On hosting kids--drawing lines?

arrippa · November 2013

I am only inviting the children of my OOT guests (who are all family or bridal party members). If it means that someone local won't come because I didn't invite their child, then "I am sorry and I will miss you" but I will not have someone give me an ultimatum about that. Life isn't fair and as adults, you should know that.

tmclawchick · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

NYCBruin said:

Can someone please explain why you would be offended by someone else's child being invited?

I don't get the logic behind those statements. At all.
Personally, I wouldn't attend a wedding if DS wasn't invited. Sorry. That being said, if I for some reason decided to attend without him, I'd probably be annoyed if I saw other children there: If I'm taking the time to come to your wedding, bringing you a gift, and paying for childcare (so that I can attend said wedding and bring aforementioned gift), and then I see other children there, I'd be pretty annoyed that DS wasn't invited as well.
Ok, I get that, sort of. But I guess I don't see why, if you are not related to me, you would feel entitled to bring along your kids, who I don't know and who also are not related to me. To the point that *not* being allowed to do so would be upsetting or offensive for you. In our case, we are literally dealing with dozens of children. Each child represents a seat that an adult could otherwise take. And it's a grown-up event with alcohol present, late evening activity, etc. So striking the right balance is difficult.

As the host of a party, you're free to invite whomever you choose, and as a guest I would have no place in dictating your invite list. That being said, my original point about not attending if DS wasn't invited still stands. Would I be annoyed/disappointed? Likely. Offended? No, not at all. I know that it's your day, and if you don't want kids there, it isn't my place to do anything about it. I'll send a gift and move on.

kitty8403 · November 2013

Yeah, see the problem I'm running into is that I want/am ok with *some* kids there, but not every kid that belongs to every parent on the guest list. We have a LOT of little ones in the mix (about 40-50). This seems to be a divisive point.

RebeccaB88 · November 2013

Senecaf said:

PDKH said:

Do you expect your children to be invited to every social event you attend?

You would be shocked if you knew the number of people in this world who hold the 'if you don't want my kids there, then you don't want me there' attitude. It is truly astounding to me. I come from a family where kids aren't routinely included in events, though, so I get why they aren't necessarily a package deal. And usually the parents' with this attitude have the worst-behaved, least-watched kids there.

I even know a couple in their 60s who refuse to attend events where their (adult, self-supporting, 30-some-odd year old) son and his partner are not invited as well. They consider it a family insult to not invite everyone. God only knows how this couple still has any friends left...

----------- I don't think this is me. Honestly it isn't. We do many social things without our children. If I went to a wedding and my children were not invited I'd be fine. If other people had their children there I would also still be fine, inside though I'd be a little miffed that my kids were specifically not allowed to attened. Would I express this? No. It would in no way impact my life aside from the initial reaction seeing other kids. And to clarify, the reason this would make me feel bad is because I wouldn't understand why my kids are excluded. I know, its not business why anyone is there. I don't know that I can explain this in a way that doesn't make me sound entitled. I don't know, maybe I am. Based on what you've read from me here you can chose to belive it or not, but I do not consider my kids perfect angels that deserve to be invited everywhere I am.

*****ETA to fix wonky quote boxes

*****Oh, no. Definitely not referring to you specifically. I don't know you well enough to know. It was a general statement, just referencing the question.

rhiannon383 · November 2013

OP, I'm having a similar problem and had also thought of just inviting OOT kids (and our direct nieces, of which there are only 3). I always thought my family was huge, but FI has 30 first cousins on just one side, many of whom have young kids. That would be wayyyy too many kids IMO, plus he's not close to them (the kids, anyway). I am closer to some of my cousin's kids so was trying to decide where to draw the line as well. Toughest part of planning, I think!

kgd7357 · November 2013

I think circles is the easiest way to do it. We are doing only kids of our parents siblings and first cousins. Very helpful b/c it cuts out all really little kids (toddlers and babies). If a another guest asks why other kids are there it's a simple answer that it is only kids of close relatives. OOT vs in town is a little harder.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

kitty8403 said:

Yeah, see the problem I'm running into is that I want/am ok with *some* kids there, but not every kid that belongs to every parent on the guest list. We have a LOT of little ones in the mix (about 40-50). This seems to be a divisive point.

You don't need to invite every child. As long as you aren't breaking up families by inviting some siblings but not others, you can choose what children you wish to invite.

NYCBruin · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

kitty8403 said:

Yeah, see the problem I'm running into is that I want/am ok with *some* kids there, but not every kid that belongs to every parent on the guest list. We have a LOT of little ones in the mix (about 40-50). This seems to be a divisive point.

You don't need to invite every child. As long as you aren't breaking up families by inviting some siblings but not others, you can choose what children you wish to invite.

I *think* her worry is that some posters have said that they would be upset if their children weren't invited but others were.

I would like to point out that most of the people who would be upset about their snowflakes not making the cut are the same ones that would be at least somewhat miffed if no kids were invited. Since this group of people is going to be upset regardless (unless you include all children), why not invite the children you actually want there.

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kitty8403 said:

Yeah, see the problem I'm running into is that I want/am ok with *some* kids there, but not every kid that belongs to every parent on the guest list. We have a LOT of little ones in the mix (about 40-50). This seems to be a divisive point.

You don't need to invite every child. As long as you aren't breaking up families by inviting some siblings but not others, you can choose what children you wish to invite.

I *think* her worry is that some posters have said that they would be upset if their children weren't invited but others were.

I would like to point out that most of the people who would be upset about their snowflakes not making the cut are the same ones that would be at least somewhat miffed if no kids were invited. Since this group of people is going to be upset regardless (unless you include all children), why not invite the children you actually want there.

@kitty8403 Invite only the kids you actually want to attend your wedding, and try not to worry about what other people are going to think. If people get bent out of shape because their kids were not invited, then I hope they have the good sense and decency to never let those feelings be known to you and your FI.

Someone is going to get bent out of shape over something about your wedding, it happens. But as long as you attempt to follow general etiquette, you aren't actually doing anything rude and your guests feelings and issues are on them.

StephJean83 · November 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

NYCBruin said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

kitty8403 said:

Yeah, see the problem I'm running into is that I want/am ok with *some* kids there, but not every kid that belongs to every parent on the guest list. We have a LOT of little ones in the mix (about 40-50). This seems to be a divisive point.

You don't need to invite every child. As long as you aren't breaking up families by inviting some siblings but not others, you can choose what children you wish to invite.

I *think* her worry is that some posters have said that they would be upset if their children weren't invited but others were.

I would like to point out that most of the people who would be upset about their snowflakes not making the cut are the same ones that would be at least somewhat miffed if no kids were invited. Since this group of people is going to be upset regardless (unless you include all children), why not invite the children you actually want there.

@kitty8403 Invite only the kids you actually want to attend your wedding, and try not to worry about what other people are going to think. If people get bent out of shape because their kids were not invited, then I hope they have the good sense and decency to never let those feelings be known to you and your FI.

Someone is going to get bent out of shape over something about your wedding, it happens. But as long as you attempt to follow general etiquette, you aren't actually doing anything rude and your guests feelings and issues are on them.

This. There are many times my sis asks me, her ILs, or even her DH's cousin to watch my niece when she is invited to an event, be it a wedding, engagement party, birthday party or whatever that her DD was or wasn't invited to. She wouldn't get bent out of shape if she saw other kids at a wedding that just her and DH were invited to and not DD.

In writing up our guest list, adding kids lot related or who isn't our RB, our guest list would be almost another 100 people! Since our wedding is OTT for every single guest, including OTT kids would make it impossible to properly host and probably even have to change venues. I honestly can say that I don't know half of FH's guest list, as there are some family and friends of his I haven't meet yet, adding 100 kids of those friends seems crazy to me.

Pandemonia · November 2013

You are always going to offend someone with any sort of restriction on kids. But it occurs to me that if you are going to invite children then the principle of circles makes the most sense. That way you get the kids that you'd reasonably expect to invite. Going the OOT route might be a consistent idea in principle but in practice, it produces a very random effect and leaves out precisely those kids that you might want at your wedding.

Consistency seems to be the key here as is the need to make a decision and stick to it. Only the only people I've ever known who might have had genuine cause to be pissed off are those that discover a whole different set of rules apply on the day. Or when weird cut-off points have been applied after invitations have gone out.

Like the child I knew who was 2 months away from her 6th birthday and who was, some way along in the invitation process, suddenly left out of a close family member's wedding- as well as being demoted from her previous role in the wedding party - because they'd decided that they'd only invite children over 6. The child's 7 and 8 year old siblings were invited. When the parents attended the wedding, they discovered that this rule had been abandoned quite arbitrarily and several under 6's were there. Apparently because their parents had kicked up a fuss, unlike the parents of the nearly 6 year old who had been rather more dignified despite feeling very hurt.

melisansserif · November 2013

FWIW I erred on the side of caution and invited all kids, and in almost every case (except for extended family members) guests were surprised their kids were invited and opted not to bring them anyway.

Shia · November 2013

My Fiance and I are inviting only 8 kids. Which are my 2 brothers, 2 nephews, 1 niece, 1 cousin and 2 OOT kids. We kept it simple.

CaraMia886 · December 2013

I'm going to throw my two cents in.

I am a teacher of small children. I find that many weddings are totally acceptable for children to attend while others are not conducive. Is your wedding a formal, evening event? Is it a daytime casual event? I try to think of the type of party I am having when I choose to have children there. I have witnessed small children knocking over candles and starting fires at formal adult events. I witnessed, one time, a child run up and take a handful of cake out of the wedding cake. I have witnessed children leaving the event and going into another event if a venue hosts multiple events. One would certainly hope that people would keep track of their kids, but many do not. If this is a family-oriented daytime type event that will include the kids, I would say include them.

I chose not to invite children. My reception began at 6:30 and was not going to be over until midnight. I was going to have open flame on the tables, and an adult-oriented party. There would not have been entertainment for children. I expect children to behave themselves in an age-appropriate way, and that would not have been appropriate for that type of party.

As far as the who to invite based on distance, my DH and I are considering having a child. When we have one, we will have responsibilities, including caring for our child, providing nourishment, and attending to their physical needs. If we are invited to an out-of-town wedding, it is our job to secure a babysitter and go, or otherwise not attend. We may have to turn down some OOT weddings. We would not hold it against anyone inviting us. If we choose to have a child, we choose the responsibility that comes with that decision.

ceceibson · December 2013

My DH and I invited children of all our adult guests to our wedding. Our reasons were (1) we have 11 of our own, so are obviously "kid" people; (2) our social circle consists mainly of families. We're friends with the parents, our kids are friends with their kids; (3) our children had friends they want to invite and all were children of adults we wanted to invite.

I set a total number (200) of guests I could afford to properly host and took it from there.

My niece, on the other hand, got married last spring in Florida [a destination wedding for all but a handful of guests]. She spread, by word of mouth, early on that this would be an adult-only event. I appreciated as it allowed me to know early on how many plane tickets I needed [and I got a great deal by buying them about 6 months in advance].

I wasn't offended in the least that our children weren't invited. The only child there was the flower girl [a great niece] and, frankly, by halfway through the reception, the adults had grown somewhat weary of her, I'm afraid [well, more of the parents' refusal to corral her].

On hosting kids--drawing lines?

Re: On hosting kids--drawing lines?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards