NWR- lack of a thank you card when a child is involved

indianaalum · December 2013

So I have vigilantly mailed gifts to my nieces every holiday for the last several years. Not one single time have their parents even acknowledged that the gift was ever received.

Would you keep sending gifts? the children are young and clearly cant be faulted for poor manners, but it's frustrating when time and time again, their parents cant even acknowledge they even RECEIVED the gift, let alone send a thank you card. I don't want to punish the kids, but sure am annoyed with the lack of manners of the parents.

ugghh...

manateehugger · December 2013

Have you never called or sent a message saying "Merry Christmas! I hope the kids like their gifts!"?

These are your siblings we are talking about, yes?

indianaalum · December 2013

Husbands side who live in another state so we don't see them

I actually sent a facebook message last year stating "I sent gifts, let me know when you receive them". The parents read the message (according to facebook), and still never acknowledged THAT message despite perpetually being on facebook.

I recently sent gifts for xmas, and no word so far...

I am not even looking for a thank you card. I just want to make sure they get the stuff we send, you know? It takes two seconds to write a note on facebook or send a text. I'd be happy with THAT at this point

daveANDkristen · December 2013

I would still send gifts to the children, it's not their fault their parents are rude.

deannagirly · December 2013

I would send the gifts to the children, and on Christmas call them and ask how they liked their gifts, or text the parents and ask if the children liked their gifts.

I always had to call everybody on Christmas and thank them for gifts, so I think it's weird that the parents don't expect the children to do the same, but either way I wouldn't punish the children. Just call them Christmas evening and ask how they liked the gifts.

manateehugger · December 2013

Send the gifts and have your husband call to say Merry Christmas and ask how the kids liked the gifts. It's not their fault that their parents can't handle polite human interaction.

misshart00 · December 2013

I'm going to be the person disagreeing here. I would slowly back off on gifts. If they're not being taught to be appreciative, they won't be later. They've got to learn one way that you need to be grateful or you don't get anything. Then maybe start gifts again when they're teenagers and can call and say thank you themselves. If they're grateful, continue.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

I would actually stop sending the presents. If the parents ask, you can tell them straight-up that their lack of acknowledgement is the reason for the stoppage.

Actions have consequences, and the parents need to learn that their (lack of) child-rearing will have consequences.

What's going to happen when these kids show ingratitude to their peers or their superiors? They're going to find out the hard way that rudeness doesn't get you anywhere.

For the record, I understand your not wanting to punish the kids, I do, but I also believe in manners being instilled by those involved in rearing children.

Jen4948 · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would actually stop sending the presents. If the parents ask, you can tell them straight-up that their lack of acknowledgement is the reason for the stoppage. Actions have consequences, and the parents need to learn that their (lack of) child-rearing will have consequences. What's going to happen when these kids show ingratitude to their peers or their superiors? They're going to find out the hard way that rudeness doesn't get you anywhere. For the record, I understand your not wanting to punish the kids, I do, but I also believe in manners being instilled by those involved in rearing children.

I agree with this. If nobody in the family is going to show appreciation for your time, effort, and thought, or even let you know that they received the gift, it doesn't make sense to continue giving them. As @HisGirlFriday13 says here, actions and the lack thereof have consequences, and it would help these children to learn as soon as possible in their lives that not acknowledging gifts is rude and results in gifts not being given in the future.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

misshart00 said:

I'm going to be the person disagreeing here. I would slowly back off on gifts. If they're not being taught to be appreciative, they won't be later. They've got to learn one way that you need to be grateful or you don't get anything. Then maybe start gifts again when they're teenagers and can call and say thank you themselves. If they're grateful, continue.

Yeah, I'm in this camp, too. It sucks for the kids, but if they can't even acknowledge the gift, they don't get them.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

It depends on how old the kids are but I would still send the kids gifts and then call them the day after Christmas and ask to speak to the kids to make sure they got them.

Senecaf · December 2013

I would send gifts with less and less frequency. The parents should be sending them if the children are young. If they are older the kids don't know unless they are taught and they clearly have not been. The parents are being irresponsible in teaching their children gratitude. It's an important lesson and unfortunately may never be learned.

How old are these children? There are some nice ettiqute books greared toward preteens out there that could be a nice final gift.

KPBM89 · December 2013

I'm adding myself to the stop sending stuff/ send less frequently camp. I have been sending gifts and cards to my cousin and his wife for their baby for months and not a single time have they ever acknowledged anything or said thank you (FI works corporate for a baby company so we get great deals). I couldn't attend the baby shower in May because I had just moved 12 hours away, so I sent them a large package with several gifts that cost me close to $20 just for shipping (plus the $$ for everything inside). After receiving no response, I checked the tracking info to make sure it got to them and it sure did, so I sent them a card asking how the baby was and to call me sometime so we could catch up: still nothing. I have since sent them other gifts and cards and have not heard from them at all. Obviously the baby isn't going to call me to say thank you! But the parents are both perfectly capable of a simple phone call. Any time I call or text, I get ignored. This cousin's wife is a crazy bee though, so I'm sure that's why, but now I have decided to stop sending them anything.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

I'm with Friday. Kids learn what they are taught. These kids aren't being taught anything. No more gifts. If anyone is rude enough to ask, I'd tell them straight up that since nothing was ever acknowledged or appreciated, you were now spending that money on things that would be.

phira · December 2013

Stop sending gifts. You're not punishing the kids, I promise. If the kids are upset--and they might be--then the parents will get in touch with you, and you can explain exactly why you stopped sending gifts. Kids shouldn't learn that they don't have to thank people for gifts, and parents shouldn't learn that ... they don't need to thank people for gifts!

WildMagelet · December 2013

I would stop sending. The parents could have taken a few moments to go "Oh, these are from Uncle & Aunt indianaalum! Let's call/text/write them really quick to let them know how much you love and appreciate them!" If you can't take the two minutes it takes to thank the person who gave you the gift then obviously you don't want/need it that badly.

jessicabessica · December 2013

Depending on how old the kids are, you could get them stationary as a gift and see if anything clicks for them.

I also think it would be fine just to stop sending, and explain to them/their parents that you hadn't heard about all of your other gifts making it to them, so you figured you should stop (if they ask).

emmyg65 · December 2013

I'd stop sending them. I'm one of those people who won't get you a baby shower gift if you don't send a thank-you for the wedding present.

blabla89 · December 2013

When I was a kid, my great aunt sent me gifts and my parents never told me to send a thank you note. So one year my aunt sent me personalized stationery and explained what it was for. After that, I always sent thank you notes. It's a good teaching moment.

ETA: My mom got the hint too.

Chipmunk415 · December 2013

My nieces send sporadic thank you notes. Older one is 8.5, younger is 7. I got thank you notes last year for Christmas gifts, but haven't received any for birthdays this year.

Told my sister of the ongoing saga of my mother's brother and my cousin not sending a note and not cashing the check, and how I'd sent the now 14 year old cousin birthday and christmas gifts after I was independent and not on parents' support anymore- no note, after two years of this, I stopped sending anything to her because of a lack of any kind of acknowledgment. Hoping sister gets the hint, but sister and BIL have an entitlement complex that is sadly starting to show up in the girls. Debating getting the older girl that Dear Abby book on writing letters for all occasions to see if it clicks at all.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

I don't think it is necessary to send to thank you notes for birthday or Christmas gifts. A simple call saying thank you is enough.

Chipmunk415 · December 2013

But jdluvr, neither OP nor myself have even received a phone call. No acknowledgment whatsoever.

You and I will have to politely disagree re: sending thank you notes for birthday or Christmas gifts.

I think if you give the gift in person, and are thanked right there, you are in the clear, though a follow up note is nice. But if it is sent to you, you do not thank person face to face, a thank you note is in order. I have adopted family (adopted aunts and uncles) who do not send gifts to their bio nieces and nephews, but send gifts to me- why? because I always send a note thanking them and they appreciate me taking the time to do it.

Jen4948 · December 2013

jessicabessica said:

Depending on how old the kids are, you could get them stationary as a gift and see if anything clicks for them.

I also think it would be fine just to stop sending, and explain to them/their parents that you hadn't heard about all of your other gifts making it to them, so you figured you should stop (if they ask).

This is too passive-aggressive. And if they haven't caught on that they're supposed to send thank-yous no matter what kind of gift they receive, whenever they receive one, why would stationery drive that message home?

Just stop sending gifts, OP.

ei34 · December 2013

My niece and nephews (they range in age from 5-8) don't send me thank you cards for Christmas and birthday gifts. I don't expect them...of course I'm going to give them a gift for special occasions. They jump up and down and say "thank you! thank you!" when they receive and open the gift, and watching them play with their new toys is thanks enough. Sometimes my SILs text me pictures of the kids a few days later playing with their gifts, which is cute. However, in the OP's case, I can see how for people not giving gifts in person, receiving a thank you is acknowledging it was received. If your concern is whether or not the gift arrived, a call to the parents is appropriate.

Growing up my mother made my siblings and me send thank you cards for everything. I plan on making my own children do the same. (Old habits die hard But as an aunt / gift-giver, I don't think twice about not receiving a thank you card.

arrippa · December 2013

Growing up, we sent thank you cards for birthday gifts but not Christmas gifts. I think my parents thought since Christmas gifts tend to be a two way gifting, then it's not necessary. Since birthday party gifts are a one way gifting, we would send out thank you cards.

Liatris2010 · December 2013

No I would not keep sending. That being said, the parents should know why.
Next gift you send, call a week later to say "I hope Johnny is enjoying the present, we never know because we don't hear anything back after we send gifts." If TY cards don't appear after that, no more presents.

hoffse · December 2013

I would also stop sending gifts. Or back off on it slowly if you don't want it to be cold turkey.

When kids are very little their parents should take care of thank you notes. But by age 4 or 5, they should be signing their name or starting to try to write the words, I think.

Like PP's said, actions have consequences.

indianaalum · December 2013

Sorry, I got behind on reading. Both children are under the age of 7, so clearly not old enough to call me or send me a note on their own. Like I said, its more about "dear lord, can you just even confirm the gift was even received" that is annoying.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

Chipmunk415 said:

But jdluvr, neither OP nor myself have even received a phone call. No acknowledgment whatsoever.

You and I will have to politely disagree re: sending thank you notes for birthday or Christmas gifts.

I think if you give the gift in person, and are thanked right there, you are in the clear, though a follow up note is nice. But if it is sent to you, you do not thank person face to face, a thank you note is in order. I have adopted family (adopted aunts and uncles) who do not send gifts to their bio nieces and nephews, but send gifts to me- why? because I always send a note thanking them and they appreciate me taking the time to do it.

I do think they should call and thank you guys. I would much rather get a phone call from someone than a thank you note that I'm just going to recycle. I have honestly never heard of sending thank you cards for Christmas or birthday gifts. It must be a regional thing. To each their own. : )

OnionBreath · December 2013

That is tricky. Part of me wants to say yes, don't punish the kids... but its possible the parents aren't even saying where the gift came from.

if I sent gifts, I would be calling to verify they were received or better yet, say something to my mother who'd say something to my brother. It'd be even worse if my grandmother heard about it.

Chipmunk415 · December 2013

OP- when my nieces were younger (4 and 5 ish and below) I'd often get a picture drawn by one of them with my sister's note on the back thanking me on their behalf. I treasure those drawings they made for their Auntie.

Jdluvr- dunno about the regional thing. I live in North Florida, my parents are from PA and MA, and the adopted family I mentioned is in FL, upstate NY, NJ, SC, and CO. Spread all over the country.

NWR- lack of a thank you card when a child is involved

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