Help! Budget talk with FH's Father

Re: Help! Budget talk with FH's Father

• bethsmiles member

  

  December 2013

  Don't ask him to contribute. Invite who you can afford to invite. If he wants his part of the family there and offers up the extra funds himself then you can discuss budget with him but otherwise just keep planning to invite who you can afford.
  

  
  

  
  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  December 2013

  There is no appropriate way to ask or "hint" for him to chip in.  Don't do it.

  
  

  Just tell him that unfortunately, your budget can accommodate him but not his family.  That's all.  If he offers to pay, great, but if not there's nothing you can do.

  
  

  I have about 10 family members in the world.  Fi has easily 75+.  Neither family is chipping in.  We would never ask his family to pay because there are more of them.  We chose to invite most of these people, but some we can't because of budget.  It's the way life is.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  December 2013

  topchefnotramen said:

  
  

  So my FH and his dad have a VERY tumultuous relationship. So much so, that they have not spoken really for the past two years. Planning a wedding made my FH realize that he'd like to have his father in his life again and he reached out to him and they have started to speak and work everything out over the past couple months. In case it matters, the reason for the tension between the two are because of actions of his father, not my FH's. 

  
  

  The problem is, we can't afford to invite his fathers family. His mother is italian and has 70 immediate family members, and she has remarried and her husbands family adds a good amount of additional people as well. We have already decided not to invite a lot of our friends due to our budget. We have already booked our venue, so that cost is decided. We will be able to trim from other areas like flowers, DJ, photography, ect to make room in the budget to invite his father and his step-mother. 

  
  

  I was wondering if there is any proper way to ask his father to chip in so we could cover the cost to invite the rest of his family. My father, and my FH's mother are helping us to pay for the wedding. FMIL has some SERIOUS issues with her former husband and is insisting that we ask him to chip in, because she isn't willing to help pay for anything to do with him. I just don't know how to go about this. I know he can afford to help pay, but it is an extremely uncomfortable conversation. We aren't trying to be "gift grabby" we just planned our budget out assuming we'd have 130 guests, and now have an additional 30 guests to account for.  Is there absolutely ANY way to follow proper etiquette for this conversation? I feel like having the conversation at all goes against proper etiquette but my FMIL is being very insistent. 

  
  

  Thank you ladies!

  1. No. There is never a proper way to ask people to pay for your wedding.

  
  

  2. Too.Damn.Bad. Your FMIL doesn't get to spend someone else's money. She can spend her own, but not her ex-husband's. And whether she likes it or not, those people are related not only to her ex-husband, but also to her son, so she should be prepared to be gracious.

  
  

  3. IF your FFIL ASKS about inviting people, you are free to say, "We're sorry, our budget only allows us to invite X number of people." That may (or may not) prompt him to say, "Oh, I'll be happy to pay for them," at which point you can choose (or not) to allow him to pay you for the extra guests he wants to invite.

  
  

  Also, depending on how you're splitting the costs of the wedding among you/FI, your parents, his mother/step-father, for his mother's side of the family to get more than half the guest list (you said 130 guests, and 70 of them are her family) is freaking insane. I'd consider taking a good hard look at that list and seeing who can be cut.

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• topchefnotramen member

  

  December 2013

  That's what I thought. Thank you ladies! If he asks, we'll just explain that the budget doesn't allow for everyone to be invited.

  
  

  Honestly, i'm not super upset about his family being over half of the guest list, because over the past 3 years i have been spending a lot of time with most of them and become fairly close. Also, there is at least 1 wedding every summer and it is always the same group to go so unfortunately we can't cut anyone without making some serious waves. Plus, like i said, my FMIL is helping to pay so she is helping to cover most of her family. She had 90 people on the original guest list she gave us, but we were able to talk her out of inviting all of her co-workers/friends. 

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• Viczaesar member

  

  December 2013

  topchefnotramen said:

  
  

  So my FH and his dad have a VERY tumultuous relationship. So much so, that they have not spoken really for the past two years. Planning a wedding made my FH realize that he'd like to have his father in his life again and he reached out to him and they have started to speak and work everything out over the past couple months. In case it matters, the reason for the tension between the two are because of actions of his father, not my FH's. 

  
  

  The problem is, we can't afford to invite his fathers family. His mother is italian and has 70 immediate family members, and she has remarried and her husbands family adds a good amount of additional people as well. We have already decided not to invite a lot of our friends due to our budget. We have already booked our venue, so that cost is decided. We will be able to trim from other areas like flowers, DJ, photography, ect to make room in the budget to invite his father and his step-mother. 

  
  

  I was wondering if there is any proper way to ask his father to chip in so we could cover the cost to invite the rest of his family. My father, and my FH's mother are helping us to pay for the wedding. FMIL has some SERIOUS issues with her former husband and is insisting that we ask him to chip in, because she isn't willing to help pay for anything to do with him. I just don't know how to go about this. I know he can afford to help pay, but it is an extremely uncomfortable conversation. We aren't trying to be "gift grabby" we just planned our budget out assuming we'd have 130 guests, and now have an additional 30 guests to account for.  Is there absolutely ANY way to follow proper etiquette for this conversation? I feel like having the conversation at all goes against proper etiquette but my FMIL is being very insistent. 

  
  

  Thank you ladies!

  PPs are correct, there is no way to ask for money for your wedding. 
  

  
  
  
  

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• marshmallow1982 member

  

  December 2013

  Surely the members of you FILs family are also relatives of your FHs. So it would be for your fiance to decide on whether he was close to his cousins/uncles/aunts and whether he wanted them to be there.

  You say FMIL doesn't want to pay if these people are invited but these are relatives of her son!

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• clarke10 member

  

  December 2013

  You definitely can't ask him for money. Invite who you can afford. Does your FH want these people there?

  

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• PixeKat86 member

  

  December 2013

  Not sure what you FH's relationships are like with his family, but I would think his relatives on his father's side would be invited over his step-father's family members.

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• BlueBirdMB member

  

  December 2013

  I agree with PPs advice as how to handle your FI's dad.  But as far as whether you want to invite your dad's family- that's totally up to you.  I'd like remind PPs that we have no idea the true family dynamics here.  There were only 3 people from my father's side at our wedding and about 30 from my mother's side.  I have no relationship with my father's family, so we didn't invite them.  

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• topchefnotramen member

  

  December 2013

  My FI isn't sure about how many of his fathers family members he would like to attend just yet. It's more of a situation of not wanting to offend his Dad by not inviting them since they are trying to work things out. Now we know to see if he brings it up, and then explain that it wasn't in our budget. He is not particularly close to anyone in his fathers family. When he had a falling out with his father, his dad told the rest of the family they weren't allowed to speak to him (Nominee for father of the year, right?). But i get the impression he wasn't close with any of his aunts/uncles in the first place. 

  
  

  Both of the people mainly contributing (my dad and his mom) are VERY "I'm paying for my family and that's it", so it is something we will have to continue to work on. Even though they are relatives of her son, my future FMIL doesn't want to cover anyone from his fathers side. She thinks that his dad makes enough money to cover himself and his family.... She has told me before that she doesn't care about proper etiquette 
  

  
  

  His step-father is MUCH more involved in his life, and is helping with our wedding as well. His family will be invited. 

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• melbelleup member

  

  December 2013

  .... it sounds messed up. Okay, yes your FMIL will pay for her family, your dad will pay for yours.. but if you all are paying, you guys should be willing to invite FFIL. Which you are. Anyways, since your FI isn't close with his dad's side, I'd just let it go. If dad asks, just say unfortunately you can't budget for any more guests. If he offers, accept. He might not even ask you guys.
  

  

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• topchefnotramen member

  

  December 2013

  Agreed! My fiancé and I will be paying for part of our wedding as well, so part of what we are paying for will be for his dad as well. Who knows if he will even ask. We'll see. It is pretty messed up. But whose family isn't a little dysfunctional? 

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