AHHHHHH!!!! HELP!! PROMISED 2 FRIENDS TO BE MAID OF HONNOR!!!

Belthil · December 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Before I even read through the clusterfuck that is this thread.....

@mhthrashdancer - why did you resurrect a thread from 2.5 years ago? The OP is long gone. Just start your own thread next time.

this was my thought too

mhthrashdancer · December 2013

Just giving it back to them. Besides I'm not a "decent human being". I guess its ok for people to talk to you that way?

aurianna · December 2013

court248807 said:

Why is it such a problem to expect your bridesmaids to participate and help planning things? I have two and I will expect them to help with craft projects or whatever and help pick the dress and generally be involved. I really don't think it's a problem. I've been there for them in many different ways for lots of events so I would hope they would reciprocate.

You ask a bridesmaid to be a bridesmaid because you love her and want her to stand beside you on your wedding day.
You ask someone to be your maid of honor because you want to honor her as your closest friend.

You do NOT ask a bridesmaid to be a bridesmaid with the expectation that she'll put her life on hold to help you plan/put on your wedding.
The title of "Maid of Honor" is not one that's supposed to be easily transferable to whoever is deemed as the best wedding slave.

Bridesmaids already do so much for a bride. They drop a lot of money on a dress that they'll likely never wear again. Many give up time out of their life to attend rehearsals, get ready, take pictures, etc. Some even plan and/or attend showers and bachelorette parties.

It's the bride and groom's wedding. There should be NO expectation that the bridesmaids should be expected to help plan a wedding that isn't their own.

If you want to save money by having a DIY wedding with lots of crafts instead of paying more for ones that are already done, great. But that decision wasn't your bridesmaids', so you can't hold them accountable for it.

If a bridesmaid offers to help you with stuff, great!
But you can't ask her to do a bunch of stuff and then demote her if she doesn't live up to your unreasonable, and possibly selfish, expectations.

AddieCake · December 2013

court248807 said:

Why is it such a problem to expect your bridesmaids to participate and help planning things? I have two and I will expect them to help with craft projects or whatever and help pick the dress and generally be involved. I really don't think it's a problem. I've been there for them in many different ways for lots of events so I would hope they would reciprocate.

You EXPECT this? Not everyone likes to do craft projects, and it shouldn't be a condition of being in your wedding. If you want craft projects done, do them yourself or let people who VOLUNTEER help you.

Viczaesar · December 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Before I even read through the clusterfuck that is this thread.....

@mhthrashdancer - why did you resurrect a thread from 2.5 years ago? The OP is long gone. Just start your own thread next time.

Well slap my ass and call me Trudy, I completely missed that. Zombie Thread 1, Vic 0.

court248807 · December 2013

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

manateehugger · December 2013

court248807 said:

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

Are you kidding me? WHY should they have to "put in effort" beyond showing up on time dressed and groomed appropriately? Since when are friendships tit for tat?

AddieCake · December 2013

So you're going to bitch at them if they don't do all the crap you ask and don't meet the bar of effort you set for them?

aurianna · December 2013

court248807 said:

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

That's great that you helped your friends out in the past. But I assume you helped them because you wanted to, were able to and had the time to.
I assume that you did not put together things for your friends so you could build up some sort of "you owe me" bubble to put over your friends' heads.

Everyone has different interests, abilities and time. It's totally possible that not every bridesmaid will be able to / is going to want to do wedding chores, even if in the past, they had some done for them.

Now it's totally possible your circle likes doing these things together, and if so, great. But if some of them don't, please don't take it too personally and please don't keep score.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

court248807 said:

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

Here's how I picture this going:

Court248807: "Will you please help me assemble invitations tomorrow night?"

BM: "Sorry, Court, I don't really like DIY stuff and I'm busy all this week."

Court: "I'm not gonna lie but it's not ok for you to say no. Also, expect you to put in a lot of effort. See you tomorrow."

BM: "Uh, I don't really want to do it. So..... no."

Court: "OMG, how many times have I helped you with stuff? It's time for you to reciprocate. I expect to see you tomorrow. Bye"

/*BM realizes how ridiculous this is and judges Court while also telling the other BMs not to answer their phones.

Maggie0829 · December 2013

court248807 said:

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

This makes you a shitty ass friend. Friends do things for others because they want to, NOT to guilt them into doing the same for them later down the road.

climbingsingle · December 2013

Maggie0829 said:

court248807 said:

It's not a condition, and I will ask not demand but I won't lie and say it's fine if they say no or don't put in a lot of effort. I've set up a lot of shows and done a lot of projects for events my bridesmaids have had over the years, so I don't think expecting them to reciprocate is bad.

This makes you a shitty ass friend. Friends do things for others because they want to, NOT to guilt them into doing the same for them later down the road.

Word. I was thinking the same thing. And who keeps tabs on that kind of thing? Eeeesh.

court248807 · December 2013

Not really, maybe I just have different friendships but if they were busy i'd just ask for a day when they weren't. Also both girls enjoy crafty stuff so not a problem. I won't guilt them if they can't help but I will be disappointed and feel like I prioritize them more than they me. I just don't see any reason to pretend that all I want is for them to show up in the dress, when I want more. I also don't feel wrong to want more. Friendships require effort and the efforts should at least try to be equal.

climbingsingle · December 2013

You should feel wrong for wanting more. This is your wedding - you do the crafts yourself. You know who should help you? Your FI. It's his wedding too.

Friendships don't require the kind of effort you're expecting. The sooner you realize this, the better off you'll be. Otherwise, I'm thinking not to many of your friends will be sticking around after being treated like brideslaves.

court248807 · December 2013

Well I don't so... Really I can't believe that none of you would feel resentful or slighted if you were always helping your friends with random stuff and then they were nowhere to be found when you wanted them for something. I just don't have quite so much of a martyr attitude. If I want something I ask for it, if I don't get it fine but I might re evaluate my relationship with the person. It's not a condition and I'm not auditioning based on ribbon curling skills but if I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me with whatever, then why are they bridesmaids.

climbingsingle · December 2013

court248807 said:

Well I don't so... Really I can't believe that none of you would feel resentful or slighted if you were always helping your friends with random stuff and then they were nowhere to be found when you wanted them for something. I just don't have quite so much of a martyr attitude. If I want something I ask for it, if I don't get it fine but I might re evaluate my relationship with the person. It's not a condition and I'm not auditioning based on ribbon curling skills but if I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me with whatever, then why are they bridesmaids.

My friends and I help each other with things all the time. Just last week I helped my best friend (and MOH) dye her hair. And guess what? After I helped her, I didn't expect her to help me with anything. Because that's what mature people do. They help their friends JUST TO HELP. They don't help someone out so that they're owed help in return.

I'm doing some DIY things for my wedding, like centerpieces and place cards. I'm not asking my MOH or any of my other friends to help me. It's ridiculous to expect my friends to help me with things like this.

Grow up and stop expecting your friends to be your slaves.

Maggie0829 · December 2013

court248807 said:

Well I don't so... Really I can't believe that none of you would feel resentful or slighted if you were always helping your friends with random stuff and then they were nowhere to be found when you wanted them for something. I just don't have quite so much of a martyr attitude. If I want something I ask for it, if I don't get it fine but I might re evaluate my relationship with the person. It's not a condition and I'm not auditioning based on ribbon curling skills but if I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me with whatever, then why are they bridesmaids.

I did a shit ton for my friends wedding. She did very little for mine. And guess what? Mine was before hers so I can safely say that I did not base the amount of help I gave her off of how much she gave me for mine. I did a lot because I wanted to and I had the time to and the money to. Now if I was working 12 hour days and was in a tough financial spot then how much I did would have been completely different.

Again you do things for your friends because you want to. Not because you want them to reciprocate. And it sounds to me that if your friends do not help you as much as you expect them to that you will either hold a grudge against them for a very long time or you will drop them as friends.

aurianna · December 2013

court248807 said:

Not really, maybe I just have different friendships but if they were busy i'd just ask for a day when they weren't. Also both girls enjoy crafty stuff so not a problem. I won't guilt them if they can't help but I will be disappointed and feel like I prioritize them more than they me. I just don't see any reason to pretend that all I want is for them to show up in the dress, when I want more. I also don't feel wrong to want more. Friendships require effort and the efforts should at least try to be equal.

Hypothetically, what if your friends up being busy a lot?
Are you really going to try to take up one of the few days your friend might have the freedom to relax, to make them help you with your wedding instead? That doesn't make you sound like a good friend. Your time isn't more important than theirs just because you're getting married.

And if they are busy a lot, how many times will you ask them?
How will it go?

Bride: Hey, can you come over here and do my wedding for me?
BM: Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow.
Bride: then can you come over the day after tomorrow and do my wedding for me?
BM: Sorry, I'm busy then too.
Bride: I want you to come over and do my wedding for me. When will you be free?
BM: Why am I having to report my whole schedule to you?
Bride: Because I'm getting married!! This gives me special rights to your time.
BM: ...

It's ok to feel disappointed if no one wants to help, but remember that everyone has different interests and time tables. It's also possible that some of your friends have gotten more and more busy over the years.
Just because you had the time and resources to help Suzy with her wedding two years ago does NOT mean that Suzy will have the same time and resources two years later. It's just not something you can assume or read too much into.

It's ok to hope that your friends will want to help. But it's not ok to expect it. None of them owe you ANY sort of labor unless you've paid them. Getting married does not entitle a bride to bridesmaid labor.
Assuming you ask very casually, do not hound them, and then feed or entertain them when they help you, fine. But if not everyone has the time or desire to work on doing your wedding for you, you have to accept it and get over it.

Because this: "Friendships require effort and the efforts should at least try to be equal."
Is a load of bunk.
Friendships are dynamic. A true friend doesn't keep score, but instead just tries to be there when a friend is in need (and having decorations to make is not the type of "in need" I'm talking about).

If you base the value of your friendship on what you've done for them vs what they've done for you... that's just not healthy.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

court248807 said:

Well I don't so... Really I can't believe that none of you would feel resentful or slighted if you were always helping your friends with random stuff and then they were nowhere to be found when you wanted them for something. I just don't have quite so much of a martyr attitude. If I want something I ask for it, if I don't get it fine but I might re evaluate my relationship with the person. It's not a condition and I'm not auditioning based on ribbon curling skills but if I don't feel comfortable asking them to help me with whatever, then why are they bridesmaids.

WHAT?!

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

mhthrashdancer said:

Out of all the planning, which I have done mostly on my own, the one thing I believe the bridesmaids should help with is finding their own dresses -let alone at the very least be supportive during the fun parts. It has actually worked its self out thank goodness. When everything on earth is more important to your moh than being supportive and true roles start to surface then I think those people should be honored according. I don't do fake and it was creating tension in our friendship. Period.

You don't need support for fun things. People usually need support for traumatic events- like deaths, mid life crises, etc.

A wedding is none of those things. Plus, no one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

Alexandrathgr8 said:

@mhthrashdancer... get used to it girl.. there are some HARSH women on these forums... check out my "bridesmaid in pants" thread on the attire section.. i had it closed because people were super insenstitive to what i was really asking I couldn't handle honest criticism and feedback on something I was being rude and insensitive about- i didn't ask for judgement either, but thats what i got!... People are free to answer your question- which they did- AND give their opinions on other things stated in OPs, no matter what you "ask" for.

I think it is super realistic to want the girl standing next to you to have been a supportive person in your months of planning- The person supporting you during your months of planning is the one that you are marrying, your FI. No one else is responsible for planning or helping to plan your wedding. if your local friend has dropped the ball- let her know, maybe there is a reason she's been shitty she hasn't been at your beck and call to plan your wedding probably because she doesn't give a rat's ass about planning your wedding since it isn't her job., and give her a chance to fix it, if not let her go.... you shouldn't have to be stressing, you are getting married!!!

ps. you said it worked out?

I think you both need to better manage your expectations, and realize that your FI is the one that is supposed to help plan your wedding with you, he's the one who should be giving you support if you need it, and your BMs' only requirements are to show up to your ceremony on time and sober in the dress you all agreed on.

court248807 said:

Why is it such a problem to expect your bridesmaids to participate and help planning things? I have two and I will expect them to help with craft projects or whatever and help pick the dress and generally be involved. I really don't think it's a problem. I've been there for them in many different ways for lots of events so I would hope they would reciprocate.

Why is it such a problem to expect you and your FI to plan your own wedding and complete your own craft projects without demanding or expecting assistance from others?

jneen101 · December 2013

court248807 said:

I will expect them to help with craft projects or whatever

I think maybe you should adjust your expectations on this. What kind of craft projects are we talking about here? Like pinterest shit? Because many bridesmaids will not want to glue sticks together and shit for your wedding.

Kohl95 · December 2013

woah......

AHHHHHH!!!! HELP!! PROMISED 2 FRIENDS TO BE MAID OF HONNOR!!!

Re: AHHHHHH!!!! HELP!! PROMISED 2 FRIENDS TO BE MAID OF HONNOR!!!

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