FI's Sister in WP - Please Help :(

mrsbanany · December 2013

My FI and I are trying to decide what to do for a WP. While I am not a huge fan of the whole bridal party thing, I am not against it. We have both agreed to have one close friend and our siblings in the WP. I only have one brother while my FI is one of 4. He has said he doesn't mind keeping the WP small but would choose his brothers to be his GM. While I really want my brother to be included and my FI has said he would love to have my brother be a GM, he would also like it if I asked his sister to be a BM.

Here is the problem. While I understand that I could have my brother stand on my side and his sister stand on his side, his sister is a chronic complainer and wouldn't want that. She was a BM in her other brother's wedding and criticized EVERYTHING that the bride chose - dress color, hair style, nail polish, shower, bachelorette party, having to take photos before the ceremony - literally everything about the wedding. Both my FI and I are pretty understanding that this is just how she is, but I do not want that kind of negativity surrounding me during my special (and most likely already stressful) day. Despite the fact that we were never really close, I honestly would not mind having her as a BM, the fact that I know she's going to complain about everything I do is really bothersome. I just feel like no matter what happens - if she stands on my side or her brother's she's going to have a problem. I want to honor my FI's wishes but I don't know how to say that it makes me uncomfortable to have her in such an intimate roll, especially when my MOH is the only other lady I'm going to have in the WP.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

amandaj424 said:

My FI and I are trying to decide what to do for a WP. While I am not a huge fan of the whole bridal party thing, I am not against it. We have both agreed to have one close friend and our siblings in the WP. I only have one brother while my FI is one of 4. He has said he doesn't mind keeping the WP small but would choose his brothers to be his GM. While I really want my brother to be included and my FI has said he would love to have my brother be a GM, he would also like it if I asked his sister to be a BM.

Here is the problem. While I understand that I could have my brother stand on my side and his sister stand on his side, his sister is a chronic complainer and wouldn't want that. She was a BM in her other brother's wedding and criticized EVERYTHING that the bride chose - dress color, hair style, nail polish, shower, bachelorette party, having to take photos before the ceremony - literally everything about the wedding. Both my FI and I are pretty understanding that this is just how she is, but I do not want that kind of negativity surrounding me during my special (and most likely already stressful) day. Despite the fact that we were never really close, I honestly would not mind having her as a BM, the fact that I know she's going to complain about everything I do is really bothersome. I just feel like no matter what happens - if she stands on my side or her brother's she's going to have a problem. I want to honor my FI's wishes but I don't know how to say that it makes me uncomfortable to have her in such an intimate roll, especially when my MOH is the only other lady I'm going to have in the WP.

I would not be having a person like that in my WP. If FI wants her, then she can stand on his side. Ask your brother to stand on your side. Remember, sides don't have to be even, so if you only want your brother standing up for you, that's fine. But you get to pick your side and FI gets to pick his. With her being on FI's side, you will have less interaction with her. Let FI pick out her dress, so she can complain to him. If FI will be wearing a black suit/tux, then just tell her to buy any black dress she likes.

And don't talk wedding with your FSIL, that will give her less to complain about. If she is standing with FI, let her do her own hair/makeup, and pick her own shoes. Anything dictated, other than dress, should be paid for by you, if your requiring it. And if she throws a fit about being a groomswoman, then FI can tell her: "This is how we want our WPs to be, I want you standing up for me. If your not happy with that, then you can attend as a guest."

Just remember, that your wedding day shouldn't be stressful! It's the day you marry the love of your life! If you allow it to happen, the stress will filter in. If you go through the day knowing at the end of it, you will be married to FI, that makes anything that could go wrong a lot easier to handle!

Jen4948 · December 2013

I agree with @OliveOilsMom - if it's important to your FI and his family that his sister be in the wedding party, she should stand on his side rather than yours. Your side should represent your nearest and dearest. In fact, you can involve your own brother by making him a bridesman.

mrsbanany · December 2013

Since she would be on his side, would she still need to be involved in all the WP activities like helping at the shower, coming to the bachelorette party or anything? I don't want to be rude and not invite her to these things because she is technically not a BM but then I know if she is included in those things she will find something to complain about.

Jen4948 · December 2013

amandaj424 said:

Since she would be on his side, would she still need to be involved in all the WP activities like helping at the shower, coming to the bachelorette party or anything? I don't want to be rude and not invite her to these things because she is technically not a BM but then I know if she is included in those things she will find something to complain about.

I think you should invite her and include her in those things. But since she would be on his side, could you not enlist your FI in a talk with her about how her Debbie Downer act is not okay?

And if she comes and continues to engage in it, you can tell her, "FSIL, I'm sorry you're not having a good time, but the door is over there."

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

I would only include FSIL in the shower and b-party as a guest. She doesn't need to help plan those things, unless she volunteers - in which case, decline the offer and hope that someone else offers to plan those parties for you.

And I think FI should call FSIL before those events and say: I'm so glad that you are attending Amanda's shower - but do me a favor and act like you are having a good time! I wouldn't go so far as to basically tell her to leave if she is being miserable at one of your parties, but I would just outright ignore her and any comments she makes. Remember, you can't control how she acts, but you can control how you respond to her actions.

AddieCake · December 2013

I wouldn't include her in the wedding party, and when she asks why, your fiance should tell her that her previous behavior as a wedding party member is the reason.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Ditto PPs. IF this is important to your FI, then she should stand on his side. And as a member of the WP on HIS side, she wouldn't be involved in planning the b-party, any showers, etc. She could (and should, regardless of her status in WP, because she's your FSIL) be invited as a guest.

If I were you, I'd tell your FI that you aren't comfortable dealing with her negativity and that if it's important to him for her to be involved, she should be on his side. If he says he doesn't want to deal with his negativity, either, well -- then why should you? I ditto @AddieL73, that she should, in that case, NOT be involved at all and be told exactly why.

MobKaz · December 2013

amandaj424 said:

My FI and I are trying to decide what to do for a WP. While I am not a huge fan of the whole bridal party thing, I am not against it. We have both agreed to have one close friend and our siblings in the WP. I only have one brother while my FI is one of 4. He has said he doesn't mind keeping the WP small but would choose his brothers to be his GM. While I really want my brother to be included and my FI has said he would love to have my brother be a GM, he would also like it if I asked his sister to be a BM.

Here is the problem. While I understand that I could have my brother stand on my side and his sister stand on his side, his sister is a chronic complainer and wouldn't want that. She was a BM in her other brother's wedding and criticized EVERYTHING that the bride chose - dress color, hair style, nail polish, shower, bachelorette party, having to take photos before the ceremony - literally everything about the wedding. Both my FI and I are pretty understanding that this is just how she is, but I do not want that kind of negativity surrounding me during my special (and most likely already stressful) day. Despite the fact that we were never really close, I honestly would not mind having her as a BM, the fact that I know she's going to complain about everything I do is really bothersome. I just feel like no matter what happens - if she stands on my side or her brother's she's going to have a problem. I want to honor my FI's wishes but I don't know how to say that it makes me uncomfortable to have her in such an intimate roll, especially when my MOH is the only other lady I'm going to have in the WP.

This is not especially clear. However, if she complained that the bride dictated and micromanaged the hair styles and even nail color of the BM's, I don't blame her one bit for complaining about that. Was this the first wedding in which she participated? Every wedding I have attended takes photos before the ceremony.

AddieCake · December 2013

If he says he doesn't want to deal with her negativity, either, well -- then why should you?

Exactly.

mrsbanany · December 2013

mobkaz said:
This is not especially clear. However, if she complained that the bride dictated and micromanaged the hair styles and even nail color of the BM's, I don't blame her one bit for complaining about that. Was this the first wedding in which she participated? Every wedding I have attended takes photos before the ceremony.

The bride was not micromanaging at all. She said "please wear your hair up" "please use clear polish or light pink" I personally don't think that is micromanaging. I mean I would expect a bride to have certain requests like having all the BM's hair up and no other specifications is not a problem. This was the first wedding she participated in I believe and her biggest issue was that she was a "BM by default." Basically the bride only asked since she was her FSIL and that would really be the only reason she is in our WP.

Also, how do you avoid tension after the wedding. I really do not want to hurt feelings or cause tension between us because of her bad attitude. This is how she is with every detail of her life and is offended very very easily. I just want to keep the peace and if that means making her a BM I will do it.

One more thing. Since she is the only other woman in the WP (besides MOH) would that be strange to have her stand on the other side? I am not concerned with looks and I do not care about even numbers on each side. However, with 4 men and 2 women in the WP I don't want people gossiping and wondering as to why the only other woman is blatantly excluded as a BM.

I just feel like I am getting sucked into WP drama, which is the entire reason I did not want a WP really at all in the first place.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

amandaj424 said:

mobkaz said:
This is not especially clear. However, if she complained that the bride dictated and micromanaged the hair styles and even nail color of the BM's, I don't blame her one bit for complaining about that. Was this the first wedding in which she participated? Every wedding I have attended takes photos before the ceremony.

The bride was not micromanaging at all. She said "please wear your hair up" "please use clear polish or light pink" I personally don't think that is micromanaging. I mean I would expect a bride to have certain requests like having all the BM's hair up and no other specifications is not a problem. This was the first wedding she participated in I believe and her biggest issue was that she was a "BM by default." Basically the bride only asked since she was her FSIL and that would really be the only reason she is in our WP.

Also, how do you avoid tension after the wedding. I really do not want to hurt feelings or cause tension between us because of her bad attitude. This is how she is with every detail of her life and is offended very very easily. I just want to keep the peace and if that means making her a BM I will do it.

One more thing. Since she is the only other woman in the WP (besides MOH) would that be strange to have her stand on the other side? I am not concerned with looks and I do not care about even numbers on each side. However, with 4 men and 2 women in the WP I don't want people gossiping and wondering as to why the only other woman is blatantly excluded as a BM.

I just feel like I am getting sucked into WP drama, which is the entire reason I did not want a WP really at all in the first place.

If you want to try and save the "look" of the WP, have your brother stand on your side. That way, your siblings are on your side and FI's siblings are on his side. That won't have anyone thinking about why there are women on both sides. It will just look like you both wanted your own siblings standing up for you.

As for tension. Just stay cordial with her. Greet her hello, chat with her at family gatherings, etc. You don't need to be BFFs with her, invite her out to dinner or anything like that.

MobKaz · December 2013

amandaj424 said:

mobkaz said:
This is not especially clear. However, if she complained that the bride dictated and micromanaged the hair styles and even nail color of the BM's, I don't blame her one bit for complaining about that. Was this the first wedding in which she participated? Every wedding I have attended takes photos before the ceremony.

The bride was not micromanaging at all. She said "please wear your hair up" "please use clear polish or light pink" I personally don't think that is micromanaging. I mean I would expect a bride to have certain requests like having all the BM's hair up and no other specifications is not a problem. This was the first wedding she participated in I believe and her biggest issue was that she was a "BM by default." Basically the bride only asked since she was her FSIL and that would really be the only reason she is in our WP.

Also, how do you avoid tension after the wedding. I really do not want to hurt feelings or cause tension between us because of her bad attitude. This is how she is with every detail of her life and is offended very very easily. I just want to keep the peace and if that means making her a BM I will do it.

One more thing. Since she is the only other woman in the WP (besides MOH) would that be strange to have her stand on the other side? I am not concerned with looks and I do not care about even numbers on each side. However, with 4 men and 2 women in the WP I don't want people gossiping and wondering as to why the only other woman is blatantly excluded as a BM.

I just feel like I am getting sucked into WP drama, which is the entire reason I did not want a WP really at all in the first place.

While I agree that asking BM's to wear their hair up, or to wear light colored polish is not micromanaging, it is not necessary. I just don't see the urgency of it all. My daughter's bridal party had varying hair styles from sleek, to loose, and from all up, half up, and all down. How nail polish matters at all is beyond me. There is not one photo in which you can see their fingernails. Of all the weddings attended, I could not tell you the hair style or color nail of any BM. I also could not tell you the shoe they wore, which is another common micromanaging battle. I honestly do wish all current brides to be could see this day in hindsight.

The best way to avoid tension is to not create it. If you don't want someone in your wedding party, don't ask. If your fear is that drama will ensue by including someone, and it will if you don't, then don't include them. If you do include them, you have a miserable wedding experience AND drama.

If your FSIL stands on the side of your FI, don't look at it as being excluded as a BM. Think of her as being INcluded in the wedding party. Call everyone attendants, or members of the wedding party.

FI's Sister in WP - Please Help :(

Re: FI's Sister in WP - Please Help :(

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