Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

ShallowSeas · December 2013

Why little girls want to rush into marriage is beyond me.

buddysmom80 · December 2013

@minskat30, @brisox81's Christ on a cracker is wayyyy better than mine. He's dancing!!!! Because it's his birthday month!

Dignity100 · December 2013

I missed the whole '18' thing too!!

tuarceatha · December 2013

When I was 18 I wanted to marry my ex. He was 19. But I wanted to marry him when I was 21. I also wanted to marry the guy I dated at 21. He was 20. WOOT.

CASK85 · December 2013

I am chiming in to say I always got birthstone jewelry as a kid and I hated it. Amethyst is mine. . .

But I love purple now, so maybe I should reconsider.

Swazzle · December 2013

severmilli12 said:

Why little girls want to rush into marriage is beyond me.

Weren't you like.. 22 when you got married?

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@severmilli12 isn't married yet @Swazzle? I thought she's 26 tomorrow. Or was there a first marriage?

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

Kait said:

@severmilli12 isn't married yet @Swazzle? I thought she's 26 tomorrow. Or was there a first marriage?

There was a first marriage.

ShallowSeas · December 2013

Swazzle said:

severmilli12 said:

Why little girls want to rush into marriage is beyond me.

Weren't you like.. 22 when you got married?

@swazzle 23. and too young. But i'm talking about high school girls who think they're gonna marry their boyfriends of 2 months. When I was in high school I knew several girls planning weddings already and I was like, really? o_O if you're 20 and planning to get married, go for it. But not in high school.

ShallowSeas · December 2013

Kait said:

@severmilli12 isn't married yet @Swazzle? I thought she's 26 tomorrow. Or was there a first marriage?

@Kait, I was married when I was 23, he cheated shortly before our 1 year anniversary and we divorced.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Glad to see you're all very welcoming to people of different backgrounds than you.

Yes, he was 22, and yes I made my parents sit down and have a long talk with him before we were allowed to date.

Yes, I'm 18. And we've been living together for over 2 years. Because my mom turned out to be addicted to meth and he took me in. My overprotective father even realizes that I was better off with him than anywhere else. You can judge me for being young, or judge my boyfriend for being old, and you can tell me I'm rushing into marriage, after 3 years of dating. But the fact is, wisdom doesn't always come from age. It often does, and I could appreciate your concern if it was in fact concern, but it isn't. You're not concerned that I'm making a mistake, you're annoyed with me for being at an age that you deem unacceptable for marriage. And honestly, I can see why you'd be wary. But the fact is, you don't understand the way my life has played out this far into my life, and you don't know my boyfriend. My friends were all concerned at the beginning of our relationship, too. They called him a child molester (even though we waited until the law was on our side), and they called me naive, but now that they know him, they realize how wrong they were.

I'm making the choice to spend the rest of my life with this man. And it's not so I can show off, and it's not so I can feel validated, and it's not so I have an excuse to wear jewelry and have a fancy party. It's because I love him very much, he's the only human being I've ever been able to completely be myself around.

My wisdom comes from my past and the fact that I had to grow up fast and take care of myself from a very young age, and he and I have had very similar experiences. You are not qualified to make judgments on my situation. You are qualified to be CONCERNED because yes, what you see is a young girl entering into what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment with someone 7 years older than herself. But you're not being concerned, you're being rude.

Had you not known my age or his, and you allowed me to post freely and coexist with you on this forum, you'd likely not have had a problem with our marriage. You're focusing on things that have nothing to do with who I am, or my relationship.

I'm not a little girl, but I can see why you might think that I was. A lot of girls are at this age. I'm not going to tell you "age is just a number" because it's not. The older you are the more opportunities you have to experience things and grow. Sadly, I've had a lot of intense experiences already.

So, yes. I'm young. Too young for most people to get married. But, I'm not most people. I'm myself. And I'm not exactly rushing into marriage. We've been dating for three years and planned to be engaged for at least two more.

Not everyone fits into the neat ideals of marriage that society now dictates. What you think is right for you isn't necessarily right for everyone. I can't believe some people still have to be told that.

ShallowSeas · December 2013

blink177 said:

Glad to see you're all very welcoming to people of different backgrounds than you.

Yes, he was 22, and yes I made my parents sit down and have a long talk with him before we were allowed to date.

Yes, I'm 18. And we've been living together for over 2 years. Because my mom turned out to be addicted to meth and he took me in. My overprotective father even realizes that I was better off with him than anywhere else. You can judge me for being young, or judge my boyfriend for being old, and you can tell me I'm rushing into marriage, after 3 years of dating. But the fact is, wisdom doesn't always come from age. It often does, and I could appreciate your concern if it was in fact concern, but it isn't. You're not concerned that I'm making a mistake, you're annoyed with me for being at an age that you deem unacceptable for marriage. And honestly, I can see why you'd be wary. But the fact is, you don't understand the way my life has played out this far into my life, and you don't know my boyfriend. My friends were all concerned at the beginning of our relationship, too. They called him a child molester (even though we waited until the law was on our side), and they called me naive, but now that they know him, they realize how wrong they were.

I'm making the choice to spend the rest of my life with this man. And it's not so I can show off, and it's not so I can feel validated, and it's not so I have an excuse to wear jewelry and have a fancy party. It's because I love him very much, he's the only human being I've ever been able to completely be myself around.

My wisdom comes from my past and the fact that I had to grow up fast and take care of myself from a very young age, and he and I have had very similar experiences. You are not qualified to make judgments on my situation. You are qualified to be CONCERNED because yes, what you see is a young girl entering into what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment with someone 7 years older than herself. But you're not being concerned, you're being rude.

Had you not known my age or his, and you allowed me to post freely and coexist with you on this forum, you'd likely not have had a problem with our marriage. You're focusing on things that have nothing to do with who I am, or my relationship.

I'm not a little girl, but I can see why you might think that I was. A lot of girls are at this age. I'm not going to tell you "age is just a number" because it's not. The older you are the more opportunities you have to experience things and grow. Sadly, I've had a lot of intense experiences already.

So, yes. I'm young. Too young for most people to get married. But, I'm not most people. I'm myself. And I'm not exactly rushing into marriage. We've been dating for three years and planned to be engaged for at least two more.

Not everyone fits into the neat ideals of marriage that society now dictates. What you think is right for you isn't necessarily right for everyone. I can't believe some people still have to be told that.

I'm not trying to be mean or tell you that you are wrong. Clearly, I don't know you, but I know that 18 is really, really young, whether you think it is or not. When I was 18 I had a serious BF as well. We had been together since I was 13. When I was 20 he proposed. When I was 23 we were married. It was a mistake. People change and you become a different person as you grow older. I'm not saying you two shouldn't get married, or that if you do it won't work out. I just know what i've learned from my mistake. At 20, I was way too young to be thinking about marriage, but i figured since we had been together so long, why not? I'm not saying don't do it, I'm saying be cognisant of the fact that you have a lot to learn still and a lot of growing to do as a person; educationally, financially, emotionally, ect. Enjoy being a couple. I've screwed up in this area before so all I can speak of are my mistakes and I grit my teeth when I see young girls going in the same direction I went in. That's all.

You sound intelligent. I hope things work out for you in whatever you do.

ETA: I also know that you are not me. And that my previous situation and your situation may not be anything a like.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

In the same post you saw that I was 18, it also mentioned that I have a job, and I'm going to college. Which I'm paying for. On my own. And I haven't lived with my parents in two years.

Did you just stop reading after that and proceed to make judgmental assumptions about my life?

CASK85 · December 2013

blink177 said:

Glad to see you're all very welcoming to people of different backgrounds than you.

Yes, he was 22, and yes I made my parents sit down and have a long talk with him before we were allowed to date.

Yes, I'm 18. And we've been living together for over 2 years. Because my mom turned out to be addicted to meth and he took me in. My overprotective father even realizes that I was better off with him than anywhere else. You can judge me for being young, or judge my boyfriend for being old, and you can tell me I'm rushing into marriage, after 3 years of dating. But the fact is, wisdom doesn't always come from age. It often does, and I could appreciate your concern if it was in fact concern, but it isn't. You're not concerned that I'm making a mistake, you're annoyed with me for being at an age that you deem unacceptable for marriage. And honestly, I can see why you'd be wary. But the fact is, you don't understand the way my life has played out this far into my life, and you don't know my boyfriend. My friends were all concerned at the beginning of our relationship, too. They called him a child molester (even though we waited until the law was on our side), and they called me naive, but now that they know him, they realize how wrong they were.

I'm making the choice to spend the rest of my life with this man. And it's not so I can show off, and it's not so I can feel validated, and it's not so I have an excuse to wear jewelry and have a fancy party. It's because I love him very much, he's the only human being I've ever been able to completely be myself around.

My wisdom comes from my past and the fact that I had to grow up fast and take care of myself from a very young age, and he and I have had very similar experiences. You are not qualified to make judgments on my situation. You are qualified to be CONCERNED because yes, what you see is a young girl entering into what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment with someone 7 years older than herself. But you're not being concerned, you're being rude.

Had you not known my age or his, and you allowed me to post freely and coexist with you on this forum, you'd likely not have had a problem with our marriage. You're focusing on things that have nothing to do with who I am, or my relationship.

I'm not a little girl, but I can see why you might think that I was. A lot of girls are at this age. I'm not going to tell you "age is just a number" because it's not. The older you are the more opportunities you have to experience things and grow. Sadly, I've had a lot of intense experiences already.

So, yes. I'm young. Too young for most people to get married. But, I'm not most people. I'm myself. And I'm not exactly rushing into marriage. We've been dating for three years and planned to be engaged for at least two more.

Not everyone fits into the neat ideals of marriage that society now dictates. What you think is right for you isn't necessarily right for everyone. I can't believe some people still have to be told that.

That is one of the most well stated arguments I have ever read from someone on this forum. I applaud you. I still raise an eyebrow at the age difference, especially given your young age when you first started dating, and at the "special snowflake" mentality that you're "not most people". That said, I think you sound like you've actually got your head on pretty straight - so I wish you luck.

mbross3 · December 2013

Woah, take a breath blink. I think you can see why knowing your and your BF's ages threw everyone for a loop. Most of us look back on ourselves at 16, 17, 18 and see how much we've changed since then. Moving in with you BF at 16 when he was already 23 seems like a HUGE red flag. Now, everyone's different and it seems like you were going through a lot at the time and I'm not saying that relationships with age differences don't work-- my BF is just shy of 9 years older than me, but we didn't start dating until I was much older than you are now (we've been together over 2 years and I just turned 26) and I had lived on my own for years beforehand, which I am grateful for everyday.

One thing that I cannot stress enough is how important it is to live on your own, take care of yourself, pay your own bills and learn to rely on yourself before committing to spend the rest of your life with another person. At that point, you're committing to not only taking care of yourself, but helping another person through life too--how can you do that without experiencing it on your own first?

You're 18. What's the harm in waiting a few years. Are you in college? That's a huge financial commitment. Don't get engaged if you're not ready to plan a wedding (or elopement, whatever you want) and recognize the financial burdens of that as well. It sounds like you love your BF a lot, if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, and he with you, than that won't change if you wait until you're done with school. Please realize that if you started dating at 15 --you're going to change so much by the time you're 25. Ask your BF if he thinks he's the same person he was in high school--I'd guess not.

You're going to do whatever you want. Please, just consider what is being said here. Many of these women are wise and have experiences that might not be exactly like yours, but that you can learn from. You are young and have so much time to figure out who you are and what you want--don't rush into something without having those answers first.

If nothing else said rings any bells for you hopefully this will:

Why in the world would you get married before you can drink champagne at your own wedding?!

edited for typo

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

I completely recognize that 18 is a super young age to get married. That's why I don't want to get married at 18. I want to get married in the near future, but not the year after I graduate.

The age difference makes everyone nervous at first, and I understand why. It's not that I'm totally different from everyone else in the world, it's just that sometimes, it gets incredibly frustrating that my relationship is judged based how other girls my age behave. I don't take marriage lightly, and I know that's how a lot of people feel about young brides.

loves2shop4shoes · December 2013

Well… I'll be.

This is the best stated response to, "HOLY SHIT, You're 18?!" I've ever read.

That being said, OP, 18 is YOUNG to be getting married. I'm not telling you not to…I'm just telling you that marriage is a complicated beast, and the best way to enter into it is prepared.

I'd recommend a LOT of premarital counseling. And I'd recommend making SURE that you're getting married because you both want to spend the REST of your lives together…not just because it might seem like the next step.

Good luck to you.

Swazzle · December 2013

blink177 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

In the same post you saw that I was 18, it also mentioned that I have a job, and I'm going to college. Which I'm paying for. On my own. And I haven't lived with my parents in two years.

Did you just stop reading after that and proceed to make judgmental assumptions about my life?

Considering I'm not a freaking mind-reader, I was not aware that you didn't live at home with your parents for "2 years". Sorry, didn't take that pill today.

What I meant by "go to college or get a job" was: gainful employment to pay for your own living expenses or go to college to achieve this. Again, not a mind-reader.

We know what you tell us. And what you had told us up until that point is what I was addressing.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Swazzle said:

blink177 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

In the same post you saw that I was 18, it also mentioned that I have a job, and I'm going to college. Which I'm paying for. On my own. And I haven't lived with my parents in two years.

Did you just stop reading after that and proceed to make judgmental assumptions about my life?

Considering I'm not a freaking mind-reader, I was not aware that you didn't live at home with your parents for "2 years". Sorry, didn't take that pill today.

What I meant by "go to college or get a job" was: gainful employment to pay for your own living expenses or go to college to achieve this. Again, not a mind-reader.

We know what you tell us. And what you had told us up until that point is what I was addressing.

I didn't expect you to know that I hadn't lived with my parents for a while, I was stating that fact.

The post that states my age also contains the information that I have a job and that I'm going to college. You don't have to be a mind reader. You simply had to scroll down.

Blackbird230 · December 2013

@blink177, the one thing I still worry about is that you're using your relationship to get away from your own problems. You mentioned your mother and father and how neither of them are particularly good for you. Your BF seems like your savior right now. I just want you to also think of yourself and who you are. I definitely agree with PPs that people change. Just be aware of that.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

Kait said:

@blink177, the one thing I still worry about is that you're using your relationship to get away from your own problems. You mentioned your mother and father and how neither of them are particularly good for you. Your BF seems like your savior right now. I just want you to also think of yourself and who you are. I definitely agree with PPs that people change. Just be aware of that.

I've thought about that a lot. One thing I want to make sure is that I don't marry him because I feel like I owe him something. My dad and I have a rather good relationship, actually. And since moving out of my mom's house I have no further problems. At least not of the same caliber. He has done a lot for me, but I know after thinking about it (I do mean in depth. Like, since I first moved in with him) that that isn't the only thing holding our relationship together. I know I'm not really mature enough for marriage, yet. But I know that when I'm ready, if he'll have me, there's no better choice of life partner than my boyfriend.

mbross3 · December 2013

blink177 said: Kait said: @blink177, the one thing I still worry about is that you're using your relationship to get away from your own problems. You mentioned your mother and father and how neither of them are particularly good for you. Your BF seems like your savior right now. I just want you to also think of yourself and who you are. I definitely agree with PPs that people change. Just be aware of that. "I've thought about that a lot. One thing I want to make sure is that I don't marry him because I feel like I owe him something. My dad and I have a rather good relationship, actually. And since moving out of my mom's house I have no further problems. At least not of the same caliber. He has done a lot for me, but I know after thinking about it (I do mean in depth. Like, since I first moved in with him) that that isn't the only thing holding our relationship together. I know I'm not really mature enough for marriage, yet. But I know that when I'm ready, if he'll have me, there's no better choice of life partner than my boyfriend."

This is really smart. It sounds like you're thinking a lot about this and as PP have said, you sound intelligent. Someone else said it, but consider pre-marital counseling. Going to counseling doesn't mean anything is wrong it's just another way of making sure you and your BF are on the same page about your marriage and future.

Best of luck to you!

Swazzle · December 2013

blink177 said:

Swazzle said:

blink177 said:

Swazzle said:

You are 18 years old. Go to college or get a job. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Have fun.

Christ on a cracker I can't anymore.

In the same post you saw that I was 18, it also mentioned that I have a job, and I'm going to college. Which I'm paying for. On my own. And I haven't lived with my parents in two years.

Did you just stop reading after that and proceed to make judgmental assumptions about my life?

Considering I'm not a freaking mind-reader, I was not aware that you didn't live at home with your parents for "2 years". Sorry, didn't take that pill today.

What I meant by "go to college or get a job" was: gainful employment to pay for your own living expenses or go to college to achieve this. Again, not a mind-reader.

We know what you tell us. And what you had told us up until that point is what I was addressing.

I didn't expect you to know that I hadn't lived with my parents for a while, I was stating that fact.

The post that states my age also contains the information that I have a job and that I'm going to college. You don't have to be a mind reader. You simply had to scroll down.

Yes, I can read, thanks.

The point was to worry about these things instead of being focused on getting married at the age of 18. Apparently you're not getting that, though.

GoldenPenguin · December 2013

Can I just ask (and I am not trying to be bitchy/snarky/whatever, I'm genuinely curious) how a 22-year-old man met and became interested in a 15-year-old girl, and how the conversation went with your parents in which they decided that it was okay?

1. I don't think I had anyway of meeting 22-year-olds when I was 15, and 2. My dad would have drop kicked the dude into Canada, so I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

Dignity100 · December 2013

I don't know where to go with this - I should shut up but I'm not always that smart.

Reading your age and that you're in college and have a job doesn't tell us that you're living in a place other than your home. When I was 18 - in college - had a job - I lived in the dorm rooms, I wouldn't expect people to infer that from a simple 'intro' thread.

You're 18 - be young, have fun, have some life experiences before you settle down - doesn't mean you can't do those things with your BF, but don't forget to let yourself figure out who you are! I think many of us have said that the person we would have picked for ourselves to marry at 18 is not the same person we would have picked for us to marry at 25.

knottie53473538cf946e9c · December 2013

BriSox81 said:

Can I just ask (and I am not trying to be bitchy/snarky/whatever, I'm genuinely curious) how a 22-year-old man met and became interested in a 15-year-old girl, and how the conversation went with your parents in which they decided that it was okay?

1. I don't think I had anyway of meeting 22-year-olds when I was 15, and 2. My dad would have drop kicked the dude into Canada, so I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I was (still am) friends with his younger brother. I met him when I was invited over to their house to hang out, and we kind of knew each other a little already because he used to come to movies with us sometimes, and such. Then we started talking, in a completely platonic way, and after a couple of months we realized we really liked each other. Of course, we figured there was no way could ever day, so we tried to just be friends, still. Then finally we decided we might as well at least try and so I told my mom, then my dad, and they kind of freaked out, naturally. So I made them a deal that they had to at least meet him and have dinner with him before they said we had to stop talking or anything like that, and if they didn't think I should date him after that I wouldn't.

They decided he was a good guy and I was allowed to start dating him officially. And now my whole family loves him.

I can understand your curiosity. It does seem rather frightening to imagine an older man like, skulking around a high school to meet women, or something equally creepy.

Swazzle · December 2013

Dignity100 said:

I don't know where to go with this - I should shut up but I'm not always that smart.

Reading your age and that you're in college and have a job doesn't tell us that you're living in a place other than your home. When I was 18 - in college - had a job - I lived in the dorm rooms, I wouldn't expect people to infer that from a simple 'intro' thread.

You're 18 - be young, have fun, have some life experiences before you settle down - doesn't mean you can't do those things with your BF, but don't forget to let yourself figure out who you are! I think many of us have said that the person we would have picked for ourselves to marry at 18 is not the same person we would have picked for us to marry at 25.

Thank you for making my point so much better than I did! I'm not having my way with words today, apparently.

minskat30 · December 2013

You seem articulate but why get engaged when you yourself said you know you are "not really mature enough for marriage"? Sounds like you've been through a lot in your life as well. Have you gone to a therapist or counselor at all to work through your past? I always hestitate when people say they are mature because of their screwed up past. Going through a lot in your past doesn't always make you mature. Sometimes it makes you a survivor, yes, but, usually, it also screws you up more than the average bear. (Saying this from my own first hand experience).

cu97tiger · December 2013

I'm stuck on two things: you've never lived on your own. That's a HUGE red flag for me. You learn things you CANNOT LEARN from living with someone else who is supporting you. I realize there may be other ladies on here who went right from their parents house to their marital house, and I'm not judging. I'm just saying if you have the CHOICE to live on your own before getting married, you should 100% do it.

Secondly, I dated a 19-year old when I was 15. It was borderline creepy at that point. A 22 year old man being romantically interested in a 15 year old also sends up red flags. The 23 year old man who thinks it's a good idea to bring his 16 year old girlfriend into his house to live sounds even worse.

phira · December 2013

Yeah, I was a pretty smart kid when I was 18, but I was still a kid. Add in the fact that this was a 22-year-old dating a 15-year-old, and I seriously question this relationship. Not from the standpoint of, "This young woman doesn't know what's good for her," but from the standpoint of, "UMM I don't think I would want to marry a guy who was into children."

Engaged to be engaged: What should I do about my ring?

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