RSVP Ridiculous?

crisscrossKG · December 2013

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AddieCake · December 2013

Guess what? We had people who RSVPd yes and didn't show. That meant paying for meals, centerpieces, favors, drinks, etc that we shouldn't have had to pay for. Oh, well. The point is, even if you had all your "senior citizens" accounted for and eating less food, that doesn't mean you won't still end up paying for stuff that doesn't get used. But you need to deal with it graciously and not risk offending your guests in the process.

LDubHawksFan · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:
I don't like the idea of spending more money to reprint, but if it needs to happen I am fine with that. I like the compromise of making his family happy if the originals will offend them, and I like the idea of making my mother happy because she is able to get numbers she wants to try to calculate how much food to order.

We are definitely OVER ordering. I don't want to come off as trying to calculate the exact amount because that's not going to happen ever in anything. But trying to calculate how much extra ordering is important. Because there's over ordering and then additionally also having the extra cushion of 10 more trays of food ready so no one goes hungry. But if only 3 extra trays on top of the extra amount we are planning on will still be more than enough then I would prefer that if it means saving hundreds of dollars.

But as everyone has pointed out, even with numbers of teenagers, adults and elderly, you can't accurately estimate how those people will eat differently. Leave the estimating up to your caterer. They are the professional and literally do this all the time. The only distinction you could make is children 10 and under.....but for our wedding my 6 year old niece put away an adult steak, so there's that. Stop micromanaging.

Viczaesar · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

New game plan: reprint RSVPs since the feedback has been that it will be less likely to ruffle any feathers, and then sit with down with my mom and future mother in law and talk about head counts to be able to make everyone happy and have a good picture of what to order.

Any other suggestions on how much to over order?

Why don't you just tell the venue how many people RSVP yes, including numbers for children, and let them decide how much food is the right amount to prepare for that number of people? They have more experience with that sort of judgment.

AddieCake · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

crisscrossKG said:

New game plan: reprint RSVPs since the feedback has been that it will be less likely to ruffle any feathers, and then sit with down with my mom and future mother in law and talk about head counts to be able to make everyone happy and have a good picture of what to order.

Any other suggestions on how much to over order?

Why don't you just tell the venue how many people RSVP yes, including numbers for children, and let them decide how much food is the right amount to prepare for that number of people? They have more experience with that sort of judgment.

This. You are making this so complicated, and it's simply not.

MNVegas · December 2013

Give your headcount to your caterer and they will know how much food to prepare. That is their job! Also if you are having a hard time coming up with money to pay for a large wedding, it is time to seriously look at your guest list and do some cutting. You said a lot of people you and your FI do not even know so why are they being invited. I know I would not accept an invitation to a wedding where I do not even know the couple so you may end up with a lot of declines.

MGP · December 2013

If you are so worried about 7 extra trays of food AND don't even know some of your wedding guests it sounds like there is a deeper problem than just the RSVP cards (which yes you should reprint). If possible, you may want to rethink your budget and guest list.

phira · December 2013

I get trying very hard to save money. What sort of flies in the face of that is ordering your invitations and RSVP cards soooooo far in advance if you're not sure what to put on the RSVP cards.

Look, weddings are expensive. There are lots of ways to save money, and the ladies here (myself included) are all happy to help you find ways to save. Really, truly, we are. But when it comes to the food, you tell the caterer, "X adults and X children RSVPed yes," and they take care of the rest.

Ways to save money:

- less expensive wedding dress (hit a sale at David's Bridal or Alfred Angelo)

- small, inexpensive centerpieces (or NO centerpieces!)

- flowers from the grocery store

- online RSVPs (to avoid having to reprint your RSVPs)

- limited open bar

- cut the guest list

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

Why are you inviting a bunch of people you don't know but his parents are insistent on, if they aren't paying for any of it? If your budget is really that tight, I would cut drastically and save time and aggravation. You're so overthinking this. Invite who you want and who is important to you both. Not people your don't know at all.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

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crisscrossKG · December 2013

@RebeccaB88 it's so hard to not try to offend anyone. I feel stuck in the middle of both families at times and since my parents are paying for such a huge chunk majority of it and I also want to respect his family.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

The seven was just an arbitrary number. For all we know it might be way more or way less. Thus the trying to narrow it down part . Our families are really big and it is an understood from the families of origin that you invite literally everyone related,
@phira Thank you! Those are awesome ways to save some money. We are going to be having a morning wedding to also save money and also not having alcohol (I can't imagine anyone wanting to drink that early anyway..haha). The centerpieces are mostly glass vases and mirrors and such that can be found at dollar store/bulk stores and the flowers are realistic but artificial that were able to be purchased in bulk online to also save. The dress I found at a local place to be less expensive than the chain stores too.

crisscrossKG said:

@RebeccaB88 it's so hard to not try to offend anyone. I feel stuck in the middle of both families at times and since my parents are paying for such a huge chunk majority of it and I also want to respect his family.

If it makes you happy to invite all these people, great. If it is stressing you out and costing you money you can't afford, you should stand up to both of your families more. Just because it's "understood" doesn't mean you need to spend a ton of your own money inviting people you haven't even met.

And guess what... you can do everything right and still offend someone. Proper etiquette and good hosting will prevent some of that, but somebody's going to get their panties in a wad for no good reason. It will happen.

Your setup sounds like a great way to save money already. Get your guest list in order, reprint RSVPs only for those you actually want to/ can afford to invite, and then just give that number to the caterer. Worry about other things than having an extra tray of food at the end of the night.

ETA: just reread that your parents are paying for a "chunk." That means they get input of course... but are their guest demands exceeding the help they are giving? You should maybe talk to your parents about making a realistic guest list for everyone.

phira · December 2013

It's actually GOOD news that you will definitely upset people no matter what you do. Very freeing!

Don't worry about inviting EVERYONE in each family. My partner and I have big families, but we only are really close to our maternal families, so that means 80 people instead of almost 160. We had to pare down our friends lists, too. We already know we're upsetting a bunch of people (my grandmother is very upset about my dress, my paternal grandparents might not come because we're not inviting my dad, my partner's aunt is upset that she's not officiating--wait till she finds out that we ARE having another family member officiate!). If you're careful about etiquette, then you'll end up just offending the people who were going to be offended no matter what you do.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

Awwww you ladies are the best! I feel like I got a huge boost reading that encouragement! It's hard but I'm glad to not feel so alone in dealing with sticky situations here and there. I will definitely have my fiance and I re-look at the guest list and see where we can trim it down, and see if we can find some middle ground where both families can have some compromise.

Thank you all so much

Viczaesar · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

Awwww you ladies are the best! I feel like I got a huge boost reading that encouragement! It's hard but I'm glad to not feel so alone in dealing with sticky situations here and there. I will definitely have my fiance and I re-look at the guest list and see where we can trim it down, and see if we can find some middle ground where both families can have some compromise. Thank you all so much

I think that's a great idea. Good luck.

hoffse · December 2013

I'm glad you're cutting down your guestlist. A good wedding really needs just a few things: a chair for every butt, accessible and non-grungy bathrooms, and plenty of food. Food is NOT where you should be cutting corners. I had centerpieces that averaged less than $10 each for live flowers (dollar store vases that we spray painted silver, and then half a bunch of costco tulips in each). I bought a dress on clearance at David's. It fit well, and nobody knew that I spent $200 on it instead of $2000. But food? We had plenty, and people were able to stuff themselves.

Try not to let your families run all over you. You're going to have to prioritize no matter what, but getting to the point where you're trying to pinpoint exactly how much food you will need means it's gone too far. I think most venues don't give doggy bags. I know mine didn't - with the exception of an extra bride and groom takeaway box (to eat later that night). I'm sure we threw away a lot of food, and while that's not ideal, I know that people weren't hungry. And that means it was a success.

One other thing - I think it's fine to cut back on alcohol. Go for beer and wine instead of liquor. Or have an entirely dry wedding. Try to pay for consumption instead of paying a flat rate per head. Unless you have a huge group of college kids there, you usually spent MUCH less with consumption after the tax and tip is included.

But keep the food readily available.

mrsbizzz · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

Awwww you ladies are the best! I feel like I got a huge boost reading that encouragement! It's hard but I'm glad to not feel so alone in dealing with sticky situations here and there. I will definitely have my fiance and I re-look at the guest list and see where we can trim it down, and see if we can find some middle ground where both families can have some compromise. Thank you all so much

But I think you said you already sent your Save the Dates? Be careful here....

crisscrossKG · December 2013

Once we hear back from some people on invitations down the road we were hoping to possibly invite some more college friends if there seemed to be more room if a lot of no's come back. Our biggest priority is family and super close friends and then after them and if we see there is room later on there are some other people we would maybe invite. A good number of family members are out of states or in the UK so the problem might sort itself out with any luck!

mrsbizzz · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

Once we hear back from some people on invitations down the road we were hoping to possibly invite some more college friends if there seemed to be more room if a lot of no's come back. Our biggest priority is family and super close friends and then after them and if we see there is room later on there are some other people we would maybe invite. A good number of family members are out of states or in the UK so the problem might sort itself out with any luck!

I wouldn't do that. For one thing, you are concerned about costs. If you invite 250, but only 200 say they can come, you save money.

Also, what you are planning to do is considered B listing. It is poor etiquette.

AddieCake · December 2013

Aaaaaaaargh! Absolutely do NOT b-list people!

SP29 · December 2013

I'm still confused on the whole ordering of food. I don't get the counting of people and trays. You invite your 250 guests- 220 respond yes. You tell your caterer 200 adults, 20 children. Done. No "counting" except for your total head count. Change the RSVP cards to reflect this.

Look at your guest list to save money. Yes, your parents get input if they are paying. But you need to determine what you total budget is first, then decide at the cost per person of venue and food, how many people can you afford to host? THEN make your guest list. I understand there is likely push from both families to invite X extended family member or family friend that you've never met, but I encourage you and your FI to stand firm that you can only invite the amount of guests you can properly host. I personally feel the B&G should invite the guests they want to share their wedding day with. Unless you have an unlimited budget, do not feel pressured to invite people whom you've never met. Of course it happens you end up inviting Aunt Mildred because your mom or FMIL INSISTS, but take a hard look at your guest list. However, if someone has been sent a STD, then they must receive an invite to the wedding. This is why STDs should only be sent to VIPs.

B listing (where you invite more guests once X number of already invited guests has declined) is considered very rude and guests are likely to find out they've been B listed. Invite the number of guests you can afford to host and assume 100% acceptance. Don't invite unknown family over close friends. If guests decline then voila- you've saved yourself money! Yay!

Good luck with the process.

mrsbizzz · December 2013

My previous point was that if your solution to this problem, as you stated a few posts ago, is to try to cut the guest list, you probably can't if have already sent save the dates. If you've sent a save the date, you CANNOT cut them from the guest list at this point.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

We did send out save the dates so I realize that on that account we cannot change things, but in thinking since a lot of family members are out of town-ers the problem may solve itself with numbers. We are reprinting the RSVPs so that problem is solved too

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The reason for wanting to invite some people later is that family and really close family friends are our number one priority. There are other people who if given unlimited numbers to invite anyone I wanted we would like to invite (aka, lots of people from college) but that numbers are too tight with the family members and such that right now we cannot invite as many friends as we would like to.

I plan to send out invitations early and if we hear a lot of no's then I will know that I will be able to invite more people that I wouldn't have been able to originally because of needing to invite extended family members.

I don't want to get into a situation where I assume that a lot of out of town people won't come and so I send out a lot more invites than is room for people and have everybody show up (which is unlikely I know but I don't want to take that chance).

manateehugger · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

We did send out save the dates so I realize that on that account we cannot change things, but in thinking since a lot of family members are out of town-ers the problem may solve itself with numbers. We are reprinting the RSVPs so that problem is solved too .

The reason for wanting to invite some people later is that family and really close family friends are our number one priority. There are other people who if given unlimited numbers to invite anyone I wanted we would like to invite (aka, lots of people from college) but that numbers are too tight with the family members and such that right now we cannot invite as many friends as we would like to.

I plan to send out invitations early and if we hear a lot of no's then I will know that I will be able to invite more people that I wouldn't have been able to originally because of needing to invite extended family members.

I don't want to get into a situation where I assume that a lot of out of town people won't come and so I send out a lot more invites than is room for people and have everybody show up (which is unlikely I know but I don't want to take that chance).

This is seriously one of the rudest things you can do as a host, in my opinion. You are 1. forcing your guests to RSVP too early and 2. telling other people, who you supposedly care about, that you don't have them as a priority in your life, but they are great second-stringers.

How would you like being a second best friend?

Just invite the number you can afford and call it a day. Everyone goes through this process.

ETA: I also have to offer a reality check here. You aren't offering a privilege when you invite people to your wedding. You are offering up a thank you for the role someone has played in your life. A b-list invite is a "thanks sort-of, but I really want to make sure we have a good crowd at our wedding." I'm pretty sure your college friends will be just fine if they don't have to offer up time and money to attend your wedding.

AddieCake · December 2013

Everyone here understands WHAT you want to do and WHY. We're telling you it's a dick move. Nobody wants to be invited to something only if the host's first choices can't make it.

Viczaesar · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

We did send out save the dates so I realize that on that account we cannot change things, but in thinking since a lot of family members are out of town-ers the problem may solve itself with numbers. We are reprinting the RSVPs so that problem is solved too .

The reason for wanting to invite some people later is that family and really close family friends are our number one priority. There are other people who if given unlimited numbers to invite anyone I wanted we would like to invite (aka, lots of people from college) but that numbers are too tight with the family members and such that right now we cannot invite as many friends as we would like to.

I plan to send out invitations early and if we hear a lot of no's then I will know that I will be able to invite more people that I wouldn't have been able to originally because of needing to invite extended family members.

I don't want to get into a situation where I assume that a lot of out of town people won't come and so I send out a lot more invites than is room for people and have everybody show up (which is unlikely I know but I don't want to take that chance).

That's incredibly rude. Have only one list. Don't assume people decline, prepare for 100% acceptance. Send your invitations at the normal time, not early. Invitations should be sent 6-8 weeks before the wedding, with RSVP date usually 2-3 weeks before the wedding. Sending either invitations earlier or asking for earlier RSVPs is a clear indication that you're B-listing people.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

Although I can't understand why giving a guest advance notice for the specifics of my wedding is so rude (my feeling is the sooner they have the invitation to know the specifics the sooner they can make plans to come or not come, especially the out of towners), what I am trying to communicate is that if I had unlimited resources I would love to invite every college friend I have ever had; my ideal wedding is having anyone who I have ever been close to at one time or another be there to share that joy with me. The reality is because family is so large that is not a possibility. However, if I find out that 25 or 30 family members cannot come, I am definitely going to want college friends to be able to be there and will want to invite them.

manateehugger · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

Although I can't understand why giving a guest advance notice for the specifics of my wedding is so rude (my feeling is the sooner they have the invitation to know the specifics the sooner they can make plans to come or not come, especially the out of towners), what I am trying to communicate is that if I had unlimited resources I would love to invite every college friend I have ever had; my ideal wedding is having anyone who I have ever been close to at one time or another be there to share that joy with me. The reality is because family is so large that is not a possibility. However, if I find out that 25 or 30 family members cannot come, I am definitely going to want college friends to be able to be there and will want to invite them.

Giving advance notice doesn't mean you require an RSVP months in advance. And if you're b-listing, you're requiring early RSVP's. You send out STDs, create a website, or just you know, a phone call, if you want people to have all the specifics early. You don't require them to commit to your wedding months in advance.

Look, people know weddings are expensive and they understand when they can't be invited. There have been a ton of old sorority sister weddings I haven't been invited to. I've never gotten upset; I just figure they have a budget and that budget couldn't accommodate me. No big deal. That's life.

You are telling your friends that you only want them there if someone you like better says no. You are not doing anyone a favor. You are prioritizing yourself over your friends.

ETA: If you really wanted to invite all your friends, you'd get a cheap dress, cheap venue, cheap decorations, and have a non-mealtime wedding and serve only cake and punch.

phira · December 2013

Inviting people ONLY because you've gotten enough declines is rude. Do not do that. We get why you want to, and what purpose it serves. We're not misunderstanding you. It's a very rude thing to do.

AddieCake · December 2013

Like I said already, we GET it. It doesn't need explained to us. YOU don't seem to get that it is rude. Would YOU want to be invited to something only if the host's first choice invitees couldn't make it?

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