Wedding Etiquette Forum

Invite or No?

Okay I will try and make this a short as possible. Very, very long story made short FI has a female "friend" from back in his childhood. I say "friend" because they are no longer really close and she is a bit of a trouble maker so I kind of distanced us from her and her husband. She's a little crazy. When FI and I first got together I didn't really know his other friends and we used to go to their house a lot and she is just crazy. She would scream at her husband in front of us, boss him around, etc. It was just really weird. FI also has 2 sisters who are good friends with her. A few times we were at her house she would start talking nasty about FI's sisters. She also tried to convince me that another friend of FI's sisters had a crush on my FI and that when I wasn't around she was hitting on him, etc. This is completely untrue me and this other girl are now very good friends and I love her, so basically crazy pants tried to make me hate her for no reason. She would also call/text my FI all the time and was just inappropriate like overly touchy/feely towards him and it started to really get on my nerves. A few times we went out to the bars/dancing together and she would like hit on guys and do things that def crossed a line and I just couldn't trust her really after witnessing her lack of morals especially towards her own marriage. I eventually expressed me dislike for her to FI and said I didn't feel comfortable being over there with her talking crap about his sister's behind their backs because I obviously didn't want her to run and say I was gossiping about them with her because I wasn't. Her life is kind of a hot mess (pregnant at 16, three kids, house in and out of foreclosure etc). So overtime we just stopped hanging out so much with them. Well this progressed into her endlessly FB stalking me and saying nasty things about me behind my back. Whatever, I just ignored her for the most part. Now almost 2 years ago now FI and I bought a condo and her and her husband "separated" for awhile and of course the only apartment she could find to rent was in our complex. GO FIGURE. She has since moved back out but it was just super weird.

 

Anyways fast forward to recently, we were at FI's parents house for a party and she was there. We barely speak anymore because I just really do not care for her and she asked to speak to me outside. So I agreed and she basically apologized for all the drama she ever started and wanted me to know how happy she was for me and FI and that she respected me as his future wife. Blah blah blah. I said oh okay great! In my head I'm thinking whatever we haven't talked in over 2 years but OK good to know crazy pants. So point of all this story is we just sent our save the dates. FI and I discussed her and her husband at length and decided not to invite them. She has caused too many problems and there is just too much history I don't want someone who tried to drive a wedge of jealously between me and the other girl and obviously start a fight over it between me and my FI there. She clearly has some sort of issue. So that was that FI agreed and all was fine. Well FI's sister was over her house the other night and apparently she is DEVASTATED and was crying that she didn't get an STD and that she couldn't believe after all the years her and FI were friends she wasn't invited to see him get married to someone else. (Odd choice of words if you ask me!!) So when FI's sister told us this FI felt bad and suggested maybe inviting her.

 

What would you all do? She is honestly the absolute last person I would ever want to see at my wedding. I know the past is the past but there is just some things as a woman you never really forget. If it weren't for FI's sisters/family knowing her and being close to her in a way then I wouldn't think twice but I know if she's not invited they will probably never hear the end of it. FI says he doesn't care either way but I do respect that at one point albeit we are several years out of high school now they were good friends. I am conflicted. WWYD?

Re: Invite or No?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would not invite her.
    aurorajanette
  • Yeah I'm leaning towards not inviting her. For a bit there I thought maybe I was being a little dramatic by saying no absolutely not but the more I think about it the more I stand firm in my decision. The idea of having to walk over to her and thank her for coming to celebrate with us makes me want to bash my head into a wall.

    HaileyDancingbearAmyzen83aurorajanetteKeptInStitches
  • It's really up to FI.

    I certainly don't think FI should invite her just because she was so upset.  You can't cry your way onto a guest list.  But at the same time, I wouldn't want to make that decision, and since it's really his friend, not yours, I'd say let him decide.  

    If he decides to invite her, I'm sure she won't bother you on the wedding day.  

    SaveSave
    OliveOilsMom
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I wouldn't invite her.  
    image
  • Okay I will try and make this a short as possible. Very, very long story made short FI has a female "friend" from back in his childhood. I say "friend" because they are no longer really close and she is a bit of a trouble maker so I kind of distanced us from her and her husband. She's a little crazy. When FI and I first got together I didn't really know his other friends and we used to go to their house a lot and she is just crazy. She would scream at her husband in front of us, boss him around, etc. It was just really weird. FI also has 2 sisters who are good friends with her. A few times we were at her house she would start talking nasty about FI's sisters. She also tried to convince me that another friend of FI's sisters had a crush on my FI and that when I wasn't around she was hitting on him, etc. This is completely untrue me and this other girl are now very good friends and I love her, so basically crazy pants tried to make me hate her for no reason. She would also call/text my FI all the time and was just inappropriate like overly touchy/feely towards him and it started to really get on my nerves. A few times we went out to the bars/dancing together and she would like hit on guys and do things that def crossed a line and I just couldn't trust her really after witnessing her lack of morals especially towards her own marriage. I eventually expressed me dislike for her to FI and said I didn't feel comfortable being over there with her talking crap about his sister's behind their backs because I obviously didn't want her to run and say I was gossiping about them with her because I wasn't. Her life is kind of a hot mess (pregnant at 16, three kids, house in and out of foreclosure etc). So overtime we just stopped hanging out so much with them. Well this progressed into her endlessly FB stalking me and saying nasty things about me behind my back. Whatever, I just ignored her for the most part. Now almost 2 years ago now FI and I bought a condo and her and her husband "separated" for awhile and of course the only apartment she could find to rent was in our complex. GO FIGURE. She has since moved back out but it was just super weird.

     

    Anyways fast forward to recently, we were at FI's parents house for a party and she was there. We barely speak anymore because I just really do not care for her and she asked to speak to me outside. So I agreed and she basically apologized for all the drama she ever started and wanted me to know how happy she was for me and FI and that she respected me as his future wife. Blah blah blah. I said oh okay great! In my head I'm thinking whatever we haven't talked in over 2 years but OK good to know crazy pants. So point of all this story is we just sent our save the dates. FI and I discussed her and her husband at length and decided not to invite them. She has caused too many problems and there is just too much history I don't want someone who tried to drive a wedge of jealously between me and the other girl and obviously start a fight over it between me and my FI there. She clearly has some sort of issue. So that was that FI agreed and all was fine. Well FI's sister was over her house the other night and apparently she is DEVASTATED and was crying that she didn't get an STD and that she couldn't believe after all the years her and FI were friends she wasn't invited to see him get married to someone else. (Odd choice of words if you ask me!!) So when FI's sister told us this FI felt bad and suggested maybe inviting her.

     

    What would you all do? She is honestly the absolute last person I would ever want to see at my wedding. I know the past is the past but there is just some things as a woman you never really forget. If it weren't for FI's sisters/family knowing her and being close to her in a way then I wouldn't think twice but I know if she's not invited they will probably never hear the end of it. FI says he doesn't care either way but I do respect that at one point albeit we are several years out of high school now they were good friends. I am conflicted. WWYD?

    Then don't. Simple as that. My H and I did not invite anyone to our wedding who we barely knew or no longer likes. I had a particular aquaintence amongst my circle of friends who seemed to always pick fights and bicker with me for no reason. We lost touch over the years, and in deciding to not invite her, we shocked a few friends of ours who she is still close with.

    In the end, everyone understands you need to do what's right for you. If you can't stand this person, then I can't imagine you want them to witness possibly the most important and emotional day of your life, and then share a celebratory meal with you and your loved ones.

  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    Skip Miss Crazy Pants. Good for her for apologizing, but what if something happens again? You don't need that :)

    P.S. And it really sounds like she was trying to patch things up because she wanted an invite, I had a former friend try to do the same thing the week after we became engaged. I didn't bite.

    Edited: afterthoughts. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    HaileyDancingbearAshleyNicole1218
  • I feel that you should only invite the people you really want to celebrate with and it doesn't sound like she's one of those people. So I wouldn't invite her.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2013
    I wouldn't invite her.  You and your FI decided not to invite her, and I think that was a wise decision.  The fact that she's self-centered and dramatic enough to be throwing a fit over not getting a save the date from a couple she hasn't interacted with for 2 years save ONE conversation, is proof enough to me that she'll be just as needy and annoying at the wedding.  
    As for them being friends once, things change.  If your FI is ok with her not coming, then clearly her once being his friend is a non-issue.
    I just feel that if she's the last person you want at your wedding, and your FI is okay with that, then you don't have to invite her.  If she gets upset, oh well.  You can't make everyone happy, so don't get pushed around trying to.
    ETA 
    Just noticed the "Marry someone else" line, looks like someone let something huge slip in her little hissy fit.  That turns my "no don't invite her" to a HELL NO.  You have no obligation whatsoever to invite some nutcase who is still after your FI (Wouldn't use the phrasing someone else still if there weren't any feelings) to your wedding.  Even if she didn't throw a fit or make a scene, she'd spend the entire time looking for excuses to bitch about you and how "Unworthy" you are of your FI later.  
    image
  • That would be a hell to the no! Considering the fact she has a history of causing drama in inappropriate situations what's to say your wedding will be any different? My fi and I decided that we aren't inviting anybody out of political reasons and especially if they are going to act like spoiled brats if they find out they aren't invited.
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Don't invite her.  But, if it comes up, just let her know that you needed to keep within a certain number of guests.  To do so, you could only invite family or people that you are currently close to.  Maybe she was a cherished (or not so much) friend in that past, but since you have kind of gone separate ways, you felt it was more important to include family members than someone you are no longer close with.

    image 

    Amyzen83
  • WeeshWeesh NY member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Rebl90 said:
    Skip Miss Crazy Pants. Good for her for apologizing, but what if something happens again? You don't need that :)

    P.S. And it really sounds like she was trying to patch things up because she wanted an invite, I had a former friend try to do the same thing the week after we became engaged. I didn't bite.

    Edited: afterthoughts. 
    I was thinking the same thing.  She apologized only after you got engaged, and then cried over not getting a Save the Date because of one conversation?  I'd pass.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Amyzen83
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was thinking it was all just excessive drama, until you got to the crying fit and the 'marry someone else' phrase. Yeah, that would be a no. I would not trust her to behave appropriately.
    HaileyDancingbearaurorajanette
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited December 2013
    Damn double post
  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited December 2013
    Yea wtf is this "marry someone else" business? It sounds like this woman may have been secretly after your man but was trying to pin it on someone else or in an awkwardly way was trying to be sneaky about it. Although it was nice of her to apologize which she needed to do anyway, that doesn't get her a ticket into your wedding. After causing drama like that, she needs to realize that although you both forgive her, she caused unrepairable damage that has caused a large enough rift in your relationship with her that it cannot be repaired before your wedding. In fact I would word it to her in those words. Actions have consequences. If anyone else in your circles have issues with her not being invited, then they are being rude. It's not their wedding, and you have the right to have whoever you want. If you feel you must explain yourselves, simply tell them, "We aren't really that close anymore, but you wish her well. OMG! This bean dip is delcious! I'm going to go get the recipe!" If this happens at the wedding, replace the last sentence and OMG with, "Are you enjoying yourselves? You should go try the bean dip, it's to die for!"
    HaileyDancingbearaurorajanette
  • Thanks ladies! I am def not inviting her. I thought maybe I was being bitchy but now I feel much better about our decision.
    Amyzen83
  • Not even remotely! You definitely need to keep your guard up around this chick, even though she apologized, that doesn't automatically mean she deserves your trust or friendship. One thing I learned is that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing.
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