Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Okay. So we got our rings. My boyfriend loves his, and I love mine. And he said to me he would get a second job if he had to to pay for it. I told him not to do that, and if it came down to that we'd return them before we have to pay the first part of the payment plan (13 days from today).

When I first saw my ring, I thought it was beautiful. But I knew, logically, that I couldn't afford it, and I would never have it, and I wasn't going to go into debt for a ring. So, I looked elsewhere. My search didn't really turn up anything, and whatever I looked at my mind always wandered back to the first ring. I saw a lot of gorgeous rings in my search but this one was different. It wasn't so much that it was prettier, or sparklier, or bigger. It was that it was the only ring I could see myself wearing every day for the rest of my life. It was the only one that matched what I envisioned when I saw myself married.

So, fast forward to last night when my boyfriend, out of nowhere, declares he thinks we should take the rings back. I don't argue. I just sit there, unsurprised, but upset. I know it's impractical to go into debt for a ring. I know that. And if he takes my ring back I won't cry, and I won't scream, or blame him, or get upset with him. But it feels like he's returning something invaluable to me.

I know the ring isn't what makes the wedding. I told him a million times I'd marry him if he proposed with a Ring Pop, or if he decided to go to the courthouse with me one day with no warning. I'd marry him under any circumstances. But I want to love my ring. I don't want to have some ring I got on clearance, that I don't even like in any way because we could easily afford it.

Between the two of us, we could potentially have this ring paid off in a year. We haven't set a wedding date, yet, and we're not even officially engaged, so we're not up against the clock or anything.

I don't want to force him to pay for a ring he doesn't feel comfortable buying. But I also want to go over our budget and come up with a plan and see if we could keep the rings.

I'm just wondering, I know never to go into debt for a wedding or a ring, but since the ring means so much to me already, and has sentimental value already, should I even try to do this?

Is the attachment I have to these rings worth it?

buddysmom80 · December 2013

Okay. So we got our rings. My boyfriend loves his, and I love mine. And he said to me he would get a second job if he had to to pay for it. I told him not to do that, and if it came down to that we'd return them before we have to pay the first part of the payment plan (13 days from today).

When I first saw my ring, I thought it was beautiful. But I knew, logically, that I couldn't afford it, and I would never have it, and I wasn't going to go into debt for a ring. So, I looked elsewhere. My search didn't really turn up anything, and whatever I looked at my mind always wandered back to the first ring. I saw a lot of gorgeous rings in my search but this one was different. It wasn't so much that it was prettier, or sparklier, or bigger. It was that it was the only ring I could see myself wearing every day for the rest of my life. It was the only one that matched what I envisioned when I saw myself married.

So, fast forward to last night when my boyfriend, out of nowhere, declares he thinks we should take the rings back. I don't argue. I just sit there, unsurprised, but upset. I know it's impractical to go into debt for a ring. I know that. And if he takes my ring back I won't cry, and I won't scream, or blame him, or get upset with him. But it feels like he's returning something invaluable to me.

I know the ring isn't what makes the wedding. I told him a million times I'd marry him if he proposed with a Ring Pop, or if he decided to go to the courthouse with me one day with no warning. I'd marry him under any circumstances. But I want to love my ring. I don't want to have some ring I got on clearance, that I don't even like in any way because we could easily afford it.

Between the two of us, we could potentially have this ring paid off in a year. We haven't set a wedding date, yet, and we're not even officially engaged, so we're not up against the clock or anything.

I don't want to force him to pay for a ring he doesn't feel comfortable buying. But I also want to go over our budget and come up with a plan and see if we could keep the rings.

I'm just wondering, I know never to go into debt for a wedding or a ring, but since the ring means so much to me already, and has sentimental value already, should I even try to do this?

Is the attachment I have to these rings worth it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To the bolded: no.

tuarceatha · December 2013

Hi.

I'm just wondering, I know never to go into debt for a wedding or a ring, but since the ring means so much to me already, and has sentimental value already, should I even try to do this?

I don't think you should feel attached to this ring. Money is important.

Is the attachment I have to these rings worth it?

Nah. There will be other things.

tuarceatha · December 2013

Also, I am currently listening to Blink 182. Weird, right?

buddysmom80 · December 2013

@tuarceatha currently the system we work with is down, so I'm listening to myself hit my head on the keyboard in frustration.

I should listen to some Blink 182 though.

tuarceatha · December 2013

@buddysmom80 Do it.

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

I'm feeling like this today for some reason, so I'm just going to walk away from this thread. Enjoy.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

LivLeighton said:

1) You can't be engaged to be engaged. Right now you're in a phase called DATING.

2) Part of being an adult is making hard financial choices. If that ring is the ring you desperately want, you and your boyfriend should start saving up for it and purchase it when you have enough cash, if you're both in agreement that that is a good investment (it sounds like you aren't).

Personally, I can't see going into debt over a ring, ever. Yes, you'll be wearing it forever, but there HAVE to be other rings out there that cost less. If it's a particular design you like, take a photo of it to a jeweler and see if they can recreate it using less expensive metal and a gemstone that's not a diamond.

1) This is just a joke between my boyfriend and I since we both know he's going to propose, I'm just in the dark about the details.

2) If it were just me who wanted to keep this ring, I would give it up and go look somewhere else. But I know he loves it. We'll talk about it when gets home from work, but it looks like we'll be looking somewhere else since honestly, the money freaks me out a little bit, too.

3) Before finding my ring I actually considered having a ring with an my birthstone. I momentarily thought about including his birthstone as well, then remembered "Oh, yeah. April is a diamond."

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

We'll be taking it back, today.

I think it's the best choice and I'll just try checking out jewelers that are more local as opposed to the chain store ones, which clearly have some more expensive rings.

cu97tiger · December 2013

blink177 said:

LivLeighton said:

1) You can't be engaged to be engaged. Right now you're in a phase called DATING.

2) Part of being an adult is making hard financial choices. If that ring is the ring you desperately want, you and your boyfriend should start saving up for it and purchase it when you have enough cash, if you're both in agreement that that is a good investment (it sounds like you aren't).

Personally, I can't see going into debt over a ring, ever. Yes, you'll be wearing it forever, but there HAVE to be other rings out there that cost less. If it's a particular design you like, take a photo of it to a jeweler and see if they can recreate it using less expensive metal and a gemstone that's not a diamond.

1) This is just a joke between my boyfriend and I since we both know he's going to propose, I'm just in the dark about the details.

2) If it were just me who wanted to keep this ring, I would give it up and go look somewhere else. But I know he loves it. We'll talk about it when gets home from work, but it looks like we'll be looking somewhere else since honestly, the money freaks me out a little bit, too.

3) Before finding my ring I actually considered having a ring with an my birthstone. I momentarily thought about including his birthstone as well, then remembered "Oh, yeah. April is a diamond."

1) Hmm, we couldn't have known it was a joke between the two of you and the phrase 'engaged to be engaged' is like waving a red flag in front of a bull around here, just fyi.

2) A couple things... I don't necessarily believe in going into debt for your ring(s), but I do think that if they are something you'll wear for decades, it's ok to say 'dividing x thousand dollars by 35 years = pennies' is ok to justify. At the same time, I don't see why you can't find that exact ring in another year. Take lots of pictures and bring it to a jeweler and voila, you'll have the same ring.

3) I wish my birthday was in April so I could use that excuse with DH. 'Hey honey, just get me a necklace with my birthstone in it for Christmas. Thanks!'

PS - I'm listening to the white noise in my office and wondering whether the air coming out of the vents is heat or AC.

buddysmom80 · December 2013

blink177 said:

LivLeighton said:

1) You can't be engaged to be engaged. Right now you're in a phase called DATING.

2) Part of being an adult is making hard financial choices. If that ring is the ring you desperately want, you and your boyfriend should start saving up for it and purchase it when you have enough cash, if you're both in agreement that that is a good investment (it sounds like you aren't).

Personally, I can't see going into debt over a ring, ever. Yes, you'll be wearing it forever, but there HAVE to be other rings out there that cost less. If it's a particular design you like, take a photo of it to a jeweler and see if they can recreate it using less expensive metal and a gemstone that's not a diamond.
1) This is just a joke between my boyfriend and I since we both know he's going to propose, I'm just in the dark about the details.

2) If it were just me who wanted to keep this ring, I would give it up and go look somewhere else. But I know he loves it. We'll talk about it when gets home from work, but it looks like we'll be looking somewhere else since honestly, the money freaks me out a little bit, too.

3) Before finding my ring I actually considered having a ring with an my birthstone. I momentarily thought about including his birthstone as well, then remembered "Oh, yeah. April is a diamond."

1) Hmm, we couldn't have known it was a joke between the two of you and the phrase 'engaged to be engaged' is like waving a red flag in front of a bull around here, just fyi.

2) A couple things... I don't necessarily believe in going into debt for your ring(s), but I do think that if they are something you'll wear for decades, it's ok to say 'dividing x thousand dollars by 35 years = pennies' is ok to justify. At the same time, I don't see why you can't find that exact ring in another year. Take lots of pictures and bring it to a jeweler and voila, you'll have the same ring.

3) I wish my birthday was in April so I could use that excuse with DH. 'Hey honey, just get me a necklace with my birthstone in it for Christmas. Thanks!'

PS - I'm listening to the white noise in my office and wondering whether the air coming out of the vents is heat or AC.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

To the bolded, co-signed, me.

My friend from HS, her birthday is in April and her grandmother used to give her birthstone jewelry all the time, I was so jealous. Hahaha.

tuarceatha · December 2013

blink177 said:

We'll be taking it back, today.

I think it's the best choice and I'll just try checking out jewelers that are more local as opposed to the chain store ones, which clearly have some more expensive rings.

Before you go, do you like Blink 182? More so, does your username have anything to do with them?

Dignity100 · December 2013

My FI and I started looking at rings probably in March or April. The ring I fell in love with was a bit higher than our budgeted amount. I looked at other rings, like you did, but none of them really got my attention. I then started thinking 'what if I put a cheaper stone in it - like moissanite and worry about the diamond later' - I asked FI what he thought and he didn't want to 'waste' the money if we were just going to upgrade it later. We ended up just saving up for it and I'm helping out with paying for it (in all reality - the ring is not out of budget, it's just they prefer to make the whole wedding set together so they fit perfect, so it's more than we expected to pay at one time).

I'm not sure if you could look at a cheaper stone or not? Does the store offer lay-away? How do you (this is a combined BF & you) feel about buying a lesser ring now and upgrading later?

Honestly - you said you don't have a set wedding date and you could afford the ring if you saved up for a year - so why not save up for the year and get it later?

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

Fuck, I'm back. I'm an April baby. I've never gotten birthstone jewelry. Sadface.

I DID, however, get lots of cubic zirconia. Because it looks the same. Duh.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Whoops! I'm going to keep my inside jokes to myself now (inside was probably a good indicator I should have anyway).

I kind of knew deep down I'd have to return it. Besides, thinking about it I don't necessarily want to associate my engagement/wedding ring with potential financial hardship. Whatever ring he gets me I'll love.

I intend to use that excuse as much as possible. "It's your birth stone! It represents you!"

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

tuarceatha said:

blink177 said:

We'll be taking it back, today.

I think it's the best choice and I'll just try checking out jewelers that are more local as opposed to the chain store ones, which clearly have some more expensive rings.

Before you go, do you like Blink 182? More so, does your username have anything to do with them?

I do like Blink 182 but my name is actually a combination of my middle name and initials! Lin is my middle name, so it spells out Blink.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Dignity100 said:

My FI and I started looking at rings probably in March or April. The ring I fell in love with was a bit higher than our budgeted amount. I looked at other rings, like you did, but none of them really got my attention. I then started thinking 'what if I put a cheaper stone in it - like moissanite and worry about the diamond later' - I asked FI what he thought and he didn't want to 'waste' the money if we were just going to upgrade it later. We ended up just saving up for it and I'm helping out with paying for it (in all reality - the ring is not out of budget, it's just they prefer to make the whole wedding set together so they fit perfect, so it's more than we expected to pay at one time).

I'm not sure if you could look at a cheaper stone or not? Does the store offer lay-away? How do you (this is a combined BF & you) feel about buying a lesser ring now and upgrading later?

Honestly - you said you don't have a set wedding date and you could afford the ring if you saved up for a year - so why not save up for the year and get it later?

I was told I could replace the diamonds with something else, maybe my birthstone, or white sapphire. I think he wants to propose soon, but he wants to have the ring before he does it. As far upgrading, I know if I said I was going to upgrade, I'd end up changing my mind because I'll prefer the sentimental value of the ring over changing it at all.

We were going to have it on a payment plan over the next year, so we could have it, and he could propose and I could wear it, but we wouldn't have to pay it all up front.

I guess now it's just a matter of, like I said, not wanting to associate my ring with financial hardship. We could afford it, but money would be tight. And if my ring puts stress on our relationship because of money, what's the point of having one?

tuarceatha · December 2013

blink177 said:

tuarceatha said:

blink177 said:

We'll be taking it back, today.

I think it's the best choice and I'll just try checking out jewelers that are more local as opposed to the chain store ones, which clearly have some more expensive rings.

Before you go, do you like Blink 182? More so, does your username have anything to do with them?

I do like Blink 182 but my name is actually a combination of my middle name and initials! Lin is my middle name, so it spells out Blink.

Cute.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

I think this is when my FI is happy I like weird gemstones like aquamarine over diamonds...

ShallowSeas · December 2013

Blink 182 FTW

They're my fave band. I like hearing them being talked about

tuarceatha · December 2013

severmilli12 said:

Blink 182 FTW

They're my fave band. I like hearing them being talked about

Omgosh! Remember when that ^ was the best music video?

And for Christmas!:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59pRkZag_OQ

Swazzle · December 2013

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

buddysmom80 · December 2013

You rang???

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@Swazzle, wait she's only 18? Where did I miss this?

Swazzle · December 2013

@Kait: In the GTKY thread:

blink177 said:
Screen Name: blink177
Age: 18
Significant Other's Age: 25
What You Do: Work at a restaurant/go to college
What SO Does: Works at a factory/goes to college
State of Relationship: Dating seriously. Going to be engaged very soon.
How Long You've Been Together: 3 years, this month.
How You Met: His brother invited me over to watch my favorite comedian to make up for being a jerk. I then Facebook messaged him announcing we were friends, now.
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): NEY, but we want to get married June 3rd of...some year.
Real Babies: None
Fur Babies: Two. Blue, the most laid back/snuggly cat in the world and Oscar, the kitten who's a menace to society (and my Christmas tree).
Loves: Food, video games, fashion, coffee, Chai tea lattes, comfortable sheets, being a student, debating politics with my friends.
Hates: Being awkward, gratuitous Facebook status updates, debating politics with my stepdad.
Pet Peeves: Intolerance, being interrupted while I'm speaking/being talked over.
Hobbies/Activities: I like to sing, play video games, cook and bake.
Favorite Thing About Your SO: He's the nicest person in the world.
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: He gets distracted by the TV really easily and very deeply, even if he doesn't like the show that's on.
Describe Your Personality: Realistic, sarcastic, intellectual, excitable.
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 7
I've Been On TK Since: About a month ago.
How You Came to Be On TK: Boyfriend told me to start planning a wedding, because he intended to propose, soon.
How I like my potatoes: In my mouth.
Favorite book/author: My favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird.
Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I'm auditioning for the Voice in January.

buddysmom80 · December 2013

@kait:

Screen Name: blink177
Age: 18
Significant Other's Age: 25
What You Do: Work at a restaurant/go to college
What SO Does: Works at a factory/goes to college
State of Relationship: Dating seriously. Going to be engaged very soon.
How Long You've Been Together: 3 years, this month.
How You Met: His brother invited me over to watch my favorite comedian to make up for being a jerk. I then Facebook messaged him announcing we were friends, now.
Wedding Date (if you're engaged/married): NEY, but we want to get married June 3rd of...some year.
Real Babies: None
Fur Babies: Two. Blue, the most laid back/snuggly cat in the world and Oscar, the kitten who's a menace to society (and my Christmas tree).
Loves: Food, video games, fashion, coffee, Chai tea lattes, comfortable sheets, being a student, debating politics with my friends.
Hates: Being awkward, gratuitous Facebook status updates, debating politics with my stepdad.
Pet Peeves: Intolerance, being interrupted while I'm speaking/being talked over.
Hobbies/Activities: I like to sing, play video games, cook and bake.
Favorite Thing About Your SO: He's the nicest person in the world.
Least Favorite Thing About Your SO: He gets distracted by the TV really easily and very deeply, even if he doesn't like the show that's on.
Describe Your Personality: Realistic, sarcastic, intellectual, excitable.
Snark Level (1 [low snark] - 10 [high snark]): 7
I've Been On TK Since: About a month ago.
How You Came to Be On TK: Boyfriend told me to start planning a wedding, because he intended to propose, soon.
How I like my potatoes: In my mouth.

Favorite book/author: My favorite book is To Kill A Mockingbird.

Tell Us Something Interesting About Yourself: I'm auditioning for the Voice in January.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

*facepalm* Thanks @buddysmom80 and @Swazzle.

"but we want to get married June 3rd of...some year."

That may be my favorite line. Or messaging on Facebook to announce 'we're friends, now."

Blackbird230 · December 2013

Swazzle · December 2013

bubbles053009 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

Not only that but she's been with her BF for 3 years and he's 25, meaning she was 15 and he was 22 when they started dating.

minskat30 · December 2013

Seriously? Just... no.

@Buddysmom80 and @BriSox81 - I don't know why that gets me every time. Thank you for the laugh.

Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

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