and I gave with NO strings attached as I believe all parents should do.  "He who pays, gets a say"?  That sounds childish to me!

  I see where you're coming from. My parents did like you did and gave DH and I a no-strings-attached gift. Their message was, "If you choose to use this money toward a big wedding, fine. If you choose to use it toward a home purchase, fine. If you want to tour the world, fine. This is your wedding gift so do what you want with it." It was awesome. We were grateful.

  
  

  However, that's only one type of parental contribution. Some parental contributions aren't like that - they are assisting in paying for the event. In other words, some parents don't see it as a "gift", they see it as assisting the kid in paying for something that the kid is otherwise responsible for. It sounds like OP's situation is like this - not a no-strings-attached gift. And if the parents are assisting in paying for it, they want input into the purchase. If this is the type of financial contribution, of course they get a say. I don't think there's anything wrong with this. It's just a different way of doing things. If the kid doesn't like it, they are more than able to say "thanks, but no thanks" and fund the wedding themselves. 

  
  

  It would be like if someone's parents were purchasing a car for their child. In one scenario, they give the kid a gift of $20,000 and say, "this money is for a car - do what you want with it." Great, no strings attached and the kid can do whatever. In another scenario, the parents decide to be involved in buying a car for the kid. They decide that their money would be best spent buying car A, B or C. But the child wanted car X, Y or Z. It would be extremely entitled and childish to think that the kid should say "It's MY car and I should get whatever I want with your money." Which is more or less what kell615's advice is and why I agree with Addie that it's a childish reaction to someone bankrolling something like a wedding. Really, the mature kid would say "well, thanks for the offer to buy me a car, but I wanted something else so I'll pay for it" or "thanks for the offer to buy me this car, I'll take it." 
  

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• lovesclimbing member

  

  November 2013

  kellh615 said:

  Ugh why is it so hard for the parents to see this is YOUR DAY... you and your FI should get the say. If the parents want to contribute then it should be as a gift! Not as a way to gain control!! Find a way to drop the line "That is a good idea but we don't feel as though it fits us and our wedding style" or you can just go hard and say "You had your chance to plan your wedding, this is our wedding!"\
  
  SMH PARENTS!!
  

  It would be great if all parents saw it was a gift, but not all do.  Some see it as they are hosting the wedding so they make the decisions with their money.

  
  

  I was lucky, my parents paid for most of the wedding and my mom did a lot of the planning but told me about everything and I could veto what I want.  She thought balloons would be nice, I said no and that was that.  There only thing they really wanted was a couple that they friends with but I absolutely can't stand (used to know them fairly well, they came to our church) invited.  They lived in the town the wedding was in so I knew they'd come.  And we invited them.  Now, I have the most hilarious picture of me with them in the receiving line.  They lady is talking to me and I have a very prim smile on my face.  It's a nice smile, but I can tell it's my fake smile.

  
  

  Anyway, saying this is my wedding, you had your chance is a great way to get the money taken away.  Your parents are being extremely generous, even if they have strings attached.

  
  

  And if you want everything your way, decline their money and pay for it yourself.

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• WedMe14 member

  

  December 2013

  @Scribe95, yes we are. :-) Thanks for all of the advice guys. I should have been clear and said that my FI and I in no way shape or form have asked for anyone to pay for anything, and we are VERY appreciative for everything that the people are paying for. I guess I feel like her "classy" comment was a complete slap in the face as I feel what my parents are doing for the reception is classy for the type of people my FI and I are. I also understand that while it may be proper etiquette that guests not pay for their drinks. However, I have never been to a wedding in the area/state we are getting married in where you have NOT had to pay for mixed drinks.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  December 2013

  So you are having a partial cash bar? Don't make anyone pay for anything. Just don't have the liquor at all, have only beer and wine.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• WedMe14 member

  

  December 2013

  @laurynm84, no.  We are not having a partial cash bar.  The beer and wine will be free, if my FIL's want to have the signature drinks then they will be/have been asked by my parents to pay for the liquor.  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  December 2013

  @wedme14 sorry if I misunderstood. You said you have never been to a wedding where you didn't have to pay for mixed drinks, so I thought you meant that you would also be having people pay for the liquor, while having beer and wine hosted (I personally don't mind this too much, but still against etiquette). 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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