RSVP reversals

orwhatuwill · December 2013

We're less than 2 weeks out. We've had 6 "yes" RSVPs switched to "no"... I'm glad that folks are are taking the time to let us know and not just becoming "no shows". I assume that this does happen, and that the etiquette is to make contact ahead of time (?)...

For folks that have already had their weddings, how many pre-communicated RSVP reversals did you have? Did you have any "no"s turn into "yes"?

Jen4948 · December 2013

If someone has to switch their RSVP to no at the last minute, then I would accept that unless the reason is "I'm not in the mood." If someone gets sick, has a death in their family or close friends, or has to report to work unexpectedly at the last minute, you really can't do anything but accept it.

The one thing you can't politely do is B-list.

If someone who previously RSVPd no now wants to change the RSVP to yes, whether or not I'd be okay with it is situational, because it would depend on why they RSVPd no in the first place. If this was a person who had wanted to come all along but wasn't sure that they could take time off, afford the trip, etc., but now can do so, I would welcome them, but if they're giving off an "I don't have anything better to do" vibe, I wouldn't want to host them.

photokitty · December 2013

I had last minute changes. Up until a week out I would like to be told. After that it doesn't really matter as I've already turned in my final count. Day of - don't bother telling me - I can't get the money back for your meal and I don't need to be bothered while I'm getting ready, taking photos or being active in my wedding and reception

I would hope for an apology of being a no show after the fact. I understand things happen. I had 7 no shows, 2 for a death of the wife's best friend, 2 for a sick babysitter, 1 was hospitalized - all good reasons to cancel - AND 2 no shows for random plus ones requested by 2 of my DH's employees. Those i was ticked off about bc they were not in relationships and one had actually called him to ask for the date 4 days before the wedding…so rude.

audubonbride2013 · December 2013

We had a family of 5 that RSVPed yes tell my MIL that they weren't coming a little less than a week out. My venue was very flexible and we got their meals credited against our chair covers. I will admit that it bothered me that they never called, emailed, or sent a card to H since it was his aunt, uncle, and cousins. They ALL decided not to come because his aunt didn't feel like flying on the day of their scheduled flight (not sick or anything).

ETA: We also had 2 no shows

MrsMack10612 · December 2013

We had one let us know a week, maybe 2 ahead of time - the GF of a guest had surgery and wasn't sure she'd be up for the travel involved or the event in general. I was ok with it. Since she went from yes to maybe, I kept her in the headcount. She ended up not making it. Oh well.

We had two no shows. One we heard nothing from. We found out after the fact she had broken her leg a day or two before. I was a little annoyed that even months (and now a year) later she never sent an email or anything, we heard through word of mouth.

The other called or texted H the morning of and said he threw his back out. Turns out he just didn't/couldn't/wouldn't put his big boy pants on for one day to be in the same space as his ex, who was also invited. I certainly had the brains to not seat them at the same table, but he wouldn't even try. Did it to one of our other friends at their wedding too. RSVP's yes to both and no showed to both.

heathertims · December 2013

I had 4 on my side of the family, and 5 on my husband's side.
In my case, my wedding was on a friday, and my uncle and his daughter (and her husband) didnt realized until 3 weeks before. I was a bit annoyed it took them that long to realize, but I understood, that they couldn't take the day off work to come. No hard feelings at all, and a big thank you for letting me know! One was my other uncle's wife, her son had a big event at his millitary college, and it was one of the few days she was allowed to visit him.

On my husband's side 5 let us know the day before. They were in a really tough situation with one of the daughters who is struggling with mental health issues, and honestly, we didn't think they would make it. She had an episode the day before and they had to cancel their plans. That is obviously more important.

Reversals do not bother me, as the personal was polite enough to pick up the phone and say "I'm sorry, I know this is a special day to you, but i can no longer be there." no shows drive me NUTS!!!! Weddings are not BBQ's! you cannot just NOT show up!!! ugghhhh

hockeywithadiamond · December 2013

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

photokitty · December 2013

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

winelover123 · December 2013

We had 6 no-shows. Most were sick, others had strange excuses but we got to take any extra food home with us, so it didn't bother us too much. They all apologized for missing our wedding too.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.
If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

except that the main reason for RSVP is food...and if they leave before the food...well..its just a waste...

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

We had five people RSVP yes and then not attend -- a friend of DH's whose basement flooded in a freak rainstorm the weekend of our wedding; his second cousin and her husband didn't come because the husband's brother died unexpectedly the day of our wedding, just after midnight; and my cousin and her husband, because she had a baby the day before our wedding.

Obviously, with all of those, we understood.

The friend texted DH and said, "Hey, I can't make it, my basement is flooded"; the relative told her mother, who was invited, to tell us; and my aunt (cousin's mother) let us know about the baby, so it was all good.

DH's grandmother did keep telling us, leading up to the wedding, that "so-and-so and so-and-so might come to the wedding after all." I kept saying, "They have RSVP'd no, so there will be no chairs, tables, escort cards, favours, or food for them if they do."

I think if someone had RSVP'd no for a legit reason -- work or travel -- and then could make it and gave us enough notice, it would have been fine. We didn't have to give our final headcount to the venue until the Friday before, so we could have made changes up until then. But I ditto PPs -- if I was getting a "Well, we didn't get a better offer" vibe, I'd be like, "Sorry, no."

indianaalum · December 2013

I did have a couple "yes" turn to "no". Like you, I appreciated the warning.

I had zero "no's" turn to "yes"s

I only had one couple no-show, but they genuinely made a mistake. They went to the church the next day by accident. They sent us a gift and an apology.

indianaalum · December 2013

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

Although I understand your point, you PAY for the reception so it really is wasted money. If the person knew they could only make the ceremony, they should say it ahead of time so you don't pay for a meal

photokitty · December 2013

indianaalum said:

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

Although I understand your point, you PAY for the reception so it really is wasted money. If the person knew they could only make the ceremony, they should say it ahead of time so you don't pay for a meal

If they knew before hand, I agree, they should rsvp accordingly. But we don't know why they left, maybe the babysitter called and they had to run.

It's rude, but it's not as bad as people who skip the wedding and only attend the reception. I know a lot of people who do this and think it is perfectly ok. I think it is insulting and essentially saying - I don't care about your wedding, I just want the free booze and to par-tay!!

So I'd rather pay for someone's meal that cared enough to see me get married but didn't eat it, than someone who skipped the ceremony and only came for the party. Obviously, there are exceptions.

ei34 · December 2013

My husband and I had four no-shows, but it evened out in the end because we had six extra guests attend. Not people who'd been invited and RSVP'd no, but guests deciding for themselves to bring extra people

SewInLoveWithDMB · December 2013

A few weeks in advance we had a few yes rsvp responses turn into no - about 5 people. We had to give our venue the final number 24 hours in advance, so this was not an issue.

On the day of, 3 people who had responded as yes did not show up. 2 (a couple) sorta contacted us (we saw them at a party after we returned from our honeymoon) and sent us a rather large gift via mail right after the wedding. The 3rd has yet to say anything to us or apologize and I haven't talked to her since.

ETA: One guest had originally rsvp'ed no (his wife filled out the card) and he emailed me saying that he could actually make it and the wife couldn't. We are close, so I had no issues with it, but it did make me chuckle. It was about 3 weeks before the wedding.

(We had 208 guests show up - the count we gave the venue was 211)

MrsMack10612 · December 2013

eileenrob said:

My husband and I had four no-shows, but it evened out in the end because we had six extra guests attend. Not people who'd been invited and RSVP'd no, but guests deciding for themselves to bring extra people

I will never understand people who think this is appropriate behavior. I mean, seriously...you think it's ok for an event that you RSVP'd for to show up with extra people?

csuave · December 2013

I had 2 switch the day before from yes to no. They were a somewhat unreliable OOT friend + guest that said she had to work last minute at her nursing job.

Their meals were paid for and I didn't want them to go to waste if they didn't need to so I extended an extra plus 2 to my friend "Ann."

Ann is a long time friend in her fifties that does not have a SO and didn't know any of the other wedding guests very well. Ann is close to her family and they are great people that I have gotten to know over the years. I gave Ann a +1 on her invitation and was not sure who she would invite to come with her. Her RSVP came back with Ann and her mother's names. When I saw who she chose I asked Ann if she would also like her dad to come. Ann, her mom and her dad were all very happy to accept the additional +1. So when I got the last minute cancellation I told Ann that if her son and daughter in law were free we would be happy to have them attend and enjoy the two chicken dinners that had been RSVP'd for. They accepted and the five of them had a great time attending together.

shannyb41 · December 2013

We had a couple switch the week of the wedding. Two were the day before the wedding.

indianaalum · December 2013

photokitty said:

indianaalum said:

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

Although I understand your point, you PAY for the reception so it really is wasted money. If the person knew they could only make the ceremony, they should say it ahead of time so you don't pay for a meal

If they knew before hand, I agree, they should rsvp accordingly. But we don't know why they left, maybe the babysitter called and they had to run.

It's rude, but it's not as bad as people who skip the wedding and only attend the reception. I know a lot of people who do this and think it is perfectly ok. I think it is insulting and essentially saying - I don't care about your wedding, I just want the free booze and to par-tay!!

So I'd rather pay for someone's meal that cared enough to see me get married but didn't eat it, than someone who skipped the ceremony and only came for the party. Obviously, there are exceptions.

I don't know it it's a regional thing or a catholic thing, but almost every wedding i have ever attended had only probably 25-50 percent of the guests come to the church for the ceremony. Most people I know really just attend the reception unless they are particularly close to the couple.

misshart00 · December 2013

indianaalum said:

photokitty said:

indianaalum said:

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

Although I understand your point, you PAY for the reception so it really is wasted money. If the person knew they could only make the ceremony, they should say it ahead of time so you don't pay for a meal

If they knew before hand, I agree, they should rsvp accordingly. But we don't know why they left, maybe the babysitter called and they had to run.

It's rude, but it's not as bad as people who skip the wedding and only attend the reception. I know a lot of people who do this and think it is perfectly ok. I think it is insulting and essentially saying - I don't care about your wedding, I just want the free booze and to par-tay!!

So I'd rather pay for someone's meal that cared enough to see me get married but didn't eat it, than someone who skipped the ceremony and only came for the party. Obviously, there are exceptions.

I don't know it it's a regional thing or a catholic thing, but almost every wedding i have ever attended had only probably 25-50 percent of the guests come to the church for the ceremony. Most people I know really just attend the reception unless they are particularly close to the couple.

I've got to ask, is it because there's a gap between the ceremony and reception?

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

Ditto @misshart00. I'd guess that people do that because the bride and groom are rude and have a gap between the ceremony and reception.

GrrArgh · December 2013

I had an RSVP come in that said "Mr and Mrs suchandsuch joyfully accepts attending 2" and then written under that It's Mr SuchandSuch's 55th birthday so we're trying to go out of town on that weekend but if we can't we will be at the wedding for sure!

words failed me

indianaalum · December 2013

misshart00 said:

photokitty said:

indianaalum said:

photokitty said:

hockeywithadiamond said:

We had one couple show up to the ceremony, say hey during the cocktail hour, then ditch the reception without saying anything to us.

Another is in an open marriage, RSVP'd yes with his wife and two kids, then the week before asked if he could leave the kids at home and bring the gf. I stupidly said yes... the gf was a drunken idiot and made a few scenes.

Weird crap happens at wedding and friendships can be tested for sure.

If you attend the ceremony I have not issue with when you leave, even if it's before dinner. The reception is our thank you for attending the ceremony. The ceremony is the main event, when the marriage happens and what I want my loved ones to be there for - the party is just extra. But that's just MHO

Although I understand your point, you PAY for the reception so it really is wasted money. If the person knew they could only make the ceremony, they should say it ahead of time so you don't pay for a meal

If they knew before hand, I agree, they should rsvp accordingly. But we don't know why they left, maybe the babysitter called and they had to run.

It's rude, but it's not as bad as people who skip the wedding and only attend the reception. I know a lot of people who do this and think it is perfectly ok. I think it is insulting and essentially saying - I don't care about your wedding, I just want the free booze and to par-tay!!

So I'd rather pay for someone's meal that cared enough to see me get married but didn't eat it, than someone who skipped the ceremony and only came for the party. Obviously, there are exceptions.

I don't know it it's a regional thing or a catholic thing, but almost every wedding i have ever attended had only probably 25-50 percent of the guests come to the church for the ceremony. Most people I know really just attend the reception unless they are particularly close to the couple.
I've got to ask, is it because there's a gap between the ceremony and reception?

not necessarily. I didn't have a gap at my wedding and I would say about 50 percent or less came to ceremony. I see that alot around here. not sure why. I definitely see the "catholic gap" and do recognize that creates the decreased ceremony attendance, but I had no gap and it still happened so who knows.

chkmeowt · December 2013

I find it incredibly rude to skip the ceremony and then go to the reception. My mom will try to pull that all the time and I scold her. Of course, the last wedding I went to, last minute my fiance and I did just this. But it was the same day as my uncles funeral and after 5 hours of funeral services we only had an hour to get to the ceremony and we just couldn't muster the energy to rush home, change, eat and get there in time. The bride and her family were very forgiving.

kerbohl · December 2013

GrrArgh said:

I had an RSVP come in that said "Mr and Mrs suchandsuch joyfully accepts attending 2" and then written under that It's Mr SuchandSuch's 55th birthday so we're trying to go out of town on that weekend but if we can't we will be at the wedding for sure!

words failed

I'm stuck in the box . . .

Wow, isn't it great to have someone say to you that your wedding is second fiddle? Makes you feel like a million bucks!

I have an aunt who RSVP'd maybe, because there is another wedding that she would rather go to that *might* happen that day (they don't actually have a date, they haven't sent out invites, and my wedding is a month away at this point). So if that wedding doesn't happen, yeah, she gets to go to mine because she has nothing better to do! I feel swell about this!

Jen4948 · December 2013

debmonn said:

I find it incredibly rude to skip the ceremony and then go to the reception. My mom will try to pull that all the time and I scold her. Of course, the last wedding I went to, last minute my fiance and I did just this. But it was the same day as my uncles funeral and after 5 hours of funeral services we only had an hour to get to the ceremony and we just couldn't muster the energy to rush home, change, eat and get there in time. The bride and her family were very forgiving.

But you had extenuating circumstances. I agree with you that skipping a wedding ceremony and attending only the reception because you (generic) find the ceremony boring doesn't fall in the category of "extenuating circumstances."

photokitty · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

debmonn said:

I find it incredibly rude to skip the ceremony and then go to the reception. My mom will try to pull that all the time and I scold her. Of course, the last wedding I went to, last minute my fiance and I did just this. But it was the same day as my uncles funeral and after 5 hours of funeral services we only had an hour to get to the ceremony and we just couldn't muster the energy to rush home, change, eat and get there in time. The bride and her family were very forgiving.

But you had extenuating circumstances. I agree with you that skipping a wedding ceremony and attending only the reception because you (generic) find the ceremony boring doesn't fall in the category of "extenuating circumstances."

Totally agree. I am not talking about people who have to work, have funerals, other obligations they wish they could get out of…I'm talking about he folks who don't want to be bored and only go for the party. You had an excellent reason for missing the ceremony.

I have colleagues that skip their close friends' ceremonies bc the think the receptions is the "important part." I have told them who I feel about this, they know it's rude and just don't care.

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