XP: including the woman's first name on the invitation?

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

laurynm84 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:
Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

Well, maybe they wanted their family to all have the same last name, but doesn't feel it's fair that a man's title doesn't change at marriage, but a woman's does. I personally think they should get rid of Mrs. and Miss, and all women are Ms. and all men are Mr. Being a feminist, this is much more equal.

A man's title doesn't change because he only has one option, lol. Interesting theory though. I don't find the female titles to be inherently sexist or offensive though.

Inkdancer · December 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

I am getting married because I love my FI. I am taking his last name because my current one is my biological father's name and he's not a part of my life.

That said, I don't want to be Mrs. Fi'sFirstname Fi'sLastname. I have my own first name and I would like to be called by it.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

Inkdancer said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

I am getting married because I love my FI. I am taking his last name because my current one is my biological father's name and he's not a part of my life.

That said, I don't want to be Mrs. Fi'sFirstname Fi'sLastname. I have my own first name and I would like to be called by it.

Right, You want to be Mrs. InkDancer HusbandsSurname on written communications. That's not what I was talking about.

This doesn't make sense to me:
Ms. InkDancer HusbandsSurname. . . taking the husband's last name but not wanting to be called Mrs. I don't get what is so awful about the title Mrs. All it means is that you are married.

I personally don't care what people want to be called nor do I find taking your husband's last name or using Mrs. to be offensive, ant-feminist, etc. If people want to be addressed on envelopes as Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, fine by me.

Inkdancer · December 2013

If I could get people to call me Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, I would do it! ...Provided it came with a lifetime supply of cupcakes.

In all seriousness, I agree with you about titles. I don't think it matters much whether someone is a Miss or a Ms or a Mrs.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

Inkdancer said:

If I could get people to call me Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, I would do it! ...Provided it came with a lifetime supply of cupcakes.

In all seriousness, I agree with you about titles. I don't think it matters much whether someone is a Miss or a Ms or a Mrs.

Just as long as we address them the way they ask and prefer to be addressed. . . I left that out of my "cupcake" post, though it was implied.

CrazyCatLady3 · December 2013

For our invitations we are either foregoing titles altogether and just doing Jane & John Smith or doing "Mrs. Jane and Mr. John Smith" or "Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Smith" for married couples where the woman took the husband's last name. She still has her own first name! I don't care if this means the husband has to be separated from his last name.

I don't think you're supposed to put "Ms. Jane Smith" where the woman took her husband's last name. I believe Ms. is used where the woman keeps her last name.

kerbohl · December 2013

I also got rid of the titles on my invites. Just John and Jane Smith.
I'm not officially taking my husband's last name, but I won't be upset if people call me by his last name. I did marry the man. Now, if they called me by someone else's last name, that might be cause for offense.

phira · December 2013

Reasons why a woman might change her last name to her spouse's last name, but prefer to be called Ms. instead of Mrs.: She might not want a title that denotes her marital status.

@kerbohl It's nice that you wouldn't be upset, but I know I'd be (because to me, that IS calling me by someone else's last name). That's why I strongly encourage people to ask if they're not sure how people prefer to be addressed. You don't know who's going to not even notice, and who's going to be upset.

MrsMack10612 · December 2013

I'm clearly on the old-fashioned bench, as I consider myself to Mrs. His First Last Name, but I have no issue with any of the variants that can be made.

We used titles on our invitations and our STDs. In fact, one couple that we thought was Mr. His First Last and Ms. Her First Last His Last corrected us on the STD that it should be Mr. & Mrs. His First last.

Now I think I am a few years older than most on here, so perhaps more of my generation still uses the old fashioned way.

Bottom line, I believe it's all personal preference, and not a hill to die on if someone makes the mistake. I don't think it makes anyone "less" if they choose to be old fashioned though. If you correct someone and they continue to do it wrong, well, that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I confirmed with FI's aunt when I got addresses that none of the women in the family kept their last names. I am aware of all the women in my family that did. I will address those that took their husbands last name as "Mr & Mrs John Doe" and those who didn't and "Mr. John Doe and Ms/rs. (depending on marital status) Jane Smith"

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

phira said:

Reasons why a woman might change her last name to her spouse's last name, but prefer to be called Ms. instead of Mrs.: She might not want a title that denotes her marital status.

@kerbohl It's nice that you wouldn't be upset, but I know I'd be (because to me, that IS calling me by someone else's last name). That's why I strongly encourage people to ask if they're not sure how people prefer to be addressed. You don't know who's going to not even notice, and who's going to be upset.

Yes exactly! Ms can be used for a married or unmarried woman, and in my opinion it is the equivalent of Mr. Now for social invitations I could care less if someone put Ms. Mrs or Mr and Mrs. but for business correspondence it is usually not appropriate to use Mrs. If the person doesn't have a professional title, than Ms. is preferred.

It would be so much simpler if women only had one title, like men. Why is a woman's title dependent on her marital status. That is no one elses business

chkmeowt · December 2013

I addressed my STD's as Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith for married couples.

Obviously for those who I knew kept last names or hyphenated I followed their choices.

I will be doing two last names with no hyphen.

phira · December 2013

@missax First name Crap last name Bag

Inkdancer · December 2013

missax said:

Inkdancer said:

If I could get people to call me Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, I would do it! ...Provided it came with a lifetime supply of cupcakes.

In all seriousness, I agree with you about titles. I don't think it matters much whether someone is a Miss or a Ms or a Mrs.

What about Princess Consuela Banana Hammock?

Does that one come with a lifetime supply of cupcakes? Because if so, I'd consider it!

Calypso1977 · December 2013

i think there is a difference between Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Mrs. John Doe.

meaning, if i were married and received mail for both of us addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe i wouldnt be bothered (assuming i had my husband's name). But mail just to me id prefer Ms. Jane Doe.

PrettyGirlLost · December 2013

Calypso1977 said:

i think there is a difference between Mr. and Mrs. John Doe and Mrs. John Doe.
meaning, if i were married and received mail for both of us addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe i wouldnt be bothered (assuming i had my husband's name). But mail just to me id prefer Ms. Jane Doe.

Why? I'm just curious.

ashleyep · December 2013

I'll just add that the feminist in me knows that the tradition of women taking their husband's last name is sexist and that being addressed as Mrs. John Doe is also sexist.

Neither of which bothers me. I'm taking his last name and it won't bother me to be addressed as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. Especially since the only time I will ever be addressed that way is on formal correspondence like wedding invitations. Big effing deal, IMO. But I know it bothers others, so I've done my best to ask most of my guests.

Inkdancer · December 2013

missax said:

Inkdancer said:

missax said:

Inkdancer said:

If I could get people to call me Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, I would do it! ...Provided it came with a lifetime supply of cupcakes.

In all seriousness, I agree with you about titles. I don't think it matters much whether someone is a Miss or a Ms or a Mrs.

What about Princess Consuela Banana Hammock?

Does that one come with a lifetime supply of cupcakes? Because if so, I'd consider it!

No but It does come with Paul Rudd as your husband.

A tempting prospect, but I think I'll stick with FH.

Viczaesar · December 2013

missax said:

Inkdancer said:

missax said:

Inkdancer said:

If I could get people to call me Princess Frou Frou of all Cupcakes, I would do it! ...Provided it came with a lifetime supply of cupcakes.

In all seriousness, I agree with you about titles. I don't think it matters much whether someone is a Miss or a Ms or a Mrs.

What about Princess Consuela Banana Hammock?

Does that one come with a lifetime supply of cupcakes? Because if so, I'd consider it!

No but It does come with Paul Rudd as your husband.

Sold.

Jen4948 · December 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

"Mrs." means "the wife of" and many women don't want to identify themselves that way. They'd rather not have their names identify them as a wife when men's do not identify their marital status.

"Ms." simply means that the person whose name follows it is a woman but doesn't give away her marital status.

hikebikebemerry · December 2013

Personally, I think you should make one decision, and stick with it. For example, my sister decided to hypenate her name, but has not done so on everything, and is kind of wishy washy as to which she goes by. (Maiden name or hypenated) And to be honest- it's just annoying, especially when I have to send her something multiple times (such as wiring money to her bank) because I have no idea what name it should go under, and she never gives a straight answer... Sorry if that got a little ranty-pants. Just own your decision, and don't judge other people for doing the opposite. If you choose to keep your own name, that does not make you more independent or strong willed than someone who doesn't. Whereas, if you change your name, it doesn't make you more committed or more family oriented. The only arguement that bothers me either way is when people say, "Well, with divorce statistics the way they are, it's not a bad idea to keep your name because that's one less thing that you'll have to deal with." (And by bothers, I mean makes me irate- it's basically giving ammo to people who think that women who keep their last name are somehow less serious about marriage. Grr.) For the record, I'm taking FI's last name. I like the idea of just having one name for our family unit. He offered to take mine, but I have a slightly different last name, and people either think I'm joking when I say it, or can't hear the first letter; so it will be a little easier for me. ETA: My iPad apparently frowns upon the idea of paragraphs.

lovesclimbing · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

"Mrs." means "the wife of" and many women don't want to identify themselves that way. They'd rather not have their names identify them as a wife when men's do not identify their marital status.

"Ms." simply means that the person whose name follows it is a woman but doesn't give away her marital status.

I'm pretty sure this is wrong. Ms. does give away your marital status. It means you're unmarried.

AroundTheBlock · December 2013

lovesclimbing said:

Jen4948 said:

"Mrs." means "the wife of" and many women don't want to identify themselves that way. They'd rather not have their names identify them as a wife when men's do not identify their marital status.

"Ms." simply means that the person whose name follows it is a woman but doesn't give away her marital status.

I'm pretty sure this is wrong. Ms. does give away your marital status. It means you're unmarried.

In the 1960's and earlier, "Mrs" meant you were married and "Miss" meant you were single. In the 1970's, the women's movement promoted the use of "Ms" as an equivalent to "Mr": a title for women that was not based on whether they were married or not. There is a reason that "Ms." magazine is called "Ms."

I know; I was there. So while you may be "pretty sure" that @Jen4948 is wrong, I am absolutely 100% certain that she is right.

Viczaesar · December 2013

lovesclimbing said:

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Your options are:

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (old-fashioned way)

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Doe (new-fashioned way that indicates that they are married AND she took his name, but doesn't want to be 'Mrs.')

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith (they're married but she kept her name)

TBH, I don't mind people asking to be addressed a certain way, but saying, "I hope you won't address us the old-fashioned way as that's sexist" isn't helpful. If you want to be addressed a certain way EFFING TELL PEOPLE.

This doesn't make sense to me. . . Why get married and take your husband's last name if you don't want to be titled Mrs?

"Mrs." means "the wife of" and many women don't want to identify themselves that way. They'd rather not have their names identify them as a wife when men's do not identify their marital status.

"Ms." simply means that the person whose name follows it is a woman but doesn't give away her marital status.

I'm pretty sure this is wrong. Ms. does give away your marital status. It means you're unmarried.

You are incorrect. Ms. does not mean that you're unmarried. It says nothing about your marital status at all.

phira · December 2013

Yeah, Ms was intentionally introduced as a title for women that did not indicate marital status. I'm Ms now and I plan on being Ms until I'm Dr, even after I'm married.

hikebikebemerry · December 2013

missax said:

hikebikebemerry said:

Personally, I think you should make one decision, and stick with it. For example, my sister decided to hypenate her name, but has not done so on everything, and is kind of wishy washy as to which she goes by. (Maiden name or hypenated) And to be honest- it's just annoying, especially when I have to send her something multiple times (such as wiring money to her bank) because I have no idea what name it should go under, and she never gives a straight answer... Sorry if that got a little ranty-pants. Just own your decision, and don't judge other people for doing the opposite. If you choose to keep your own name, that does not make you more independent or strong willed than someone who doesn't. Whereas, if you change your name, it doesn't make you more committed or more family oriented. The only arguement that bothers me either way is when people say, "Well, with divorce statistics the way they are, it's not a bad idea to keep your name because that's one less thing that you'll have to deal with." (And by bothers, I mean makes me irate- it's basically giving ammo to people who think that women who keep their last name are somehow less serious about marriage. Grr.) For the record, I'm taking FI's last name. I like the idea of just having one name for our family unit. He offered to take mine, but I have a slightly different last name, and people either think I'm joking when I say it, or can't hear the first letter; so it will be a little easier for me. ETA: My iPad apparently frowns upon the idea of paragraphs.

This drives me nuts. I used to fingerprint people for FBI background checks and I can't even count the number of times people have come in or called to yell at me because they failed the background. Most of the time it was a women who did the same as your sister. On her DL it had one name, her social had it hyphenated... nothing matched and the background would come back saying she had too many aliases. Get your shit together, that's not my fault.

I don't see how people having multiple names at the same time doesn't seem like a problem to them? I totally respect everyone's name choice, just make sure whatever name you choose to go by legally is the same across the board. It would make me a little stabby if people yelled at me because they didn't feel like going to the DMV.

XP: including the woman's first name on the invitation?

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