Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

CLoGreenEyes · December 2013

So, I know it's only been like a month, but I am SERIOUSLY missing being in a relationship. I am now totally 100% good with my decision to break things off, but I'm having a hard time being by myself after 5 and a half years of having somebody. (It might also have something to do with the holidays, I dunno.) The rational half of me knows I'm being ridiculous - it hasn't been long at all since things ended, I want my life to be more stable and autonomous before I start seriously dating anybody again, and chances are that I will meet someone awesome when my life is in a good place for that to happen. But I'm having a hard time remembering those things right now.

So, here are some questions I have for y'all if you are game to share:

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

minskat30 · December 2013

I'm sorry @Amapola14 that you are going through this...hang tight.

How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.):

H and I met online. I went out on a LOT of first dates online and (and I hate, hate, hate to say this because I didn't believe it before I met H) when I met H after a few converations at a wine bar, I knew he was "it". Again, I don't know how that could happen but I swear I called my Mom after the date and just told her "I found the man I want to marry but I'm worried he doesn't like me because he didn't kiss me goodnight" (for the record, he thought he was being a gentleman and I didn't kiss any of my other first-date dates goodnight).

What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I took a break between H and my last serious boyfriend for about 3 years. I didn't miss my Ex AT ALL, mind you. I spent that time with self reflection, in therapy and truly understanding myself before I decided I was ready for a new relationship. That paid off BIG time because I knew instinctively if someone was right for me pretty quickly early on when I was ready to date again.

Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

There is light at the end of the tunnel if you use this time wisely to understand your own needs, wants, and non-negotiables.

Swazzle · December 2013

H and I met through friends, basically. My college roommate and best friend (at the time) is H's best friend's sister. Not too exciting hahaha

I was really into my college boyfriend. Eventually I realized that I was forcing something that just wasn't there anymore. He was a great guy, just not the guy for me. I realized all of this months before I finally ended the relationship, though. Breaking up is hard, especially when you're comfortable and there isn't necessarily something "wrong". This taught me that when something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

I would say that at this point in time, it's ok to be selfish. Think about yourself and your needs and your wants. Know that you did the right thing for YOU and that it will get easier with time. Also, drink wine and eat ice cream (maybe not together, though)

blabla89 · December 2013

@Amapola14 I know it's a bummer but it really does get better with time.

C and I met at a coffee shop. We were the only two customers there and we were both wearing orange shirts (well he said my shirt was orange, I think it's red). So I knew it had to be fate, because I have to let a LOT of laundry pile up before I'll wear a red/orange shirt. It's just not a flattering color for me. Anyway, we talked for a two hours there, and the next day he texted me about going to a Braves game.

This happened a few months after I broke it off with my college boyfriend. He had moved across the country for grad school and wanted me to come with him, and I was looking for a job out there. One day it occurred to me that it was probably a terrible idea to drop everything and move across the country for a guy I probably wouldn't be with forever, especially when I had so much good stuff going on here. Sometimes you just have to do you.

Prior to C I had three serious relationships and was the one who ended them. Honestly, I hung on to each of them too long because I was afraid of being alone. My first BF was controlling, the second was always scamming on other girls, and the third was a decent guy but we just weren't great for each other and he didn't share my faith (which, for me, is a deal breaker). I was only vaguely aware of these flaws until after the relationship ended. The point is, it takes some time and distance to see that you made the right choice.

I'm going to second @swazzle's wine and ice cream. Spend time with friends, especially some you haven't seen in a while. You're not alone. Do something you've wanted to do but haven't had the time. And just remember that the best is yet to come.

bride2b71614 · December 2013

How did you and your SO meet?

Officially FI and I met at a hockey game. He was playing that night and he looked amazing! That being said, he wrote down his number while he was in the penalty box (two minutes for hooking, to this day I find that penalty hilarious) I called him after the game where he invited me to a party. My friend who I was staying with ditched me so I had to stay over his place (he ended up letting me have his bed and slept in the living room on the couch). We lost touch and found each other's online dating profiles a few months later.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I had a long term relationship that made me feel as though I lost my identity. We were seen as a "team", and I was only someone/recognized when I was with him. I also realized how unhealthy and toxic that relationship was for me, and I am SO glad it ended even though it hurt.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

Do not and I repeat DO NOT sleep with your ex after you've broken up. Its confusing, its messy and just not a good idea (it wasn't for me).

Blackbird230 · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?

We actually met in journalism class at college. When he walked in, I just knew I had to talk to him. We spent 2.5 years going back and forth with other relationships, flirting, somewhat dating, all kinds of things until it finally clicked a little bit before we graduated!

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I realized I wasn't myself in the other relationship. I had lost who we were as a couple and also who I was. As a result, I learned to stand up for when you think something is not right and that it's very important to be good fighters. (bad fighting just leads to resentment and tears and nothing being solved.)

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up?

Take some time for yourself. Whether that means picking up a new exercise regime, going out with the girls, learning a hobby. Find yourself as a single person. It'll be hard, but you're still you even without a guy by your side.

What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I wish I had known more about what an unhealthy relationship was and how to identify it. There were loads of red flags before my breakup with my ex and everybody else saw it, but me.

phira · December 2013

How did you and your SO meet?

Online. OKCupid. I'd been on it since my senior year of college, when a friend of mine met her boyfriend through it. When I met my partner, I had just start graduate school, and had just broken up with a friend who I'd been hooking up with. I was trying to be all CLEAN SLATE, so I made more of an effort with OKC than I usually did.

What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I think I learned that my standards were totally legit. I constantly was hiding parts of myself throughout previous relationships. These were things as innocuous as not admitting that I liked a particular movie or song, or as serious as not being as forward about my political beliefs. One of the major benefits of having my previous relationships end was that I could actually relax and be myself.

Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

After my first big break-up, I truly believed that my now-ex was the only person I would ever love. I felt abandoned, and I was convinced that I had to win him back because he was The One. I didn't understand that it was okay to mourn the end of the relationship (neither did my friends--they gave me such a hard time about not being okay!).

I also didn't understand that it is very hard to adjust to being single after spending so much time in a relationship. It's weird calling yourself single, or calling your ex "my ex."

I also second bride2b's advice: do not sleep with an ex (unless like ... it's been a while and neither one of you wants to get back together and you're not fresh off the break-up). I did it and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND NOT DOING IT. Oh god, it made everything so much harder.

I want to add, based on your own situation, it's great to be single for a while. I have some friends who bounce from person to person; they often only leave bad relationships because they've lined someone else up to date. Just like you said, it's important to be single in order to gain a sense of autonomy, to figure out who you are. Once you're feeling more ready, maybe after the new year (you're right--holidays do make it worse), I highly recommend joining a site like OKCupid. If anything, it's a great distraction, and just joining it makes you feel like you're moving on.

suzie211 · December 2013

I'm sorry your going through this. Break ups are hard.

H and I met online thorough OkCupid. We were both in our thirties and tired of the bar/hookup scene. We both wanted a serious relationship, which I can't say for a large portion of the other users. We spent close to 8 years in the same city with a very similar circle of friends. We met when the timing for a relationship was right for both of us.

I'm old enough to have my fair share of serious relationships before H. I understand the pain of heartbreak, but felt it was one of the necessary evils in life to learn more about me. Everyone taught me that I was strong and helped me focus on the relationship I needed to have with myself. I learned what was most important to me, and needed to be happy by myself before I could truly be happy with anyone else. All of my relationships taught me what I needed to put in or get out of them. I made a lot of mistakes, but I'm happy with the results.

I was married before to my college sweetheart. The man I dated in college was not the same person I divorced. We changed and grew up, and I was so focused on the fairy tale that I neglected me. I also dated two separate men on and off again for years. The first was an amazing person, but I was horrified to commit after my failed marriage. And the second was never going to commit. I stayed in both too long. However both taught me so much. I learned that all men aren't evil, and pushing away commitment doesn't make you invincible to pain. All three of these relationships made me who I am, and without them I would never have been ready to open up to H and have the relationship I have with him today. They were the best lessons and mistakes I could've made.

Being alone at the holidays is hard, but I promise it gets easier. The world many times seems to revolve around coupledom. I guarantee you are not the only single person feeling that way. Use this time to become better friends with yourself. It's the most important relationship you have.

CLoGreenEyes · December 2013

Thanks ladies.

I am just feeling extra down and hopeless at the moment. It definitely feels better to know that other people have had the same experiences and have come out stronger, wiser, and happier for it. Logically I know that I can have that too if I do the work, but hearing it from your amazing selves helps me really KNOW it from an emotional standpoint. So thank you for indulging.

Not for anytime soon (maybe not until I graduate, I'm not sure), but meeting new folks online is an intriguing option. I've heard a couple of you had success with OkCupid; any other sites to try or avoid? I'm guessing it's just luck no matter which one you use, right?

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I met FI at work while I was in a long term relationship. He really helped me realize what a SHITTY relationship I was in. Even though my ex was abusive it was still hard to leave. But leaving made me realize that my feelings are valid and that I am worth more than the shit he gave me.

Take some time, indulge in ice cream or whatever makes you happy. Try a new hobby! Do something exciting you always wanted to try

Peaseblossom55 · December 2013

@amapola14 I'm sorry how you are feeling, the holidays don't make it any better, but it will get better you definitely did the right thing and the right person at the right time will come along. I know it.

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

After yet another failed relationship from match.com I was complaining to my bff about being single, she said her BF ( now H) had a great friend at work who was single who she had met before, so she set us up. Our first unofficial date was a group date with mutual friends to see Avenue Q on Broadway.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I had an almost three year relationship finally end, it should have ended two years prior. I was afraid of being single again that I put myself through an awful relationship for an additional two years. I was so happy when I finally left and realized I deserved more and better.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I was happy in my last big break up I've had other smaller break ups that did upset me including the one right before I met FI( which was almost as bad as being broken up with via post it note a la sex and the city). My best advice all the good and bad I wouldn't change it for the world. It let me to be who am, led me to FI and the person he fell in love with.

KeptInStitches · December 2013

I'm sorry, @amapola14. It's rough.

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

BF and I met through university band - I played tuba, he played saxophone (I think tenor at that time). He was way into me and I had no clue for a couple years; we started dating about 3 years after we met.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I have one significant ex. Leaving him reminded me that no relationship was going to be worth the cost of my dreams - staying with him would have meant dropping out of college and following him around the world. But 5 years later I would have woken up and hated him. Since I didn't want to hate him, I left him. It was better in the long-term.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I would recommend combining alcohol and ice cream, but I have the self-control of the average four-year-old.

CASK85 · December 2013

I met my H at a bar happy hour because one of my grad school friends recognized him on the red line (subway) as someone she went to high school with, and invited him out. The story is weirder because we met here in Chicago, but I'm from NY state and he's from CO.

Moral of the story, you never know what circumstances are going to bring someone special into your life. Or from where!

chin up

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

DH and I met partially through work and partially through FB. He was working at a newspaper and left for another job. I got hired to replace him. After I started, he sent me a FB friend request. I accepted it, but NBD.

I was dating/living with my now-ex. He was dating/living with his now-ex.

April 2012, my now-ex gets a new job halfway across the state. Asks me to quit my job and move with him. I did.

May 2012, my now-ex decides "we aren't permanent" because I'm "not funny enough." I have already quit my job for this move, which is happening in a few weeks.

I picked myself up, got a new apartment, started freelancing, went back to therapy, started working on/taking care of myself.

June 2012, DH proposes to his now-ex. They get engaged.

July 2012, DH's now-ex-FI tells him she's seeing someone else, ends things. He moves out of their shared apartment, picks up his life, etc.

July 2012, we start FB messaging over shared commiserations. Then we start texting. We decide to have a date. Our first date is set for Aug. 3.

Between July 21 and Aug. 3, we exchange about 4K text messages.

We started seeing each other in August, made it official in October, got engaged in December, got married Oct. 13.

What did I learn? I learned not to settle. I learned not to change who I was for some guy. DH was honestly the first guy I was ever truly "myself" around -- nerdy, quirky, snarky, dorky, sappy, etc. I learned to look for someone who would accept the good, the bad, and the ugly about me. And DH does.

I spent a lot of time in my 20s -- like, the entire DECADE of my 20s -- being in bad-for-me, dead-end, pointless relationships. I was so desperate to HAVE a relationship, I was willing to overlook the flaws of the men I dated just for the sake of having that companionship. It wasn't until I was happy with who I was on my own that I could be happy in a relationship.

I think the thing I wish I had known then was that it's better to be honest up front with who you are and what you want and what you deserve, rather than trying to downplay aspects of your personality.

As an example, it took dating a string of either non-religious or non-Catholic guys for me to realise how strongly my faith is important to me. When DH and I started dating, I was like, "This is a deal-breaker for me. I WILL have a Catholic wedding and I WILL raise my children in a Catholic household."

DH very seriously considered that statement, and arrived -- independently -- at the decision that he wanted to convert to Catholicism. He spent weeks researching the Church's position on things, going to Mass with me, reading up on the Church.

One Sunday over brunch, he told me, "I want to become Catholic. And I want to marry you."

The rest...is the history we're making together.

phira · December 2013

I want to emphasize something that @HisGirlFriday13 said that really resonates with me. Going back to the whole, "I felt like I had to hide things" thing I was saying, I think that it's really important to learn what you want, and stick to it. HGF figured out that she needed to be married in the Catholic Church and she wanted to raise her children Catholic. I figured out that I needed to be in a relationship with another feminist. Not someone "who wasn't a feminist but ..." or someone who was cool with me being a feminist.

It's honestly kind of liberating to figure out where your deal-breakers are. I stopped caring about what music people liked listening to, or whether or not they were also Jewish, or if they were also into science. I started caring more about personal politics.

Hummingbird125 · December 2013

BF and I met at a party through a mutual friend. I thought both he and his roommate were cute, but I thought now-BF was better looking, so I spent much of the night talking with him. We both got wasted and kissed, and I eventually told him I lived nearby and he should come home with me. BF had driven his car into the city for work earlier, and had parked miles away, but he basically threw his keys at his roommate, gave him a rough estimate of where the car was, and asked him to drive it home so it wouldn't be towed. I found out later that it had been a long "dry spell" for BF, so his friend was happy to help! The funniest part of the night was when we got back to place. I lived in a 6 floor walk-up, and as we neared the top, we realized there were people ahead of us on the stairs. It was my roommate bringing someone home. I swear this was more common for her than it was for me, but we found it hilarious that we made it to the stairs at the same time that night. BF and I did not end up sleeping together that night, but he spent the night, and the next day he downloaded some of his favorite shows he wanted me to watch. He made it all the way out the door before he turned around and asked me for my phone number. He Facebook-ed me on Monday, we started chatting every day and seeing each other a few times a week, and the rest is history!

BF is my only serious relationship, so I've never been through a tough breakup like you're going through. My sister, however, is a serial monogamist. She's only 24 (I think?) but I don't think she's been single in 9 years. As soon as (or before...) she ends a long term relationship, she starts another one. I don't think she knows how to take care of herself, or plan for her future independent of a man. I firmly believe you need to be the best YOU you can be before being in a relationship, and this is what you should take this time to do.

My only words of wisdom is that good things happen when you least expect them to. For about 2 months before meeting BF, I was seriously, seriously depressed. I had never even been in a semi-serious relationship, and felt like I was just going to "Fall through the cracks" and never love or be loved. I felt hopeless, and cried a lot. It was awful. This was so crazy because I was SO young (23!!!) and living in NYC and had so many fun opportunities - but still, that's how I felt. Then - out of nowhere - I met him. Just do your best to stay busy with fun interesting things - you have no idea when or how your life will change.

I haven't "known" you long - but I can tell you are a smart, strong, woman, and I have no doubt you will make it through this and be the better for it.

rycbar123 · December 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this! Break-ups are never easy.

My FI and I actually met a few times before getting together. When I was 15 and him 18 we played Wii tennis together at my cousins house. I was too young to care about anything at that time though and that was the first and last time I saw him for a while. The second time we crossed paths was at my High School graduation. My aunt hosted a party for me and my cousin had my FI come over so he had a friend at the party. At the party I was very much attracted to him but he was leaving for South Korea the next week for the Air force so unfortunately nothing happened. Finally, last year at my cousins (sister of said cousin mentioned earlier) wedding in the Ozarks we sat by eachother during the reception and here we are after what I thought would just be a one night stand. So that's my story.

I took a huge break after leaving my last boyfriend before meeting FI. He was 8 years older than me and though we got along fantastically we were at different stages in our life and wanted different things. I knew eventually I wanted to get married and have kids and my ex didn't want any of that so I decided ending things sooner rather then later would be the best route though definitely not the easiest. It was a tough break-up but I took that time to really think about what I wanted in life. I was able to go out and enjoy myself. I took a lot of time to just focus on myself and to achieve everything I wanted in life before even deciding to get back in the dating game.

My advice is that you're on the right track. Go out and find a new hobby something along those lines. I found getting my mind off of everything and going into the world of a book was the best thing for me sometimes. The right one is out there and as cliche as it sounds, he'll come around when you least expect it. I surely was not planning on meeting anyone at a family wedding but it happened and I couldn't be happier. Stay busy and have fun in life! Also, always come here or to a friend IRL to talk things out if you're feeling down again! Your friends/this community have your best intrests at heart and can talk you through anything if needed!! Never forget that there is always someone you can talk to! Even if it is just a stranger over the internet!!

I hope you get over this stump soon!!

EDIT: copy and pasting is hard.

Blue & White · December 2013

Fi is one of my best friend's exes lol. I don't really recommend that approach to dating but it did work for us.

More importantly, what have I learned from a breakup? So much. My first big breakup was sophomore year of college. We had been dating for 4 years so I was a wreck. Even though it was a mutual decision. Basically, he thought I was boring and I wasn't willing to put a damper in my studies for stupid college parties (see? He was right. I was boring).

When I told my mom, she told me I was making the worst decision of my life (thanks mom).

BUT just recently, my parents ran into my ex in the supermarket. My dad didn't even recognize him and both agree that our breakup was for the best. Omg I finally have parental approval to make my own decisions (I've been making fun of them for years about this obviously).

Needless to say, I learned not to settle. My ex is a wonderful guy, but our lives were never going to be on the same path. After we broke up, he dropped out of college and I continued on to get my masters. He wants kids omg now and I don't yet. His mom also hated me so that was a negative. So really, I guess the break up allowed me to figure out who I was and what I wanted in life. It was really quite the cathartic experience.

ShallowSeas · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?
We met in 2007 during my second semester of college. We had the same Biology class. He sat next to me, therefor making us lab partners the rest of the semester. We hit it off well and became best friends for 6 years (I was in a relationship until then) and then decided that we wanted something more.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?
I had an 11 year relationship end before I got with FI. It was devastating at first and I felt like my world stopped. But now I am grateful that it happened because now I'm with FI and I can't imagine that anyone else could make me any happier than he does. I also learned A LOT if independence and gained a lot of strength as a person because of that relationship ending.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?
Things happen for a reason and although the breakup may feel like the absolute worst thing in the world, something better will come out of it. I spent many nights sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably because of my relationship ending. I thought it was the worst thing that could possibly happen, but I am so thankful that it did. I am where I was suppose to be all along. Keep yourself busy and your options open and you'll be ten times happier than you thought you could be.
At this point, I wish I had known that I was in that relationship for the wrong reason. I wish I had gotten out of it sooner. It caused me a lot of headache and heartache, but I did learn a lot from it. I wish I had known how unhappy I really was.

cowgirl8238 · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

I was working with his brother at a super market. His brother invited me over the house and I was sitting on his couch when he came home…6 years later we’re tying the knot so I guess you never know!

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I had a chance to look back on the relationship and learn from it. I realized my mistakes, and the things I didn’t like about him. For example my first boyfriend was too pushy, so I knew I didn’t want someone who would push sex. My first boyfriend didn’t have a good job and was constantly in need of rides (he had no car) and didn’t pay for much when we went out. (Right down to me paying for him!). From this I learned the things I didn’t like about him, and the things to avoid in my next relationship. It’s hard when you leave, but once you get a little perspective and turn it into a learning experience you’ll feel much better.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up?

I would try to focus on improving yourself. You can finally take the time to learn a new skill, or indulge in a hobby. You can go out with friends, and maybe join a club, activity, gym class, whatever to get out and meet people. I find personally that meeting new people helps me forget about the old ones.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

-What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I try to go by the live life without regrets rule…and for the most part I’m pretty good at it. Overall I wish I would have acted a little different sometimes (like not try to save my first relationship when it was going downhill). Looking back he wanted out, and I should have accepted it, because after that point it was more like him using me for whatever until he found a new woman. But hey, at least I know what not to do next time!

In the end you’ll be just fine and even happier! You’re doing great so far! And don't forget you don't need a man tocomplete you, you just need someone who goes good with you.

tuarceatha · December 2013

@Amapola14- Break ups are the worst. I must confess that I went back with every ex-bf I had at least once, and each time I quickly was reminded why we ended things the time before. Siiigh.

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)
Senior year of HS I had broken up with my high school sweetheart and was seeking out new friends. As I started to meet people, I noticed my now husband was in one of my classes and I started up conversation by making the connection, "Aren't you friends with so-in-so?" We hung out in that class and after school with our mutual friends the rest of senior year and a few times afterwards. We never dated or anything back then, but I used to flirt with him like it was my job. A few years after I went off to college, H and I stopped talking and went our separate ways. Fast forward 5 years, and I get an IM from H and we start chatting like we never stopped talking. It seemed like awesome timing because I had recently decided to move back home where H lived and now I had a friend to hang with. As soon as I moved home we started hanging out again and within a month we started dating.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

So many things. One thing that stands out right now about H vs. the others, or me with H vs. me with the others, is that I did not try to change him to fit me. With exs I would dress them, and correct them, and even mother them. Not the best version of me. I think I was taking the relationships too seriously, but when I started dating and even getting serious with H things were far more balanced. It was much more a partnership, and still is.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?
Aw! Take this time to reflect on what you learned about you from that relationship. Take the time to enjoy doing and deciding things without having someone else to answer to, or consider. I'm one of those people that basically went from one relationship to the next, with little time in between. I started dating at 14 and was single for the first time at 22. Every year before, I kept myself wrapped up in some sort of relationship.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

@Amapola14 - you know I've shared some of my story with you, but I'll do it publicly for anyone else who would like to read!

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)
     I was dating a guy from DFW, TX at the time I met my now-H. now-H (aka, X) saw me walking through a hallway at the university we both attended. he noticed my hair (big, blonde, long, curly) and tried to find me later on. he tracked me down and introduced himself. he'd watch for me and learned my schedule. when I'd be spending my 3 hour break in the union with coffee and lunch, he'd show up and sit down. we were extremely good friends for quite a while. I was still dating my ex-BF and had no idea X liked me!
     I had tried to break it off with ex-BF for a long time (almost a year) but he would threaten to hurt himself if I did. finally, I did it (I couldn't stand the controlling behavior anymore and the distance helped). it was a messy break-up (he showed up at my church's bible study after driving for hours to try and "talk me back into it", my dad had to escort him out!). X continued to be my friend.
     X was a flirt. he's good-looking and charismatic. I never thought that he'd like me. I felt like the ugly duckling (short and not super-thin or stylish like most of the girls he hung out with). I had a huge crush on him! he finally asked me out on a date the weekend of my college graduation. we went out, and I kissed him first. in the car as he was leaving. he stuck around a little bit longer after that.

     we dated about a month, long-distance, as he went home to NM (11 hr drive from me). we broke up. he wasn't ready for a relationship and I was a little too insecure about his flirtatious ways. he was a drunk and really needed to work on himself. (in fact, he showed up to his junior year jury (end of semester music recital) hungover and drinking tequila to wake him up. funny though, it was his best jury!) I was heart broken. I mean, I felt my heart physically ache in my chest.
     I hated his guts for almost a year. he came back from summer vacation and spent some time getting sober and putting his life back together. a few months later, somehow, he got me to at least say "hello" to him again. he apologized and said he missed my friendship. we started to spend a little bit of time together again. he told himself, his mom, and one of our close friends that if I'd go out with him again, he'd marry me.
     that was in March 2010. in October 2010, we were engaged. the next July, we married.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?
1. a lot of people say that it's a break-up because it's broken. sometimes it's just a matter of the wrong timing.
2. rebounds can be embarrassing.
3. there is nothing in the world like a true friendship and partnership with your romantic SO. everything else before (and after) will pale in comparison to the real deal.
4. don't be insecure. this was a hard lesson to learn!

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?
my first big/real break-up was when I was 19. my second was with Z, when I was in my 20's. it may happen more than once in your life. let people love you through the hurt. hang out with your friends, snuggle your pups/cats/animals (and if you don't have one, maybe think of adopting one or spending time at the shelter!), let people hug you. don't push other people away because you're hurting.

my younger brother never got over his first break-up, when he was 18. he is bitter and depressed, and it's 5 years later. he gained a ton of weight (now, I'd say he's pushing 400 lbs). he won't hang out with anyone and he is just MEAN. once in a while he breaks down and lets me talk to him. he really feels he is the only one who has ever felt this kind of heart break and he won't let himself heal. he is ruining his life, and for what? don't let that be you! be open to loving someone else when the time is right, and until then just love LIFE! you've only got ONE to live, so make the most of it. do things that your ex wasn't open to doing. go places. meet new people. take new classes. volunteer. let yourself feel sad as you grieve, but embrace the new life you have in front of you. live your life completely.

you don't find love... love finds you.

HUGS!!

cu97tiger · December 2013

Stay strong amapola! I know how difficult this time is.

-How did you and your SO meet?

When I knew I was moving to Phoenix, I used myspace to find people (ok, ONE person) to ask questions about where to live. That innocent email turned into more emails, then texts, then phone calls, and finally, two months later, a trip (for him) from AZ to FL. The minute he got off the plane, we were exclusive. We haven't looked back since!

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I feel like I've learned something from every relationship. Sometimes, it's how strong I am, sometimes, what deal breakers I have, other times, how blind I could be to serious issues. I really feel like as long as you take SOMETHING away from a relationship, then it was successful. I really hope to teach any future children I have that relationships are not just about 'getting him/her to like me' but to learn about yourself as a person and how you work together as a couple.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I wish I knew that at some point, being single wouldn't be the WORST thing. It enabled me to make some pretty epic decisions, moves across country, and risks, that I probably would not have taken if I'd been in a relationship. There are pros and cons to both singlehood and partnerhood, so don't focus on all the negatives.

I also wish I had known how worth it it was. Looking back, I would not have traded the pain of the break-up just to stay in the relationship.

I'm giving you all the internet hugs, because I remember crying so hard I almost threw up after I broke up with one of my long-term boyfriends. It was SO the right thing to do, but that didn't mean it was easy.

labro · December 2013

@Arnapola14 Hang in there! I truly believe that things do turn out all right in the end.

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

Like several others I met my SO online through OkCupid. He ended up being the only person I chose to go on an actual date with although I spent a couple months messaging a few other people that I thought sounded interesting. He really wanted to go to Six Flags but I wanted to make sure that 1. He wasn't a psychopath and 2. That we were compatible enough to be able to have fun spending an entire day together at an amusement park. So I suggested dinner and a movie for a first date instead. We had dinner and I was shaking sooo much out of nervousness. I noticed he was shaking too and it did a lot to make me feel better because I realized he was probably just as nervous as me (turns out his shaking was not due to nervousness, just a benign tremor but it helped me feel better at the time). We went to a movie but the theater was packed so we ended up going out for coffee and talking for 4 hours straight instead. After the date ended we both decided we liked each other and definitely wanted to go to Six Flags together the next day and things just took off from there. We took it really slow the first few months and didn't even say I love you until about 5 months in to our relationship with each other. Both of us had come out of previously bad relationships within the last couple of years and neither of us wanted to rush things.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

My main insights came after the end the relationship I had before meeting my BF. It was not an amicable break-up by any means. I had found out he was cheating on me, forgave him, and then a few months later realized the cheating hadn't stopped...and that it was more pervasive than I ever realized so I left him for good. The insights I took away from it taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I had allowed myself to become someone other than me. That I had allowed my ex to basically put me down all the time, that he had made me feel like it was my fault that he was cheating, that I wasn't good enough, etc. etc. He never called me beautiful, rarely said I love you, and we almost never went to bed together. Even after we broke up I still had a hard time letting go in spite of how toxic the relationship was. It took me a really long time to recover. I think it was about 10 months between when I broke it off with my ex and joined OkCupid. I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that it's ok to just take your time. Don't rush into another relationship because you're feeling alone and lonely. I took my time to become my own person again. To redevelop my interests and do things for myself. I came out stronger and more independant because of it.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

When I was at your point I was still mourning my relationship even though my ex was a total ass, had cheated on me, and basically had emotionally abused me for three years. It took my awhile to clear my head of all the emotional craziness. I was lucky because I was able to physically distance myself from my ex and my friends and family were all there for me to help me out since they saw him for what he really was. It's ok to just take some time for yourself and do things for you. I focused on spending time with girlfriends, going on coffee dates with them, going to the art museum, looking for a job, stuff like that.

buddysmom80 · December 2013

@amapola14, sending you a huge hug. I know it sucks to go through this during the holidays, but you know we're all here for you!

-How did you and your SO meet? BF and I met on POF. I was ready to delete my profile when I saw he messaged me. I figured this would be my one last shot at dating before giving up on the whole ordeal of horrible first dates. This date was amazing. There were not awkward moments or pauses in conversations, we had a really good time. I think it helped that we texted constantly between our first contact online and meeting, I think that helps building IRL relationships either dating or friends. I remember the first time we talked online, he asked me what time I had to get up the next morning, he set his alarm clock so he could wake up and send me a good morning text. It was the small things that showed he cared that I think won me over.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end? My two MAJOR adult relationships before my current BF taught me so much. First thing, communicate, communicate, communicate. And when you're done talking, talk some more. My one relationship ended because we didn't communicate. FWIW, it was bad timing too, but more than anything, just lack of communication about a timeline for our relationship, where we wanted to move, etc. The other thing I learned is if you're not happy, just fucking end it. If you keep trying to make it work, it's not going to. A relationship takes two people to keep it going and if you're doing EVERYTHING and the other person is like screwing his step-sister behind your back, then it's just not working out. Also, if you think they're cheating, they probably are. My last ex, had a whole life outside of our "relationship" and he would take out his anger on me when his step-sister/baby mama/girlfriend would piss him off. Instead of yelling and hitting her, he would do it to me. I stuck around thinking that he would leave her, change, whatever but then realized that wasn't going to happen. When he left, I was so sad, but looking back, it was the best decision ever.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life? Figure out what YOU want in life and enjoy being single before jumping into the next relationship. Also don't settle because you're afraid to be alone. It's okay to be alone, hell, I miss the days of eating Hot Pockets for dinner because I didn't have to cook for someone else. If you're sad, get a makeover, seriously, it helps. Then go out alone, meet a hot stranger and have stranger sex (not that that hasn't happened to me, yeah it has hahaha).

[Deleted User] · December 2013

Hang in there, I went through a really hard break up before I met H and it's super hard to move through it all but you're doing a great job! Stay strong!

-How did you and your SO meet?

One of my sorority sisters grew up with H in the same neighborhood. When I met mutual friend in college, she still hung out with H all the time but I never met him until she introduced us the end of my senior year when a group of us went out that night. I thought he was a gentleman and very nice but I had a huge crush on a guy that was there with us that night as well so I basically ran away with the other guy. I felt bad about doing that a few weeks later so I told our mutual friend that I'd like to hang out with him again some way some how. So she told him to find me on Facebook and we started chatting there and met up a couple weeks later at a group outing again. We hit it off and from there on it was just H and I.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

Before I met H I was in a relationship for almost 3 years and that relationship started off on the wrong foot to begin with in my opinion. We met at a Halloween Party and we were drunk. Our relationship was very one-sided (His) and I felt as if he was dragging me away from the things I loved and valued. I found myself extremely unhappy and trying to make sure that he was happy all the time so I needed to change myself in order for that to happen. WRONG! Once I finally came to my senses 3 years later after an interesting argument we had over an important issue in my life, I ended things and boy was my mind ever clearer. I made a list of qualities that I want in a partner and I told myself that I'm never going to back on that list. I found that your happiness comes first and to never sacrifice that. When I met H, that list popped into my head right away and I believe that list kept my mind in the right place before I put myself into another relationship.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I would say look to your friends and family. Those were my biggest support system (God is my rock so I look to Him first in all my troubles but that's just me). I think keeping yourself happy and doing the things you love is a great way to keep your mind from the breakup. When I started dating my ex I wish I had known more about myself as a person definitely. I was pretty young and naive and I'm still pretty young but I know a lot more about myself know than I did when I met my ex.

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet? BF & I actually went to college together, but didn't really know each other. We had a lot of mutual friends, so we knew OF each other, but never hung out or anything. I had moved to NY in 2004 for a job, and had never intended on staying, in fact, I was applying and interviewing for jobs in Boston and back home in Maine for a couple years. In early 2011, I was on Match.com, and saw this guy who looked familiar - I emailed him and asked if he went to our college, and he said yes. He had just moved to NY for work himself. We emailed back & forth a few times, friended each other on Facebook, and then I started dating my ex, so that was it. I kept seeing him pop up though, because the first people he met when he moved here were people that I was friends with.

My ex & I broke up (for good) in June of 2012, and that fall, BF & I started exchanging Facebook comments about the Red Sox & Patriots & such. One Saturday, I was sitting at home alone & drank a bottle of wine, and decided I was going to ask him to hang out. I wrote on his wall "I think we need to have an upstate college reunion. What do you think?" He wrote back "Just the two of us? Works for me." He was actually in Michigan at the time, but he flew back Sunday morning, and we went and watched the Patriots game that afternoon. We've been together ever since.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

When my ex right before BF & I broke up, I was devastated. You can ask the ladies here - they helped me through that breakup SO SO much. He was from my hometown, we dated in high school, and had found our way back to each other. I was certain we were meant to be. At Christmastime, he told me to send him pictures of engagement rings that I wanted. A week before Valentine's Day, he fell off the face of the Earth. Like, just stopped calling, texting, returning my calls/texts. I called & told him that if I didn't hear from him the next day, I was done. And that's what happened.

It was terrible. I went from thinking this was the guy I was going to marry to just not hearing a word from him. However, I learned SO much about myself through the whole process. I really felt like I was never going to love anyone again. I felt so broken. I leaned very heavily on my friends, including several of the ladies here. I cried a lot, I drank a lot of wine, and eventually, I realized my life wasn't over. I tried to date here & there, but I wasn't ready yet. When I finally felt ready was when I emailed my now BF - and I've never looked back.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

I think the most important part is to not let yourself get hung up on the sadness & loneliness of it. Trying to date someone now would just be detrimental to both of you. Take this time for YOU. You're young, and smart, and beautiful - and keep telling yourself all of those things. Spend time with people who make you feel positive about yourself. Enjoy time with friends without feeling pressured to date anyone. You might get "oh, I know this great guy!" but if you don't feel like dating, tell them thanks, but no thanks. Also, spend time alone - really get to know yourself. You've been in a relationship for five years - that's a long time. I know it's a shock to now be "alone," but it's also a wonderful learning experience, and you will grow SO MUCH as a person, without even realizing it. You probably won't realize it until you are in your next important relationship, in fact.

I know that I wouldn't be who I am today without that heartbreak. It sucked, and there is a part of me that wishes I had never gone through it, but in the end, I'm almost thankful that I did. Because now I know what real, true love feels like. You'll get there. And we'll all be here to help you until you do.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?

DH and I met at Boston University Orientation. He was my Student Advisor and helped me pick my classes.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

Just because two people love each other doesn't mean they should be together longterm.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

Take deep breaths. Take it one day at a time. It's ok to cry, feel like shit, and question your decision to end things.

And, from personal experience, don't go and have sex with your ex now that you're broken up. It will only confuse you both and make the healing process longer.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I'm with @love2shop4shoes ... just because two people love each other doesn't mean they work together. and that's a hard lesson!

Sakalicious · December 2013

DH and I met the 2nd week of my freshman year of college in chemistry lab. He's a year older and he was the lab assistant for the class. We hung out as friends for a few months and then after the semester was over, we started dating. This story sounds so bad haha
My first big break up was really good for me because I found that I had really "merged" myself with my ex BF. I had all this time to explore my own interests and pursue things that I wanted to. I know it's hard, especially with the holidays, but try to enjoy just being you and doing what YOU want.

minskat30 · December 2013

@loves2shop4shoes has a great point there. And I "second"/"third"/"whatever" not sleeping with your Ex. Really doesn't help even if you think you have your emotions in check.

Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

Re: Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

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