Maid of Honor Stress, need advice

fourevercountrygirl · December 2013

Dear all,

I am in need advice in regards to my maid of honor. I have known her for many years and grew up with her, so when I got engaged I of course thought of no one else to my maid of honor. To get things started she fought me over her dress for three weeks! Then a few months ago she told me that she didn’t feel like my Maid of Honor and it was really upsetting her. I tried to calm her by saying that it’s fairly early into the wedding planning and the fact that she doesn’t live in the same state and it is going to be is going to present some obvious challenges but I would try to include her in on more things. Although, she has not reached out to ANY of my bridesmaids or my wedding planner to begin planning anything, bridal shower or bachelorette party, nothing.

Weeks after that, I had found a dress that I had fallen in love with online and made an appointment to go try it on the dress. The down side was that the only place that had it was three states away from me so it was going to be a crazy weekend trip, but on the upside I would be passing through the town in which my Maid of Honor lives, she said would go but at the last minute backed out saying she didn’t feel comfortable traveling to the other city. I was so disappointed and hurt. My fiancé and others in my family say that I should kindly explain to her that I really need a Maid of Honor that has my back and is going to be a sure thing and perhaps ask her to just be a bridesmaid, I feel like this would end the friendship but on the other hand I can’t be worrying about her and what she’s unhappy and not comfortable with on my wedding day. I really need some advice on what to do.

Regretting my Maid of Honor

kmmssg · December 2013

The first thing you need to do is lower your expectations. Her job is to buy the dress and show up on time. The crap you read about MOH duties was written 60+ years ago when women lived at home til they married and became SAHM's.

It isn't her job to reach out to anyone - not the other BM's not the wedding planner, nada. It also isn't required of her to plan a shower or bach party. Those things are optional and are gifts but they aren't required duties and she doesn't have to do them.

The person who should have your back is your FI. It is your wedding and his wedding. It is up to the two of you to plan it. I have no idea why your family thinks it is your friends job to have your bridal back.

You are absolutely correct that asking her to be a BM will be a friendship ending move. ALL she has to do is buy the dress and show up. Remember - asking people to be in your wedding is about honoring THEM in your life, not about what they can do for your wedding. If they choose to help with things that is great! But if they do not volunteer they aren't doing anything wrong. If you need help with things you should be looking to your FI.

MyNameIsNot · December 2013

fourevercountrygirl said:

Dear all,

I am in need advice in regards to my maid of honor. I have known her for many years and grew up with her, so when I got engaged I of course thought of no one else to my maid of honor. To get things started she fought me over her dress for three weeks! Then a few months ago she told me that she didn’t feel like my Maid of Honor and it was really upsetting her. I tried to calm her by saying that it’s fairly early into the wedding planning and the fact that she doesn’t live in the same state and it is going to be is going to present some obvious challenges but I would try to include her in on more things. Although, she has not reached out to ANY of my bridesmaids or my wedding planner to begin planning anything, bridal shower or bachelorette party, nothing.

Weeks after that, I had found a dress that I had fallen in love with online and made an appointment to go try it on the dress. The down side was that the only place that had it was three states away from me so it was going to be a crazy weekend trip, but on the upside I would be passing through the town in which my Maid of Honor lives, she said would go but at the last minute backed out saying she didn’t feel comfortable traveling to the other city. I was so disappointed and hurt. My fiancé and others in my family say that I should kindly explain to her that I really need a Maid of Honor that has my back and is going to be a sure thing and perhaps ask her to just be a bridesmaid, I feel like this would end the friendship but on the other hand I can’t be worrying about her and what she’s unhappy and not comfortable with on my wedding day. I really need some advice on what to do.

Regretting my Maid of Honor

It's not her job or duty to plan parties for you or to get your other BMs to plan them. Why on earth would she reach out to your wedding planner? That's full on crazy pants behavior. I'd worry about her if she did.

You need to understand that her job is not to "have your back" and be involved in planning your wedding. That's your FI's job. Her job is to show up in a dress you both agree on, smiling for pictures. She, and anyone, can throw parties if they want, but they're no one's responsibility.

When she says things like she doesn't feel like your MOH, ask her what that means. Since she's far away, I suspect she's disappointed that she doesn't see you often and doesn't talk to you as much, but you'll have to get her to explain.

You're right, kicking her out of the wedding or "demoting" her to BM would end your friendship. If you don't care about the friendship anymore, end the friendship. If you want to keep her as a friend, she's your MOH.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

You are way our of line. You sound like a selfish, entitled brat.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

I don't get what she wants in the way of not 'feeling like' your MOH. What is there to feel other than you asked if you could honor her at your wedding? Right now all she has to do is get the dress and have it ready to go day of. If she wants to throw you a party, she can, but that won't happen until much closer to the wedding. And she doesn't have to involve the other BMs if she doesn't want to, she can do it all herself. Day of, there isn't really anything to do other than show up sober and in the dress, grab some flowers, walk down the aisle, stand next to you, maybe adjust your train or hold your bouquet, walk back up the aisle, smile for the camera, and enjoy the reception. MOH is an honor position, not a working one. People will know who she is at the wedding. What does she want you to do to make her feel like it? Oh, and if you need help planning your wedding, you have a FI. You know, the other person who the wedding is all about. He should be helping, not your MOH.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

DP

jneen101 · December 2013

fourevercountrygirl said:

To get things started she fought me over her dress for three weeks!

I'd like to know more about this. Why does she hate the dress? Why are you forcing her to wear a dress she hates?

clarke10 · December 2013

I don't understand what the issue is here. She isn't required to do anything but show up with her dress on. She isn't obligated to reach out to BMs or the planner or plan parties. She DEFINITELY isn't obligated to travel to another city to see you, which she obviously isn't comfortable doing. That's not even really wedding related.

jenniferbenrafa · December 2013

Ok, so, my advice is to sit down and talk to her. I guess I'm reading your post differently than others, since I don't think you are an evil person. What I'm understanding is that she is complaining that she doesn't feel like your MOH, but what you think might be MOH responsibilities, she hasn't done any. So, I think you should straight up ask her how she wants to be involved. I completely understand why you would be disappointed that she wouldn't come dress shopping with you, I mean, that is a big thing you want your MOH to be with you. So, sounds like a lack of communication here and I'm sure the distance has added to that! I was an MOH for my childhood best friend when I lived on the other side of the country. Most of the time I didn't feel very involved and I wish I could have been much more involved. It was tough because I was only 21 and a broke college student, so I couldn't travel to be with her all the time. Looking back though, I wish we would have had a chat about what I could do. She just assumed I couldn't do anything since I was so far away, so, I missed out on a bunch, except the wedding week when I was there to help all week. I think we all have ideas of what a MOH should or shouldn't do for wedding planning and even the day of, since traditions have changed so much over the years. So, it's a good time to clarify that with her. Good luck! I hope everything works out for you!

butterflybre21 · December 2013

I understand that everyone has different opinions about what the MOH is supposed to do but people don't need to be rude about it. My 15 year old sister (my MOH) is planning my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and helping with wedding planning. She is in CA and I'm in OK. I'm not an evil or selfish person for having her do these things. People judge WAY too much. Why can't people use these forums to support each other?

Viczaesar · December 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I understand that everyone has different opinions about what the MOH is supposed to do but people don't need to be rude about it. My 15 year old sister (my MOH) is planning my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and helping with wedding planning. She is in CA and I'm in OK. I'm not an evil or selfish person for having her do these things. People judge WAY too much. Why can't people use these forums to support each other?

You would be a selfish person if you insisted that she do those things. If she's doing them of her own accord then you're fine. But it's not her job to do them. The point of a MOH or a bridesmaid is for you (general bride you) to honor your closest friends, not for them to do things for you and your wedding. It's an honorary roll, not one with "responsibilities."

AddieCake · December 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I understand that everyone has different opinions about what the MOH is supposed to do but people don't need to be rude about it. My 15 year old sister (my MOH) is planning my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and helping with wedding planning. She is in CA and I'm in OK. I'm not an evil or selfish person for having her do these things. People judge WAY too much. Why can't people use these forums to support each other?

Nobody is being rude in this thread. Good grief.

manateehugger · December 2013

butterflybre21 said:

I understand that everyone has different opinions about what the MOH is supposed to do but people don't need to be rude about it. My 15 year old sister (my MOH) is planning my bridal shower, bachelorette party, and helping with wedding planning. She is in CA and I'm in OK. I'm not an evil or selfish person for having her do these things. People judge WAY too much. Why can't people use these forums to support each other?

Yes, because there is no difference whatsoever between taking a bridesmaid up on a kind offer of hosting parties for you and threatening to kick your best friend out of your wedding because she is unable or unwilling to fork over hundreds of dollars and hours to throw a party for you.

My support goes to the brides trying to plan lovely weddings without making outrageous demands of their family and friends.

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