Hi ladies! I hope you are all having a merry Christmas Eve
Ok, so I'm gonna sort of bring down the mood (sorry). My boyfriend, J's, mother has been in the hospital for the past four months fighting heart failure. Yesterday, we found out that she has no chance of living without a heart transplant, and even then, there is only a 5% chance that her body won't reject the new heart if she gets one in time. J's father left when he was a kid and his grandfather died of heart failure two years ago, so his mother is all that he has left. The reason we haven't gotten engaged yet is because J wants to keep saving money for the perfect engagement.
J and I really want his mother to be at our wedding, which we were planning for the summer, but I don't know if she will make it that long. Since we aren't officially engaged yet, it makes it hard to try and "move dates" since there is nothing set in stone. I want J to propose so that we can actually plan on getting married while his mother is still alive, but every time I mention it, he says that he doesn't want to get a cheap ring, which is all he can afford. I keep telling him that the money is not important but he is still putting it off to keep saving money.
I want his family to witness our forever and for his mother to see her only son walk down the isle, but he is thinking more about me and giving me the best. So, my question is, should I just drop the urgency and allow him to hold off on getting engaged until he can buy the "perfect" ring, or is there a way that I can let him know that his mother is more important than the fancy engagement/ wedding traditions and try to get things moving so his mother can take part in the biggest day of his life? Honestly, he could ask me with no ring and I would say yes because I just want to officially start planning for the rest of my life with him.
Also, have any of you ladies ever been through something like this with your SO and how did you help him through it? It breaks my heart to see him loosing someone who means so much to him.
Re: My BF's mother is dying but we aren't even engaged yet! Help… (NEY)
I'll also echo her advice to stop planning your wedding since you aren't engaged.
With BF's mom's failing health, a wedding of any kind may just be too much for her. I'm not sure to what degree you would expect her to "take part," but she just may not be able to. I know that when my mom didn't have much time left (she passed away several years ago from cancer) - her priority was just spending private time together with her kids, sisters, and friends. So this is really up to your BF and his family. I know you mean well by wanting her to be there, but that may just not be the right thing for them. Please don't push it if he tells you he doesn't want to. Whatever the reason he tells you, you need to respect his wishes.
I will add a little - if he wants the perfect ring for you, have you offered to help pay for the ring?
It sounds like you really just need to let him decide what is best and just let him know you're there for him if he needs to talk.
Part of being the girlfriend/fiancée/wife is being supportive when the boy needs it. Do that.
But I agree that the best way to handle it is just talk with BF and see if it's something he even wants to think about at this point. Respecting HIS needs right now is absolutely the most important thing. I really like what Amapola had to say.
Without reading previous posts, here is my 2 cents. I think that all you need to do is tell him that it's equally important to you that she is there as it probably is for him. Just to let him know that a ring/expensive wedding doesn't matter.
My cousin did this so that our grandpa could be at his wedding, He had a sweet little wedding with parents and grandparents and bestman/MOH. The rest of the family and friends didn't even KNOW about the wedding until after it happened. All so that our beloved grandpa could be there. He had about a month left. Even though I wasn't there, I am personally happy they gave grandpa that gift.
Let your BF know that a ring and fancy shmancy wedding doesn't matter at much as the presence of his mother. Then, leave the ball in his court. He knows how you feel and that's a gift in itself!
When I met my fiance, we knew within a few months of dating we were getting married. Also when we met, my mom was in the middle of her lengthy fight with stage four breast cancer. I made numerous comments to him, we even had arguments because of how strongly I felt about it, that I would never get married if my mom couldn't be there. I absolutely could not imagine my mother not being at our wedding, she was my best friend and if no one else in the world made it to the wedding, that would've been okay as long as she was there. I, like your boyfriend, have little to no family, so she was everything to me.
With that being said, my fiance would always tell me when the conversation was brought up that he would propose as soon as he could and when he could do it the right way, which never satisfied me.
My mother passed away March of 2012 and I would have never made it through the most difficult time in my life without my fiance. Less than a year later in February of 2013, my fiance surprised me with a weekend trip to the beach. Our first night there we were sitting on the shore by a fire he had built us when he began to tell me just how much I meant to him and ended by saying".. the last time we went to see your mom, she asked me to promise her to always take care of you for the rest your life and I intend on keeping that promise.." and got down on one knee as he proposed.
Even though my mom never saw my ring and won't be at our wedding, she wouldn't have wanted anything less for me. Just as I'm sure your boyfriend's mom wants the best for him. Don't rush things, there are always ways to honor loved ones who have gone before us on such important days.