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lissag1285 · December 2013

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MyNameIsNot · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

Hello, I have been very clear from the beginning that I do not want this girl to be a part of my fiance life. But she got invited to the bachelor party and I am so mad. Only one girl in the group of 20 guys. Can you say attention whore? I don't know what to do. My fiance wants her there. He will not back down. Should I tell the girl I don't want her there or some thing else? Please help. I have no idea what to do.

Why are you upset with her for being friends with a group of guys and calling her names? She's not doing anything wrong.

This is not a problem between you and this girl, or this girl and the group of friends. The problem is that you are jealous that your FI has this female friend, and he is not willing to back down to your ultimatum that he cut ties with her. Do you have a legitimate reason for not wanting him to be friends with her? Romantic or sexual history? (I'm guessing no, because that would have been relevant and included in your OP.)

If there is a legitimate reason for your demand, you need to have a serious conversation with your FI about why he is unwilling to honor a reasonable request. If there is no specific reason, you are being jealous and irrational, and you need to get over it. Part of marriage is realizing that you don't get to pick your spouse's friends.

The one thing you should not do is confront her. Everyone hates the obnoxious wife/girlfriend that interferes in the husband's friendships.

jenfromjersey · December 2013

My now husband had a girl stand on his side. She went to both the bachelor AND bachelorette party. He had also invited another girl because "she is like one of the guys." I had no issues with it at all...

lissag1285 · December 2013

They dated before we met. I am just having serious doubts on our relationship right now because it seriously hurts my feelings that he doesn't understand me

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

lissag1285 said:
Hello,
I have been very clear from the beginning that I do not want this girl to be a part of my fiances life. But she got invited to the bachelor party and I am so mad. Only one girl in the group of 20 guys. Can you say attention whore? I don't know what to do. My fiance wants her there. He will not back down. Should I tell the girl I don't want her there or some thing else? Please help. I have no idea what to do.

lissag1285 said:
They dated before we met. I am just having serious doubts on our relationship right now because it seriously hurts my feelings that he doesn't understand me

1. You have FI issues.
2. You have trust issues.
3. Postpone the wedding and see a therapist. You are in no way ready to get married.

bethsmiles · December 2013

I agree with @HisGirlFriday13 . You need to put this wedding on hold and figure your trust and communication issues with your FI. I think both you and your FI are in the wrong here. He should not completely disregard your feelings but on the other hand you clearly have trust issues. These are things that need to be worked out BEFORE you get married.

This situation should be a big red flag to both of you.

Weesh · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

They dated before we met. I am just having serious doubts on our relationship right now because it seriously hurts my feelings that he doesn't understand me

He understands you. He simply doesn't respect how you feel.

If it's a girl he's dated, you're having doubts and hurt feelings, and he's insisting that he wants her there (the only woman there)--you need to seriously re-think your decision to get married.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

They dated before we met. I am just having serious doubts on our relationship right now because it seriously hurts my feelings that he doesn't understand me

This would bother me too. There's no blanket yes/no here, but if their behavior is enough to make you question your entire relationship, then you need to stop planning a wedding and see a therapist. Yes, you have trust issues, but sometimes your gut instinct tells you that you are right to question things. You might need help figuring out if your guts are telling you something you need to know. Personally, if they were in a relationship before, I would have a problem with it. And, I will speak up when I feel like my concerns are being disrespected. Some types of friendships, that would be ok, others they wouldn't. It's a case-by-case thing. My oldest, dearest guy friend (since kindergarten) is someone I'd invite to my bachelorette (he'd rather have his chest hair waxed than go, lol) because he's like a brother to me, and we just can't see each other as anything else. No other guy in my life would have that privilege, though. I could see it being the same in reverse.

My ex-FI had an old girl-space-friend from high school that had obvious designs on him, to the point where she told mutual friends that she was going to 'take him away from me' and divorce her husband for him. Ex-FI either didn't believe her, didn't take her seriously, or was just an idiot about it (most likely), because he was totally blindsided when she made her move and threw herself at him, trashing me in the process. It ended their friendship. Of course, she's more than welcome to the lying, cheating, narcissistic SOB now, more power to her, but that's another subject.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

I can only agree 100% with the PP's. I know you are hurting badly and I am sorry for that.

jenajjthr · December 2013

My ex insisted on keeping certain women in his life. Granted these were women he cheated on me with, not saying yours is. I would get upset with the women because I couldn't face the reality of what my ex was doing. You need to have a serious talk with your FI about the issue of him not respecting your feelings, leave the girl out of it. You need to talk with a therapist about trust issues, especially unfounded trust issues... you don't mention how far back they dated, if they were sexual partners, etc. Like PP's have said, delay the marriage until you get counseling... couples or single.

lissag1285 · December 2013

The date is 40 days from now. I'm freaking out. Maybe a therapist is the best way to go

CallaLily25 · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

They dated before we met. I am just having serious doubts on our relationship right now because it seriously hurts my feelings that he doesn't understand me

Depending on the situation, I would also be uncomfortable with an ex girlfriend being invited. If you have legitimate reasons why you don't want her to be part of his life, you really need to have a serious conversation with your FI and explain your feelings. If he completely disregards your feelings like you are saying he does, I would say it's time to reevaluate this future marriage.

thejucheidea · December 2013

Here's my husband's side of the wedding party:

The vast, VAST majority of his friends are female. If he had had a bachelor party (he didn't end up wanting one, and I just went to smoke hookah with three friends), he would have been with all women. He's even slept with one of those ladies. Am I threatened by this? Hell no. He's my husband and I trust him to have female friends just like he trusts me to have male friends. I really don't understand people not being willing to just let their SOs have whatever friends they want to have.

fungrl97 · December 2013

While there is no blanket answer in this situation and I second PPs advice to get advice from a family or marriage counselor before moving forward. I will say that just them dating in the past may not be a good enough reason to be jealous if nothing else was involved. The trust issues likely go beyond that.

My FI will have 4 girls standing up on his side at the wedding - 2 of whom he dated, 1 of whom he had a serious relationship with for 2 years (granted it was nearly 10 years ago). They are the ones who are planning his bachelor party and the one whom he had a serious relationship with will be attending both the bachelor party and my bachelorette party. I don't always love that his best friend is a woman with whom he has had a serious relationship, but I've never had to question their relationship because while my FI would not give up being friends with her (I never asked, but even if I did, that would never fly) he has given me absolutely no reason to believe him to be untrustworthy.

Ask yourself if your FI has behaved in a way that makes you believe him to be untrustworthy. If the answer is yes, figure out what it is and discuss that - not just that there will be a girl at the bachelor party.

Weesh · December 2013

thejucheidea said:

Here's my husband's side of the wedding party:

The vast, VAST majority of his friends are female. If he had had a bachelor party (he didn't end up wanting one, and I just went to smoke hookah with three friends), he would have been with all women. He's even slept with one of those ladies. Am I threatened by this? Hell no. He's my husband and I trust him to have female friends just like he trusts me to have male friends. I really don't understand people not being willing to just let their SOs have whatever friends they want to have.

And that works for you and your husband. I agree that people should have whatever friends they want to have, but if she's feeling uncomfortable and she's expressed that to her fiance, he should talk to her about it vs. dismissing her feelings. You're comfortable and your husband is comfortable with your dynamic. The OP is not comfortable--a conversation might help, but it seems like there are deeper issues and feelings.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

lissag1285 yourself; that is not your place. However, you and your fiance need to discuss this. Other posters are correct, this needs to be straightened out before you get married, because if you can't trust your FI, don't get married. He should respect your feelings, and you his. If you won't listen to each other, than you have no business getting married.

I had a boyfriend about 10 years ago that I thought I was going to marry. He was up to shady stuff, and my gut instinct was correct. I think about it all the time, that if I married him, we would be divorced by now. So if you need to postpone or cancel the wedding, do that. It will be easier than getting divorced.

thejucheidea · December 2013

Weesh said:

thejucheidea said:

Here's my husband's side of the wedding party:

The vast, VAST majority of his friends are female. If he had had a bachelor party (he didn't end up wanting one, and I just went to smoke hookah with three friends), he would have been with all women. He's even slept with one of those ladies. Am I threatened by this? Hell no. He's my husband and I trust him to have female friends just like he trusts me to have male friends. I really don't understand people not being willing to just let their SOs have whatever friends they want to have.

And that works for you and your husband. I agree that people should have whatever friends they want to have, but if she's feeling uncomfortable and she's expressed that to her fiance, he should talk to her about it vs. dismissing her feelings. You're comfortable and your husband is comfortable with your dynamic. The OP is not comfortable--a conversation might help, but it seems like there are deeper issues and feelings.

If she's that untrusting of his ability to contain himself around someone of the opposite sex, then they need to see a therapist. They should both feel comfortable and trusting, and if they're not there, they need to consider delaying the wedding because if she's not able to discuss things frankly with her fiance or she doesn't trust him enough to go out for a night with twenty guys and one chick, then they have issues.

NYCBruin · December 2013

thejucheidea said:

Weesh said:

thejucheidea said:

Here's my husband's side of the wedding party:

The vast, VAST majority of his friends are female. If he had had a bachelor party (he didn't end up wanting one, and I just went to smoke hookah with three friends), he would have been with all women. He's even slept with one of those ladies. Am I threatened by this? Hell no. He's my husband and I trust him to have female friends just like he trusts me to have male friends. I really don't understand people not being willing to just let their SOs have whatever friends they want to have.

And that works for you and your husband. I agree that people should have whatever friends they want to have, but if she's feeling uncomfortable and she's expressed that to her fiance, he should talk to her about it vs. dismissing her feelings. You're comfortable and your husband is comfortable with your dynamic. The OP is not comfortable--a conversation might help, but it seems like there are deeper issues and feelings.

If she's that untrusting of his ability to contain himself around someone of the opposite sex, then they need to see a therapist. They should both feel comfortable and trusting, and if they're not there, they need to consider delaying the wedding because if she's not able to discuss things frankly with her fiance or she doesn't trust him enough to go out for a night with twenty guys and one chick, then they have issues.

Eh I don't doubt there are trust issues, but there's also the issue of respecting your SO's feelings. You can be uncomfortable with the thought of something even if you trust your SO. FI has some friends who like to do drugs. I know that he won't start doing drugs just being around them, but that doesn't mean I like the idea of him hanging out with them. My discomfort has nothing to do with trust. FI still hangs out with them, just at times and in places where they are less likely to be doing drugs because he knows that their drug use makes me uncomfortable.

I think more concerning than the OP's trust issues is if she's explained her feelings and he brushed them off. Not only is that a bad quality in a spouse, I know a few women who have had feelings of discomfort brushed off and told they were being "crazy" or "jealous" and needed to "just trust the guy" only to learn later that there was in fact something happening with the other woman. Not saying that this is the case here, but it's definitely a red flag when someone is dismissive of your feelings.

I also think that if this girl is close enough to her FI that she's getting a bachelor party invite, she's been in the picture for quite some time. I get the sense that OP may have been hoping that getting engaged/married would magically make FI stop hanging out with this girl.

OP-marriage isn't going to change the relationship FI has with this girl or change your feelings about it. You need to either learn to be ok with this friendship or hash this out with your FI. Ignoring this isn't going to make it go away. This is something you need to deal with before you get married. The number of days until your wedding shouldn't be a reason to put off this conversation, it should be a reason to have this discussion NOW.

tmclawchick · December 2013

OP that sucks, but as other PPs have said, it's not your place to confront the girl. This is an issue of your FI not respecting you and your feelings. I had a similar situation with FI years ago; there was a girl he hooked up with pretty routinely before we had met and she used to call every once in awhile to chat. Not a big deal, until she started drunk dialing him. I was upset and I talked to him about it. It was uncomfortable and looking back, yeah, maybe I got a little nuts over it. But you know what? He saw how much it was bothering me and he changed the situation. They still speak occasionally (maybe once every few months?) which is fine. But the fact that he respected my feelings meant a lot to me and I think you should really think this through before moving forward with your FI. Therapy might be a good option, but sometimes it's just a matter of kicking inconsiderate a-holes out of your life. That can also be very therapeutic.

clarke10 · December 2013

Someone being the only female in a friend group of all males does not make someone and attention whore. I have been a part of the same group of friends since high school and I am the only female. They are all like brothers to me. If your only issue with her being there is that she's a female, I think you have trust issues.

My best friend and MOH is a male and he will most certainly be attending my bach party.

Is there another reason you don't trust this woman there? If so, you need to have a serious talk with your FI, especially if he is disregarding your concerns.

climbingsingle · December 2013

Yikes. OP, have things happened in the past that have made you not trust your FI, especially with this girl?

FI's ex-girlfriend is invited to our wedding, along with her husband. FI and this girl dated for 12 years and are still good friends. I have no problem with her being invited. Actually, I like her a lot and enjoy spending time with her. And even if she wasn't married, I'd have no problem with FI being friends with her. My FI has never given me a reason to not trust him and I do trust him completely.

If this scenario is making you question your relationship, you should think long and hard if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you made your feelings about this woman clear to your FI and he still insisted on inviting her, I kind of think that's a red flag. It's hard to judge without all of the details, though.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

Calling this girl an attention whore because she got invited to a bachelor party isn't fair. It's not her fault she got invited. And if she attends, she's not an attention whore for that either.

Since I don't know your fiance, this woman, their history, your history, etc. I can't say if it's something where I'd think you're overreacting, or if it's something where he's crossing the line. For example, if they're long ago exes who are good friends now - I don't think it's a big deal. If that's not the case and she still has feelings or some other compounding factor, I would be uncomfortable too.

Try to think about this objectively. If you do and you realize you're overreacting, let this go. If you do and you still think he's crossing the line. You need to have a RATIONAL conversation with him about why it bothers you. If after this conversation, it still means more to him to have his ex at his bachelor party than to respect your peace of mind, I think you should consider delaying the wedding.

grumbledore · December 2013

Hello, I have been very clear from the beginning that I do not want this girl to be a part of my fiances life. But she got invited to the bachelor party and I am so mad. Only one girl in the group of 20 guys. Can you say attention whore? I don't know what to do. My fiance wants her there. He will not back down. Should I tell the girl I don't want her there or some thing else? Please help. I have no idea what to do.

You can't choose your fiance's friends. If you don't trust him around her, you have much bigger issues and should not be getting married.

lissag1285 · December 2013

It's just a girl that over steps her boundaries. I am not usually a jealous person. And I am feeling a lot of hate here. When we first started dating, they would be on the phone for hours. Every time I called him he was on the other line with her. I let him know that bothered me, and he stopped talking to her on the phone so much. Now and again they will text or see each other out. I'm just finding out that he obviously still cares very deeply for her and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is more there than just friend ship. Its more of an emotional relationship that they have. Which I can't help but think about all the time. Call me crazy, but he created the situation. He knew I would flip out because we already fought about this this summer.

After reading all of the opinions I just want to let you guys know I have been talking to him, but it hasn't made anything better. I suggested therapist and he ignored the suggestion. He is completely dis regarding my feelings and that is the bigger deal now. Why did he care at the beginning of the relationship to make me happy and acting up now a month before our wedding?

clarke10 · December 2013

First of all, friendship is an emotional relationship.

Second of all, if they are genuinely just friends, I don't understand the problem. Talking on the phone for hours with another woman would definitely bother me, but you said they only occasionally text now? I think you're looking too far into the fact that its a female friend. Male or female, she is his friend. Just because its someone of the opposite sex doesn't mean there is something more going on.

That being said, I think you have a more serious problem if he refuses therapy and doesn't want to discuss it with you. But its an issue with him, not his female friend.

Inkdancer · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

It's just a girl that over steps her boundaries. I am not usually a jealous person. And I am feeling a lot of hate here. When we first started dating, they would be on the phone for hours. Every time I called him he was on the other line with her. I let him know that bothered me, and he stopped talking to her on the phone so much. Now and again they will text or see each other out. I'm just finding out that he obviously still cares very deeply for her and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is more there than just friend ship. Its more of an emotional relationship that they have. Which I can't help but think about all the time. Call me crazy, but he created the situation. He knew I would flip out because we already fought about this this summer.

After reading all of the opinions I just want to let you guys know I have been talking to him, but it hasn't made anything better. I suggested therapist and he ignored the suggestion. He is completely dis regarding my feelings and that is the bigger deal now. Why did he care at the beginning of the relationship to make me happy and acting up now a month before our wedding?

It could be that he's getting something from her that he isn't from you. Which doesn't mean you're a bad person or you're doing anything wrong... it just means that he has a deep connection with her in a different way than you do.

You need to have a conversation with him at a time that he isn't distracted and you're calm. Without being accusatory (no saying "you did this" or "you think x") you need to tell him that you feel disrespected. (Couch it in "when you invited her I felt rejected" or something similar.) Suggest pre-marital counseling for the both of you together-- it will help you work things out in a neutral space. And it isn't because he needs to work on X or you want Y, it's because your relationship deserves the effort. And if he disagrees with that notion, you need to think long and hard about what you both want out of a marriage.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

It's just a girl that over steps her boundaries. I am not usually a jealous person. And I am feeling a lot of hate here. When we first started dating, they would be on the phone for hours. Every time I called him he was on the other line with her. I let him know that bothered me, and he stopped talking to her on the phone so much. Now and again they will text or see each other out. I'm just finding out that he obviously still cares very deeply for her and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is more there than just friend ship. Its more of an emotional relationship that they have. Which I can't help but think about all the time. Call me crazy, but he created the situation. He knew I would flip out because we already fought about this this summer.

After reading all of the opinions I just want to let you guys know I have been talking to him, but it hasn't made anything better. I suggested therapist and he ignored the suggestion. He is completely dis regarding my feelings and that is the bigger deal now. Why did he care at the beginning of the relationship to make me happy and acting up now a month before our wedding?

Yes. This is hard but I strongly suggest you give him an ultimatum: therapy, and complete honesty from him, or there's no wedding. At this point I would be postponing the wedding regardless, because one month is not long enough to work on a rift this deep in your relationship. He's disregarding your feelings and refusing to engage with you in therapy to fix the problem.

I think there is enough here that you have some reason not to trust him. You said they dated previously and he still talks and sees her, and you think there's more there than just friendship. Even if their relationship is only platonic, the fact that you would think he's cheating on you means you don't trust him. You absolutely cannot get married if you don't trust your Fi.

I agree with PPs that you can't dictate your Fi's friends, and just the fact that she's invited to his bach itself is not a problem. It's the surrounding issues that make me get on your side of this. I'm very concerned for you and I hope you two can work it out. Or at the very least, you realize later that you've dodged a bullet by figuring this out before you get married.

climbingsingle · December 2013

How does she overstep boundaries? Do they act inappropriately with each other? Or is it just them talking that bothers you? I agree that there are bigger problems at play here than this girl. If you truly feel he's having an emotional relationship with someone else (which in my book is cheating), why are you marrying him?

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

It's just a girl that over steps her boundaries. I am not usually a jealous person. And I am feeling a lot of hate here. When we first started dating, they would be on the phone for hours. Every time I called him he was on the other line with her. I let him know that bothered me, and he stopped talking to her on the phone so much. Now and again they will text or see each other out. I'm just finding out that he obviously still cares very deeply for her and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is more there than just friend ship. Its more of an emotional relationship that they have. Which I can't help but think about all the time. Call me crazy, but he created the situation. He knew I would flip out because we already fought about this this summer.

After reading all of the opinions I just want to let you guys know I have been talking to him, but it hasn't made anything better. I suggested therapist and he ignored the suggestion. He is completely dis regarding my feelings and that is the bigger deal now. Why did he care at the beginning of the relationship to make me happy and acting up now a month before our wedding?

How old are you and your FI and how long have you been together? How long did you date before getting engaged? How long has this woman been your FI's ex?

If you truly believe your FI and his ex are having an emotional affair, then postpone the wedding. Emotional affairs can lead to physical ones, and even if they do not they can be just as devastating as physical affairs.

Also, you may want to talk all of this over with a counselor who can best help you deal with the situation. The only thing you can really do is change your thinking about the situation and your own behaviors. You can't change other people.

People rarely change their behavior, and they usually do not do so when "forced," so while you may express your desire for your FI to stop seeing and communicating with this woman, unless your FI actually wants to do so of his own free will- and it sounds like he does NOT- he's not going to stop talking to or seeing her.

KickAssMOH · December 2013

I feel truly sorry that you are having such a hard time with these issues so close to your wedding to be blunt, that just really sucks. It's not an etiquette issue at all, though - it's a major premarital issue.

If you were my best friend and you were telling me all of this, here's what I'd say: I had several shitty relationships prior to my current very happy marriage. It has been my experience that any guy who puts someone else's feelings before mine is actually doing many other bad things behind my back - I just didn't know what they were and didn't realize it at the time. 40 days before my wedding, my FI and I were both on cloud nine and constantly going out of our way to make eachother sublimely happy. Not saying we're perfect, but it felt like a good start to a lifelong committment. I wish the same for everyone else, and if you're having trouble dealing with your FI not honoring your feelings/opinions then I think you deserve better. Trust issues aside, if the man you want to spend your life with knows that something is upsetting you and chooses to ignore it, then that's probably nothing compared to what he'll ignore years down the road.

Not to jump to conclusions here, but calling off a wedding is cheaper and easier than a divorce.

NYCBruin · December 2013

lissag1285 said:

It's just a girl that over steps her boundaries. I am not usually a jealous person. And I am feeling a lot of hate here. When we first started dating, they would be on the phone for hours. Every time I called him he was on the other line with her. I let him know that bothered me, and he stopped talking to her on the phone so much. Now and again they will text or see each other out. I'm just finding out that he obviously still cares very deeply for her and it breaks my heart. I feel like there is more there than just friend ship. Its more of an emotional relationship that they have. Which I can't help but think about all the time. Call me crazy, but he created the situation. He knew I would flip out because we already fought about this this summer.

After reading all of the opinions I just want to let you guys know I have been talking to him, but it hasn't made anything better. I suggested therapist and he ignored the suggestion. He is completely dis regarding my feelings and that is the bigger deal now. Why did he care at the beginning of the relationship to make me happy and acting up now a month before our wedding?

We can't answer that or even necessarily say that he is without more information. How did the talk go? What did you say? It's possible if you only focused on what he/she was doing and not how it made you feel, he thought you were just overreacting and weren't serious when you mentioned therapy. If he really views his bach party as an innocent good time with his friends and you came out swinging accusing him of things, he might not have realized that you're actually upset about this and are simply just annoyed and trying to rain on his parade because you don't like this girl and were trying to manipulate him into not including her.

I would suggest taking time alone to write down your thoughts and what exactly you want to say, what you're worried about and how you feel in this situation. Use a lot of "I" statements and not a lot of "you" statements. Focus on your feelings rather than his or her actions. Once you've collected your thoughts, then sit down and talk to him from a rational place. If he still responds in the same way, I'd say there are much bigger issues here and I would suggest postponing the wedding.

ETA clarity.

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