Gift-giving parity vent

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

DH's crazy aunt is a widow, with one child. He is 26 years old. She still sends Christmas cards signed from both of them, and shops for, buys, and wraps Christmas gifts for the family from both of them.

Fine, whatever. However they order things in their family is none of my business, although I do feel sorry for any girl he ends up bringing home.

She's already bought us our Christmas presents, and had them shipped to our apartment -- a tart pan and two soup bowls from our registry. Fine. We asked for registry stuff, so this is perfect.

She called both me and DH today (neither of us picked up, because we generally screen her calls). She left us BOTH messages that said, "I spent $X on your Christmas presents, just so you know, so that you know how much to spend on me and on Cousin. Remember, we EACH get a gift, and it should be equal in value to the gift we gave you."

Uhm, first of all, you didn't spend $X. I know how much that stuff cost, because I put it on our registry. She inflated the amount she spent by 25%. Second of all, gift-giving ins't a parity situation -- just because YOU spent X amount doesn't mean we have to. Third of all, if you spent $X on a gift FOR two people FROM two people, then I should divide $X by two, and get the amount that I'm supposed to spend on you. You don't get to spend $X for two people and then expect us to spend $X EACH on you.

And all of the gift-giving is going down on Saturday, at BSC grandma's house, with the added fun of DH having finally sat her down and said, "Look, we all know that my sperm donor is your son, but none of us want to see him, so you need to pick. You can see us all at the holidays, but you can't see us all together, and if you invite him, we're all going to get up and leave." She said that he's "ruining her family Christmas" and she "doesn't know how many she has left."

DH, to his credit, said, "You have NONE left with us as a family if you insist on including my sperm-donor. So make a choice."

This is why alcoholism is on the rise during the holidays.

KatWAG · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

DH's crazy aunt is a widow, with one child. He is 26 years old. She still sends Christmas cards signed from both of them, and shops for, buys, and wraps Christmas gifts for the family from both of them.

Fine, whatever. However they order things in their family is none of my business, although I do feel sorry for any girl he ends up bringing home.

She's already bought us our Christmas presents, and had them shipped to our apartment -- a tart pan and two soup bowls from our registry. Fine. We asked for registry stuff, so this is perfect.

She called both me and DH today (neither of us picked up, because we generally screen her calls). She left us BOTH messages that said, "I spent $X on your Christmas presents, just so you know, so that you know how much to spend on me and on Cousin. Remember, we EACH get a gift, and it should be equal in value to the gift we gave you."

Uhm, first of all, you didn't spend $X. I know how much that stuff cost, because I put it on our registry. She inflated the amount she spent by 25%. Second of all, gift-giving ins't a parity situation -- just because YOU spent X amount doesn't mean we have to. Third of all, if you spent $X on a gift FOR two people FROM two people, then I should divide $X by two, and get the amount that I'm supposed to spend on you. You don't get to spend $X for two people and then expect us to spend $X EACH on you.

And all of the gift-giving is going down on Saturday, at BSC grandma's house, with the added fun of DH having finally sat her down and said, "Look, we all know that my sperm donor is your son, but none of us want to see him, so you need to pick. You can see us all at the holidays, but you can't see us all together, and if you invite him, we're all going to get up and leave." She said that he's "ruining her family Christmas" and she "doesn't know how many she has left."

DH, to his credit, said, "You have NONE left with us as a family if you insist on including my sperm-donor. So make a choice."

This is why alcoholism is on the rise during the holidays.

(stuck in box)

Yuck to that whole situation. Just remember, its 5:00 somewhere. Bottoms up!

smalfrie19 · December 2013

My jaw is on the floor!!!!!

Couggal12 · December 2013

Wow, your H's aunt sounds like my FMIL. She called me last week to tell me what to get her for Christmas. Not a friendly suggestion, not a hint, but specifically where I can buy the gift and about how much it costs.

It makes me need wine.

afox007 · December 2013

I feel like somewhere on here I heard you mention that you knit. Obviously there's no time to make both of them something, but if she's inflating prices I see nothing wrong with buying two inexpensive knit scarves and saying you made them. If she complains about the price difference tell her that between the cost of yarn and the $15 an hour labor fee her and her sons gifts actually cost more.

Ugh after reading that I need a drink.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@afox007, I do knit, and I actually have several projects on needles (a scarf, two sets of fingerless gloves, and a set of leg warmers).

But I only knit for people I genuinely like (or people who pay me), which knocks them out immediately. I did offer to make something for DH's grandmother (because I love him), and he said, "No, because she won't like it, and she'll call you cheap for making something rather than buying something."

So that's out, too. Effers.

banana468 · December 2013

Is she trying to add tax or shipping?

Either way, the good thing is that you know you have zero need to give in to such demands.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@banana468 -- exactly!! And I pointed that out to DH. He said, "Well, she does this every year. Most years, she buy stuff at Ross or TJMaxx and counts the 'compare at' price in what she thinks I owe her. My grandmother always gives in and does it."

I said, "Well, we sent an over-all budget this year, and a per-person budget within that, and we're not going over that, I don't care what she wants. If she's rude enough to say something to me in person, I'll take the gift back, tell her why I'm doing it, and then we'll leave."

thisismynickname2 · December 2013

There's really no point in dictating the amount anyone spends on gifts; otherwise you should all just show up, stand in a circle, and hand $100 to the left. Problem of parity solved!

banana468 · December 2013

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

afox007 · December 2013

banana468 said:

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

Sounds like my FMIL. I honestly don't think she's ever paid for herself and FSFIL anytime we've gone out to eat. Though she is nice enough to criticize me for ordering a second glass of wine and increasing the bill that I'm paying for.

cruffino · December 2013

Omg, you have a bsc grandma AND a bsc aunt?! I feel I need to mail you a case of wine for your Saturday get together.

Not parity related but FI's mom made an Amazon wish list. I think thats really weird. But she's the type that gets all sad and guilt trippy if she doesn't feel that people make a big deal enough of her when giving gifts.

Bruins63 · December 2013

Holy crap that's hilarious that someone would actually leave that voicemail- twice!!!!! You know the way you refuse to be around FI's father? Yea, I'd be the same towards aunt!!

PolarBearFitz · December 2013

afox007 said:

banana468 said:

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

Sounds like my FMIL. I honestly don't think she's ever paid for herself and FSFIL anytime we've gone out to eat. Though she is nice enough to criticize me for ordering a second glass of wine and increasing the bill that I'm paying for.

And it seems to me after hearing that she should be thankful you are having a second glass before you get all rage-y. lol

climbingsingle · December 2013

That's totally ridiculous.

krizzo17 · December 2013

Is BSC Aunt BSC Grandma's daughter or sister?

KytchynWitche · December 2013

Every year FMIL and I set a "rough budget" for gifts and everyone in the family buys things in that general range - it's usually fairly low (we aren't a exactly high income family), and it's mostly just so that everyone has something to open. It works pretty well 'cause it means that no one's left going "I bought you all iPods and you all got me socks?!"

If I were to do Christmas with my family though, I would never dream of calling anyone and saying "I spent x, you need to spend the same on me!" 'cause honestly, then I'd rather just keep my money and send everyone a "merry Christmas" text.

I feel so much for you with your BSC family. You get all my hugs this holiday season!

NYCMercedes · December 2013

Please check in after the event to let us know what happened.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

HGF, I think you guys just need to move far, far, far away from the crazy and start a new life.

I always tell HGF that she needs to move to the west coast until granny dies and then she can move back after.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

@krizzo17: BBC auntie is BBC granny's daughter. Clearly BBC is genetic.

I keep saying we need to move far, far away, but it would be harder to find jobs in our industry. So we avoid. A lot.

Believe me, I also think waiting until she is gone to have kids is a good idea. DH's brother has a kid, and he rarely lets crazy granny see the kid because she's so crazy and mean.

Thanks for the offers of wine and hugs. And y'all just KNOW I will fill you all in after the event happens.

afox007 · December 2013

aefitz29 said:

afox007 said:

banana468 said:

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

Sounds like my FMIL. I honestly don't think she's ever paid for herself and FSFIL anytime we've gone out to eat. Though she is nice enough to criticize me for ordering a second glass of wine and increasing the bill that I'm paying for.

And it seems to me after hearing that she should be thankful you are having a second glass before you get all rage-y. lol

She really should be, I usually order it so I don't smack her the next time she grabs my cigarettes out of my purse to bum "one" and walks out with half the pack.

Emmy1493 · December 2013

afox007 said:

aefitz29 said:

afox007 said:

banana468 said:

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

Sounds like my FMIL. I honestly don't think she's ever paid for herself and FSFIL anytime we've gone out to eat. Though she is nice enough to criticize me for ordering a second glass of wine and increasing the bill that I'm paying for.

And it seems to me after hearing that she should be thankful you are having a second glass before you get all rage-y. lol

She really should be, I usually order it so I don't smack her the next time she grabs my cigarettes out of my purse to bum "one" and walks out with half the pack.

@ HGF Wine? What you need is some of them sock'em-boppers! I would've bopped the shit out of both of them. Geeze. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

PolarBearFitz · December 2013

afox007 said:

aefitz29 said:

afox007 said:

banana468 said:

I also think it takes quite a bit of chutzpah to think that a couple starting out should spend what someone established spends. My MIL pulls stuff like this ("forgets"her wallet so DH picks up the tab, or point blank says that it's our turn) and it's rather frustrating to feel like we are supposed to owe those older than us while we work to get our family and home established.

Sounds like my FMIL. I honestly don't think she's ever paid for herself and FSFIL anytime we've gone out to eat. Though she is nice enough to criticize me for ordering a second glass of wine and increasing the bill that I'm paying for.

And it seems to me after hearing that she should be thankful you are having a second glass before you get all rage-y. lol

She really should be, I usually order it so I don't smack her the next time she grabs my cigarettes out of my purse to bum "one" and walks out with half the pack.

Ugh what a B...

jlazgrl · December 2013

I would buy her something cheap and stick a higher price tag on it, lol. AND I would make sure the price tag was more than she spent on me and then tell her she owes me the difference.

kmmssg · December 2013

HGF - I never tire of your DH's latest go-rounds with BSC Granny. He seriously puts her in her place so bluntly. Please promise updates after the Saturday shindig. I promise to bring you cookies.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

kmmssg said:

HGF - I never tire of your DH's latest go-rounds with BSC Granny. He seriously puts her in her place so bluntly. Please promise updates after the Saturday shindig. I promise to bring you cookies.

@kmmssg, Oh, you know it! The latest round, as I posted in another thread elsewhere today, is that she essentially wants us to have a PPD at HER church with HER friends so THEY can see us get married and so it will be "real."

I told her it wasn't ever going to happen and to stop nagging, DH told her that it would happen when Hell froze over.

DH bought a 1.5L bottle of wine for this weekend's shindig. I looked at it and said, "Well, that's (barely) enough for me, but what are you bringing for the rest of your family? Because I'm not sharing."

vt&dt · December 2013

Oh my goodness...HGF you are a hero for not seriously injuring any of them yet. I wouldn't even know what to do. Can you take noise-cancelling headphones and your knitting projects for people that you like and hide in a corner?

I'd be tempted to pretend like I had the runs and just sit alone in the bathroom for the whole evening.

But, seriously, good luck. All of TK is cheering for you.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Thanks! I do plan to take knitting projects and just sit quietly in the corner and ignore everyone. DH has promised me that, since it starts by 5, we will be out by 6.30 -- earlier, if his brother doesn't come with his nephew, which is really the only reason we're going at all.

I promise to update after the event. Or possibly during, depending on how terrible it is.

shannyb41 · December 2013

What the Aunt did was rude so I would just ignore that. And I would never, ever speak to my husband grandmother that way and give her an ultimatum. It's one day...I don't know what the deal is with the dad but calling him a sperm donor to his mother is disrespectful. I would just suck it up for the one day.

thisismynickname2 · December 2013

urbaneca said:

Every year FMIL and I set a "rough budget" for gifts and everyone in the family buys things in that general range - it's usually fairly low (we aren't a exactly high income family), and it's mostly just so that everyone has something to open. It works pretty well 'cause it means that no one's left going "I bought you all iPods and you all got me socks?!"

Yeah we've done that too, particularly when the recession was at its worst and both my parents were out of work. They had more important things to buy than gifts. I think that system works well!

banana468 · December 2013

shannyb41 said:
What the Aunt did was rude so I would just ignore that. And I would never, ever speak to my husband grandmother that way and give her an ultimatum. It's one day...I don't know what the deal is with the dad but calling him a sperm donor to his mother is disrespectful. I would just suck it up for the one day.

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