Strip Clubs - Bachelor Party

Maggie0829 · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

No i've never been... i'm not thinking it's intimate for the girls, I know they're not interested at all, but the guys - as in do they sit there while getting a lapdance thinking this is hilarious but slightly uncomfortable (that'd be ok I suppose) or are they sitting there thinking, dang this chick is hot, I would bang her if I could - I think i'll imagine this again later when i'm alone (this would upset me).

My FI has assured me that he has no interest in getting a lapdance and would refuse it if somehow they did end up at a stripclub (and that he'd rather not be there anyway) - so for now I just need to trust that this is the case but also I think everyone has shown me that even if it weren't the case in the end, it's not the end of the world.. so thank you very much for talking me down before I potentially caused an argument!

So has your FI never watched porn or jerked off to a chick in a magazine? I mean really, everyone has their fantasies, but they are just that, fantasies and there is nothing wrong with having them. When it becomes wrong is when they act out their fantasies with a person who is not you.

I do think you have confidence issues if you get upset if your FI may find someone else attractive. Have you never looked at another guy and found yourself thinking "damn he is hot"? Thinking someone is hot is not wrong. It only gets wrong if you act upon it.

doeydo · December 2013

If you and your FI agree on relationship boundaries (ie. sleeping with someone else oversteps those boundaries) and strippers were outside of those boundaries, then yes, you can expect him not to go to one. Note, that you have certain things that you will never be okay with having someone you are in a relationship doing and your FI might be okay with those types of things, however, out of respect he could still agree no to do X things.

CLI242009 · December 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

My friends know me and should know me about how i feel on this but if they were to ever have a male stripper appear at my bachelorette party, I would walk out. Do not care if it were a surprise. I am not comfortable with an unknown male rubbing and touching me. Period. Nor do I wish to see any male rubbing and touching my friends/family that way too. I have said it many times before and if they have that mind set of "Oh you just need to try it to like it" then that person just proved to me that they really don't know me. That's just me though. *shrugs*

OP - talk to your FI. He needs to know how you feel and if he respects your feelings he won't do anything that will disrespect you or your feelings on the matter.

MyNameIsNot · December 2013

Lavender123 said:

No i've never been... i'm not thinking it's intimate for the girls, I know they're not interested at all, but the guys - as in do they sit there while getting a lapdance thinking this is hilarious but slightly uncomfortable (that'd be ok I suppose) or are they sitting there thinking, dang this chick is hot, I would bang her if I could - I think i'll imagine this again later when i'm alone (this would upset me).

My FI has assured me that he has no interest in getting a lapdance and would refuse it if somehow they did end up at a stripclub (and that he'd rather not be there anyway) - so for now I just need to trust that this is the case but also I think everyone has shown me that even if it weren't the case in the end, it's not the end of the world.. so thank you very much for talking me down before I potentially caused an argument!

It really bothers you that your FI might think about some girl during his "alone" time? Because I can assure you, every healthy guy masturbates, and every guy imagines something when they're doing it. If it's not a stripper, it's a girl from a movie, a magazine, or the girl who waited on him at lunch. (Although he'd probably rather die than admit this to you.)

I hate to break it to you, but he's going to think about some other girl or fantasy at some point or another. The important part is that it remains a fantasy, not an actuality. Are you going to get mad at him if he watches porn or has a crazy dream about Scarlet Johansen?

It's fine if you dislike strip clubs, and it's fine to express your preference. It's not ok to tell him what he can and can't fantasize about. I think you're having some self doubt because your reasons come from a place of insecurity. Don't take it personally. Checking out another girl doesn't mean you're lacking. It just means he's human.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

vk2204 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Strip clubs don't bother me. FI doesn't go to them often - I think he's only been a handful of times. But I imagine for his bach party, his guy friends will bring him to one. It's just not something I'd ever be upset about. So, he sees naked woman. What's the big deal?

What if your friends surprised you by bringing you to a male strip club? What would you do?

It isn't the seeing part I don't like, it is the touching. The moment any girl finds out there is a bachelor in the club they will be ALL OVER him and his group. I am not okay with some random chick rubbing her lady parts on my guy and sticking her tits in his face; to me that is crossing the line. If he wants tits in his face he can ask me

Don't forget the nasty ass dollar tricks.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

smalfrie19 said:

Yes this is what i'm worried about and why I more specifically don't want him to go for his bachelor party.. And although I know he wouldn't initiate something like that, I mean if a girl starts grinding on him unexpectedly - I feel like i'd be silly to think he'd push her off. It's hard to think about that, I don't want him to think about anyone but me in that way. That's probably unrealistic though.

There are currently no plans to go that he's aware of and he has told his best man no - but he doesn't care either way, so I think if he thought I was ok with it he just wouldn't have said anything and just gone along with whatever they planned. I think someone is going to suggest it in the spur of the moment anyway though (I love his friends but a couple of them are a bit gross, I still love those ones but i'd never let a friend date them - that kind of guy) and I was trying to figure out how to avoid that.. but I realize now that if I go down that path, i'm basically telling him what to do, which I can't, and that I just need to trust he's not a pig, which I do.

It's just hard because I think I see it as a way more intimate/sexual experience than it maybe is - makes me wonder if I should go to one, just to get over that... but then I also just kind of feel sad about the whole situation, of young girls stripping for pervy men who throw money at them.

As for the question about what if I got surprised with one on my bachelorette - well i've told my friends it grosses me out so hopefully they wouldn't but you're right to point it out, I wouldn't have a tantrum and refuse to go in (unless of course my FI and I had agreed mutually that we 100% wouldn't) so I can't pressure FI to do otherwise. I think it's just that I know I wouldn't see guys and think damnnn he's way hotter, I should trade up and I worry that might go through FIs head.. then again that could happen with a random girl on the street too and I realize that's stupid to think about!

Thank you everyone for listening and for your advice!!

---stuck in a box---

bold number 1 - no..not sexual..its WORK to them..just like a waitress serving you at a restaurant..I ASSURE you...those girls aren't even thinking about sex when giving lap dances...they are thinking about their taxes..or going shopping...

bold number 2 - You act like these girls don't have a choice...they do...and a lot of them actually enjoy their jobs for the most part....I feel like you have no clue what the adult entertainment culture is like

bold number 3 -...woowww confidence issues there....might want to work on that...

I get what you are trying to say- that the strippers aren't necessarily interested in having sex with their patrons- but strip clubs, pole dances, lap dances, and dollar tricks are sexual by their very nature. That's kinda the point.

To the highlighted- OP, have you ever been to a strip club? A lot of times the girls are nothing like what Hollywood portrays strippers to be. They are not all super hot Victoria Secret models dripping off of dance poles. . .

ktjanesmom · December 2013

I think strip clubs are wrong, male or female. ANd I do not understand why any man or woman in a happy healthy relationship wants to go to one. JMO.

crisscrossKG · December 2013

This is something I could talk about for an hour. Going to strip clubs breeches the love and respect between a fiance and fiancee. Men and women both who are in relationships especially have no business disrespecting their beloveds like that. If he wants to marry you, there is a heart commitment there before you literally physically walk down the aisle. If he is wanting to commit his fidelity and love and honor to his fiancee, what business does he have stepping foot in a strip club? What "friends" would think that it is respectful and okay to try to take their buddy to something like that?

.

CLI242009 · December 2013

crisscrossKG said:

This is something I could talk about for an hour. Going to strip clubs breeches the love and respect between a fiance and fiancee. Men and women both who are in relationships especially have no business disrespecting their beloveds like that. If he wants to marry you, there is a heart commitment there before you literally physically walk down the aisle. If he is wanting to commit his fidelity and love and honor to his fiancee, what business does he have stepping foot in a strip club? What "friends" would think that it is respectful and okay to try to take their buddy to something like that?

.

I absolutely love you

haha Thank you for posting this.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

Not to mention the respect between a husband and a wife.

CLI242009 · December 2013

ktjanesmom said:

Not to mention the respect between a husband and a wife.

For the couples that are BOTH okay with this, that is completely fine by me. I don't understand it but that is completely their call. The one that I get angry about is when only ONE of them is okay with this and can't see why their SO is getting upset about it.....most of the times I've heard from friends

"It's what we've always done when we go out"
or
"I'm not like cheating, so don't get angry about it"
or the real big one is where they don't want to appear whipped and give in to their friends' sneering and teasing
"what he/she doesn't know can't her him/her"

jdluvr06 · December 2013

Personally I don't have a problem with strip clubs but if it bothers you just tell him about it. If he loves youand respects your opinions then he won't go

AddieCake · December 2013

I'm not against strip clubs at all, but I do believe that if it bothers you about him going, then he shouldn't go. This is an issue I think couples need to be on the same page about, but definitely don't use words like "not allowed," "forbid," "ban," etc.

Lavender123 · December 2013

Thanks everyone - sorry I haven't had internet access all weekend, didn't just start the conversation and run.

I really appreciate everyones opinion, talking to him about it properly was definitely what I needed to do.. I don't think he realized I felt strongly and we've reached a good understanding about it!

As for all the confidence comments - yes you're all probably right, the thought of him fantasizing about another woman, normal or not, bothers me 100% (but I wouldn't tell him that, I know it's my issue not his).

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I think anyone woman who hasn't been to a strip club should go at least once. I have no problem with my man going to a strip club if he wants to because those places are nasty. There are totally high end strip clubs places.... Not here though! You're getting average looking girls in a dirty club with bad music. I know my FI could only handle that for awhile and it would not make him feel sexy!

My besties husband hired strippers to come to his hotel for his bachelor party

this is where things get super grey for me!!!

karamelkandykrunch · March 2014

princessleia22 · March 2014

I think you need to make sure your FI knows how you feel. Tell him that the idea of him getting touched by another woman at a strip club really bothers you. Then you need to trust him to make the correct decisions. You can't ban him from anything... he's a grown man. And if you are marrying him, you need to be able to trust him 100% that he will make the best decisions for your relationship. If he knows how much it bothers you, that may be enough to make him decline if the other guys plan to go to strip club. Or enough to have him mention to the guys up front that he isn't comfortable with doing strip club for bachelor party. And if he does go, hopefully you expressing your views on the touching will be enough to have him decline any lap dances or close contact. But, it is ultimately his decision. All you can do is let him know your views and trust him.

Blergbot · March 2014

My FI, then BF, went to one for his counsin's bach party in Vegas. I personally think they are gross, but I don't feel threatened by them, especially since my FI would never choose to go to one on his own. Apparently he spend the whole time telling the strippers "thanks, but no thanks" and then explaining that he loved his GF. They thought he was sweet and left him alone. I can't explain it--maybe because I'm not worried about him running of with a stripper in the first place, so there's no reason for him not to be honest with me--but I actually believe him.

FiancB · March 2014

Considering that it's work for them and that they don't give it out willy nilly for free, I think you've got less to worry about him going to see some strippers than going to any given bar with random chicks that are looking to get laid and consider a guy being taken a bonus.

JMO.

He is not going to have a chance with a stripper. And if he thinks they're hot... well what do you do, make sure he doesn't watch R rated movies because the actresses are hot and take their clothes off too? Like someone else said, touching is illegal in a lot (not all, but a lot) of places.

I mean I get being not comfortable with it and overall it's not a big deal to ask that he not do anything stripper related. But overall I really wouldn't sweat it.

wandajune6 · March 2014

We had an interesting conversation about this a week or so ago. One of my best friends/BMs was a stripper for years. While she was staying with for a few days, FI's brother messaged me asking what was "allowed" for his bachelor party. My response?

I'm not ok with:
1. drunk driving
2. hookers or strippers who act like hookers
3. animals

I know they'll inevitably end up at a strip club. I also know that he'll have a few friends/brothers buy him lap dances. Do I love it? No. He knows that.

I just take the approach that I'm marrying a guy who loves and respects me. If he wants to stare at semi-naked women with his friends every once in a while, so be it.

Cookie Pusher · March 2014

FI has no interest in a bachelor party, but someone will probably organize something for him. If they end up at a strip club, whatever. I can't *make* a grown man do or not do something just because I tell him. At the end of the night, as long as he hasn't done anything that he's ashamed of or is afraid of me finding out about, then there isn't much else to be said. At the end of the day, he knows what the boundaries in our relationship are (we have discussed them, at length). If he chooses to not follow them, it doesn't matter if it's with a stripper or a random girl at a bar - he'd be doing it wherever it was they ended up going. At least I know what the rules are at most of the clubs where'd he might end up, and there's no way he'd be touching or taking anyone home!

abbyj700 · March 2014

crisscrossKG said:

This is something I could talk about for an hour. Going to strip clubs breeches the love and respect between a fiance and fiancee. Men and women both who are in relationships especially have no business disrespecting their beloveds like that. If he wants to marry you, there is a heart commitment there before you literally physically walk down the aisle. If he is wanting to commit his fidelity and love and honor to his fiancee, what business does he have stepping foot in a strip club? What "friends" would think that it is respectful and okay to try to take their buddy to something like that?

.

I have to respectfully disagree. I'm in a loving, healthy, honest, trust worthy relationship. He loves me, wants to marry me, is committed to me and has already committed his fidelity and everything else to me. Him going out with his friends to a strip club has no baring on that. His friends are my friends, they love me as I love them. Them taking him to a strip club for a bachelor party in no way changes his commitment of fidelity, his love for me, or their respect for our relationship.

I have no clue if my FI and his boys will end up at a strip club for his party, nor do I care. I trust him all 364 other days of the year the way I'll trust him that night. He won't stray, nor would his friends allow him to. Where they decide to go is up to them and has no baring on our love or marriage as I know he is committed to me.

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