I am the mother of the bride. The future mother in law already bought her dress. What do I do now?

Evelyn1111 · December 2013

My hopes are dashed. I finally get to be the mother of the bride, but my daughter's future mother in law

has already bought her dress, just 1 week after we got our daughter's dress. She's never contacted me

and when I complain to my daughter, all I hear is "YOU SHOULD CALL HER". Am I being stubborn

because I won't call her? Isn't it HER place to call me? And shouldn't she have called me first?

Bummed. Any suggestions will be appreciated!

Evelyn

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

Yeah, you have absolutely nothing to be upset about. Go buy yourself a fabulous dress that makes you feel beautiful and move on.

Jen4948 · December 2013

Tradition notwithstanding, there's no reason you can't buy yourself a wonderful dress that makes you look and feel beautiful, regardless of what the MOG is wearing.

Truth is, it's not up to any adult to decide what any other adult wears outside a work situation and outside the bride choosing bridesmaids' dresses. This just doesn't fall in those categories.

Viczaesar · December 2013

Evelyn1111 said:

My hopes are dashed. I finally get to be the mother of the bride, but my daughter's future mother in law
has already bought her dress, just 1 week after we got our daughter's dress. She's never contacted me
and when I complain to my daughter, all I hear is "YOU SHOULD CALL HER". Am I being stubborn
because I won't call her? Isn't it HER place to call me? And shouldn't she have called me first?
Bummed. Any suggestions will be appreciated!
Evelyn

What? Why does someone else buying a dress dash your hopes? Hopes of what?

It's nobody's job to call anyone. You wear what you want. She wears what she wants. If you're worried about wearing a similar dress then call her and ask what she is wearing. It's not her job to run her clothing choices past you.

ohmrs2014 · December 2013

I personally don't understand why you are upset. Were you hoping to shop together? She doesn't have to call you and let you know that she is purchasing her dress.

kitty8403 · December 2013

Well, some folks are pretty big sticklers on the mother of the bride shopping first. Our mothers are coordinating and will likely even shop together. But a lot of folks here think this is an outdated tradition and will tell you to just go shopping and wear what you want.

Have you thought about seeing if the mother of the groom would like to show her dress and go shopping with you?

doeydo · December 2013

The whole MOB buying a dress first and then telling the MOG what she bought is really out of date and hardly ever done anymore. Just buy a dress that you like.

Viczaesar · December 2013

kitty8403 said:

Well, some folks are pretty big sticklers on the mother of the bride shopping first. Our mothers are coordinating and will likely even shop together. But a lot of folks here think this is an outdated tradition and will tell you to just go shopping and wear what you want. Have you thought about seeing if the mother of the groom would like to show her dress and go shopping with you?

Tradition =/= etiquette, and tradition is neither universal nor something that cannot be broken.

kitty8403 · December 2013

Viczaesar said:

kitty8403 said:

Well, some folks are pretty big sticklers on the mother of the bride shopping first. Our mothers are coordinating and will likely even shop together. But a lot of folks here think this is an outdated tradition and will tell you to just go shopping and wear what you want.

Have you thought about seeing if the mother of the groom would like to show her dress and go shopping with you?

Tradition =/= etiquette, and tradition is neither universal nor something that cannot be broken.

That is why I was very careful to say tradition. I don't consider it an etiquette rule. And that was a direct response to OP, not any other post, jut in case it was misread that way.

missnc77 · December 2013

If my FI told me his mother bought her dress for our wedding, I'd be flattered that she is that excited for me to marry her son. Also, yes, it's your daughter getting married, but it's also her son. There are a lot of ways to look at it. It's not a competition, and it doesn't stop you from finding a dress you love. Isn't this about your daughter and future son in law anyway? This seems like one of those little things that gets blown out of proportion for no reason.

manateehugger · December 2013

Wow - I'm sorry, but you sound ridiculous. How could a woman buying a friggin dress do this much emotional damage? She has a child getting married too, you know. She is under zero obligation to get an "ok" from you to go buy her own dress.

My suggestion is you get over it - fast - and then ask your daughter to help you find a dress and have a lovely mother-daughter shopping date.

ETA: Also, I hate this "tradition." To me, it implies the MOB is more important. My poor FMIL didn't buy a dress she saw in the store and loved because she was afraid to upset my mother (who would never have cared). No one should have to feel like they can't wear what they love or less important, especially the MOG.

misshart00 · December 2013

I understand the tradition, as it's the same where I'm from. However, it's really not a big deal. Just pick out a dress you like and wear that. You don't have to consult with anyone.

Evelyn1111 · December 2013

Thanks for all of your help It is interesting to hear the variety of answers and opinions

and I will happily go on my way and get the dress I want. And I am glad that I don't have to feel badly if I don't call the future MIL.

AddieCake · December 2013

You wear whatever you want, and I'm sure you'll look amazing!

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

Yeah, you have absolutely nothing to be upset about. Go buy yourself a fabulous dress that makes you feel beautiful and move on.

ktjanesmom · December 2013

Im truly curious what you mean by "my hopes are dashed".

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

My husband's grandmother bought her dress first, before my mother did. No one cared.

I understand the tradition of MOB buying her dress first/having first "dibs" on colours, but that tradition is outdated, and it's really gone by the wayside.

Buy whatever dress you want, and rock it. You will look amazing, and that's all that matters!

And if she picked a colour you like, well, so what? Wear that colour yourself if you want to!

Evelyn1111 · December 2013

I have already been mother of the groom. I called the bride's mom right away, as a courtesy before getting my dress for my son's wedding. I guess I expected the same courtesy from my daughter's future MIL. However, based on past events with her, I am not surprised that she went and purchased her dress for the wedding, not even a week after we bought my daughter's wedding dress.

I will not feel obligated to call her any more. Thanks again for all of the advice/suggestions.

manateehugger · December 2013

Evelyn1111 said:

I have already been mother of the groom. I called the bride's mom right away, as a courtesy before getting my dress for my son's wedding. I guess I expected the same courtesy from my daughter's future MIL. However, based on past events with her, I am not surprised that she went and purchased her dress for the wedding, not even a week after we bought my daughter's wedding dress.
I will not feel obligated to call her any more. Thanks again for all of the advice/suggestions.

Right, but what we are saying is you didn't need to call your son's MIL either. There's no rule about the mothers' dresses. What does her getting her dress a week after your daughter getting her dress have to do with anything?

kmmssg · December 2013

Evelyn1111 said:

I have already been mother of the groom. I called the bride's mom right away, as a courtesy before getting my dress for my son's wedding. I guess I expected the same courtesy from my daughter's future MIL. However, based on past events with her, I am not surprised that she went and purchased her dress for the wedding, not even a week after we bought my daughter's wedding dress.
I will not feel obligated to call her any more. Thanks again for all of the advice/suggestions.

Hi Evelyn - I am on my 4th rodeo as Mother of the Bride. My last DD gets married next June. Whew!

I really want to encourage you to let the dress thing go. I also really encourage you to lose the passive aggressive " However, based on past events with her, I am not surprised that she went and purchased her dress for the wedding" kind of attitude.

WHY was it wrong of her to do that? I have to tell you that I have never ever coordinated with any of the MOG's or expected them to wait til I got a dress to choose theirs. I feel it is incredibly disrespectful to them. I refuse to treat them in such a manner. If my son ever gets married (swears he will never do anything more than a JOP, but we'll see when the times comes) I have NO intention of coordinating with his future mother in law! My daughters' mother-in-law's have all been dressing themselves wonderfully for years. They do not need to coordinate with me or see how formal I go with my dress. They need to choose what will make them feel beautiful and rock it!

There is NOTHING wrong with your DD's FMIL purchasing her dress a week after your DD bought hers. Why do you see this as an issue? You seem highly offended that she dared buy a dress once your DD bought one. Why?

I will also encourage you on one more thing. I have 6 beautiful grandchildren. I share them with their other grandmother - you know, the one I refused to coordinate dresses with? If your DD and FSIL decide to have a family one day, it will behoove you greatly to get along with her and to drop the passive aggressive attitude with her/about her. If you make family get-togethers difficult and uncomfortable, you might find yourself lonely sometimes. Embrace this and stop competing with her.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

My FMIL had her dress way before I had mine, because she wore it for her other son's wedding 4 years ago. Who am I or my mother to say she shouldn't wear it. It doesn't matter who gets their dress first. Go buy yourself a dress that makes you look and feel fabulous.

banana468 · December 2013

Ditto kmmssg 100%! Unlike the wedding party, there is a good chance you're going to see the parents of the groom at multiple occasions throughout the year long after your daughter's wedding gown stops fitting her. It's smart to play nice now.

Vivandiere8 · December 2013

The first place I ever heard of the future mother in-laws having to call each other about the dresses was here on the knot. It's not a thing that everyone even knows about. I am about 99.9% sure it's not going to even occur to my mother or future mother in-law to call one another about their dresses and they are both nice, polite, thoughtful women. It's always best to give others the benefit of the doubt because some etiquette "rules" are really just etiquette customs that run in some circles but not others.

SP29 · December 2013

I didn't realize this was a "tradition". Seems a silly issue to me. I agree that the tradition of placing the MOB before the MOG is rude- they are both mothers of the two people joining themselves in marriage equally.

No one can tell another adult what to wear. FMIL can wear whatever dress she likes, as can you. I don't see why it's a problem that she bought it a week after your daughter bought her dress. Maybe because she is excited for the wedding? Maybe she happened to see the perfect dress when she was out and about? Maybe the dress was on sale? Who knows, but it doesn't matter anyway.

I've never heard of the MOG calling the MOB first. I think my FMIL is wearing a dress she already owns. My mother just recently bought her dress (in Nov, and the wedding is in Jan), so if MOG waited until my mom bought hers to buy one, it would have been awhile (I bought my dress at the end of Feb). AND they are both wearing purple!! (the horror!).

kgd7357 · December 2013

I'm pretty sure my mom is not planning on consulting my FI's mom or vice versa. I never heard of this before. My mom is so cute, she keeps texting me pictures of the dresses she likes, and I think she finally found her favorite. I'm going to have a hot mama at my wedding! I'm 99% sure my FMIL will see it for the first time on our wedding day and it could very well be the same color as hers, which is already purchased. No big deal.

aurianna · December 2013

Evelyn1111,

As you can probably tell from several of the posts here, the MOG's calling the MOB before buying the dress is not required, nor is it apparently common these days. I've never heard of such a thing.
My MIL never called my mom. But my MIL is very kind and polite and there is NO history or aggression between her and my mom.

It's very possible (probable, actually), that the MOG in question didn't call you, not because she wants to deny you some special courtesy, but rather because she didn't know she was "supposed to." Because she wasn't supposed to. It's an antiquated tradition that serves no purpose, that I'm guessing fewer and fewer people even know about it.

There is no reason for your hopes to be dashed. Your daughter is getting married and you get to look fabulous in whatever you decide on. There's way more fun to be had in the future than anything that could have been gained from a phone call from the MOG.

Give this woman the benefit of the doubt. This wedding will go a lot smoother if you aren't harboring hostility towards this woman for something she may not even know she did "wrong." I assume it would make your daughter happier too.

Good luck. Have fun finding something beautiful to wear.

krizzo17 · December 2013

The only reason I can think of that this was even a tradition in the first place would be that 150 years ago, out on the frontier, you had one dressmaker in town, who made 3 different dresses and only carried 2 different colored fabrics. I can't even begin to think of what the odds are that whatever dress you end up picking will be the same as, or "clash" with her dress. Remember prom? No one consulted with anyone, you bought dresses, everyone looked great. Same thing applies here.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

PANIC. Talk junk about her to everyone who will listen and tell them about this tragic event in an effort to get them to side with you. Tell your daughter that her FMIL doesn't respect you. Be as dramatic and emotional as possible so that she feels she has to pick sides. Start wedging a negative and uncomfortable divide between "them" and your family. Call this trollop and put her in her place - tell her to return that dress until you buy something. Then whisper about this to others at the wedding so that others know just how badly you were scorned.

Or listen to @kmmssg and realize you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

kmmssg · December 2013

OK Ladies, I'll post a little history lesson to give you the background on MOG calling MOB about dresses.

This was still a bit of a thing back when I got married the first time in 1980 but maybe starting to wane a bit.

So, you know how brides come on here and cry about their moms taking over the wedding planning and running the show totally? Well, there's some history there.

Back in the day when weddings became social events, the bride's parents were expected to pay for it because the bride was (hopefully) out of high school, leaving daddy's house to go keep house for her new husband and rear some children.

Since her parents were paying for it/hosting it, the MOB ran the show. I kid you not when I say this was the shining moment of success or sheer failure for her in society. She ran the show her way and quite often the bride and groom were literally lucky to be invited. I's sure there were some kind MOBs who cared about what the kids wanted, but it was pretty common for MOB to pick out all the dresses, flowers, everything.

It was also during this time that the phrase "MOGS are supposed to wear beige, show up, and shut up" came from. The MOG was to call the MOB to see she would be wearing and what level of formality was appropriate. It was considered rude to not wait for MOB to buy her dress first. It was the height of embarrassment and social ineptitude to outshine the MOB if your were MOG. MOGs had no role in wedding planning.

And, now you know where the MOB picks her dress first thingy came from.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

kmmssg said:
OK Ladies, I'll post a little history lesson to give you the background on MOG calling MOB about dresses.
This was still a bit of a thing back when I got married the first time in 1980 but maybe starting to wane a bit.
So, you know how brides come on here and cry about their moms taking over the wedding planning and running the show totally? Well, there's some history there.
Back in the day when weddings became social events, the bride's parents were expected to pay for it because the bride was (hopefully) out of high school, leaving daddy's house to go keep house for her new husband and rear some children.
Since her parents were paying for it/hosting it, the MOB ran the show. I kid you not when I say this was the shining moment of success or sheer failure for her in society. She ran the show her way and quite often the bride and groom were literally lucky to be invited. I's sure there were some kind MOBs who cared about what the kids wanted, but it was pretty common for MOB to pick out all the dresses, flowers, everything.
It was also during this time that the phrase "MOGS are supposed to wear beige, show up, and shut up" came from. The MOG was to call the MOB to see she would be wearing and what level of formality was appropriate. It was considered rude to not wait for MOB to buy her dress first. It was the height of embarrassment and social ineptitude to outshine the MOB if your were MOG. MOGs had no role in wedding planning.
And, now you know where the MOB picks her dress first thingy came from.

So true!! And in my very tiny hometown, still true. My SIL's mother and my mother did this for my brother and SIL's wedding.

kmmssg · December 2013

@HisGirlFriday - I have been meaning to tell you that I think your DH is absolutely awesome the way he handles his grandmother. I never tire of what he has had to say to her. I do, however, marvel at how she just REFUSES to see that life has changed for good and she isn't going to get what she wants by pulling her crap!

I am the mother of the bride. The future mother in law already bought her dress. What do I do now?

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