Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

csousa1 · December 2013

I was about where you are at this time last year. You weren't around when I was a solid reg and still with my ex, but trust me when I say our relationip (and breakup) were a big part of this board for a long time. I've never been in such pain in my entire life, and these ladies were AMAZING in helping me through it. Seriously.....they shipped me cupcakes.

I think the hardest part for me was being SO SURE he was it - he wasn't my first serious relationship, we weren't naive and in puppy love when we started dating, it was real and it was grown up and it was (mostly) amazing. And we had this gorgeous, glossy future planned. And we had each other. Suddenly having a gaping hole where all that used to be literally felt like it might give me a stroke sometimes. Suffice to say - I get it!

-How did you and your SO meet?

I am still currently single, by choice, and it's been a little over a year. I am a huge proponent of waiting a WHILE before getting into a relationship. I've dated and actually done some online dating, but mostly I view it as entertaining and getting myself out there and haven't taken things too seriously - and I certainly didn't start that right away. I feel now like I would be ready if the right guy came along, and I'm so glad for the time alone I've had. I'm also fiercely against being in a relationship just for the sake of it, or because people expect it, or because you're lonely. You will still be lonely if you're with the wrong person - and that actually feels a whole lost worse than being lonely alone. I think your outlook on waiting is 100% spot on.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I have learned so much about myself since this breakup it's crazy. I never realized how much I was depending on my ex for my own happiness - and he on me - until I was responsible for it myself again. NO ONE can make you sustainably happy when you haven't actively chosen to be on your own. You have to be satisfied and comfortable and choose to be happy regardless of what is going on around you - happiness is not circumstancial. This doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have bad days, or get mad or sad or grieve or yell sometimes, but it does mean you need to change things if you can't honestly say deep down you are a happy and fulfilled person.

I also learned how to live in the moment - there is nothing like heartbreak that will teach you this lesson. You're forced to live in the moment because thinking of the past is excruciating and thinking of the future is terrifying - not to mention completely fruitless. All of my life I have struggled with this because I get SO excited about things and how I think they will turn out in my mind, and when reality didn't match up with the vision I felt this schism that gave me anxiety. I was literally doing it entirely to myself - and I don't just mean with big stuff, I mean like Christmas and day-to-day things as well. It's entirely within your own control to prevent this, and it feels so amazing once you get in the swing of it.

I learned that I don't believe in "The One" or "meant to be". I do believe that there are probably a handful of people that are put on the earth that are potential soulmates, and that you very well may end up being with more than one of them. I think had certain things gone differently, my ex and I absolutely could have figured it out and been very happy together for the rest of our lives. But things didn't go differently, and that's ok too. Now maybe when I meet the next potential soulmate, he and I will both have our shit more figured out and be more self-aware from the get-go so that things WILL go differently, and just maybe they'll be a little easier.

Finally, I learned that the old saying is true - you cannot have successful love when you don't truly love yourself first. This ties in a lot with the ownership of your happiness. My ex never really loved himself, and when we met and fell in love and he saw what he could be like when he was truly happy, he attributed all of that to me. When a lot of bad stuff happened in his life anyway and he realized I couldn't magically fix all the crap the world was going to throw at him, he pretty much shut down. Had he been stronger on his own and seen his own worth outside of me, that may not have happened, and he might have had the balls to face life head-on. So, you can truly love someone if you don't love yourself, but love for another really isn't enough.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

It will get better. No really, it will. I'm sure you already "know" that, but knowing it and really believing it are two different things. And in this phase right now it is pretty much impossible to really believe. I'll let you in on a secret - that's ok. You don't have to convince yourself of it - part of what you're going through requires you to doubt all kinds of shit, and come out on the other side of it. This doesn't make it any less true that it WILL get better.

It feels right now like you want to hide from your heartbreak and get away from it somehow, distract yourself until you wake up and it's over. But you will look back on this and want to give your heartbreak a hug, for all it will show you, for everything it will teach you, and for the person it will help you become. Everyone else's advice to take this time for you and be selfish and become re-acquainted with YOU is excellent advice, and I'm sure you will take it. I never thought I would say that I would be grateful for what I went through - I felt like my time had been completely wasted and the best I would ever be able to say about the breakup was that I got through it. But I can honestly say that I now realize it probably couldn't have happened in any other way and had this affect on my life - and I am happy about that.

It sounds to me like maybe you miss the relationship and the idea of him more than HIM, in which case all this advice may not be exactly in line with what you're going through. But, regardless, it helped me to know about things other people had come through and so I figured I would share my story (epically long as it is - sorry).

Also - single NEY ladies unite

Dignity100 · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)
I was with my ex. I had started a new job and met FI, he worked in the same department as me. At first I thought he was dorky. Basically from there my story is the same as @smalfrie19. My ex wasn't abusive, just didn't treat me how I wanted to be treated. FI treated me way better and we weren't even dating!

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?
Basically - I wasn't being treated like I wanted to be. I feel my ex was looking for more of a mother figure and I didn't want that role, I wanted a partner. I don't feel my ex respected me and I feel he put his 'wants/needs' before any of my own. Basically - he just wasn't the right guy for me and I wasn't happy. I let that go on for a long long time. I thought I was helping him by letting him stay because I was providing a roof over his head and all that, but I was basically putting my life on hold - which wasn't right. In my mind - the relationship was really over quite a bit longer before the actual break up occurred - I'm not sure that he felt that way as I am the one that broke it off.

While I was dating him, I lost a LOT of my friends because he didn't want me going out with them. We would go to a movie and he would make a big stink about how he wanted to go with me. It became easier for me just to turn down the invites from friends over being yelled at for going out with them - so most of them stopped inviting me to do stuff and even today I have a very very very small amount of friends because of all the friendships I lost from that relationship. The friends that were there when ex and I broke up told me after the fact they thought he was all wrong for me.

I want to point out that these are my opinions of my ex - I don't think he was a BAD guy, he just wasn't the right guy for me.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life
In my case, the person I picked at 20 was not the same person I would have picked at 25 or 30. In life, sometimes interests and values shift and sometimes they shift too far out of alignment with an SO that you do have to say good-bye.

Right now - I see how FI balances me out and how he compliments my personality (I hope I do the same for him). My parents were against me breaking up with my ex; but even after a few months they came out and said 'we shouldn't be saying this, but we like the new guy better and you seem way happier and you don't complain about him' (My ex, I would always complain to my family about).

smalfrie19 · December 2013

Dignity100 said:

-How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)
I was with my ex. I had started a new job and met FI, he worked in the same department as me. At first I thought he was dorky. Basically from there my story is the same as @smalfrie19. My ex wasn't abusive, just didn't treat me how I wanted to be treated. FI treated me way better and we weren't even dating!

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?
Basically - I wasn't being treated like I wanted to be. I feel my ex was looking for more of a mother figure and I didn't want that role, I wanted a partner. I don't feel my ex respected me and I feel he put his 'wants/needs' before any of my own. Basically - he just wasn't the right guy for me and I wasn't happy. I let that go on for a long long time. I thought I was helping him by letting him stay because I was providing a roof over his head and all that, but I was basically putting my life on hold - which wasn't right. In my mind - the relationship was really over quite a bit longer before the actual break up occurred - I'm not sure that he felt that way as I am the one that broke it off.

While I was dating him, I lost a LOT of my friends because he didn't want me going out with them. We would go to a movie and he would make a big stink about how he wanted to go with me. It became easier for me just to turn down the invites from friends over being yelled at for going out with them - so most of them stopped inviting me to do stuff and even today I have a very very very small amount of friends because of all the friendships I lost from that relationship. The friends that were there when ex and I broke up told me after the fact they thought he was all wrong for me.

I want to point out that these are my opinions of my ex - I don't think he was a BAD guy, he just wasn't the right guy for me.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life
In my case, the person I picked at 20 was not the same person I would have picked at 25 or 30. In life, sometimes interests and values shift and sometimes they shift too far out of alignment with an SO that you do have to say good-bye.

Right now - I see how FI balances me out and how he compliments my personality (I hope I do the same for him). My parents were against me breaking up with my ex; but even after a few months they came out and said 'we shouldn't be saying this, but we like the new guy better and you seem way happier and you don't complain about him' (My ex, I would always complain to my family about).

this sounds a lot like my ex. he didn't like me going shopping with my friends and text me off the hook and called me when I didn't answer. and my sister NEVER came over when I was living with my ex...but when we broke up she started coming over like once or twice a week with my nephew..I loved it!

Vintagelove4 · December 2013

How did you and your SO meet? (I know this comes up like every two months, but I love hearing these stories! And it would be incredibly uplifting right about now.)

When I was little my parents took me up to South Dakota, we lived in Colorado, to meet all the family and family friends. H's parent's are good friends with my parents. According to his mom, H was fascinated with my red hair and wouldn't leave me alone so I hit him with a toy train. 18 years of being best friends and almost 3 years of dating later we're married.

What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?
I dated a wonderful guy for six years. We started dating when neither of us really knew what dating was. He took me out to eat, for movies, bowling; that sort of stuff. We were hardly seen without each other and I could talk to him about almost everything. One day I realized that we really didn't have any romantic interest in each other at all. So I broke it off with him which broke his heart and I felt really bad but it was the right thing to do. I spent three years single just figuring myself out. What I wanted in life, my morals, and who I was as a person. It was lonely at first but my best friends, one of which was H, really helped me through it. Ex on the other hand jumped straight into another relationship and is now married to what we refer to as the wicked-witch-of-the-west. Seriously this women is just yuck. Ex-bf is still a great friend and he ,and the wicked-witch, were even at our wedding.

Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?
Surround yourself with great friends and family! The first few weeks I didn't talk or hang out with anyone and I was really depressed.
Maybe do something a bit crazy like get a drastic hair cut or piercing. I did both and it helped me feel like I was starting a new chapter. Probably not the best solution though.

Edit: spelling and grammar

Vintagelove4 · December 2013

@Amapola14 There's also a 'How did you meet your husband?' thread currently going on over on TN.

CLoGreenEyes · December 2013

AGH. I've been trying to get back to this thread all day. Lots of smiles came from your posts. All I got to left to say is

and also

Pepperally · December 2013

SO and I met online. We met up about a week after contacting each other. I was sort of still getting over someone else so he was patient with me and even let me vent. Eventually I realized that he was very much what I wanted in a partner and I forgot about the last guy. He was actually getting over someone as well, so we were very much on the same page in the beginning. We started with a great friendship (but there were sparks when we first met as well).

My most significant relationship that ended was someone I was engaged to and was six months away from the wedding date when the crap hit the fan. I realized, and he confessed, that he really didn't want to get married. I knew I couldn't continue, and we did try to work on things but it was apparent he really wasn't going to put forth any effort. I realized that it was the best decision I ever made for myself. I realized I was pretty much taking care of him, that it wasn't an equal partnership. A part of me pitied him that his upbringing wasn't as stable as I had. It's definitely the social worker in me. I realized I would never again be with someone who was not my equal, who was putting into the relationship what I was, and that I wanted to find someone I wasn't trying to fix. I realized I was pretty much depressed and had low self-esteem at that I was with him for the wrong reasons. I was so thankful I had the courage to end it that the night before the day I was supposed to get married, I got a tattoo that symbolizes (to me) good and healthy and wise decisions.

Lessons I've learned: Always have others in your life...have a support system...never let that person be your only form of support. Not that you're there yet, but make sure when you do start to date again that you are not settling...it's a waste of time and emotion (not saying that you did, just my own thoughts/lessons learned). Animals can help occupy your time and keep you accountable when you are feeling down. Take the time to find hobbies that you will enjoy no matter if you are single or when you eventually do meet someone...something you can really call your own.

CarolinaPeach13 · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?

Through friends in college!
-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

Most importantly, RESPECT and TRUST are the most important things to have in a relationship. If you don't have these, it'll never work, no matter how hard you try. My first "relationship" (in quotes because a) I was a young teenager and b) it was mostly based on texting/online communication. We rarely saw each other) ended because of his total lack of respect for me. I wasn't allowed to meet his family and they weren't allowed to meet mine. I wasn't even allowed to be Facebook friends with his brothers. If I wanted to see him, it was a neutral location. Great relationship, right? I ended up cheating on him, and I still regret how I handled that. At the time, I felt trapped and threatened and needed an out. Although I should have just plain dumped him, I learned a lot about myself and became a much stronger person! I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself and learned to never take name calling or threats, no matter how much I believe I deserve them. Don't ever take less than a respectful, kind, loving, ambitious man who knows exactly what he has when he's with you! Also, NO CONTACT is so important! Being young (well, younger than I am now), dumb, and mentally messed up, I kept contact with my ex. He ended up sending me really nasty texts at 4am the day he found out I had a new (my current) BF. It was horrible, and a terrible way to start out a new relationship.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

Take your time getting over it! Eat a gallon of ice cream, watch sappy chick flicks (and some funny ones!), splurge on something you really want, cry about the things you miss about him, and complain to your friends about all the bad things. Just take time to learn about yourself, what you want in life and a relationship, and move on in your own time.

Sorry that's so long and emotional

I've been needing to get some of that out for years!

Hummingbird125 · December 2013

csousa1 said:

@Amapola14

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

It will get better. No really, it will. I'm sure you already "know" that, but knowing it and really believing it are two different things. And in this phase right now it is pretty much impossible to really believe. I'll let you in on a secret - that's ok. You don't have to convince yourself of it - part of what you're going through requires you to doubt all kinds of shit, and come out on the other side of it. This doesn't make it any less true that it WILL get better.

It feels right now like you want to hide from your heartbreak and get away from it somehow, distract yourself until you wake up and it's over. But you will look back on this and want to give your heartbreak a hug, for all it will show you, for everything it will teach you, and for the person it will help you become. Everyone else's advice to take this time for you and be selfish and become re-acquainted with YOU is excellent advice, and I'm sure you will take it. I never thought I would say that I would be grateful for what I went through - I felt like my time had been completely wasted and the best I would ever be able to say about the breakup was that I got through it. But I can honestly say that I now realize it probably couldn't have happened in any other way and had this affect on my life - and I am happy about that.

It sounds to me like maybe you miss the relationship and the idea of him more than HIM, in which case all this advice may not be exactly in line with what you're going through. But, regardless, it helped me to know about things other people had come through and so I figured I would share my story (epically long as it is - sorry).

Also - single NEY ladies unite

Just gotta say, this is beautifully written and should be saved and referenced whenever needed. +1000 internet points for @csousa1

FutureMr&MrsG · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?

We met at a club. I was out celebrating a friends birthday and he happend to be there with a friend. He came over and was talking to one of the ladies I was with, (it was his cousins wife.) Later that night his friend approcahed me and said that his friend was shy but that he thought I was pretty and wanted to talk to me. I went over to him and started talking, we excahnged numbers and talked until 6am that night/morning.

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end?

I was with my ex for 7 years before we finally broke up and I was single for almost 5 years before I met my current BF. I stayed in a relationship that I was not truly happy in because I was comfortable and afraid of being alone. I used to think of it as I was surviving, not living if that makes sense.

I tried to leave several times and just couldn't do it, one day I guess I was just ready and I told him I planned to move out and get my own place. I was scared and it was a struggle at first. I was upset and lonely even though I was the one who decided to end the relationship. Now, my only regret is not doing it sooner. I believe everyone deserves to be happy and should never stay in an relationship that is bringing you anything but happiness. We were friends before we got together and are actually really good friends now. We just were not compatable as a couple.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

My advice is to enjoy some time for yourself and with your friends/family. I wish I had understood that I was stronger than I thought I was and that I didn't need to stay with someone just because we had been together for a long time and I was afraid of starting over. I spent almost 5 years after my break up just having fun and enjoying life and one night I unexpectedly met the man who I know I will spend the rest of my life with.

It takes time, but you will feel better

csousa1 · December 2013

Hummingbird125 said:

csousa1 said:

@Amapola14

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life?

It will get better. No really, it will. I'm sure you already "know" that, but knowing it and really believing it are two different things. And in this phase right now it is pretty much impossible to really believe. I'll let you in on a secret - that's ok. You don't have to convince yourself of it - part of what you're going through requires you to doubt all kinds of shit, and come out on the other side of it. This doesn't make it any less true that it WILL get better.

It feels right now like you want to hide from your heartbreak and get away from it somehow, distract yourself until you wake up and it's over. But you will look back on this and want to give your heartbreak a hug, for all it will show you, for everything it will teach you, and for the person it will help you become. Everyone else's advice to take this time for you and be selfish and become re-acquainted with YOU is excellent advice, and I'm sure you will take it. I never thought I would say that I would be grateful for what I went through - I felt like my time had been completely wasted and the best I would ever be able to say about the breakup was that I got through it. But I can honestly say that I now realize it probably couldn't have happened in any other way and had this affect on my life - and I am happy about that.

It sounds to me like maybe you miss the relationship and the idea of him more than HIM, in which case all this advice may not be exactly in line with what you're going through. But, regardless, it helped me to know about things other people had come through and so I figured I would share my story (epically long as it is - sorry).

Also - single NEY ladies unite

Just gotta say, this is beautifully written and should be saved and referenced whenever needed. +1000 internet points for @csousa1

@Hummingbird125 Awww thank you!

CLI242009 · December 2013

-How did you and your SO meet?
He was my childhood's friend's boyfriend. I found out they were together in 2004. Got to know him and became friends with him. In 2006 she broke his heart and I didn't agree with what she did. So I am no longer friends with her and continued to be his friend. I ended up getting my own heart broken just before christmas of the same year. He was my shoulder to cry on. Through our friendship I ended up falling for him sometime mid 2007. He couldn't say the words back to me....but surprised me for Christmas by saying the words back to me.

Throughout 2008 we planned and decided we had to meet face to face. Oh yeah all of this was long distance. He was in NY, I was in CA. Same as my friend. She went out to NY twice before their relationship ended. Anyways, we decide we have to meet before we can take our relationship any more serious or any further. He came out Feb 2009....I've been with him ever since.

Since that day we have shared many firsts together, including THAT first, for both of us =^_^=

-What successes, insights, etc. did you have as a result of having a significant relationship end? I ended a relationship in high school. I know it's not a big thing (high school) but I ended the relationship & my mother was against it and kept telling me I was making a mistake. Further the arguments and it was first glimpse of if my parents didn't accept or like the guy I was with, I was going to have some serious problems. They basically had this mindset of it's either their way or it's wrong.

Which in fact did happen. I moved from CA to NY in 2010 to be with my sweetie. Our wedding is Feb 2014 and my parents have yet to meet him. They refused to meet him when he came out to CA in 2009.

-Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions for me as someone for whom this is the first big break-up? Discover yourself. Figure out what you want in life. What is important to you. This is my experience but don't set goals as if they were a countdown or a timeline: example - if i am not married by 30...or if i don't have a kid by 33...etc. I did this because that was expected of me. Once I got out of that thinking (and I still struggle with it a little today) I am much happier with my life. My FI and I do set goals but not things like that. If we have kids, it'll happen but life can get in the way and you might not be prepared to do certain things, but just because you're not on track of some kind of deadline doesn't mean it still can't happen.

-What do you wish you had known or understand at this point in your own life? Just how blind I was to many things regarding my family....especially my other.

raw1299 · December 2013

I met my husband online- specifically Myspace- back in 2006!

My last long term relationship was with a guy for 18 months. I was in high school. I found out that he started dating another girl from a different high school. Needless to say, I dumped his ass, and I found out through the grape vine that she became pregnant 2 months later, at the age of 15! So happy that I dumped him and that wasn't me having that baby.

My brother was with a girl for 4+ years, they were engaged, and she broke it off right in the middle of planning the wedding. My brother was a wreck for a really long time. About 7-8 months later he started dating another woman, whom he instantly clicked with, 1.5 years later they are engaged, and they are getting married this April

Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

Re: Tell me some good stories, please! (And also give me the hard-to-hear words of wisdom, please.)

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