Guest List Etiquette- Is this battle worth fighting...

lennonkdc · December 2013

BG: I'm going to be honest, when FI and I got engaged I wanted to have a small event (like under 50 people), but with 2 huge families that we are close to, its not really possible. As it stands, our 'must have b/c we share DNA with them" list (family/spouses/kids/and adults+1's) is about 150, if we add in the people we don't share DNA with but who are a must invite that number jumps to closer to 200... I have tried every conceivable (and E approved) way I can think of to cut this list down, but unless FI and I steal away in the night and elope, it looks like 200 is the number. We're on a pretty tight budget as it is, and I we just can not add more people. We are paying for the wedding ourselves, and while his parents have offered to pay for the bar, we've opted to go for beer and wine only to keep costs down. Before we looked at venues we set a guest list (and padded the numbers to give all adults a guest) planned a budget based on 100% of that padded number accepting and found a venue that fit that number.

So you can imagine my surprise over Christmas when my FI's Aunt assumed that her 16 yr old son's GF would be invited to our wedding. We have give all ADULTS a date, and I'm sorry but I don't think its appropriate for a teenager who still lives at home to bring a date to a family wedding. I bean dipped her, but my FIL's seem to think that we should invite this girl. If we do cave, then in fairness do I have to invite MY 16 yr old cousins' BF? Wouldn't it be unfair not to? And then do we have to be fair and give every stinking kid a +1? We have a line, in HS=no dates. Its clear and fair. But is the fight worth it?

Also, My FI's adult cousin just started seeing a new woman four months ago, which is fine, we accounted for him to have a +1 when we were planning, but she has 2 kids from a prior relationship and we are expected to invite them too (since they are his "new family"). I know its just 2 more, but 1) the youngest kid is the devil and 2) we are maxed out on space and money.

So, do we HAVE to invite the HS kids SO's? My family would side eye the shit out of it and it sounds like FI's will be pissed if we don't...and what about the 2 kids? I'm not even inviting my own cousin's kids (she told me she would rather get a sitter and have a night off so please don't worry about inviting them...) The only other kids invited are from OOT and share DNA with us...

So WWED? How did you decide what battle was worth fighting...

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

DP

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

It would be worth it to me. The 16 year old does not need a date. He will attend with his parents, or he can choose not to attend at all. He isn't an adult. The cousin's girlfriend needs to be invited, but you are totally in the clear not inviting the kids. Stand firm on this. She can choose to get a sitter or not attend. No issue there.

NYCMercedes · December 2013

I would not invite the child's friend to the wedding. I also would not invite a SO's children. I assume your in-laws are not paying. If they bring it up, just tell them that you do not have it in your budget for children to invite children.

NYCMercedes · December 2013

I would not invite the child's friend to the wedding. I also would not invite a SO's children. I assume your in-laws are not paying. If they bring it up, just tell them that you do not have it in your budget for children to invite their friends.

Lily9911 · December 2013

Children should not have dates to weddings. When you are 18 and older, you are an adult and can bring a date.

I'd fight for what you just can't afford and fit into your event. If people don't like it, then they can pitch in or shut up.

My mother was angry at me that I did not want to invite her cousin (due to cost and space) who I must have met when I was a baby, because I don't recall them (oh yea, i dont fucking know you!). So she actually scanned my invitation into the computer, printed it out and sent it to that cousin. My mother said she'd pay for her plate if she said yes, but boy was I annoyed that she did that.

That person RSVPd no thankfully.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

A 16 year old does not need a date for a wedding. That is just a ridiculous request on their part. Stand firm in your decision on this and the SO's kids.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

It would be worth it to me. You need to fight the battles early, or else people will keep adding guests.

All ADULTS in a relationship get their SO invited by name -- as in, people old enough to get their own invites. The 16-year-old doesn't get his own invite, which means he doesn't get to bring his GF.

And no, you don't have to invite these children, whether your aunt is considering them family or not, because you don't have to invite children. Adults and their SOs are social units. Adults and their children are not automatic social units.

Inkdancer · December 2013

I would very politely tell your FI's Aunt that you simply cannot accommodate any more people, that you're very sorry, but that the girl will not be invited. It is not your responsibility to invite her, as they are teenagers, and if he is part of any social unit it is with his parents.

phira · December 2013

I think it's time to stop bean dipping and be super straight with your fiance's aunt. "I'm very sorry, but we cannot invite [son]'s girlfriend. Our guest list is maxed out. Please stop asking us."

This is 100% a hill I'd die on. You've already done everything you can to pare down your guest list while practicing good etiquette. It's not like you're rolling in dough and you want a huge wedding, and you're not letting a guest bring a +1 out of spite or something. You're maxed out, and you're not obligated by etiquette to let a kid bring a date.

s-aries8990 · December 2013

I agree that it's a battle worth fighting.

The teen's GF does NOT need to be invited. If a person gets their own invitation, their SOs are to be invited, but if they are a minor, their GF/BF doesn't need to be invited. (It would be lovely if you COULD accommodate her, but you obviously CANNOT accommodate her).

A SO's children do NOT need to be invited. Nope!

lennonkdc · December 2013

Thanks everyone, I was reasonably sure I was on solid footing with the kids date, I was flabbergasted when my FFIL said I should invite her b/c they've been dating over a year and what if then end up married...Um, what? The kid is a Jr in HS his GF is a freshman in college, (which is just weird in and of itself) and I don't care if FI's Aunt is cool enough to let her spend the nights over there, a kid in HS isn't an adult and doesn't get a date.

I'm not inviting the GF's kids either, and I can say that is because we are maxed out on room...

@NYCMercedes- FIL's are not paying for the wedding, just the booze (like the actual purchase of the beer and wine, not the whole cost of having a bar) we are paying everything else and if its that big an issue we'll pay for the booze.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

I agree that you don't have to invite the kid's date. Guests 18+ get to bring their SO, and this kid is 16, so no.

But I take issue with this:

lennonkdc said:

Thanks everyone, I was reasonably sure I was on solid footing with the kids date, I was flabbergasted when my FFIL said I should invite her b/c they've been dating over a year and what if then end up married...Um, what? The kid is a Jr in HS his GF is a freshman in college, (which is just weird in and of itself) and I don't care if FI's Aunt is cool enough to let her spend the nights over there, a kid in HS isn't an adult and doesn't get a date.

As a Jr in HS, I was dating a freshman in college, and yes... we are getting married next year. That's a two-year age difference and is not weird at all.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

lennonkdc said:

Thanks everyone, I was reasonably sure I was on solid footing with the kids date, I was flabbergasted when my FFIL said I should invite her b/c they've been dating over a year and what if then end up married...Um, what? The kid is a Jr in HS his GF is a freshman in college, (which is just weird in and of itself) and I don't care if FI's Aunt is cool enough to let her spend the nights over there, a kid in HS isn't an adult and doesn't get a date.

OMG... she lets the girlfriend spend night there? That bothers me more than the two year age difference.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

H and I started dating at 15. I wasn't invited to any family weddings until we were out of high school. No way. Don't feel bad about it.

banana468 · December 2013

I think it's up to you if you want to honor the relationship. DH and I are friends with two couples who have been married for about ten years each and they were together since high school. While it's not common to marry your HS sweetheart, it's not completely unlikely.

However I wouldn't feel compelled to do anything based on the insistence of a guest and I would not feel obligated to invite the children of a relative's SO.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Yeah, I also am weirded out that the mom lets the 16 year old have his GF stay overnight. That part of it is not cool.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

misssunshine17 said:

H and I started dating at 15. I wasn't invited to any family weddings until we were out of high school. No way. Don't feel bad about it.

And I wouldn't have expected to be invited to Fi's family weddings until he was out of high school, either. But I was left out of a wedding that occurred when he was in college (I think his sophomore year) and Fi and I were both really hurt by that. But if the invited guest is 16? No need to invite the SO.

blabla89 · December 2013

If I were in that situation I'd be totally spiteful and not invite the 16 year old son at all (you are not required to invite children of any age) - but I'm assuming you're more patient than I am. Like PP's said, you can politely tell her that your guest list is maxed out.

ETA:
I was brought along to a few weddings with my high school BF's family, and I could tell they didn't really want me there but he had begged. In retrospect, they should have just told him I couldn't come.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

Why on earth do these people want their 16 year old's SO coming to the wedding? I mean, they're 16, how often does a friggin high schooler date someone that they actually keep around for more than a few months? Granted, some people do marry their high school sweethearts, but that isn't exactly common, usually high school relationships just blow up and are forgotten quickly, and that's fine, they're young. I think it's a bit rude to expect you to spend however much it is a head on people who probably won't even be around for long at all.

I think you're fine just giving plus ones to adults. It's worth putting your foot down, it's your money and you don't have to burn it so that all the high schoolers can bring dates. If anyone tries to give you trouble about it just tell them you can't afford to invite so many extra people, because if you give one high schooler a plus one all the high schoolers are going to want a plus one, or else they're going to think you're playing favorites. Those kids get prom anyways, they have a fancy place to take their SOs.

KittyKaty20 · December 2013

My FI's nephew/groomsman, who will be 16 a few months after the wedding, asked at Christmas if his girlfriend could come to the wedding. FI and I had already talked about this-if they're still dating when invites go out next year, then she'll be invited (she's been at quite a few family events already, and is lovely). Obviously, you can't tell a teenager that he may not be dating his girlfriend in 4 months...but my future nephew IMMEDIATELY got on his phone, and texted her an invite. Oh, I weep for the future of the human race!

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Story time!

When my sister was getting married a couple years ago, my uncle texted my mom and said his daughter (my 16 years old cousin) was bringing her boyfriend. Not even asking, telling!

My mom texted back: NO. Ha ha go Mom!

Oh and the 16 year old no showed (my uncle and his 2 other kids came). My mom was furious.

JCbride2015 · December 2013

KittyKaty20 said:

My FI's nephew/groomsman, who will be 16 a few months after the wedding, asked at Christmas if his girlfriend could come to the wedding. FI and I had already talked about this-if they're still dating when invites go out next year, then she'll be invited (she's been at quite a few family events already, and is lovely). Obviously, you can't tell a teenager that he may not be dating his girlfriend in 4 months...but my future nephew IMMEDIATELY got on his phone, and texted her an invite. Oh, I weep for the future of the human race!

I just had a thought-- don't members of the BP automatically get +1s? I also have an underage BM (she'll be 15 when we get married) and didn't think about that until now. It never would have occurred to me to give her a +1, but the other BMs will get one.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

JCBride2014 said:

KittyKaty20 said:

My FI's nephew/groomsman, who will be 16 a few months after the wedding, asked at Christmas if his girlfriend could come to the wedding. FI and I had already talked about this-if they're still dating when invites go out next year, then she'll be invited (she's been at quite a few family events already, and is lovely). Obviously, you can't tell a teenager that he may not be dating his girlfriend in 4 months...but my future nephew IMMEDIATELY got on his phone, and texted her an invite. Oh, I weep for the future of the human race!

I just had a thought-- don't members of the BP automatically get +1s? I also have an underage BM (she'll be 15 when we get married) and didn't think about that until now. It never would have occurred to me to give her a +1, but the other BMs will get one.

I don't think it's required by etiquette. Just a nice thing to do.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

I wouldn't think to give any minor child a +1, wedding party or no. I mean, your 5 year old flower girl wouldn't get to bring a date, so I don't think a 15 year old groomsman would either.

phira · December 2013

Not required by etiquette. And sorry to everyone who was with their significant others when they were 15 years old but ... I feel like if you're under 18, that's one of the times I say, yes, you CAN judge the seriousness of a relationship. Sorry.

Guest List Etiquette- Is this battle worth fighting...

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