Destination Wedding Delima

matronofhonorkv · December 2013

I'm in a situation and require someone impartial to offer advise. I have a relative that is getting married down south next year, and I have been asked to be in the wedding party. I had up until this moment thought this would not be an issue in attending as I attended another destination wedding not long ago. However, just recently the save the dates were sent out and the couple informed the guests and wedding party the quoted price is for $2000.00/person for one week during march break in Mayan Rivera. This was not what I expected for the price, as the last destination I attended a year prior and same location was $1200-1300 per person. Originally we were told this current wedding would likely be around $1800.00/person.
Unfortunately now this will not be financially fesable for neither myself nor my husband to attend. My husband has made it clear he is NOT okay with spending that much money for this wedding. I quite frankly agree with him on that, although the other part of me is saddened that I could not attend a close relatives wedding I do think it is a lot to ask of someone to spend.

I attempted to inform the bride and groom of my concern and was hit with an over the top guilt trip about how she has no one to have in her wedding party but I and one other, and if I don't attend she will be devastated. I attempted to explain that $4000.00- $5000.00 for a vacation is not something my husband and I would normally be comfortable spending for ourselves not alone for a wedding. I also tried having them understand that at those prices, I would feel more comfortable bringing my children somewhere for a family vacation that we could all attend together verses leaving them at home for the week. I got no where with that conversation. I had to leave the topic with that they would need to hear back from the travel agent and we could work on angles from there regarding costs. But I got the distinct feeling that both the bride and groom just felt based on guilt and obligation I HAD TO ATTEND AT ALL COSTS.

I was propositioned with the idea from them that maybe I could come on my own as to help with the cost. But soon I was hoping to be able to quit my job and be a stay at home mom, thus cutting our spreading budget a lot. If I were to quit my job this would mean I would require my husband being okay spending just over two thousand dollars on me alone to attend this wedding. Which to me doesn't seem fair to ask of him when I would never spend that much on a vacation without him.
Is this cost too much to ask of guests to attend? Or am I being too cheap about it? to me it seems like a lot to ask, and I truly am not sure how we would be able to justify the cost. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to handle this would be great. I'd hate to have any "bad blood" between us but I know this is not going to go over well with them. Any ideas on how to go about and address this???
Thanks

AddieCake · December 2013

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. She is out of line guilt tripping you, and you should stand firm and tell her you are sorry but you simply cannot afford to spend that much and that the discussion is closed.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

When people have DWs, they need to realise that nit everyone can come. That's just a fact of life.

DO NOT let your relative guilt you into spending that amount of money.

Simply say, 'I'm sorry, I cannot afford to attend.' Repeat as necessary.

Also, why is it costing $2K and why do you have to go for a whole week?!

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

matronofhonorkv said:

I'm in a situation and require someone impartial to offer advise. I have a relative that is getting married down south next year, and I have been asked to be in the wedding party. I had up until this moment thought this would not be an issue in attending as I attended another destination wedding not long ago. However, just recently the save the dates were sent out and the couple informed the guests and wedding party the quoted price is for $2000.00/person for one week during march break in Mayan Rivera. This was not what I expected for the price, as the last destination I attended a year prior and same location was $1200-1300 per person. Originally we were told this current wedding would likely be around $1800.00/person.
Unfortunately now this will not be financially fesable for neither myself nor my husband to attend. My husband has made it clear he is NOT okay with spending that much money for this wedding. I quite frankly agree with him on that, although the other part of me is saddened that I could not attend a close relatives wedding I do think it is a lot to ask of someone to spend.

I attempted to inform the bride and groom of my concern and was hit with an over the top guilt trip about how she has no one to have in her wedding party but I and one other, and if I don't attend she will be devastated. I attempted to explain that $4000.00- $5000.00 for a vacation is not something my husband and I would normally be comfortable spending for ourselves not alone for a wedding. I also tried having them understand that at those prices, I would feel more comfortable bringing my children somewhere for a family vacation that we could all attend together verses leaving them at home for the week. I got no where with that conversation. I had to leave the topic with that they would need to hear back from the travel agent and we could work on angles from there regarding costs. But I got the distinct feeling that both the bride and groom just felt based on guilt and obligation I HAD TO ATTEND AT ALL COSTS.

I was propositioned with the idea from them that maybe I could come on my own as to help with the cost. But soon I was hoping to be able to quit my job and be a stay at home mom, thus cutting our spreading budget a lot. If I were to quit my job this would mean I would require my husband being okay spending just over two thousand dollars on me alone to attend this wedding. Which to me doesn't seem fair to ask of him when I would never spend that much on a vacation without him.
Is this cost too much to ask of guests to attend? Or am I being too cheap about it? to me it seems like a lot to ask, and I truly am not sure how we would be able to justify the cost. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to handle this would be great. I'd hate to have any "bad blood" between us but I know this is not going to go over well with them. Any ideas on how to go about and address this???
Thanks

It's not fair of your cousin to try and guilt you into attending a wedding at that cost. At that cost, I may not be able to attend a siblings wedding. So don't feel bad.

If you truly would like to go, how much would it cost if you just went for 2 days? Or if your parents are attending, anyway you can share a room? Just remember that even though the invitation wants you to attend for a whole week, you don't have to stay that long. But don't go into debt or stretch your budget to where you and your H are not comfortable.

MNVegas · December 2013

Just tell them sorry but you just cannot afford to make the trip. If they try to guilt you, think about what is most important to you. I assume that would be your husband and family. If they are so upset about not having people in their wedding party, then they need to rethink the destination wedding. I certainly would not go into debt for anyone's wedding. If your relatives don't understand this, then perhaps they are not as close to you as you think because they obviously are only thinking of themselves.

WinstonsGirl · December 2013

Stick to your financial guns. If you can't afford it, don't go. I did a DW and I knew some people wouldn't be able to make it. We were ok with it going in, and if she's not ok with people not being able to make it, she shouldn't be going away. Don't let her guilt you

misssunshine17 · December 2013

It is people like this that make me dislike DWs. I also wouldn't spend that kind of money for anyone's wedding, probably not even my own brother. I want to choose when and where I take my vacation. Your family member is completely out of line and you should not feel guilty at all about saying no.

marshmallow1982 · December 2013

Surely there's a cheaper way. A different flight or some other accommodation? You don't have to stay where they suggest.

If there's not I wouldn't feel guilty. Anyone who has a DW will understand that not everyone can afford to travel for it. £5k is an incredible amount of money to spend on a wedding. You can't be the only one to say you can't make it/can't afford it.

phira · December 2013

In an ideal world, the bride would have discussed the costs of attending with you WHEN she asked you to be in the wedding party.

In an ideal world, you would be able to bring your children with you to the wedding, since you'd be there for several days.

in an ideal world, you would be able to go just to attend the wedding and the bride would not require you to stay for a week.

In an ideal world, when you said, "We can't afford it," the bride would have been understanding and offered you an invitation as a guest instead of a wedding party member.

This ain't an ideal world, but if you're lurking and planning a destination wedding, try to be an ideal bride or groom as best you can.

OP, here's my advice. You need to call the bride and groom and say, "I am sorry, but I cannot afford to attend your wedding, so I cannot be in the wedding party. I feel terrible that I will have to miss the celebration, but it's unequivocally out of our price range. Hopefully, we'll see you at [family event] afterwards so we can congratulate you in person. I have to run right now; I'll talk to you later." And then hang up.

If they bring it up afterwards as if it's not a closed case, just shut them down. Do the same thing to anyone else who tries to guilt trip you on their behalf. "We cannot afford to go to the wedding. This isn't a debatable issue. Anyway, I have to go." Or, "We've already told the bride and groom that we're unable to afford the expense of traveling to their wedding. I'm not sure why you're bringing it up. The matter has already been settled." And then walk away.

saric83 · December 2013

Just be firm and tell her that you've discussed it, and unfortunately, you cannot make it. End of story. It's not up for further discussion. It will be worse if you don't definitely say no, and it's just not addressed until it gets closer.

Being asked to be in a wedding party is not a summons, and there is no obligation. But if you're not going to go, you should confirm without a doubt sooner rather than later.

However, if you want to try to make it, definitely check into the cost for you guys to go for a shorter time frame. We had a DW, and all of our guests, including WP stayed anywhere from two to seven nights.

JBee85 · December 2013

I had an old HS friend do the same thing to me, but I stuck to my guns. She got over it, but pressured two of my other best friends into going. This was back in 2008 and they STILL have not finishing paying off the debt from taking a trip to a sandals resort on top of their college loans. Don't do it if you don't have the money. Don't end up like my best friends.

monkeysip · December 2013

Everyone has different budgets, so maybe for some people this is a reasonable amount. But they can't possibly guilt you for not wanting to spend over $2,000 to fly down BY YOURSELF, WITHOUT YOUR FAMILY, for a week for their wedding. That, in my mind, would suck. And I definitely wouldn't be able for H to come too.

hoffse · December 2013

scribe, $400 can be enough to push people over budgets. She and her H have every right to determine what the maximum amount they could spend would be and decline to attend for even $1 more. She mentioned that one financial goal is to be a SAHM. She probably has others, and $400 might delay that.

Besides, personally I wouldn't want to go on vacation with 50 other people. And the way this bride is behaving, I'm not sure this would count as a vacation anyway.

KPBM89 · December 2013

Holy shitballs your relative really wants you to just drop $2000 to go to their DW? They're cuckoo bananas IMO. I agree with PP: say sorry you'll miss it, or just go for a couple days so you don't have to sell a kidney to go, but stand your ground in whatever decision you make.

Senecaf · December 2013

As PP have said, if you cannot afford it, you simply cannot afford it. I think it is very rude of your relative to not respect that.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

scribe95 said:

Look, no way I would spend that much. I was just having trouble that it was fine at $1,800 a person and not $2,000 a person.

Also, if a bride came on here and said that she got pushed by a bridal party member or guest to be allowed to bring their children we would say it was rude on the bridesmaid/guests' part. This is what this person did. It's clearly adult only and she told her cousin they couldn't spend the money without the kids coming along.

If she can't afford it then by all means politely decline. But I don't think she handled it well.

Normally, I would agree with this, but, the bride is guilt tripping OP to come. She did decline, but the bride is pusihing her to go. That's not cool, and if she really wants her to come, then she has to give in one way or the other.

As another poster said, if the bride want's OP to go then she should offer to pay for some of the cost if OP can't afford it. Sorry, but 2000 dollars per person to go to someone else's wedding is absolutely ridiculous. Maybe the bride and groom shouldn't have had a destination wedding if they are mad that certain people can't go. Also, if this was a dress, we would all be saying the bride should have discussed budget with bridesmaid, so how is this different?

ETA: Also, maybe I missed it, but where was it stated it was clearly an adults only event? Though not against etiquette, I think it's nice to invite children of the wedding party (unless it truly is adults only).

phira · December 2013

@laurynm84 The OP mentioned that her children were not invited, and she and her husband are irritated that they would have to pay $5000ish to go to a week-long destination wedding when they can't even bring their kids and make a vacation out of it. I don't think adult-only weddings are rude, and I don't think that the bride should necessarily say, "Okay, then you can bring your kids," since the issue here is $2k per person for a (somehow required) week-long destination wedding is too much for the OP.

lyndausvi · December 2013

You can't make a blanket statement on what is reasonable or not. There will always be people who can afford the time and money to go and there will be people who can't. There are also people who can afford but just plainly doesn't want to attend. Sadly there are people who also can't afford to go and still go anyway.

You don't owe people an explanation why you can't attend. If you can't or just plain don't want to just decline. Don't let her guilt you.

How did the amount of $2Kpp even come up? I've been to a lot of DW's and I've never discussed total price with any of the couples. We went to Austria last year and other than the bride giving us hotel recommendations we never talked about total costs. We on our own booked our flights, found the hotel, choose the amount of time we would stay. That trip cost a lot of money, but it was something we were willing and able to spend.

Just a few weeks ago we went to one in South Beach. The hotel the couple picked was $200+ per night. Which is a not bad for South Beach, but we happened to find one on Groupon for $100+ per night. It was also closer to the venue so we saved on taxis. We also went down a day before even though they had activities 2 days before the wedding. We also left at 6am the next day even though there was a brunch because it was $50 per person cheaper than if we had waited later in the day. Point being you don't have to follow all the recommendations or attend all the events the couple suggests.

Now if you really want to attend there are often ways to make that happen. You were willing to spend $1800. Do you really need a week? Can you share a room? Different hotels/airlines to use? I will admit if it was a close relative/friend and money/time was tight DH and I would have no problem sending one of us for a few days while the other stayed at home. It's the way we roll.

There is middle ground between $2k per person and not going. It sounds like you would like to attend this wedding. There is no harm in investigating all your options before saying no. However, if it's not going to workout no need to feel guilty. Sometimes things don't work out.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

phira said:

@laurynm84 The OP mentioned that her children were not invited, and she and her husband are irritated that they would have to pay $5000ish to go to a week-long destination wedding when they can't even bring their kids and make a vacation out of it. I don't think adult-only weddings are rude, and I don't think that the bride should necessarily say, "Okay, then you can bring your kids," since the issue here is $2k per person for a (somehow required) week-long destination wedding is too much for the OP.

True, but the poster I quoted said the OP didn't handle it well- which I disagree with. I was just trying to say that if bride wants OP to come so bad, than she should compromise in some way. It seems like the OP and her husband would be willing to spend the money if their kids could go too. Obviously, the bride has every right to not agree to that. But the OP has every right to say, nope it's too expensive for me to attend. If the bride said, ok we understand you can't come, then it would be a different story.

I think the bride is more in the wrong in this situation, because when you have an expensive DW you have to be ok with people not being able to come. Everyone has the right to spend their own money as they wish.

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

lyndausvi said:

How did the amount of $2Kpp even come up? I've been to a lot of DW's and I've never discussed total price with any of the couples.

I have a feeling that the couple is arranging everything through their travel agent so that they can either A. Be control-freaks over their wedding party; B. Save costs on their own trip there by getting a certain number of other people to book; or C. Both. I hate to sound so judgmental and negative about people I don't even know, but that's the only explanation that comes to mind, considering the circumstances (length of time required to stay, price required to go, and being arranged through a travel agent)

matronofhonorkv · December 2013

okay just to clarify the couple has asked that we bring the kids at an additional $1300/each. Which I had informed them I was not comfortable doing as that would put the cost for us at $7900. My concern over cost came more with the fact that the cost I would have to spend in order for my husband and I to come at $4000.00 is more what I would be comfortable spending to have a family vacation just us not to a DW. The bride and groom have gone through a travel agent in order to arrange this and according to them their expectation is for all of us to have accommodations at the same location. I would presume although not stated that their intent was to have it so that a certain number of guests come in order to help off set their costs.

Im relieved to see that Im not out to lunch thinking this cost is too much to ask

JellyBean52513 · December 2013

matronofhonorkv said:

okay just to clarify the couple has asked that we bring the kids at an additional $1300/each. Which I had informed them I was not comfortable doing as that would put the cost for us at $7900. My concern over cost came more with the fact that the cost I would have to spend in order for my husband and I to come at $4000.00 is more what I would be comfortable spending to have a family vacation just us not to a DW. The bride and groom have gone through a travel agent in order to arrange this and according to them their expectation is for all of us to have accommodations at the same location. I would presume although not stated that their intent was to have it so that a certain number of guests come in order to help off set their costs.
Im relieved to see that Im not out to lunch thinking this cost is too much to ask

You're not wrong for thinking that almost $8000 is way too much. Also, to the bolded, it would be INCREDIBLY tacky and rude for the B&G to be organizing this DW so that THEIR cost is off-set by your attendance. That's really no difference than asking guests to cover their plates with cash gifts. They should be planning a wedding they can afford, and if their nearest and dearest (i.e., people in the WP) cannot attend because of the cost, they should either lower the costs somehow or accept that they'll be celebrating with less people in attendance.

thisismynickname2 · December 2013

You know what, OP, your post is upsetting and here's why. My perception based on what you wrote is that these people are taking advantage of guests. Having also been to the Riviera Maya for a cost closer to $1300-$1400 including airfare for a week, I'm guessing that a) they chose an unnecessarily luxurious resort and b), based on their over-the-top guilt trip, they are getting their accommodations for free with x number of guests. That arrangement at resorts is not out of the ordinary. Any other person should respect your family's budget, but the guilt trip tells me there is more in this for them than they're letting on.

Either put your foot down and decline, or find a nearby resort to stay at for cheaper-- but don't book the cheaper resort until you get their reaction for you choosing somewhere else- I bet it would be really enlightening. Also, don't go for a full week. Good luck!

AshleyNicole1218 · December 2013

scribe95 said:
I would research your own flights and accommodations and see if you can make it work within a reasonable budget. If that is not good enough for the bride, tough.

I totally second @scribe95. I went to a DW in Nuevo Vallarta (other side of Mexico) about a month ago and we were able to get 5 days at the resort by booking through bookit.com for LESS than the travel agency was offering 4 days (same exact resort, same exact rooms). Do be aware that the flights can be the more expensive part, so even going for 2-3 days could add up quickly.

As other PP mentioned, you can look at other resorts. Make sure you check out the bride's resort restrictions and make necessary plans. The resort we went to had strict rules about visitors not being guests, something about not being able to stay past 8 without prior arrangements.. Obviously, I'm not saying it can't be done, just make sure you reach out to the resort where the wedding is before you go. It's not as easy as rolling up, with all the resorts gated and secured.

Good luck.

Edited - spelling.

TerriHugg · December 2013

$2,000 per person is extremely expensive.

For my destination wedding we worked with a travel agent to get the lowest possible cost for everyone. In fact accommodations at an all-inclusive resort for 5 days was $450 per person plist the cost of airfare. Depending on when they got airfare some people were paying $350 roundtrip.

We also made it clear to those invited that they are by no means obligated to stay at the resort we chose or stay for five days. We did have people who opted to stay at other resorts that fit their needs better.

That being said I'm not understanding why your relative is quoting everyone for a whole week. If you really want to go to the wedding I suggest, you look for accommodations in your price range. Otherwise, you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to afford to attend.

Belthil · December 2013

I was in a very similar situation with a close friend. They sent out their STDs in July for their April wedding with the deadline to put a down payment of the trip halfway through August. I was included on my parent's STD and so I didn't find out about the deadline until the week before it was due. Originally H and I were going to attend but A. we didn't have enough time to pull together the down payment and B. the DW was suddenly $2200 per person. We don't have that money lying around and we decided that even if we did that was $4400 we'd rather put towards going somewhere we wanted to go.

I think it's insane that people get angry or defensive when someone isn't willing to fork out thousands of dollars to watch them get married. I love my friend and I'm sad I won't be there but we'll celebrate when she gets home. A real friend would understand that people have commitments that unfortunately take precedence.

princessleia22 · December 2013

I would just tell your friend that you had budgeted $___ to attend her wedding, based on her earlier estimate, and as much as you care about her, you are not able to exceed that amount. Like others have said, see if there is any way to reduce the expenses. Maybe attend only part of the week. See if you can find cheaper flight or accommodations on your own. Even if you go down for just the wedding, and not stay the whole week, at least you are there for the most important part.

I'm also having a DW. Prior to booking anything, we talked to our "must have" guests (parents, siblings, best man, maid of honor) to determine what was feasible for them. We came up with a few options and went with the one that worked for everyone (a 7-day Caribbean cruise). Even then, our best man came back after we had booked saying that he looked more into it and he really can't afford the whole 7-day trip we planned. So, we have convinced him to fly in just for the day of the wedding instead. We would love to have him there the whole time, but at least he will be there to stand up with us at our wedding and help us celebrate. And we are very happy with that. So, that may be an option to look into for you.

photokitty · December 2013

See if the resort is on cheapcaribbean.com I have used them and had really good experiences. I would not go through their agent, but find a cheaper option on my own. And if I couldn't find rates at that resort that fit in my budget, but could at a nearby one I'd tell the bride I was staying there or sorry I wouldn't be able to swing it.

GL!

KickAssMOH · December 2013

If someone suggested that I leave my H at home to better afford my travel to their wedding, then I would probably become upset and irritated enough to decline their wedding, send a nice gift, and be done with it. Riviera Maya is not a very pricey destination, but your relative's wedding is during Spring break... something tells me that the 1-week deal is a spring break package. So, not only are you going to spend out the ass for this DW, but you're going to be surrounded by drunk college kids. This bride sounds like a selfish asshole and her wedding sounds like a huge waste of money.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

KickAssMOH said:

If someone suggested that I leave my H at home to better afford my travel to their wedding, then I would probably become upset and irritated enough to decline their wedding, send a nice gift, and be done with it. Riviera Maya is not a very pricey destination, but your relative's wedding is during Spring break... something tells me that the 1-week deal is a spring break package. So, not only are you going to spend out the ass for this DW, but you're going to be surrounded by drunk college kids. This bride sounds like a selfish asshole and her wedding sounds like a huge waste of money.

Bam! I agree with this, and all other PP's. . . if you can't afford to attend this shitshow, then stick to your guns and decline to be in the WP. Even if you could swing a day or two, after the way the bride and groom have acted, I would still advise you to decline.

Go take a nice family vacation with your DH and kiddos instead.

KatWAG · December 2013

I still dont understand why you have to go for a whole week. Can't you go for 3 days?

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