NWR: Am I being unreasonable?

CallaLily25 · December 2013

So as much as I love the holidays, they do bring a bit of stress due to FMIL.

Background info:
. FI and I live apart (but he spends his time pretty much exclusively at my house)
. We did not spend Thanksgiving together. FMIL loves hosting Thanksgiving, but wanted FI to stay there the whole time so we couldn't split it up between our two families. I chose not to fight it and went to my Aunt's house to see my cousins who I hadn't seen in months.
. We spend every Christmas day together with his whole family and my whole family at my parents' house.
. FI sleeps at his parents' house on Christmas Eve every year in order to wake up there and open presents in the morning (per his mom's request).

Usually on Christmas Eve, FI stays with his family the entire day. They hang out at home and eat Chinese food and bake. However, this year, my family has decided to go to visit my grandparents because they are not well. Also, my cousin just had a baby and we'd like to meet/see the baby for the first time. FI was going to come with us and see his family in the morning/afternoon of Christmas Eve only.

Well, FMIL called FI hysterically crying and now FI doesn't know if he should go with me or not. I think it's entirely ridiculous and splitting the day up should be a perfectly reasonable compromise. FMIL thinks that she "only has FI for one more year" (until we get married) and "tradition" is they spend every single part of the day and night together on Christmas Eve (until FMIL goes to bed, then everyone can do what they want).

Am I being insensitive? I'm just not sure.

misshart00 · December 2013

Sorry, I couldn't get past that he stays at his parents house on Christmas eve so he can open presents with them. How old is he?

ktjanesmom · December 2013

She is the one being unreasonable. As the mom of grown kids, one married, one engaged, one just 22, I had to learn to accept these changes. As long as my kids are happy,I am happy and I do my best not to interfere. A talk with son and mom is probably a good idea.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

FMIL is being a drama queen. And you have a big problem if your FI is able to be swayed by her manipulative guilt trips so easily. What happens when you have kids? You need to decide together what you are going to do, and both of you need to stand firm on those decisions. If he can't stand up to her, then he's not ready to get married. And you shouldn't have to split up on holidays unless that's what you BOTH agree is the best course of action. I think you're doing a fine job of trying to split things up fairly equally. Too bad your FI isn't on the same page as you.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

Wooow...to me it sounds like you might have a FI issue.... how old is your FI?

misshart00 · December 2013

Also,after you get married, she'll probably still expect him to do all these things.

CallaLily25 · December 2013

Wooow...to me it sounds like you might have a FI issue.... how old is your FI?

<stuck in the box>

He just turned 25. He's slowly starting to stand up to her, luckily. I used to back down because her dramatics were just so ridiculous that I couldn't take it, but we're both realizing that if we don't stand up to her now, she'll continue to do this.

When we have kids, we plan on spending Christmas Eve by ourselves and seeing our families on Christmas. This is why I think she's freaking out a bit more this year.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

CallaLily25 said:

So as much as I love the holidays, they do bring a bit of stress due to FMIL.

Background info:
. FI and I live apart (but he spends his time pretty much exclusively at my house)
. We did not spend Thanksgiving together. FMIL loves hosting Thanksgiving, but wanted FI to stay there the whole time so we couldn't split it up between our two families. I chose not to fight it and went to my Aunt's house to see my cousins who I hadn't seen in months.
. We spend every Christmas day together with his whole family and my whole family at my parents' house.
. FI sleeps at his parents' house on Christmas Eve every year in order to wake up there and open presents in the morning (per his mom's request).

Usually on Christmas Eve, FI stays with his family the entire day. They hang out at home and eat Chinese food and bake. However, this year, my family has decided to go to visit my grandparents because they are not well. Also, my cousin just had a baby and we'd like to meet/see the baby for the first time. FI was going to come with us and see his family in the morning/afternoon of Christmas Eve only.

Well, FMIL called FI hysterically crying and now FI doesn't know if he should go with me or not. I think it's entirely ridiculous and splitting the day up should be a perfectly reasonable compromise. FMIL thinks that she "only has FI for one more year" (until we get married) and "tradition" is they spend every single part of the day and night together on Christmas Eve (until FMIL goes to bed, then everyone can do what they want).

Am I being insensitive? I'm just not sure.

So, let me see if I've got this straight.

Your FI already spent ALL of Thanksgiving with his family. And now his mother wants ALL of Christmas Eve and ALL of Christmas Day -- in part so he can sleep at her house and open his presents (ditto @misshart00 -- how old is he??).

You have a FMIL problem, and you have a FI problem. Your FI should have shut down his mother when she made her demands at Thanksgiving. He should have said, "OK, Mom, I'll spend ALL of Thanksgiving here, but that means I'm spending Christmas with CallaLily25's family, not here. She and I are a couple, and we don't want to be split up for the holidays."

Because he didn't, she has the (unreasonable in general but not unreasonable specifically because FI has given into her on it before) expectation that he will treat his holidays now exactly as he did before you and he were engaged. And that has to stop. He needs to man up and tell her, "Mom, CallyLily25 comes first now, and that means doing holidays with her and her family, so I will not be here for Christmas Eve. We will see you Christmas Day at X time."

You're not being unreasonable -- and you do have my sympathies. DH's grandmother DEMANDED that we spend Thanksgiving with her. Fine, whatever. Then she said to us, "But since you spent Christmas with HisGirl's family last year, that means I get Christmas this year." And DH said, "No, you don't. You get one holiday, and you demanded that it be Thanksgiving, so that's what you get."

She's not happy about it, but he is standing firm on it, and no amount of guilt-tripping from her is swaying his opinion. We offered to see her Christmas Eve for lunch and she said, "No, if I can't have Christmas Day itself, I don't want anything."

DH looked her square in the eye and said, "Fine. We'll see you next year sometime, then." And walked away.

She called him a few hours later, contrite, and we're now seeing her the Saturday before Christmas for lunch.

CallaLily25 · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

CallaLily25 said:

So as much as I love the holidays, they do bring a bit of stress due to FMIL.

Background info:
. FI and I live apart (but he spends his time pretty much exclusively at my house)
. We did not spend Thanksgiving together. FMIL loves hosting Thanksgiving, but wanted FI to stay there the whole time so we couldn't split it up between our two families. I chose not to fight it and went to my Aunt's house to see my cousins who I hadn't seen in months.
. We spend every Christmas day together with his whole family and my whole family at my parents' house.
. FI sleeps at his parents' house on Christmas Eve every year in order to wake up there and open presents in the morning (per his mom's request).

Usually on Christmas Eve, FI stays with his family the entire day. They hang out at home and eat Chinese food and bake. However, this year, my family has decided to go to visit my grandparents because they are not well. Also, my cousin just had a baby and we'd like to meet/see the baby for the first time. FI was going to come with us and see his family in the morning/afternoon of Christmas Eve only.

Well, FMIL called FI hysterically crying and now FI doesn't know if he should go with me or not. I think it's entirely ridiculous and splitting the day up should be a perfectly reasonable compromise. FMIL thinks that she "only has FI for one more year" (until we get married) and "tradition" is they spend every single part of the day and night together on Christmas Eve (until FMIL goes to bed, then everyone can do what they want).

Am I being insensitive? I'm just not sure.

So, let me see if I've got this straight.

Your FI already spent ALL of Thanksgiving with his family. And now his mother wants ALL of Christmas Eve and ALL of Christmas Day -- in part so he can sleep at her house and open his presents (ditto @misshart00 -- how old is he??).

You have a FMIL problem, and you have a FI problem. Your FI should have shut down his mother when she made her demands at Thanksgiving. He should have said, "OK, Mom, I'll spend ALL of Thanksgiving here, but that means I'm spending Christmas with CallaLily25's family, not here. She and I are a couple, and we don't want to be split up for the holidays."

Because he didn't, she has the (unreasonable in general but not unreasonable specifically because FI has given into her on it before) expectation that he will treat his holidays now exactly as he did before you and he were engaged. And that has to stop. He needs to man up and tell her, "Mom, CallyLily25 comes first now, and that means doing holidays with her and her family, so I will not be here for Christmas Eve. We will see you Christmas Day at X time."

You're not being unreasonable -- and you do have my sympathies. DH's grandmother DEMANDED that we spend Thanksgiving with her. Fine, whatever. Then she said to us, "But since you spent Christmas with HisGirl's family last year, that means I get Christmas this year." And DH said, "No, you don't. You get one holiday, and you demanded that it be Thanksgiving, so that's what you get."

She's not happy about it, but he is standing firm on it, and no amount of guilt-tripping from her is swaying his opinion. We offered to see her Christmas Eve for lunch and she said, "No, if I can't have Christmas Day itself, I don't want anything."

DH looked her square in the eye and said, "Fine. We'll see you next year sometime, then." And walked away.

She called him a few hours later, contrite, and we're now seeing her the Saturday before Christmas for lunch.

This is amazing advice. Thank you so much!

Jen4948 · December 2013

CallaLily25 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

CallaLily25 said:

So as much as I love the holidays, they do bring a bit of stress due to FMIL.

Background info:
. FI and I live apart (but he spends his time pretty much exclusively at my house)
. We did not spend Thanksgiving together. FMIL loves hosting Thanksgiving, but wanted FI to stay there the whole time so we couldn't split it up between our two families. I chose not to fight it and went to my Aunt's house to see my cousins who I hadn't seen in months.
. We spend every Christmas day together with his whole family and my whole family at my parents' house.
. FI sleeps at his parents' house on Christmas Eve every year in order to wake up there and open presents in the morning (per his mom's request).

Usually on Christmas Eve, FI stays with his family the entire day. They hang out at home and eat Chinese food and bake. However, this year, my family has decided to go to visit my grandparents because they are not well. Also, my cousin just had a baby and we'd like to meet/see the baby for the first time. FI was going to come with us and see his family in the morning/afternoon of Christmas Eve only.

Well, FMIL called FI hysterically crying and now FI doesn't know if he should go with me or not. I think it's entirely ridiculous and splitting the day up should be a perfectly reasonable compromise. FMIL thinks that she "only has FI for one more year" (until we get married) and "tradition" is they spend every single part of the day and night together on Christmas Eve (until FMIL goes to bed, then everyone can do what they want).

Am I being insensitive? I'm just not sure.

So, let me see if I've got this straight.

Your FI already spent ALL of Thanksgiving with his family. And now his mother wants ALL of Christmas Eve and ALL of Christmas Day -- in part so he can sleep at her house and open his presents (ditto @misshart00 -- how old is he??).

You have a FMIL problem, and you have a FI problem. Your FI should have shut down his mother when she made her demands at Thanksgiving. He should have said, "OK, Mom, I'll spend ALL of Thanksgiving here, but that means I'm spending Christmas with CallaLily25's family, not here. She and I are a couple, and we don't want to be split up for the holidays."

Because he didn't, she has the (unreasonable in general but not unreasonable specifically because FI has given into her on it before) expectation that he will treat his holidays now exactly as he did before you and he were engaged. And that has to stop. He needs to man up and tell her, "Mom, CallyLily25 comes first now, and that means doing holidays with her and her family, so I will not be here for Christmas Eve. We will see you Christmas Day at X time."

You're not being unreasonable -- and you do have my sympathies. DH's grandmother DEMANDED that we spend Thanksgiving with her. Fine, whatever. Then she said to us, "But since you spent Christmas with HisGirl's family last year, that means I get Christmas this year." And DH said, "No, you don't. You get one holiday, and you demanded that it be Thanksgiving, so that's what you get."

She's not happy about it, but he is standing firm on it, and no amount of guilt-tripping from her is swaying his opinion. We offered to see her Christmas Eve for lunch and she said, "No, if I can't have Christmas Day itself, I don't want anything."

DH looked her square in the eye and said, "Fine. We'll see you next year sometime, then." And walked away.

She called him a few hours later, contrite, and we're now seeing her the Saturday before Christmas for lunch.

This is amazing advice. Thank you so much!

This in its entirety. Your FI needs to understand that as you are a couple, sometimes that means that he can't spend holidays with his family, and your FMIL needs to grow up and accept that without crying or trying to make him feel guilty.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@CallaLily25 -- you're welcome! I have had my fair share of battles with DH's grandmother (actually, he has, because I refuse to speak to her unless I absolutely have to).

The other day, when she asked about doing something on an upcoming Saturday, he said, "Let me ask HisGirl if that works for her or if we have other plans."

His grandmother said, "Oh, so you have to ask HisGirl now. You didn't use to have to ask anyone for permission to do things -- before, when you were single."

He said, "But I'm not single. I'm a husband, and HisGirl is my wife, and my highest priority. You know that, you just don't like it, and that's not my problem."

She's also asked him, "So, are you happy, or are you going to divorce her and move back home and take care of me like I planned?" (She raised him).

This is why I don't talk to her.

kmmssg · December 2013

My kids are 18, 27, 29, 31, and 33. Part of growing up as a mother is accepting that your kids will not always be there on the holidays. It TRULY sucks, but it is part of life and it is the way it should be when they start families of their own.

Is this your FMIL's first kid to get married? Has she never had a child leave the nest and get married, have in-laws and obligations to them too? If not, she is learning a hard lesson. She is also being a freaking drama queen about it.

Then, there is your FI. He needs to grow a pair now, tell him mom that she doesn't get all the holiday time this year because he is engaged and also has obligations to your family. He is part of the problem here. He seriously just knuckled under to her on Thanksgiving?

You guys need to have a talk and set your boundaries right now. My girls are adamant that they stay home on Christmas Day now. We are welcome to come over if we wish, but they aren't making the world tour rounds to hit three sets of parents and see how much they can run their children ragged. I WHOLE HEARTEDLY endorse their decision. We get together on whatever day works best so we can celebrate when it works for everyone. This year it is on the 26th.

Have a discussion with FI about setting boundaries, get on the same page, and then he needs to tell his mother how he has chosen to spend the holidays. She only has him for one more year? Pulease. My oldest DD has been married for almost 9 years and I can promise you her FMIL didn't lose her son in the deal. She is amazing about sharing holidays and respecting their time as a family too.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

kmmssg said:

My kids are 18, 27, 29, 31, and 33. Part of growing up as a mother is accepting that your kids will not always be there on the holidays. It TRULY sucks, but it is part of life and it is the way it should be when they start families of their own.

Is this your FMIL's first kid to get married? Has she never had a child leave the nest and get married, have in-laws and obligations to them too? If not, she is learning a hard lesson. She is also being a freaking drama queen about it.

Then, there is your FI. He needs to grow a pair now, tell him mom that she doesn't get all the holiday time this year because he is engaged and also has obligations to your family. He is part of the problem here. He seriously just knuckled under to her on Thanksgiving?

You guys need to have a talk and set your boundaries right now. My girls are adamant that they stay home on Christmas Day now. We are welcome to come over if we wish, but they aren't making the world tour rounds to hit three sets of parents and see how much they can run their children ragged. I WHOLE HEARTEDLY endorse their decision. We get together on whatever day works best so we can celebrate when it works for everyone. This year it is on the 26th.

Have a discussion with FI about setting boundaries, get on the same page, and then he needs to tell his mother how he has chosen to spend the holidays. She only has him for one more year? Pulease. My oldest DD has been married for almost 9 years and I can promise you her FMIL didn't lose her son in the deal. She is amazing about sharing holidays and respecting their time as a family too.

@kmmssg ...you are awesome! I wish you were my mom!

kmmssg · December 2013

smalfrie19 said: kmmssg said: My kids are 18, 27, 29, 31, and 33. Part of growing up as a mother is accepting that your kids will not always be there on the holidays. It TRULY sucks, but it is part of life and it is the way it should be when they start families of their own.
Is this your FMIL's first kid to get married? Has she never had a child leave the nest and get married, have in-laws and obligations to them too? If not, she is learning a hard lesson. She is also being a freaking drama queen about it.
Then, there is your FI. He needs to grow a pair now, tell him mom that she doesn't get all the holiday time this year because he is engaged and also has obligations to your family. He is part of the problem here. He seriously just knuckled under to her on Thanksgiving?
You guys need to have a talk and set your boundaries right now. My girls are adamant that they stay home on Christmas Day now. We are welcome to come over if we wish, but they aren't making the world tour rounds to hit three sets of parents and see how much they can run their children ragged. I WHOLE HEARTEDLY endorse their decision. We get together on whatever day works best so we can celebrate when it works for everyone. This year it is on the 26th.
Have a discussion with FI about setting boundaries, get on the same page, and then he needs to tell his mother how he has chosen to spend the holidays. She only has him for one more year? Pulease. My oldest DD has been married for almost 9 years and I can promise you her FMIL didn't lose her son in the deal. She is amazing about sharing holidays and respecting their time as a family too.@kmmssg ...you are awesome! I wish you were my mom!
Well, thank you very much! I do have to tell you that it is super tough to let your kids go when the holidays roll around. Think about it: you watch them grow up around the tree, you watch them discover what Santa brought, if you are a holiday person, having your family around for the holidays is everything! Then what happens? Those ungrateful little buggers grow up, find a mate and start a family. You are left to RELEARN how to do this holiday thingy and it is hard at first. Really hard. Kinda like your heart hurts a little bit hard.

But, you know what? All of us moms and mothers-in-law left our families and started our own traditions too! Back then it was exciting and new and wonderful! Just like it is for all of you ladies as you start your marriages and families. Now it is our turn to deal with the circle of life and let our kids go - mine sure as Hell keep coming back, let me tell ya!

So, before I step off my soapbox, I just want to encourage all of you to decide with your FI/DH what your traditions will be and set those boundaries. Don't run yourselves or your future babies ragged - it isn't worth it! A holiday can be celebrated any time you want, not just when Hallmark or the Calendar say you have to.

cruffino · December 2013

FI and I both have families who want us to spend the holidays with them. So he and I had a discussion about what would work best for *US* as a couple, not what works best for our respective families.

Similar to hisgirl, we spent thanksgiving with his parents. His mom then assumed that we were spending Christmas there as well since we spent Christmas with my family last year. He quickly shut that down and told her that we were spending Christmas with my family (based on our previous discussion and agreement).

She was kind of pissy and later sent an email to the whole family saying that since she wouldn't be seeing FI *at all* on Christmas, she wanted to have a family lunch on the Saturday before Christmas. Fine, whatever. We didn't have plans that day.

So bottom line is that you and your FI need to get on the same page asap or your FMIL is going to be dictating your choices with guilt and antics for the rest of her life. Eff that noise. Your FI needs to put his mom in her place.

AddieCake · December 2013

I don't understand parents freaking out if their grown children have to miss a holiday gathering now and then.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

This kind of story makes me feel very lucky. My FI's family and my family all spend Christmas Eve together at either my parents, his parents or sometimes our house. Then we get to spend Christmas Day in our own. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I think that FMIL has to realize that things are going to change when it comes to holiday arrangements.

ac411020 · December 2013

For the past 2 years we have spent Christmas eve with my family, and Christmas day with FI's family. This worked well because my family celebrates on Christmas eve and his family celebrates on Christmas day. Starting LAST Christmas, my FMIL started asking us if we could come to some party this Christmas eve AND spend Christmas day with them. I said no way, because we wouldn't see my family at all. She asked a couple of more times throughout the year, and just asked us again on Thanksgiving if we were coming to the party on Christmas eve! Luckily, my FI said no, we will see you Christmas Day. You're FI needs to stand up to his mom. She will have to deal with it, that's what happens when your kids grow up.

ac411020 · December 2013

double post sorry!

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

I'm sure my mom is glad my FI's family is Jewish.

But I stay at my parent's house on Christmas eve as well (with FI) and we all open presents in the morning, and I'm in my 30s. And my FI and I stayed at our respective parents houses on Thanksgiving eve and Thanksgiving night (mine live 2 hours away, his live 20 minutes away). However, my FI has an unconventional work schedule and works every Thanksgiving, unless he specifically asks for it off, so it made sense to go our separate ways. But we are both fine with this arrangement, and it works for us.

I'm sure our plans will change when we have children.

banana468 · December 2013

Ditto everyone else. It's not uncommon for a mom to have issues letting go and it's also not uncommon for her son to not realize that he's doing it all wrong.

But you two need to talk and come up with a way to spend the holidays TOGETHER. Then the parents are told and not asked what the plans will be. If you're grown enough to be married you're certainly grown enough to tell other grown adults the word no.

CallaLily25 · December 2013

Thank you everyone for the great advice! I'm going to have a long talk with FI tonight. I think after years of placating his mother, he has established horrible patterns of behavior and it needs to end now.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

Say it with love callalilly25.

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

kmmssg said:

smalfrie19 said:

kmmssg said:

My kids are 18, 27, 29, 31, and 33. Part of growing up as a mother is accepting that your kids will not always be there on the holidays. It TRULY sucks, but it is part of life and it is the way it should be when they start families of their own.

Is this your FMIL's first kid to get married? Has she never had a child leave the nest and get married, have in-laws and obligations to them too? If not, she is learning a hard lesson. She is also being a freaking drama queen about it.

Then, there is your FI. He needs to grow a pair now, tell him mom that she doesn't get all the holiday time this year because he is engaged and also has obligations to your family. He is part of the problem here. He seriously just knuckled under to her on Thanksgiving?

You guys need to have a talk and set your boundaries right now. My girls are adamant that they stay home on Christmas Day now. We are welcome to come over if we wish, but they aren't making the world tour rounds to hit three sets of parents and see how much they can run their children ragged. I WHOLE HEARTEDLY endorse their decision. We get together on whatever day works best so we can celebrate when it works for everyone. This year it is on the 26th.

Have a discussion with FI about setting boundaries, get on the same page, and then he needs to tell his mother how he has chosen to spend the holidays. She only has him for one more year? Pulease. My oldest DD has been married for almost 9 years and I can promise you her FMIL didn't lose her son in the deal. She is amazing about sharing holidays and respecting their time as a family too.
@kmmssg ...you are awesome! I wish you were my mom!

Well, thank you very much! I do have to tell you that it is super tough to let your kids go when the holidays roll around. Think about it: you watch them grow up around the tree, you watch them discover what Santa brought, if you are a holiday person, having your family around for the holidays is everything! Then what happens? Those ungrateful little buggers grow up, find a mate and start a family. You are left to RELEARN how to do this holiday thingy and it is hard at first. Really hard. Kinda like your heart hurts a little bit hard.

But, you know what? All of us moms and mothers-in-law left our families and started our own traditions too! Back then it was exciting and new and wonderful! Just like it is for all of you ladies as you start your marriages and families. Now it is our turn to deal with the circle of life and let our kids go - mine sure as Hell keep coming back, let me tell ya!

So, before I step off my soapbox, I just want to encourage all of you to decide with your FI/DH what your traditions will be and set those boundaries. Don't run yourselves or your future babies ragged - it isn't worth it! A holiday can be celebrated any time you want, not just when Hallmark or the Calendar say you have to.

The bolded is so true! This year, my BF told me he wanted to spend Thanksgiving at my apartment, just the two of us. I went out, bought alllll these groceries, and then the night before his mom calls to say "We're expecting you tomorrow!" At first I was a little annoyed, having bought all this food, and I was freaking out because in the year and a half we've been together, I've never spent that much time with his mom. The day turned out wonderfully, and we just moved our private dinner to Sunday. We spent the whole day cooking, blasting R&B Christmas music on Pandora, guzzling wine and having a blast together. For Christmas, we're going to visit my family in NY for a couple days and then making our way back to Boston on Christmas Day to spend with his family. It's all about compromise and making it work for the BOTH of you, which means being a united front when it comes to families.

SP29 · December 2013

Great advice.

No, you are not being unreasonable. And FI needs to set the boundaries with his mom, based on the decisions the two of you made.

I won't be "home" (we live out of province) until the 26th this year. My parents are separated. This year, my mom has my brother's over at her house for Christmas Eve, and then my dad is taking them Christmas Day to celebrate at his gf's house with their family. FI is going back earlier than I am, and will spend Christmas Eve/Day with his dad. Then when I am there we are trying to plan something with FBILs family for the 27th/28th. Craziness! And I'm only there for part of it. In some ways, it works out well that FMIL does not celebrate holidays (for religious reasons).

krizzo17 · December 2013

But, you know what? All of us moms and mothers-in-law left our families and started our own traditions too! Back then it was exciting and new and wonderful! Just like it is for all of you ladies as you start your marriages and families. Now it is our turn to deal with the circle of life and let our kids go - mine sure as Hell keep coming back, let me tell ya!

See, the problem I have (and I'm sure other women here have had, too) is that my MIL didn't ever step out and start her own traditions. She has spent every holiday of her life with her parents and brother. Her first husband (H's bio-dad) only kept in touch with his mother, who just went with them to visit MIL's family, and her second husband (who raised H) just went along with the current arrangements and saw his own family at other times. So imagine the horror the first time I suggested that we won't see them every holiday (our families live an hour and a half apart; we tried the "splitting" thing once, and it was a pain in the butt.)

The advice is the same, though. Determine with your FI how the two of you want to spend your future holidays (and as long as you both agree, I don't really think there's a "wrong" answer). When it comes up in conversation, relay this information to your parents and in laws. It's much easier to lay the groundwork at this stage than it is to backpedal on what you've been doing for 10 years of marriage when you can't take it anymore.

Drewsgirl31 · December 2013

I completely agree with OP! While I married a mommas boy, I have a really good relationship with her. But the holidays have always been a little *off*. Dh was married before he met me, so until 5 years ago they spent every christmas eve and day at his moms house. When we got together, I had. 3 year old and a huge family that we had our own traditions we wanted to keep. Like Christmas eve at my aunts, Christmas morning with my daughter then my moms later that day. Now we have a son who will be 2 in jan and last Christmas was almost awful. My MIL was insisting she would be at our house to see him open gifts for the first time. Luckily my dh was on "my side" and agreed that Christmas morning is our time as a family. She still gets an overnight and full day with us and my sil/bil and their kids (not always on christmas but it still counts) and my family gets time with us as well. I would figure out a way to compromise but the family you're making ultimately comes before anything else.

CallaLily25 · December 2013

I really appreciate all of your advice! I had a chance to talk a little bit with my FI last night, but we are continuing the conversation after work today.

BUT, now my mom is telling me I need to "let this go." She is insisting that I'm being unreasonable. Is there something I'm not seeing here?

Drewsgirl31 · December 2013

Not that I can tell. But it is important to figure out regardless for in the future. My MIL goes to my SIL house to watch my niece and nephew open gifts, my SIL requests that and loves it, my BIL hates it. He thinks like we do, that should be our time as our own family, our MIL gets her time with us, a night of food/drinking/baking/family and then seeing all her kids and grand kids wake up the next day to all the gifts under the tree and a huge breakfast. Like a pp said, you don't want to spend your holidays running every where especially once kids are in the picture, it doesn't make for a good time with cranky little ones.

CallaLily25 · December 2013

FI and I talked, and we definitely want to have Christmas Eve by ourselves...especially when we have kids. I know this isn't going to go well with FMIL.

My mom knows our future plans, so she thinks I should just "let FMIL have this one" since when we're married we can do our own thing. My mom often acts like until we're married, I don't have any right to say that FI spends holidays with me and not his family. I think it should always be a mutual decision and compromise regardless of if we're married or not.

BMoreBride6 · December 2013

I agree with all the PP's. It is so important that you deal with this now. I can almost promise it will not change just because you get married. Then you will have kids and she will still insist on doing things her way. Sounds like you have a good handle on talking it over

NWR: Am I being unreasonable?

Re: NWR: Am I being unreasonable?

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