@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
From what I see/ have noticed she jokes about sex all the time, she is very touchy feely, she is in constant communication with him. Always texting and calling. Posting pictures of them on facebook, always writing on his wall. Completely ignores me when its me and him that enter a room. It's a long list of things. I just don't trust her.
This is one of the biggest things we have ever fought about the whole 5 years we have been together. We have a very strong relationship. We were friends for 5 years before we started dating. So emotional background is very important to him which scares me the most with them.
@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
ERR- I hit send too fast. My best advice to you since you're so close to the wedding is that you shoudl still let him know how you feel about it...mabye not suggest therapy but just tell him you have a problem with it, it makes you upset and if he would please just honor this one request...beg him but in a diplomatic way. DO NOT talk to the girl and again...just remember...You are the one with the ring
Take it from someone who married the wrong guy when she was 24 - it's much easier to call off or postpone a wedding than it is to get divorced.
With the additional information you've given, I definitely would be concerned about behavior like that. And if you've voiced these concerns to your FI and he continues this relationship anyway, that's a problem.
From what I see/ have noticed she jokes about sex all the time, she is very touchy feely, she is in constant communication with him. Always texting and calling. Posting pictures of them on facebook, always writing on his wall. Completely ignores me when its me and him that enter a room. It's a long list of things. I just don't trust her.
This is one of the biggest things we have ever fought about the whole 5 years we have been together. We have a very strong relationship. We were friends for 5 years before we started dating. So emotional background is very important to him which scares me the most with them.
If your FI had wanted to continue a strictly platonic friendship with this woman, he should have set some boundaries. This kind of behavior is not acceptable. Even if he isn't participating, he's allowing it to happen. The fact that he won't set boundaries, limit his contact with this woman, or attend counseling throws up some seriously red flags. I would not recommend going through with the wedding until things are straightened out.
If he's been ignoring your concerns about this for five years, you probably shouldn't have gotten engaged in the first place.
From what I see/ have noticed she jokes about sex all the time, she is very touchy feely, she is in constant communication with him. Always texting and calling. Posting pictures of them on facebook, always writing on his wall. Completely ignores me when its me and him that enter a room. It's a long list of things. I just don't trust her.
This is one of the biggest things we have ever fought about the whole 5 years we have been together. We have a very strong relationship. We were friends for 5 years before we started dating. So emotional background is very important to him which scares me the most with them.
Yea, that stuff would bother me also. What bothers me more, though, is not this girl. It's your FI's response to her and to you that's the problem. Women (and men) will act inappropriately toward married and committed people ALL THE TIME. That's life. Some people don't have filters or boundaries.
That's why you and your FI establishing mutual respect, what you're comfortable with personally and what you're comfortable with as it pertains to the other person are SO important. It sounds like the two of you don't agree on this and/or he doesn't respect that you're uncomfortable with this. If it's like this now, it's not going to improve. Especially if you present this as a problem and he blows you off. That's not husband material. People don't magically change when they get married.
Take it from someone who married the wrong guy when she was 24 - it's much easier to call off or postpone a wedding than it is to get divorced.
With the additional information you've given, I definitely would be concerned about behavior like that. And if you've voiced these concerns to your FI and he continues this relationship anyway, that's a problem.
Agreed. I'm seeing huge red flags. Make an appointment and go talk with a pre-marriage counselor yourself. . . I know he refuses to go, but you need to talk with someone for your self asap.
It sounds like you don't trust your FI or his ex, and it sounds like she still thinks they are in a relationship together.
You do not have a strong relationship if you are concerned your FI is carrying on an emotional affair with his ex, and you feel he doesn't give a rat's ass about the concerns you have raised over this issue. You do not have a strong relationship if he is disregarding your concerns, putting his needs and his relationship with his ex over your needs and his relationship with you, and if he refuses to talk with a counselor.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
ERR- I hit send too fast. My best advice to you since you're so close to the wedding is that you shoudl still let him know how you feel about it...mabye not suggest therapy but just tell him you have a problem with it, it makes you upset and if he would please just honor this one request...beg him but in a diplomatic way. DO NOT talk to the girl and again...just remember...You are the one with the ring
Are you kidding with this nonsense? Don't bring up therapy, beg him do this one thing, she's the one with the ring? This is awful advice. I can't. I just..can't.
Oof, this sucks, but it sounds like you have much bigger issues that this friendship. I consider refusing to go to therapy to be a dealbreaker, but even if you don't want to cancel your wedding, please do at least consider postponing it. There's some pretty serious trust, respect and communication issues that need work before you make a legally binding commitment. I'm sorry.
@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
ERR- I hit send too fast. My best advice to you since you're so close to the wedding is that you shoudl still let him know how you feel about it...mabye not suggest therapy but just tell him you have a problem with it, it makes you upset and if he would please just honor this one request...beg him but in a diplomatic way. DO NOT talk to the girl and again...just remember...You are the one with the ring
No. Just no.
1. Even if the wedding were scheduled for tomorrow, it would be 100% better to postpone/cancel than to start a marriage with such a huge issue. It's way easier to cancel a wedding than go through a divorce.
2. If she has to beg her FI to listen to her feelings, she shouldn't marry him. Having to beg your spouse to do something that is important to you is a recipe for disaster.
3. Ring or no ring, this is an issue that needs resolving. Giving someone an engagement ring doesn't excuse unacceptable behavior or turn an unhealthy relationship into a good one. It's a piece of jewelry, not a magic wand.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
ERR- I hit send too fast. My best advice to you since you're so close to the wedding is that you shoudl still let him know how you feel about it...mabye not suggest therapy but just tell him you have a problem with it, it makes you upset and if he would please just honor this one request...beg him but in a diplomatic way. DO NOT talk to the girl and again...just remember...You are the one with the ring
Are you kidding with this nonsense? Don't bring up therapy, beg him do this one thing, she's the one with the ring? This is awful advice. I can't. I just..can't.
Agree with PPs and also there is no 'diplomatic' way to beg. You don't need to beg. You need trust and your FI to set some boundaries and respect your feelings. Lack of respect and care for these concerns could lead to a terrible marriage.
Why would you want to marry a person who refuses to go to couple's therapy with you when you're unhappy? Why would you want to marry a person who knows you're incredibly uncomfortable with him being such close friends with his inappropriate ex? You've fought about this for 5 years--this is not going to stop after you're married.
After reading all the updates, I say ditch him. If he's unwilling to recognize your feelings (and how his actions are impacting them) or entertain the idea of therapy, then you don't need him. Sorry..
FYI I don't mean FLASH THE DIAMOND in that girls' face. I'm just trying to help Lissag feel a little more comfort in that her FI chose her that he wants to marry. If he wanted to marry his ex, he most likely would have stayed with her...it's not like this happened yesterday...this is a span of 5 years and he still chose to be with the PP.
I prob used the wrong word in BEG...please excuse me for that. I just meant that she should really have a long converstaion with him.
AND sort things out all in one discussion, if therapy is what they need, then i guess therapy is the best way to handle...however the minute you bring therapy into the conversation, people do tend to not have a good reaction to it.
FYI I don't mean FLASH THE DIAMOND in that girls' face. I'm just trying to help Lissag feel a little more comfort in that her FI chose her that he wants to marry. If he wanted to marry his ex, he most likely would have stayed with her...it's not like this happened yesterday...this is a span of 5 years and he still chose to be with the PP.
HE STILL CHOSE TO BE WITH THE OP (original said PP, sorry, doing this at work)
I prob used the wrong word in BEG...please excuse me for that. I just meant that she should really have a long converstaion with him.
AND sort things out all in one discussion, if therapy is what they need, then i guess therapy is the best way to handle...however the minute you bring therapy into the conversation, people do tend to not have a good reaction to it.
Therapy isn't meant to be a threat. If the OP wants to try therapy, and her fiance throws a shit fit over the word "therapy," it's a huge red flag and not a natural reaction to relationship conflict.
FYI I don't mean FLASH THE DIAMOND in that girls' face. I'm just trying to help Lissag feel a little more comfort in that her FI chose her that he wants to marry. If he wanted to marry his ex, he most likely would have stayed with her...it's not like this happened yesterday...this is a span of 5 years and he still chose to be with the PP.
You don't have to want to "be" with someone or marry the person to have an affair (emotional or physical).
Also just because someone proposes doesn't mean they are ready for marriage.
Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
Alright, I've read the thread and feel I need to weigh in here.
My fiance cheated on me...he has some emotional issues with his past that he was refusing to deal with. When he told me what had happened, we had some knock down drag out discussions where we were both very honest about how we were feeling. He was in the lowest point of his life because his past was finally catching up with him. I told him in no uncertain terms that it was counselling or I was out the door. He called the counsellor the next day.
I don't care how long it takes him to sort out his past (a previous gf was killed in a car accident when they were together). But so long as he is willing to make the effort, I will stand by him 100% because I KNOW he loves me, values me, and wants US. He has been seeing the therapist alone since then and we are both ready to have me join them when the therapist believes he is at that point in his treatment.
Making a mistake doesn't make someone a bad person, but what they choose to do in the aftermath is what matters. If he isn't willing to take into consideration how you feel (providing it is founded), then I would RUN. No one is perfect but a willingness to communicate and work together is vital.
FYI I don't mean FLASH THE DIAMOND in that girls' face. I'm just trying to help Lissag feel a little more comfort in that her FI chose her that he wants to marry. If he wanted to marry his ex, he most likely would have stayed with her...it's not like this happened yesterday...this is a span of 5 years and he still chose to be with the PP.
And he's still CHOOSING to carry on with his ex in a way that makes the woman he chose to be with feel incredibly uncomfortable, and he has been CHOOSING to disregard her feelins and his relationship with her,his FI, and prioritize his selfish behavior nd his relationship with his ex. An ex who seems not to realize or care she is an ex. She behaves inappropriatley and he allows her, to the discomfort of his FI.
He is being a selfish ass.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
@lissag1285 i sympathize with you. I was still mad when I was going out with my then BF (now husband), that he kept pics of he and his ex on facebook!! But you know what...it's not that easy to delay the wedding, etc especially since it's 40 days out...I would still talk to your FI about it...tell him you have a problem
I had to force myself to think the same thing...so what if they dated before you guys met...we're all entitled to Ex's right? Also, he CHOSE YOU to marry!!
It's a hell of a lot easier than divorce. This is awful advice. Yes, everyone has exes. The problem OP is having is not with the Ex, its with the fiance. They are not communicating, and he is completely shutting her concerns down. It doesn't even matter if she is being crazy jealous or he is being awful, the refusal to communicate and the refusal to go to counseling together is a major major red flag.
Also I don't get the emphasis on the "he chose you to marry." The OP (I'm assuming) wants a GOOD marriage, not just any marriage!
OK after reading this, here is what I think is our fact pattern:
FI's ex is still into him, and is obvious about it
FI maintains a friendship with her and allows her to flirt with him
FI seemingly doesn't notice that his ex is disrespectful towards OP when they are all together
When OP tries to talk to FI about this, he brushes it off as an overreaction
Look, none of us know you, OP, or what your specific situation is. My best guess? This chick is one of those women who gets her jollies out of flirting with attached men. Your FI apparently likes the attention, and encourages it. But the fact that this has continued through your entire 5 year relationship makes me think that it's nothing more than flirting. If he was actually carrying on an affair with this woman, physical or emotional, when you voiced your concerns to him years ago he probably would have at least felt guilty about it, or even admitted it to you and ended things. Instead, he continued to date and then proposed to you. I don't know many people who would propose to one person when they are in love with/attracted to another person who is unattached and feels the same way about them.
I think you just need to trust your FI. However, if this girl is outwardly rude to you when you see each other in person (and this does include clearly ignoring your presence), your FI should have racted to that. The fact that he doesn't seem to mind that his friend willfully ignores hs fiancee is disturbing. He needs to have a discussion with this girl to let her know that disrespecting you is the same thing as disrespecting him, and that he won't stand for it. You can't stop her from being flirtatious, but your FI shouldn't be ok with you being slighted publicly. Quite frankly I can't believe you invited a person to your wedding who refuses to acknowledge your existance. This issue should have been dealt with a LONG time ago.
If your FI's only reaction to all of this is that you are overreacting, you have a serious FI problem (provided that his friend is truly dismissive and rude to you in public, and that you are not actually just overreacting). I wouldn't go through with the wedding in this case. But it seems more likely that you just need to learn to trust him - you probably shouldn't have agreed to marry someone you didn't trust, but you did. Your best bet is to start working on that ASAP. Getting divorced would be far more annoying than rescheduling a wedding.
If you want to go through with this MARRIAGE (note that i'm not saying "wedding," obviously you want to go through with the wedding, and you've already used "it's only 40 days away" as an excuse to not cancel it) you need to deal with this. The wedding will be over in 41 days, and then you'll have to deal with this issue for the rest of your life if you don't fix it now. Will it be a hard conversation? Probably. But marriage comes with a lot of difficult conversations. Get used to it.
OK after reading this, here is what I think is our fact pattern:
FI's ex is still into him, and is obvious about it
FI maintains a friendship with her and allows her to flirt with him
FI seemingly doesn't notice that his ex is disrespectful towards OP when they are all together
When OP tries to talk to FI about this, he brushes it off as an overreaction
Look, none of us know you, OP, or what your specific situation is. My best guess? This chick is one of those women who gets her jollies out of flirting with attached men. Your FI apparently likes the attention, and encourages it. But the fact that this has continued through your entire 5 year relationship makes me think that it's nothing more than flirting. If he was actually carrying on an affair with this woman, physical or emotional, when you voiced your concerns to him years ago he probably would have at least felt guilty about it, or even admitted it to you and ended things. Instead, he continued to date and then proposed to you. I don't know many people who would propose to one person when they are in love with/attracted to another person who is unattached and feels the same way about them.
I think you just need to trust your FI. However, if this girl is outwardly rude to you when you see each other in person (and this does include clearly ignoring your presence), your FI should have racted to that. The fact that he doesn't seem to mind that his friend willfully ignores hs fiancee is disturbing. He needs to have a discussion with this girl to let her know that disrespecting you is the same thing as disrespecting him, and that he won't stand for it. You can't stop her from being flirtatious, but your FI shouldn't be ok with you being slighted publicly. Quite frankly I can't believe you invited a person to your wedding who refuses to acknowledge your existance. This issue should have been dealt with a LONG time ago.
If your FI's only reaction to all of this is that you are overreacting, you have a serious FI problem (provided that his friend is truly dismissive and rude to you in public, and that you are not actually just overreacting). I wouldn't go through with the wedding in this case. But it seems more likely that you just need to learn to trust him - you probably shouldn't have agreed to marry someone you didn't trust, but you did. Your best bet is to start working on that ASAP. Getting divorced would be far more annoying than rescheduling a wedding.
If you want to go through with this MARRIAGE (note that i'm not saying "wedding," obviously you want to go through with the wedding, and you've already used "it's only 40 days away" as an excuse to not cancel it) you need to deal with this. The wedding will be over in 41 days, and then you'll have to deal with this issue for the rest of your life if you don't fix it now. Will it be a hard conversation? Probably. But marriage comes with a lot of difficult conversations. Get used to it.
This! After reading all previous replies and reading the clarifications, it sounds like your FI is either socially clueless about when someone wants more than just friendship, or he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'm guessing it's the latter of the two considering he won't even see a counselor with you. I strongly recommend all couples should get pre-marital counseling even if the relationship is healthy because they can give you additional tools or bring up questions you both may not have thought about. If he simply thinks you are overreacting then it's clear that he does not respect you and is not putting your relationship first, in fact he is putting his relationship with his ex over you. My advice is to get out while you can. I'm not sure what your contracts say, but 40 days seems like enough time to get your money back.
You know how he feels about her -- he cares more about her than he does about you. He's made that perfectly clear. You knew how he felt about this girl when you were dating and you continued to date him; you knew how he felt about this girl when you were engaged and you continued to stay engaged to him; you'll know how he feels about this girl if you go through with the wedding and say "I do." So if you go ahead with the wedding, with this knowledge that she matters more to him than you do, you lose the right to ever complain about her and his relationship with her ever again. You know what you're signing up for and you're doing it with your eyes wide open.
But on the bright side, you won't lose your cake deposit!
My ex-FI CHOSE to be with me, too. He also CHOSE to be with a bunch of other women at the same time, and he CHOSE to lie to me about that. Choosing to be with someone doesn't mean jack shit when a guy wants something else on the side.
I also gave him the chance to work things out via counseling - for him separately and us together. He decided that his past was too painful to face and he'd rather live with his misery than work to overcome it and have me back in his life. That told me what (and who, because the other chick didn't think he needed therapy) ranked most importantly in his life. So, I walked. Now he's got an arrest warrant for something he tried to convince me he didn't do. (Bullet, dodged.)
OP, I think you're totally justified in your lack of trust in him. I would absolutely give him the ultimatum, therapy or it's over. This man cares more about that other girl than he does you. He's making it very clear to you that she is his priority, when YOU should be the priority in his life. There's nothing wrong with him having female friends, but when he makes those friends a higher priority in his life than he does you, then there's something seriously wrong. YOU should be at the top of his list, then the other friends within the boundaries he and you both are comfortable in. This isn't about his bachelor party. My ex had several female friends who I'd have no issue whatsoever if he'd wanted them at his bachelor party. The ones I did have an issue being there are the ones who contributed to our breakup - because my gut feelings about them were right.
I know it hurts. But you are worth something better than this.
My ex-FI CHOSE to be with me, too. He also CHOSE to be with a bunch of other women at the same time, and he CHOSE to lie to me about that. Choosing to be with someone doesn't mean jack shit when a guy wants something else on the side.
I also gave him the chance to work things out via counseling - for him separately and us together. He decided that his past was too painful to face and he'd rather live with his misery than work to overcome it and have me back in his life. That told me what (and who, because the other chick didn't think he needed therapy) ranked most importantly in his life. So, I walked. Now he's got an arrest warrant for something he tried to convince me he didn't do. (Bullet, dodged.)
OP, I think you're totally justified in your lack of trust in him. I would absolutely give him the ultimatum, therapy or it's over. This man cares more about that other girl than he does you. He's making it very clear to you that she is his priority, when YOU should be the priority in his life. There's nothing wrong with him having female friends, but when he makes those friends a higher priority in his life than he does you, then there's something seriously wrong. YOU should be at the top of his list, then the other friends within the boundaries he and you both are comfortable in. This isn't about his bachelor party. My ex had several female friends who I'd have no issue whatsoever if he'd wanted them at his bachelor party. The ones I did have an issue being there are the ones who contributed to our breakup - because my gut feelings about them were right.
I know it hurts. But you are worth something better than this.
Totally nailed it. I wish I knew how to post GIFS because I'd totally find an awesome clapping one. That love is from me.
And I'm sorry that your ex sounds like such a douche--you sound like a very smart kick ass chick!
Yeah, I think it needs to be emphasized that he can marry the OP and still do all the things he's doing. At this point, although I think the OP is likely to marry him anyway, I feel like she shouldn't reward his douchey behavior by making it even harder for her to dump his ass.
Re: .
It sounds like you don't trust your FI or his ex, and it sounds like she still thinks they are in a relationship together.
You do not have a strong relationship if you are concerned your FI is carrying on an emotional affair with his ex, and you feel he doesn't give a rat's ass about the concerns you have raised over this issue. You do not have a strong relationship if he is disregarding your concerns, putting his needs and his relationship with his ex over your needs and his relationship with you, and if he refuses to talk with a counselor.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
After reading all the updates, I say ditch him. If he's unwilling to recognize your feelings (and how his actions are impacting them) or entertain the idea of therapy, then you don't need him. Sorry..
He is being a selfish ass.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
It's a hell of a lot easier than divorce. This is awful advice. Yes, everyone has exes. The problem OP is having is not with the Ex, its with the fiance. They are not communicating, and he is completely shutting her concerns down. It doesn't even matter if she is being crazy jealous or he is being awful, the refusal to communicate and the refusal to go to counseling together is a major major red flag.
Also I don't get the emphasis on the "he chose you to marry." The OP (I'm assuming) wants a GOOD marriage, not just any marriage!
OK after reading this, here is what I think is our fact pattern:
FI's ex is still into him, and is obvious about it
FI maintains a friendship with her and allows her to flirt with him
FI seemingly doesn't notice that his ex is disrespectful towards OP when they are all together
When OP tries to talk to FI about this, he brushes it off as an overreaction
Look, none of us know you, OP, or what your specific situation is. My best guess? This chick is one of those women who gets her jollies out of flirting with attached men. Your FI apparently likes the attention, and encourages it. But the fact that this has continued through your entire 5 year relationship makes me think that it's nothing more than flirting. If he was actually carrying on an affair with this woman, physical or emotional, when you voiced your concerns to him years ago he probably would have at least felt guilty about it, or even admitted it to you and ended things. Instead, he continued to date and then proposed to you. I don't know many people who would propose to one person when they are in love with/attracted to another person who is unattached and feels the same way about them.
I think you just need to trust your FI. However, if this girl is outwardly rude to you when you see each other in person (and this does include clearly ignoring your presence), your FI should have racted to that. The fact that he doesn't seem to mind that his friend willfully ignores hs fiancee is disturbing. He needs to have a discussion with this girl to let her know that disrespecting you is the same thing as disrespecting him, and that he won't stand for it. You can't stop her from being flirtatious, but your FI shouldn't be ok with you being slighted publicly. Quite frankly I can't believe you invited a person to your wedding who refuses to acknowledge your existance. This issue should have been dealt with a LONG time ago.
If your FI's only reaction to all of this is that you are overreacting, you have a serious FI problem (provided that his friend is truly dismissive and rude to you in public, and that you are not actually just overreacting). I wouldn't go through with the wedding in this case. But it seems more likely that you just need to learn to trust him - you probably shouldn't have agreed to marry someone you didn't trust, but you did. Your best bet is to start working on that ASAP. Getting divorced would be far more annoying than rescheduling a wedding.
If you want to go through with this MARRIAGE (note that i'm not saying "wedding," obviously you want to go through with the wedding, and you've already used "it's only 40 days away" as an excuse to not cancel it) you need to deal with this. The wedding will be over in 41 days, and then you'll have to deal with this issue for the rest of your life if you don't fix it now. Will it be a hard conversation? Probably. But marriage comes with a lot of difficult conversations. Get used to it.
This! After reading all previous replies and reading the clarifications, it sounds like your FI is either socially clueless about when someone wants more than just friendship, or he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'm guessing it's the latter of the two considering he won't even see a counselor with you. I strongly recommend all couples should get pre-marital counseling even if the relationship is healthy because they can give you additional tools or bring up questions you both may not have thought about. If he simply thinks you are overreacting then it's clear that he does not respect you and is not putting your relationship first, in fact he is putting his relationship with his ex over you. My advice is to get out while you can. I'm not sure what your contracts say, but 40 days seems like enough time to get your money back.
But on the bright side, you won't lose your cake deposit!
My ex-FI CHOSE to be with me, too. He also CHOSE to be with a bunch of other women at the same time, and he CHOSE to lie to me about that. Choosing to be with someone doesn't mean jack shit when a guy wants something else on the side.
I also gave him the chance to work things out via counseling - for him separately and us together. He decided that his past was too painful to face and he'd rather live with his misery than work to overcome it and have me back in his life. That told me what (and who, because the other chick didn't think he needed therapy) ranked most importantly in his life. So, I walked. Now he's got an arrest warrant for something he tried to convince me he didn't do. (Bullet, dodged.)
OP, I think you're totally justified in your lack of trust in him. I would absolutely give him the ultimatum, therapy or it's over. This man cares more about that other girl than he does you. He's making it very clear to you that she is his priority, when YOU should be the priority in his life. There's nothing wrong with him having female friends, but when he makes those friends a higher priority in his life than he does you, then there's something seriously wrong. YOU should be at the top of his list, then the other friends within the boundaries he and you both are comfortable in. This isn't about his bachelor party. My ex had several female friends who I'd have no issue whatsoever if he'd wanted them at his bachelor party. The ones I did have an issue being there are the ones who contributed to our breakup - because my gut feelings about them were right.
I know it hurts. But you are worth something better than this.