RSVP Ridiculous?

crisscrossKG · December 2013

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PolarBearFitz · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

The venue for the reception does not allow the left over food from the wedding to be taken home. It is required that we purchase the food from them if we have them as our venue, and it is the perfect space aside from that small detail. Since the wedding food is obviously expensive, and for example we don't want to order 22 trays of food when we only need 18 when the difference can be up to a couple hundred dollars.

On the RSVPs, we asked how many people for that family are RSVP-ing, and of that number how many children under 10 years old are attending, how many teenagers/young adults are attending, how many adults, and how many senior adults are attending. The reasoning is that children under 10 and senior adults are going to most likely eat less than the teenagers and young adults or adults. It seemed like a reasonable thing for the sake of having a better idea for numbers and what to expect to order the right amount of food.

My mother and I checked with our elderly family members to make sure it would not be offensive (we aren't asking them their exact age or anything and I feel like if they are elderly they probably know they are elderly...) and so we thought everything was fine. The groom's family (not the actual elderly people but a bunch of other family members) was highly offended and the entire thing has become this huge deal when it was just a small detail to try to get a better count on numbers for ordering food. My family (especially the older ones) now think his family is ridiculous for being so offended.

Did we break an unspoken rule about etiquette? How can this be smoothed over?

I am not sure on the etiquette rules for this but I would assume that's a bad call. You are judging how much people will eat based upon their age?

I know some young kids who can pack in some food. Most brides do leave a separate place for children as meals are often different for them. There is sometimes a child option for those under 10. Not sure if you have this option but it is often there.

As for your take on the elderly, I know some 'senior adults' that can put away some grub! I really do not understand how age would correlate with the amount of food your 'older' guests consume.

It seems rather rude to me for you to be asking for people to check off their corresponding age groups on an invitation. Addressing someone's age, especially women, is often perceived as rude. I think you should have just asked how many adults and how many children under 10 and called it a day. Also don't you know already which of your guests are older? Couldn't you make this assessment of your guests after receiving the RSVP numbers on your own? Not that this assessment would even be necessary IMHO because age =/= food consumption totals.

mrsbizzz · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

The venue for the reception does not allow the left over food from the wedding to be taken home. It is required that we purchase the food from them if we have them as our venue, and it is the perfect space aside from that small detail. Since the wedding food is obviously expensive, and for example we don't want to order 22 trays of food when we only need 18 when the difference can be up to a couple hundred dollars.

On the RSVPs, we asked how many people for that family are RSVP-ing, and of that number how many children under 10 years old are attending, how many teenagers/young adults are attending, how many adults, and how many senior adults are attending. The reasoning is that children under 10 and senior adults are going to most likely eat less than the teenagers and young adults or adults. It seemed like a reasonable thing for the sake of having a better idea for numbers and what to expect to order the right amount of food.

My mother and I checked with our elderly family members to make sure it would not be offensive (we aren't asking them their exact age or anything and I feel like if they are elderly they probably know they are elderly...) and so we thought everything was fine. The groom's family (not the actual elderly people but a bunch of other family members) was highly offended and the entire thing has become this huge deal when it was just a small detail to try to get a better count on numbers for ordering food. My family (especially the older ones) now think his family is ridiculous for being so offended.

Did we break an unspoken rule about etiquette? How can this be smoothed over?

To begin with, the bolded is faulty logic. My two grandfathers (who are both 85) can put food away like nobody's business, while my 15 year old brother and 16 year old cousin barely touch their food normally. By being this detailed and thinking of ordering in this way, I think you are going to end up with less food than you need and be embarrassed that you are not taking care of your guests.

If I would have received your RSVP card, I might not necessarily have been offended (although I see how other people might be), but I would just think it was VERY strange. The most detail I've ever seen asked is how many children, with under 12 being implied.

Spend the few extra hundred dollars and have the peace of mind that there will be enough food for everyone to enjoy themselves.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

The venue for the reception does not allow the left over food from the wedding to be taken home. It is required that we purchase the food from them if we have them as our venue, and it is the perfect space aside from that small detail. Since the wedding food is obviously expensive, and for example we don't want to order 22 trays of food when we only need 18 when the difference can be up to a couple hundred dollars.

On the RSVPs, we asked how many people for that family are RSVP-ing, and of that number how many children under 10 years old are attending, how many teenagers/young adults are attending, how many adults, and how many senior adults are attending. The reasoning is that children under 10 and senior adults are going to most likely eat less than the teenagers and young adults or adults. It seemed like a reasonable thing for the sake of having a better idea for numbers and what to expect to order the right amount of food.

My mother and I checked with our elderly family members to make sure it would not be offensive (we aren't asking them their exact age or anything and I feel like if they are elderly they probably know they are elderly...) and so we thought everything was fine. The groom's family (not the actual elderly people but a bunch of other family members) was highly offended and the entire thing has become this huge deal when it was just a small detail to try to get a better count on numbers for ordering food. My family (especially the older ones) now think his family is ridiculous for being so offended.

Did we break an unspoken rule about etiquette? How can this be smoothed over?

Yea, that was pretty bad and comes across as really cheap. Think about receiving something like that from someone. It'd just be... wth? The venue didn't ask for your numbers this way. And what if you underestimated and ran out of food because you assumed old people eat like birds? Just no... that logic is so off. Sorry. Rant over.

Apologize. Call them and apologize. Your FI is responsible dealing with this too. Even if they were your project, you two are a team and it's his family that's pissed off.

ETA: Also, how does your family know how his family is responding? Unless they contacted your family directly and bitched about it... my guess is there has been some gossip flying around. Another etiquette faux pas. Just own up to the mistake and don't talk about it with your family. They have no valid reason to know any of this.

photokitty · December 2013

I would say yes, you were inadvertently rude. The only thing you really need to know is adults and children. The adults will all average one another out. Some older (elderly) adults will eat just as much as some adults in their 40s. Art what age did you specify as senior? Bc it is 55, 60 ot 65 depending on your state. My 60 year old dad eats more than my 25year old brother. I am not art all surprised people were offended. I would rather over spend by a few hundred bucks.

MGP · December 2013

Two things:

1. You are getting married in 5 months? Why did you already send your invitations? That is way too far in advance.

2. Other than getting a head count of children vs. adults I don't think it is necessary or appropriate to get an age breakdown further than that. It sounds like you are trying to predict how much someone will eat based on their age and that's quite odd. It's fine you are being cost conscious, but you are essentially hosting people differently based on their age and that's probably why people got offended.

As a side note I have never, ever seen people try to bring home food from a wedding (other than cake).

climbingsingle · December 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

crisscrossKG said:

The venue for the reception does not allow the left over food from the wedding to be taken home. It is required that we purchase the food from them if we have them as our venue, and it is the perfect space aside from that small detail. Since the wedding food is obviously expensive, and for example we don't want to order 22 trays of food when we only need 18 when the difference can be up to a couple hundred dollars.

On the RSVPs, we asked how many people for that family are RSVP-ing, and of that number how many children under 10 years old are attending, how many teenagers/young adults are attending, how many adults, and how many senior adults are attending. The reasoning is that children under 10 and senior adults are going to most likely eat less than the teenagers and young adults or adults. It seemed like a reasonable thing for the sake of having a better idea for numbers and what to expect to order the right amount of food.

My mother and I checked with our elderly family members to make sure it would not be offensive (we aren't asking them their exact age or anything and I feel like if they are elderly they probably know they are elderly...) and so we thought everything was fine. The groom's family (not the actual elderly people but a bunch of other family members) was highly offended and the entire thing has become this huge deal when it was just a small detail to try to get a better count on numbers for ordering food. My family (especially the older ones) now think his family is ridiculous for being so offended.

Did we break an unspoken rule about etiquette? How can this be smoothed over?

Yea, that was pretty bad and comes across as really cheap. Think about receiving something like that from someone. It'd just be... wth? The venue didn't ask for your numbers this way. And what if you underestimated and ran out of food because you assumed old people eat like birds? Just no... that logic is so off. Sorry. Rant over.

Apologize. Call them and apologize. Your FI is responsible dealing with this too. Even if they were your project, you two are a team and it's his family that's pissed off.

ETA: Also, how does your family know how his family is responding? Unless they contacted your family directly and bitched about it... my guess is there has been some gossip flying around. Another etiquette faux pas. Just own up to the mistake and don't talk about it with your family. They have no valid reason to know any of this.

Ditto.

arrippa · December 2013

To smooth things over, I would apologize and then order food based on the number of guests attending (not ages).

CLI242009 · December 2013

The only time I've ever seen people ask on the RSVP for adults, children, senior is if there is some kind of pricing difference. This isn't the case and I would definitely NOT do this. I have seen tiny 90lb people eat what a football player would frickin eat. You can NOT judge what they will consume based on their ages, everyone's metabolism is different.

AddieCake · December 2013

You don't base how much people will eat on their age any more than you would on their weight. This gets a huge WTF from me.

mrsbizzz · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

The venue for the reception does not allow the left over food from the wedding to be taken home. It is required that we purchase the food from them if we have them as our venue, and it is the perfect space aside from that small detail. Since the wedding food is obviously expensive, and for example we don't want to order 22 trays of food when we only need 18 when the difference can be up to a couple hundred dollars.

On the RSVPs, we asked how many people for that family are RSVP-ing, and of that number how many children under 10 years old are attending, how many teenagers/young adults are attending, how many adults, and how many senior adults are attending. The reasoning is that children under 10 and senior adults are going to most likely eat less than the teenagers and young adults or adults. It seemed like a reasonable thing for the sake of having a better idea for numbers and what to expect to order the right amount of food.

My mother and I checked with our elderly family members to make sure it would not be offensive (we aren't asking them their exact age or anything and I feel like if they are elderly they probably know they are elderly...) and so we thought everything was fine. The groom's family (not the actual elderly people but a bunch of other family members) was highly offended and the entire thing has become this huge deal when it was just a small detail to try to get a better count on numbers for ordering food. My family (especially the older ones) now think his family is ridiculous for being so offended.

Did we break an unspoken rule about etiquette? How can this be smoothed over?

Have you already sent the cards?

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

I don't think you intended to be rude, at all. But food is something you can't really micromanage. Someone who eats more will balance out someone who eats less. You don't want to risk people leaving hungry, and asking people to estimate how much they will want months from now is kinda ridiculous. If you worry about food going to waste, make an announcement after everyone has been served once that they are welcome to seconds and to please eat as they like. Sometimes people are shy about second servings and will do so when you assure them it's OK.

You shouldn't have to be worrying about this yet anyway, as you have at least 3 months before invitations go out. Let your FI smooth over and apologize to his family and let it rest for a bit. Order the food when you get your response cards back. Estimate higher budget for now, then if you spend less, save the difference or supplement something else.

blabla89 · December 2013

Yes, this is rude. It would have been more appropriate to ask for names of family members attending and go from there, because (IMO) this makes it seem like you don't care enough about your guests to know their approximate ages. And yes, it also makes you come across as stingy.

Alas, what's done is done...

MNVegas · December 2013

Basing what people eat on their age is very strange to me. Also if someone is close enough to you and your FI to be invited to your wedding, I would think you would already know their approximate age.

Jen4948 · December 2013

Sorry to have to tell you this, but trying to guess how much people are going to eat based on their ages is rude. Some eat more for their ages, some eat less, and it really is none of your business how old someone is, provided they are not minors being served alcohol. That's really all you need to know about ages.

You should have just asked for the names of each person attending and let it go at that.

ei34 · December 2013

I can understand why your request rubbed people the wrong way. There's no correlation between age and appetite. When hosting something (wedding, dinner parties, etc) it's always better to have too much food than too little.
You can't take back the invitations, but you and your fiance can call the offended family members and apologize.

Viczaesar · December 2013

Hold up, your wedding is 6 months away. Why do you have your RSVPs already printed? Have you already sent your invitations to people? You are waaaaaaaaaaay too early, if so. Invitations should go out 6-8 WEEKS before your wedding, not 6-8 months.

WildMagelet · December 2013

PPs have pretty well covered it.

Personally I would think it was *weird* you wanted to know how old your guests were. I would like to think you generally know the ages of everybody you were inviting to your wedding regardless.

Also, as previously age is a poor determining factor as to how much someone is going to eat and 6 months is WAY too early for invites to go out.

Rebl90 · December 2013

Just echoing the PPs, I would call and apologize if you've already sent these out, it was not a polite thing to do, different people will eat different amounts for a variety of reasons, you can't decide for someone how much they want to eat.

kmmssg · December 2013

I have gone through this four times now with our daughters and I have to agree with everyone that this is a really flawed idea and you need to order a full meal for every person attending. You "CAN'T micromanage down to how much you think someone will eat. You need to order enough food for each guest and move on. You are seriously setting yourself up for embarrassement and failure here is you don't change your thinking.

SP29 · December 2013

I agree, not breaking etiquette per-se, but a very weird request.

How is the meal being served? By plate or is it a buffet? Because if it's by plate, everyone gets served the same amount of food on a plate anyway. If it's a buffet, you may end up short if you are trying to save money by ordering less food.

Just a really weird request to ask such specific ages. It's one think to ask about food allergies and about child meals, as those are different from the main meal, but beyond that, if the meal is the same, there should be no difference. Also, if you are inviting your guests you should have a pretty good idea of how old each person you are inviting is. There may be the odd guest, who you don't know if they are of legal age or not (and that matters since they will/won't partake in the bar), but you can call up the family to confirm that.

For example, through our venue, we are offering a beef option, chicken option, and vegetarian option. Kids under 12 can get a kid's meal, which is chicken fingers and fries (FI asked if he could have the kids meal too :P). Those are the only options presented on the RSVP card. Youths under the age of 18 cost us a bit less, because there is no bar for those guests, but the meal they get is the exact same as an adults. Our venue also only wants to know how many adults, how many youths, how many kids, how many are vendors- that's it, because that's how they charge.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Why did you and your mother ask YOUR side, but you didn't ask FI or HIS family? Just because your family doesnt think it's rude doesn't mean it's not -- and clearly you offended your FI'd family, so you should apologise.

phira · December 2013

To understand why this was really rude, think about this from the perspective of any guest.

If I'm in the group that's supposed to eat less ... what if I'm really hungry? Am I supposed to limit myself because I'm not supposed to eat very much? And what if you're assuming that I'm going to eat a lot? Then, I'd be rude for not eating as much as you expected, since that would be a waste of food.

Welcome to planning a wedding: you will need to budget accordingly so you can properly host your guests. And part of properly hosting guests is not touching base with them to see if they're going to eat a certain amount, months in advance.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

I am very confused about how the food situation works at your venue. Most venues where you also have to get the food from them, charge per person (less for children). Even if you have a buffet, the venue figures that out based on the number of people that attend, and they should have extra. If you get a venue that allows an outside caterer, I would assume it works the same way. There may be instances where you can get a certain number of trays of food, but this is usually with outside caterers.

Many people have complained about weddings where there wasn't enough food, so always err on the side of too much, than too little.

indianaalum · December 2013

Agree with everyone else.

I had a plated meal, however, i did a dessert bar and late night snack I had a TON leftover, but I would much rather have wasted money then turned into the wedding where everyone goes out to McDonald's afterwards because they went home hungry. Think about THAT.

The feedback I consistently get from my wedding was "I cannot believe how much food you had..and it was good"....I can live with that for sure.

jessicabessica · December 2013

This was not a good move. If you haven't already sent them, order new cards.

Weddings can be expensive and have lots of costs that seem ridiculous. It sounds like you already picked your venue, so accept that you will end up paying for uneaten food at the price that your venue charges for food. Order based on the number people that RSVP yes to your wedding, and order enough that you won't be worrying throughout the reception if you are running out.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

Thank you everyone who has reacted really kindly. It is an honest question from trying to get the most accurate numbers, and I appreciate the feedback because these are perspectives I wasn't able to see and so I am very glad I asked for your all's input.

Just to clarify, the invitations have *not* been sent out. We got everything printed and set it aside because I wanted to have everything printed and ready to go months in advance in case there were any hiccups along the way. I had sent one of everything home with my fiance to show his immediate family that included the envelope, invitation, RSVP, pew cards, etc. My fiance let me know that his family was offended (although his family gets really offended easily..the honorary grandparent's Save the Date was a few days late getting to her and everyone got offended because they thought we dis-invited her. The honorary grandparent.)

The guest count is around 250+ (we both have really big families) and the meal will be buffet style so everyone can take whatever they want, so we *aren't* giving anyone smaller portions based on their age. Those numbers would just be for the food numbers to tell the caterer how much of everything to make. I do not want to spend more than we need to if it can be avoided. Even just a couple hundred dollars is a massive investment for me, since I make little over minimum wage and my fiance, my parents and I have been saving and working really really hard to pay for everything in cash so there will be no credit card debt for anyone involved.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

I just don't want to be ordering 10 extra trays of food if only 3 extra will be needed. The cost all adds up to so much money. I think what may work is asking his family help with calculating people. Neither I nor my fiance know a lot of family members and it sounds like the calculating by age is not accurate enough of a measurement anyway, so this would probably work out better for everyone in the long run. I don't like the idea of reprinting the RSVPs and also don't want to order way more food than the already cushioned food count, so having his family help with counting people to avoid over-over cushioning head count for food.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

Also to clarify on another thing there are a lot of people we don't know who are coming who are parents' friends or are extended family we haven't met but that are important to invite so for me and him to try to count up people ourselves would be quite a challenge. And the reason I didn't clear the RSVPs with his family because I don't know them, so asking members of my family was the next best thing.

Viczaesar · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

I just don't want to be ordering 10 extra trays of food if only 3 extra will be needed. The cost all adds up to so much money. I think what may work is asking his family help with calculating people. Neither I nor my fiance know a lot of family members and it sounds like the calculating by age is not accurate enough of a measurement anyway, so this would probably work out better for everyone in the long run. I don't like the idea of reprinting the RSVPs and also don't want to order way more food than the already cushioned food count, so having his family help with counting people to avoid over-over cushioning head count for food.

Why don't you like the idea of reprinting the RSVPs? The ones you have are bizarre and offensive. I don't understand why you're making this so difficult. Count the number of people who RSVP yes to your wedding. Tell that number to your caterer. Learn to live with the idea that there might be some food left over at your wedding. That's just one of the risks you assume when you decide to host an event. It's FAR, FAR better to have too much food than too little. With 250 people you are going to need some kind of RSVP system, not just asking his family to tell you how many are coming, which is what it sounds like you're thinking of doing.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

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