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How to tell a friend she is not in the wedding

I have a friend that I've known for 10 years. We used to be really close up until a couple years ago. We still talk pretty regularly, but aren't as close as we used to be. I have mentioned in the past that I would have her as a bridesmaid (not within the past year or so), but now I don't want her to be involved. My fiance is having two groomsmen, and I will have two as well (a friend that I've known since pre-school and my niece). How do I let her down gently? I don't want to make her feel bad, but I kind of just want to get it over with so she isn't thinking she is a bridesmaid. In the long run I don't think she will mind. She has been in a lot of weddings and is kind of  'over it' but like I said, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Help!

Re: How to tell a friend she is not in the wedding

  • In what context did you tell her she would be a bridesmaid? Like you were in a serious relationship/engaged and said it? Or you used to joke about it in college over drinks?

    Please don't tell me you don't want her involved because you want 2 groomsman and 2 bridesmaids. Even sides DO NOT matter. 

    And otherwise, you don't tell her. Why would you walk up to someone to tell them they aren't a super close friend of yours? If she brings it up (which she shouldn't because it's rude to ask), just gently explain that you wanted to go with a small wedding party, but you would still love to have her sitting there on your wedding day. 
    image
    AddieCakedoeydoBlue_Bird
  • No, it was not while I was engaged, very far before that. I could care less if the sides match, in fact, between my fiance and I, we have 6 nieces that are all going to in the wedding (ages 4-15, but they won't have partners). I don't know if she is waiting for me to ask her, and I feel like if I ignore it it will be a big pink elephant in the room all the time when we are together. 
  • If you want to have an even number in your bridal party then obviously it matters to you. Don't let anyone on here give you shit about it.

     I have known a ton of brides who have worried over this matter, you are not alone!

    I do agree with the pp about not saying anything.. if she asks- then just let her know you are only having two bm's and keeping it small. Chances are it's gonna hurt, :( i don't think there is any way to avoid that....
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Okay, thanks ladies. I appreciate the help! :)
  • So aesthetics and pretty pretty pictures are more important than the people you are supposed to love? What a sad way to view friendship. 
    If that's the way you want to read what i wrote than thats fine. If a bride doesn't want to leave a friend out then the numbers won't matter and they will be included, if she wants even numbers and someone isn't included then that is the brides own decision.

    But thankfully the OP doesn't have that problem!! Congrats!!
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    No, it was not while I was engaged, very far before that. I could care less if the sides match, in fact, between my fiance and I, we have 6 nieces that are all going to in the wedding (ages 4-15, but they won't have partners). I don't know if she is waiting for me to ask her, and I feel like if I ignore it it will be a big pink elephant in the room all the time when we are together. 
    If I were you, I'd say nothing about it unless she asks you.  Then you need to be direct but gentle: "I've already chosen other people to be in my wedding party, but I am inviting you and hope very much you can come."  (if you are inviting her)
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yeah, no need to bring it up to her unless she asks. Since you two are obviously not close any more, there is always the chance she won't even be expecting to be a bridesmaid. Good luck!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    doeydo
  • Just tell her you have decided to have a small wedding party, she will understand! When it comes to your wedding, it's YOUR WEDDING. As much as we want to be cautious of others' feelings, this is ultimately up to you. Since you have been friends for so long, she will surely be understanding and not jealous or bitter (hopefully). As long as she is still invited to the wedding. Maybe try to include her by making her an "honorary bridesmaid"? Thats what i'm doing with my close friends who don't cut it for the wedding party. They will be greeting guests and handing out programs at the doors, not to mention helping me out a ton with wedding stuff the week leading up to the wedding. You could even have corsages for your honorary bridesmaids to make them feel special. 
  • AddieL73 said:
    Yeah, no need to bring it up to her unless she asks. Since you two are obviously not close any more, there is always the chance she won't even be expecting to be a bridesmaid. Good luck!
    You should definitely address it if you feel like she is wondering. It would stress me out if I assumed I was supposed to be a bridesmaid and the bride was putting off talking to me about it. One of my friends (used to be my best friend for about 8 years but we have since drifted apart) called me right after I got engaged and exclaimed, "I'M GOING TO BE THE MAID OF HONOR, RIGHT!?" When I wasn't even going to include her in the bridal party....it was very awkward. It is better to address the issue up front than to have her assume. I kindly told my friend that I was keeping my bridal party small (like you are).  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:
    Yeah, no need to bring it up to her unless she asks. Since you two are obviously not close any more, there is always the chance she won't even be expecting to be a bridesmaid. Good luck!
    You should definitely address it if you feel like she is wondering. It would stress me out if I assumed I was supposed to be a bridesmaid and the bride was putting off talking to me about it. One of my friends (used to be my best friend for about 8 years but we have since drifted apart) called me right after I got engaged and exclaimed, "I'M GOING TO BE THE MAID OF HONOR, RIGHT!?" When I wasn't even going to include her in the bridal party....it was very awkward. It is better to address the issue up front than to have her assume. I kindly told my friend that I was keeping my bridal party small (like you are).  
    I would not do this because it is actually an insulting assumption that she is assuming if she hasn't asked about it.  It would feel like a slap across the face to be told no when one hasn't even inquired.  So only speak up if she actually does say something that suggests that she thinks you are going to ask her.
    doeydomanateehuggerKeptInStitches
  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    AddieL73 said:
    Yeah, no need to bring it up to her unless she asks. Since you two are obviously not close any more, there is always the chance she won't even be expecting to be a bridesmaid. Good luck!
    You should definitely address it if you feel like she is wondering. It would stress me out if I assumed I was supposed to be a bridesmaid and the bride was putting off talking to me about it. One of my friends (used to be my best friend for about 8 years but we have since drifted apart) called me right after I got engaged and exclaimed, "I'M GOING TO BE THE MAID OF HONOR, RIGHT!?" When I wasn't even going to include her in the bridal party....it was very awkward. It is better to address the issue up front than to have her assume. I kindly told my friend that I was keeping my bridal party small (like you are).  


    ---------------------------------

    No. Please don't do this, it will most likely hurt her and possibly damage your friendship.Can you imagine how that conversation will go:

    Bride: "Hey sally, I know you and I have been friends for a while now, and now that I'm planning my wedding I'm realizing that there's something I need to tell you"
    Sally: "What's that?"
    Bride: "I just don't want you as a BM"
    (awkward silence and tension to follow)

     As for "stressing" out over whether or not you are going to be asked, why does it matter? Who would actually "stress out" over waiting to be asked to be a BM? Even my best friend didn't assume she would be MOH and waited very patiently for a few weeks until I asked her.  I think its good to never assume you will be in someone's wedding, you don't know what they have planned until it's been announced. 

    Edited: Quote boxes aren't showing up. 
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