XP: Save the Date and Invitation Address Wording

Re: XP: Save the Date and Invitation Address Wording

• AroundTheBlock member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  Back prior to the 1970s, there were some pretty inflexible rules about how to use people's names, and most people conformed with the rules. But even then, the overriding rule was: use the name and title that the person being addressed prefers, in the form that they prefer. Some ladies actually prefer "Mrs John Smith", strange though that may seem to the people who hate that form. Some ladies prefer "Miss" to "Ms". Some ladies believe that a female's given name should never be associated with the title "Mrs" and use "Ms" even though they are married. There is standard etiquette for situations when you cannot determine your correspondent's preference, but that is no help if your guests find the standard etiquette insulting.
  
  For the record, the standard is as follows:
  
  Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Doe (for a married couple with the same surname)
  
  Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Smith (for a married couple with different surnames)
  
  Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Smith (for a cohabiting unmarried couple) or
  
  Mr John Doe          (the form for unmarried cohabiting couples is debated,
  Ms Jane Smith        because pre-1970s etiquette did not recognize it as a
                                      status, and post-2000 etiquette considers it prurient and
                                      prejudicial to differentiate couples
                                      on the basis of whether they are 'living in sin' or not)
  
  Mr John Doe    -- sent to his own address      (a recognized couple, such as
  Ms Jane Smith    - sent to her own address    fiancés, who are not cohabiting)
  
  You will have read or heard that addresses are correctly "ladies first". That is a mistake based on over-simplistically applying the general "ladies first" rule. The gentleman always goes first in any situation where he can make the lady safer or more comfortable by so doing. Getting into vehicles is one such situation, since he can then "hand her up". Crossing minefields would be another example. Crossing the continent metaphorically together on the back of an envelope is traditionally treated in the same way as crossing a minefield or entering a moving vehicle. Those who find it sexist for the gentleman to be singled out as the protector should use alphabetical order instead -- which is the modern standard etiquette.
    
  "The person you know better" should never be used as a rule for how to express the names, because you should never be overtly telling your guests "Oh, by the way, I like him better than I like you" or "He's welcome to come or not, but you are only welcome if you come with him." Every guest should be treated as a welcome and cherished guest, and no guest should ever be made to feel like a second-class guest.
  

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• AroundTheBlock member

  

  December 2013 edited December 2013

  And, since I got the double-post bonus ...
  
  When one of the two guests is a public servant, he or she is named first with the title that denotes that service (since, I suppose, the fact that they are out in public serving means they do not need the other person to protect them by taking point.) For etiquette purposes, medical doctors, judges, and military members are considered to be "serving the public". Standard etiquette holds that PhD holders, who are given the courtesy title of "Doctor" when serving in their area of expertise, are supposed to go by "Mr" or "Ms" in social situations. This is another of those areas when it behooves you to find out their preferences first, since many PhDs feel entitled to the title of Doctor even in social situations, and might be insulted if it were omitted.
  

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