Wedding Etiquette Forum

I am the mother of the bride. The future mother in law already bought her dress. What do I do now?

My hopes are dashed. I finally get to be the mother of the bride, but my daughter's future mother in law
has already bought her dress, just 1 week after we got our daughter's dress. She's never contacted me
and when I complain to my daughter, all I hear is "YOU SHOULD CALL HER". Am I being stubborn
because I won't call her? Isn't it HER place to call me? And shouldn't she have called me first?
Bummed. Any suggestions will be appreciated!
Evelyn

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Re: I am the mother of the bride. The future mother in law already bought her dress. What do I do now?

  • I personally don't understand why you are upset.  Were you hoping to shop together?  She doesn't have to call you and let you know that she is purchasing her dress.
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  • Well, some folks are pretty big sticklers on the mother of the bride shopping first. Our mothers are coordinating and will likely even shop together. But a lot of folks here think this is an outdated tradition and will tell you to just go shopping and wear what you want.

    Have you thought about seeing if the mother of the groom would like to show her dress and go shopping with you?
  • The whole MOB buying a dress first and then telling the MOG what she bought is really out of date and hardly ever done anymore.  Just buy a dress that you like.
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  • Viczaesar said:

    Tradition =/= etiquette, and tradition is neither universal nor something that cannot be broken.


    That is why I was very careful to say tradition. I don't consider it an etiquette rule. And that was a direct response to OP, not any other post, jut in case it was misread that way.
  • If my FI told me his mother bought her dress for our wedding, I'd be flattered that she is that excited for me to marry her son. Also, yes, it's your daughter getting married, but it's also her son. There are a lot of ways to look at it. It's not a competition, and it doesn't stop you from finding a dress you love. Isn't this about your daughter and future son in law anyway? This seems like one of those little things that gets blown out of proportion for no reason. 
  • I understand the tradition, as it's the same where I'm from. However, it's really not a big deal. Just pick out a dress you like and wear that. You don't have to consult with anyone.
  • You wear whatever you want, and I'm sure you'll look amazing!
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  • Yeah, you have absolutely nothing to be upset about. Go buy yourself a fabulous dress that makes you feel beautiful and move on.
  • Im truly curious what you mean by "my hopes are dashed".
  • My husband's grandmother bought her dress first, before my mother did. No one cared. 

    I understand the tradition of MOB buying her dress first/having first "dibs" on colours, but that tradition is outdated, and it's really gone by the wayside.

    Buy whatever dress you want, and rock it. You will look amazing, and that's all that matters! 

    And if she picked a colour you like, well, so what? Wear that colour yourself if you want to! 
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I have already been mother of the groom. I called the bride's mom right away, as a courtesy before getting my dress for my son's wedding. I guess I expected the same courtesy from my daughter's future MIL. However, based on past events with her, I am not surprised that she went and purchased her dress for the wedding, not even a week after we bought my daughter's wedding dress.
    I will not feel obligated to call her any more. Thanks again for all of the advice/suggestions.
  • My FMIL had her dress way before I had mine, because she wore it for her other son's wedding 4 years ago.  Who am I or my mother to say she shouldn't wear it.  It doesn't matter who gets their dress first.  Go buy yourself a dress that makes you look and feel fabulous. 
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  • Ditto kmmssg 100%!  Unlike the wedding party, there is a good chance you're going to see the parents of the groom at multiple occasions throughout the year long after your daughter's wedding gown stops fitting her.    It's smart to play nice now.


  • The first place I ever heard of the future mother in-laws having to call each other about the dresses was here on the knot. It's not a thing that everyone even knows about. I am about 99.9% sure it's not going to even occur to my mother or future mother in-law to call one another about their dresses and they are both nice, polite, thoughtful women. It's always best to give others the benefit of the doubt because  some etiquette "rules" are really just etiquette customs that run in some circles but not others.
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  • I didn't realize this was a "tradition". Seems a silly issue to me. I agree that the tradition of placing the MOB before the MOG is rude- they are both mothers of the two people joining themselves in marriage equally. 

    No one can tell another adult what to wear. FMIL can wear whatever dress she likes, as can you. I don't see why it's a problem that she bought it a week after your daughter bought her dress. Maybe because she is excited for the wedding? Maybe she happened to see the perfect dress when she was out and about? Maybe the dress was on sale? Who knows, but it doesn't matter anyway. 

    I've never heard of the MOG calling the MOB first. I think my FMIL is wearing a dress she already owns. My mother just recently bought her dress (in Nov, and the wedding is in Jan), so if MOG waited until my mom bought hers to buy one, it would have been awhile (I bought my dress at the end of Feb). AND they are both wearing purple!! (the horror!). 

  • kgd7357kgd7357 member
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    edited December 2013
    I'm pretty sure my mom is not planning on consulting my FI's mom or vice versa. I never heard of this before. My mom is so cute, she keeps texting me pictures of the dresses she likes, and I think she finally found her favorite. I'm going to have a hot mama at my wedding! I'm 99% sure my FMIL will see it for the first time on our wedding day and it could very well be the same color as hers, which is already purchased. No big deal.
  • Evelyn1111,

    As you can probably tell from several of the posts here, the MOG's calling the MOB before buying the dress is not required, nor is it apparently common these days. I've never heard of such a thing.
    My MIL never called my mom. But my MIL is very kind and polite and there is NO history or aggression between her and my mom.

    It's very possible (probable, actually), that the MOG in question didn't call you, not because she wants to deny you some special courtesy, but rather because she didn't know she was "supposed to." Because she wasn't supposed to. It's an antiquated tradition that serves no purpose, that I'm guessing fewer and fewer people even know about it.

    There is no reason for your hopes to be dashed. Your daughter is getting married and you get to look fabulous in whatever you decide on. There's way more fun to be had in the future than anything that could have been gained from a phone call from the MOG.

    Give this woman the benefit of the doubt. This wedding will go a lot smoother if you aren't harboring hostility towards this woman for something she may not even know she did "wrong." I assume it would make your daughter happier too.

    Good luck. Have fun finding something beautiful to wear.
  • The only reason I can think of that this was even a tradition in the first place would be that 150 years ago, out on the frontier, you had one dressmaker in town, who made 3 different dresses and only carried 2 different colored fabrics. I can't even begin to think of what the odds are that whatever dress you end up picking will be the same as, or "clash" with her dress. Remember prom? No one consulted with anyone, you bought dresses, everyone looked great. Same thing applies here.
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  • kmmssg said:

    OK Ladies, I'll post  a little history lesson to give you the background on MOG calling MOB about dresses.

    This was still a bit of a thing back when I got married the first time in 1980 but maybe starting to wane a bit.

    So, you know how brides come on here and cry about their moms taking over the wedding planning and running the show totally? Well, there's some history there.

    Back in the day when weddings became social events, the bride's parents were expected to pay for it because the bride was (hopefully) out of high school, leaving daddy's house to go keep house for her new husband and rear some children.

    Since her parents were paying for it/hosting it, the MOB ran the show.  I kid you not when I say this was the shining moment of success or sheer failure for her in society.  She ran the show her way and quite often the bride and groom were literally lucky to be invited. I's sure there were some kind MOBs who cared about what the kids wanted, but it was pretty common for MOB to pick out all the dresses, flowers, everything.

    It was also during this time that the phrase "MOGS are supposed to wear beige, show up, and shut up" came from.  The MOG was to call the MOB to see she would be wearing and what level of formality was appropriate.  It was considered rude to not wait for MOB to buy her dress first.  It was the height of embarrassment and social ineptitude to outshine the MOB if your were MOG.  MOGs had no role in wedding planning.

    And, now you know where the MOB picks her dress first thingy came from.

     

    So true!! And in my very tiny hometown, still true. My SIL's mother and my mother did this for my brother and SIL's wedding.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • @HisGirlFriday - I have been meaning to tell you that I think your DH is absolutely awesome the way he handles his grandmother.  I never tire of what he has had to say to her.  I do, however, marvel at how she just REFUSES to see that life has changed for good and she isn't going to get what she wants by pulling her crap!
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