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Mother In law zilla and sister in law zilla :( help

So after some bumps in the road ironed out with DF and planning is going smoothly... I asked my SIL to be if her two girls (My DF nieces) to be in the wedding several months ago. My MIL was actually suggesting they be asked and I thought it would be nice since I am close with the kids.. as well as my DF is. So months have gone by and I have seen everything my SIL purchases on facebook photos. A motorcycle... two horses... and two purebred puppies. She did not plan for the dresses for her kids at all and now this past weekend when all of the girls got together, we all drove 2 hrs out of town to the shop we are getting them. My SIL is now throwing at me she cannot afford any of the dresses in the store even after I suggested to go see them and tell them your budget. After asking my MIL if she can stay out of it and leave it between SIL and myself, my MIL is having other people look at dresses online without even telling me what they look like, etc. I picked 11am to suit SIL lunch break and she did not show up... instead, my MIL shows up with the kids instead. What I decided for the bridesmaids, was, as long as they are the same colour from the shop they can wear the style they want because not everyone feels comfortable in the same kind of dress. My MIL was looking for reasons to hate everything about every single dress they tried on. For the wedding itself... I also said pick your own shoes whatever you are comfortable in and as part of their gift I am getting all of their hair done at the salon the morning of the wedding... so in the end all everyone has to do is pay for their dresses. Getting your make up and hair done is optional. Combined price for the dresses the dresses the girls tried on were less than HALF of what MIL told SIL. I have since sent an email to the store, because they are closed this week for them to please call me next week and give me the cheapest price in the colour I chose so my inlaws cannot come back on me and give me an exaggerated price. My MIL has gone through facebook and so has she to send me messages about WHY they cannnot afford the dresses when a cheaper option has not even been explored at the store. Instead of calling me on the phone.. so I called MIL last night and we ended up in a huge fight of her giving me a guilt trip why SIL cannot afford dresses... now in not wanting to disappoint the kids I began to compromise with her last night and she tells me she wants to do the kids hair herself... not send them to the salon where I have already put a deposit down. It hurts me to be fighting with my inlaws because I do not want to hurt DF but I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why did MIL push to have the kids in it and SIL accept without saying hey, I don not know if I can do this. I need to know what you ladies would do I am very heartbroken and tired.. upset and confused.

Re: Mother In law zilla and sister in law zilla :( help

  • LOL..... correction I meant getting your make up and NAILS done is optional. Not HAIR

  • So after some bumps in the road ironed out with DF and planning is going smoothly... I asked my SIL to be if her two girls (My DF nieces) to be in the wedding several months ago. My MIL was actually suggesting they be asked and I thought it would be nice since I am close with the kids.. as well as my DF is. So months have gone by and I have seen everything my SIL purchases on facebook photos. A motorcycle... two horses... and two purebred puppies. She did not plan for the dresses for her kids at all and now this past weekend when all of the girls got together, we all drove 2 hrs out of town to the shop we are getting them. My SIL is now throwing at me she cannot afford any of the dresses in the store even after I suggested to go see them and tell them your budget. After asking my MIL if she can stay out of it and leave it between SIL and myself, my MIL is having other people look at dresses online without even telling me what they look like, etc. I picked 11am to suit SIL lunch break and she did not show up... instead, my MIL shows up with the kids instead. What I decided for the bridesmaids, was, as long as they are the same colour from the shop they can wear the style they want because not everyone feels comfortable in the same kind of dress. My MIL was looking for reasons to hate everything about every single dress they tried on. For the wedding itself... I also said pick your own shoes whatever you are comfortable in and as part of their gift I am getting all of their hair done at the salon the morning of the wedding... so in the end all everyone has to do is pay for their dresses. Getting your make up and hair done is optional. Combined price for the dresses the dresses the girls tried on were less than HALF of what MIL told SIL. I have since sent an email to the store, because they are closed this week for them to please call me next week and give me the cheapest price in the colour I chose so my inlaws cannot come back on me and give me an exaggerated price. My MIL has gone through facebook and so has she to send me messages about WHY they cannnot afford the dresses when a cheaper option has not even been explored at the store. Instead of calling me on the phone.. so I called MIL last night and we ended up in a huge fight of her giving me a guilt trip why SIL cannot afford dresses... now in not wanting to disappoint the kids I began to compromise with her last night and she tells me she wants to do the kids hair herself... not send them to the salon where I have already put a deposit down. It hurts me to be fighting with my inlaws because I do not want to hurt DF but I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why did MIL push to have the kids in it and SIL accept without saying hey, I don not know if I can do this. I need to know what you ladies would do I am very heartbroken and tired.. upset and confused.
    Are you married? I'm confused by your acronyms (MIL, SIL)...

    Start over. Ask her what she can afford for each of her girls. That's your budget. Let her tell you what SHE wants to pay and then go out and look for a dress under that price point. If SHE gives you the price point, she can't argue if you meet it. If she does, she takes her kids out of the wedding. Not your fault.

    It sounds like you may not have done this in the beginning. That's how you're supposed to handle BM dresses/budgets, but that ship has obviously sailed. Also, don't judge her personal purchases. It's not your place and it's just going to piss you off. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    KeptInStitchescowgirl8238PrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
  • Southernbelle is 100% correct here.  Start with what she says she can afford, and work with it.
  • No not married... yet but naturally referring as Inlaws.. the DF and I have been together for 7 yrs :) Its the reason for the abbrevs :)
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Southernbelle is 100% correct here.  Start with what she says she can afford, and work with it.
    I agree.  Get a budget from your FSIL and go from there.

    If she and your FMIL continue to diss everything you suggest, stop asking for their opinions and confiding anything wedding-related to them, and just make a selection of a dress for your FSIL that's within her budget.  If she chooses not to wear it, consider that her stepping down as your bridesmaid.  Tell all your vendors that they are to act only with your and your FI's authorization, and no one else is authorized to make agreements, sign contracts, or do anything else wedding-related on your behalf.  I'd also put this word out by word of mouth to your friends and family that only you and your FI have the authority to agree to anything wedding-related, in order to prevent any end runs by your FILs.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    So after some bumps in the road ironed out with DF and planning is going smoothly... I asked my SIL to be if her two girls (My DF nieces) to be in the wedding several months ago. My MIL was actually suggesting they be asked and I thought it would be nice since I am close with the kids.. as well as my DF is. So months have gone by and I have seen everything my SIL purchases on facebook photos. A motorcycle... two horses... and two purebred puppies. She did not plan for the dresses for her kids at all and now this past weekend when all of the girls got together, we all drove 2 hrs out of town to the shop we are getting them. ]\] them and tell them your budget. After asking my MIL if she can stay out of it and leave it between SIL and myself, my MIL is having other people look at dresses online without even telling me what they look like, etc. I picked 11am to suit SIL lunch break and she did not show up... instead, my MIL shows up with the kids instead. What I decided for the bridesmaids, was, as long as they are the same colour from the shop they can wear the style they want because not everyone feels comfortable in the same kind of dress. My MIL was looking for reasons to hate everything about every single dress they tried on. For the wedding itself... I also said pick your own shoes whatever you are comfortable in and as part of their gift I am getting all of their hair done at the salon the morning of the wedding... so in the end all everyone has to do is pay for their dresses. Getting your make up and hair done is optional. Combined price for the dresses the dresses the girls tried on were less than HALF of what MIL told SIL. I have since sent an email to the store, because they are closed this week for them to please call me next week and give me the cheapest price in the colour I chose so my inlaws cannot come back on me and give me an exaggerated price. My MIL has gone through facebook and so has she to send me messages about WHY they cannnot afford the dresses when a cheaper option has not even been explored at the store. Instead of calling me on the phone.. so I called MIL last night and we ended up in a huge fight of her giving me a guilt trip why SIL cannot afford dresses... now in not wanting to disappoint the kids I began to compromise with her last night and she tells me she wants to do the kids hair herself... not send them to the salon where I have already put a deposit down. It hurts me to be fighting with my inlaws because I do not want to hurt DF but I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Why did MIL push to have the kids in it and SIL accept without saying hey, I don not know if I can do this. I need to know what you ladies would do I am very heartbroken and tired.. upset and confused.
    1. If your SIL says she can't afford the dresses at the salon, you must take her word for it. How your SIL spends her money is her business. Stop looking at her facebook page, so you won't be aggravated by her purchases.

    2. How old are your nieces to be? They don't have to match your bm dresses, exactly. Their mother should know where to find age appropriate, budget friendly dresses. Get a color swatch and ask her to find a dresses as close as possible to the bm colors, or you could pick an accent color for the girls to wear. It will be fine. 

    3. There is no need to involve FMIL with choosing the girls' dresses, unless she has offered to pay for them. Tell her you'll work out the details with FSIL. Don't fight with her about it.

    4. If you're dead set on the girls having a dress from the bridal salon, then you and fi should offer to pay for them or offset the cost.

    5. Let your FMIL do the girls' hair. It will save you money, time, and aggravation the morning of the wedding. If the children are young, it's expecting too much from them to start their day hours earlier to get their hair done by a stranger. Those children will be tired before the ceremony even starts. 

    6. Lighten up. 
                       
    doeydoPrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
  • The girls are 10 and 12 yrs old. When it comes to involvement of FMIL... I asked FSIL if she can be left out of it and we can make plans together. Next thing you know I am getting facebook messages from FMIL because the FSIL is ... involving her, it tis not I :) who has wanted her in the middle of all of this. Now FSIL is sending me photos of dresses for the kids and I am glad she is trying to work with me on it... trouble is they are white, too old to be flower girls and white is not part of the colour scheme except for my dress and even that is ivory
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    Tell FMIL that you're working with FSIL on the girls' dresses. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. You could also ignore her facebook messages. She sounds like an overzealous grandma. 

    Tell FSIL that you don't like the white or ivory dresses or the 'mini-bride' look. You could check the department stores for great deals on party dresses. There's usually a better selection during holiday season and bargains after. 

                       
  • Thanks thanks I will have a look! The lady at the dress shop is also in the process of getting prices together in dresses of my colour. The shop I am dealing with for the girls... orders everything based online from a website too. The dresses are more reasonable than another shop I originally went with and then changed.. which bothers me because I know the prices arent overly terrible. Thanks for the links I will have a look. Another thing I thought about was getting a swatch and telling them to go get something... that matches. As not to disappoint the girls I am probably going to end up letting them do the dresses if there is such a hard time about it where they can find them. I am going to ask, however, they come in and get their hair done with everyone else. Knowing them the kids will probably show up looking like they just got out of bed :( That is why I picked for them to at least get their hair done.
  • MariePoppy is all over this one.  Stick with her advice. My only addition is to offer to let FSIL off the hook and let her know, in a kind, non-combative way, that if the wedding is stressing her, you would not be at all hurt if she and her children (or just FSIL) were guests and not members of the wedding party.  
  • MariePoppy is all over this one.  Stick with her advice. My only addition is to offer to let FSIL off the hook and let her know, in a kind, non-combative way, that if the wedding is stressing her, you would not be at all hurt if she and her children (or just FSIL) were guests and not members of the wedding party.  
    No no no no no! There is no way this would not be taken as 'I'm kicking you out of the wedding party.' Bad advice.
    image
  • Hi everyone, so an update on the situation. I found out that there are dresses more closer to the 100.00 mark and not 900.00 (first it was 700.... then it was 800... then it was 900) that my FMIL was trying to tell my FSIL the dresses were. And I KNEW this to begin with because the store I chose for the ladies... deals directly with an online supplier for dresses! So last week FSIL has finally started to work with me in respect to the dresses... and she TOLD me she was going to call the store Monday, and at the same time let me know what she is doing... I have told her that if these dresses from the store are too expensive for her budget, to find something that is pale pink. NOT white because A) They are too old to be flower girls and B) My dress is Ivory. After meeting in the middle with her and saying either find pale pink dresses or let me know WHAT you are doing .. if 100.00 per dress is in your budget or not because I don't want these kids missing out on being part of the wedding day... she has not had the common courtesy to let me know what she is deciding. So I am glad I stopped the fighting by just letting go and compromising. If they don't have dresses by the wedding date, I will take that as she is not having them in it at all. And please cross your fingers for me ladies that these kids do NOT show up in white dresses.. which was FMIL Idea months and months and months ago. Pray for me and think about me LOL
    MairePoppy
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2013
    Holy cow! I would have freaked out, too, if someone told me that the girls' dresses were going to cost $900 or $700. Your FMIL didn't do anyone any favors by trying to micro-manage and relaying incorrect information. I'd take everything she says, from here on, with a grain of salt. I'm glad you are able to work with FSIL. Good luck with the dresses. 
                       
    KeptInStitchesmelbelleup
  • Thanks! My FSIL actually wants to come out to a dinner and night out I am having with bridesmaids in the spring. I think it's awesome we can meet in the middle and work on things and now doing what was mentioned before by a poster... Lather., Rinse and Repeat when FMIL tries to stick her nose in, otherwise, I am leaving my FH to deal with her.
  • scribe95 said:

    Holy crap - you were considering $700 to $900 dresses? That is plain crazy and no wonder your SIL/MIL resisted. I would never pay over $100 for a child's dress. Period. Our daughter's flower girl dress was off the rack for $80.

    Also, I guess I'm confused on what the girls are in your wedding. Not flower girls but not bridesmaids?

    ... re-read what she said. the FMIL told FSIL they were 700-900 dollars. They were more like $100.
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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