Help! Children at wedding?

M_M_midgetz · December 2013

Help ladies! I need some advice on etiquette regarding children.

My husband and I were recently invited to a wedding and reception and my husband asked to be a groomsman in the wedding party, yay! The groom is his best friend and he is psyched to be at the wedding. We have known the groom for years and are happy for him and his fiancee.

The bride and groom have said that the only children allowed will be the bride's cousins who will be a flowergirl and ringbearer. That is all good and fine as we understand they don't want children. However, turns out that the groom's two nephews - ages 2 years and 3 months (their father is also in the wedding party) will also be at the wedding. We then asked what the other guests were doing with their children. It turns out that this "no children" rule affects only us. None of the bride's and groom's guests have children. They can't have more children at the wedding reception even if they wanted them!

So, my husband asked the groom if we could bring our 6 year old to the wedding, as the grooms nephews are invited and are not part of the wedding party. The wedding ceremony starts at 11:00am, with the reception to start around 5:00pm until 1:00am. The bride and groom suggested that we stay the night at the hotel as we live about 2 hours drive from the wedding location. The bride and groom were upset that we asked about our son and said that they won't pay for a meal for a child. We offered to pay the meal, as the costs of having him there would be cheaper than us getting a babysitter (about $15 per hour). Additionally, they want us to rent a room for the night at the hotel, as the more people rent rooms the better deal it is for the bride and groom's room. So not only do they want us to pay for the babysitter for the day, we also have overnight costs of the babysitter and the hotel. My husband and I don't make a lot of money, and the groom and bride already have us paying for an engagement gift, a wedding gift and a tux rental (about $600 total). If we tack on the babysitting costs and the hotel, we are looking at an additional ~$350. I asked if my husband could leave earlier so we didn't stay the night and the groom insists that he stay until the end of the night because he is in the wedding party.

We are quite upset and trying not to make a fuss of this, but we are upset that our son can't attend the wedding. This is causing quite a stir between my husband and his best friend. He doesn't want me to not attend the wedding as the groom and I are also quite close. At the moment, it seems we only have 2 options:

1) husband attends wedding alone so I can stay home to take care of the little one, which will result in resentment
2) we pay ridiculous amounts so both of us can attend the wedding, which will also result in resentment

Ideally, we would like it if the bride and groom would allow our son to attend the wedding as they already made an exception to the nephews who aren't in the wedding party, and no other possible children could attend because no one else have children.

Any advice or are we just being crazy?

artbyallie · December 2013

M_M_midgetz said:

Help ladies! I need some advice on etiquette regarding children.

My husband and I were recently invited to a wedding and reception and my husband asked to be a groomsman in the wedding party, yay! The groom is his best friend and he is psyched to be at the wedding. We have known the groom for years and are happy for him and his fiancee.

The bride and groom have said that the only children allowed will be the bride's cousins who will be a flowergirl and ringbearer. That is all good and fine as we understand they don't want children. However, turns out that the groom's two nephews - ages 2 years and 3 months (their father is also in the wedding party) will also be at the wedding. We then asked what the other guests were doing with their children. It turns out that this "no children" rule affects only us. None of the bride's and groom's guests have children. They can't have more children at the wedding reception even if they wanted them!

So, my husband asked the groom if we could bring our 6 year old to the wedding, as the grooms nephews are invited and are not part of the wedding party. The wedding ceremony starts at 11:00am, with the reception to start around 5:00pm until 1:00am. The bride and groom suggested that we stay the night at the hotel as we live about 2 hours drive from the wedding location. The bride and groom were upset that we asked about our son and said that they won't pay for a meal for a child. We offered to pay the meal, as the costs of having him there would be cheaper than us getting a babysitter (about $15 per hour). Additionally, they want us to rent a room for the night at the hotel, as the more people rent rooms the better deal it is for the bride and groom's room. So not only do they want us to pay for the babysitter for the day, we also have overnight costs of the babysitter and the hotel. My husband and I don't make a lot of money, and the groom and bride already have us paying for an engagement gift, a wedding gift and a tux rental (about $600 total). If we tack on the babysitting costs and the hotel, we are looking at an additional ~$350. I asked if my husband could leave earlier so we didn't stay the night and the groom insists that he stay until the end of the night because he is in the wedding party.

We are quite upset and trying not to make a fuss of this, but we are upset that our son can't attend the wedding. This is causing quite a stir between my husband and his best friend. He doesn't want me to not attend the wedding as the groom and I are also quite close. At the moment, it seems we only have 2 options:

1) husband attends wedding alone so I can stay home to take care of the little one, which will result in resentment
2) we pay ridiculous amounts so both of us can attend the wedding, which will also result in resentment

Ideally, we would like it if the bride and groom would allow our son to attend the wedding as they already made an exception to the nephews who aren't in the wedding party, and no other possible children could attend because no one else have children.

Any advice or are we just being crazy?

Well, you don't have to pay to stay at the hotel if you don't want to. The groomsmen's only duty ends when the ceremony does.

But, sorry, it's their choice to not invite your child and it was not quite appropriate for you to ask to bring him, nor to offer to pay for his meal. It makes perfect sense that only the children in the wedding and the groom's nephews are invited, regardless of whether anyone else even has children. 'Family' is an acceptable cutoff.

Now it's on you to decide if you arrange childcare and attend the wedding or stay home with your son. I don't understand why either solution ends in resentment. If you really feel that way and your H does as well, he can drop out of the wedding and explain that he can no longer afford to be in it. It sounds like that may actually be the best option, since these 'friends' that demand you spend lots of money on them don't sound all that nice.

Jen4948 · December 2013

As inconvenient as it is for you to not have your children invited, the couple were not obligated to invite them. It's up to them to decide who they want to attend, and if they don't want to invite your children or want to invite other people's children but not yours, that is their prerogative. Asking about the children of others and offering to pay for your children was inappropriate.

So assuming you're attending, no, you cannot bring your son, and yes, you will have to arrange for a babysitter to take care of him while you attend the wedding.

If your husband really can't afford to be in the wedding, then he should step down and explain that to the groom.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Ditto PP. They aren't obligated to invite your child and are 100% in the ok if they want to only invite certain children, especially if they are nieces/nephews. I can't believe you guys actually had the gall to ask if your child could be invited -- that is beyond presumptuous and I would be apologizing to the bride and groom about your selfishness ASAP.

I get this, but if OPs child is literally the ONLY other child that could be invited... isn't it a bit absurd since he is in the wedding party to not let one child slide since it wouldn't result in any more being invited. They shouldn't have asked, but I don't see why the couple would make such an issue of it, especially since they offered to cover the cost.

OP, do you think you will be able to get over their behavior enough to stay friends after the wedding? If so, send your husband and be done with it. If not, I would probably drop out of the wedding. This is the repercussion of people not inviting children and they have to understand people get upset about it.

STARMOON44 · December 2013

Wouldn't you need to get a hotel room even if your kid came? It's not unreasonable to expect the wedding party to be there the whole time and I doubt driving home at 1 am with a 6 year old was ever your plan. Can you leave him at a friend's house for a big sleepover and return the favor later that month for the other kid's parents? Bring your kid and hire a local babysitter? And stop spending such a ridiculous amount on gifts. Get them a nice engagement card and a wedding gift you can afford instead of being bitter about it.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

Just get over the fact that your son is not invited to the wedding. Whoever is paying for the wedding has a right to set the guest list however they want. Do I think its crazy they can't make the exception for just your son if he is literally the only other child, yes. But you were wrong to ask if you son could come.

So know you need to decide what is in everyone's best interest in how to resolve this. I do think you need to add your H dropping out of the WP to the list of choices. And don't spend more money than you can afford. Engagement gifts are not necessary and if the tux is too expensive, your H is well within his rights to say he can't afford that, his budget is X.

delujm0 · December 2013

Bottom line: if these people are going to resent you for not getting a hotel room and for sending your husband to their wedding alone because you need to stay home with your son who they did not invite, they aren't worth being friends with. If they really wanted you there, when you asked about bringing your son (which for the record, you really shouldn't have done) they would have agreed. In fact, if they really respected you, they wouldn't have demanded that you get a hotel room regardless of your son's status...so i'm not sure why you would care about ending this friendship. These people sound like pretty bad friends.

I'm not having kids at my wedding (with the exception of our one nephew), and i accept that my decision means that some people may be unable to come. I actually asked a couple of people who will have very young babies at the time if they would like to bring them because i understand how inconvenient a night out can be for a breastfeeding mother - but both declined and said they had already lined up child care and were excited for a night out. Declining an invitation to a wedding isn't an insult. it's life. Not everyone can come to everything. It's not a big deal.

M_M_midgetz · December 2013

We tried the option of dropping out of the WP, but the groom says that if my DH drops out of the WP then the numbers are uneven and he doesn't have anyone to replace him. The groom also made it clear that if my DH drops out of the WP then he doesn't want my DH at the wedding.

Yes, we will have to pay for the hotel costs, but the hotel costs are less than the babysitting fees. We would love to drop our son off at a friends, but everyone who can babysit will be at the wedding and we have no family around either.

I get that the bride and groom were upset we asked, but being the only guests who have a child and being affected by this "no children" rule is ridiculous as well. Our son is the groom's godchild, so although he isn't related by blood, he is pretty much family. I don't see it as being rude to ask about our son. The groom and DH have been friends since they were kids, and for my DH to not be able to ask a question about our son would be insulting to DH.

At this point we'll just wing it and see what happens. Maybe we just won't go to the wedding at all. Like a PP said, declining an invitation isn't an insult and it's not a big deal.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

I'm hung up on the ceremony at 11 a.m. and reception at 5 p.m. bit -- that's a HELL of a gap (at least five hours), which is RIDICULOUS.

I realize that two rudes don't make a right, but given the circumstances (this couple's kid being the only non-invited kid; them being asked to endure a day-long event that they can't get out of because the B/G are rude and have an enormous gap; them being asked to stay at a hotel to get the B/G a better rate), I don't think asking was out of line. WP gets special treatment.

OP, I'd send your DH to the wedding (sans you and the kid) and have him leave when the ceremony is over. That's when his official duties end anyway.

Jen4948 · December 2013

M_M_midgetz said:

We tried the option of dropping out of the WP, but the groom says that if my DH drops out of the WP then the numbers are uneven and he doesn't have anyone to replace him. The groom also made it clear that if my DH drops out of the WP then he doesn't want my DH at the wedding.

Yes, we will have to pay for the hotel costs, but the hotel costs are less than the babysitting fees. We would love to drop our son off at a friends, but everyone who can babysit will be at the wedding and we have no family around either.

I get that the bride and groom were upset we asked, but being the only guests who have a child and being affected by this "no children" rule is ridiculous as well. Our son is the groom's godchild, so although he isn't related by blood, he is pretty much family. I don't see it as being rude to ask about our son. The groom and DH have been friends since they were kids, and for my DH to not be able to ask a question about our son would be insulting to DH.

At this point we'll just wing it and see what happens. Maybe we just won't go to the wedding at all. Like a PP said, declining an invitation isn't an insult and it's not a big deal.

Wedding party members who drop out aren't supposed to be replaced. It's rude to the replacement-and yes, they usually do know or can find out, especially if they're asked close to the wedding, that they are being asked to replace another person in the wedding party.

Also, wedding parties do not have to have even sides, and even if they did, it is not your husband's fault or problem if the groom doesn't have as many groomsmen as the bride has bridesmaids. His telling your husband so, as well as telling him not to come if he isn't in the wedding party, was emotional blackmail. That was manipulative and rude of him.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I'm hung up on the ceremony at 11 a.m. and reception at 5 p.m. bit -- that's a HELL of a gap (at least five hours), which is RIDICULOUS.

I realize that two rudes don't make a right, but given the circumstances (this couple's kid being the only non-invited kid; them being asked to endure a day-long event that they can't get out of because the B/G are rude and have an enormous gap; them being asked to stay at a hotel to get the B/G a better rate), I don't think asking was out of line. WP gets special treatment.

OP, I'd send your DH to the wedding (sans you and the kid) and have him leave when the ceremony is over. That's when his official duties end anyway.

This.

misssunshine17 · December 2013

M_M_midgetz said:

We tried the option of dropping out of the WP, but the groom says that if my DH drops out of the WP then the numbers are uneven and he doesn't have anyone to replace him. The groom also made it clear that if my DH drops out of the WP then he doesn't want my DH at the wedding.

Yes, we will have to pay for the hotel costs, but the hotel costs are less than the babysitting fees. We would love to drop our son off at a friends, but everyone who can babysit will be at the wedding and we have no family around either.

I get that the bride and groom were upset we asked, but being the only guests who have a child and being affected by this "no children" rule is ridiculous as well. Our son is the groom's godchild, so although he isn't related by blood, he is pretty much family. I don't see it as being rude to ask about our son. The groom and DH have been friends since they were kids, and for my DH to not be able to ask a question about our son would be insulting to DH.

At this point we'll just wing it and see what happens. Maybe we just won't go to the wedding at all. Like a PP said, declining an invitation isn't an insult and it's not a big deal.

You lost me here. I think it's complete and utter bullshit that he not be invited, knowing the fact that the other kids are. I'm with Friday. I would send you H (if he wants to) and stay home and hang out with your little one.

OliveOilsMom · December 2013

With the ultimatum of your H being in the WP or not attending at all. I say screw these people, they are obviously not worth being friends with if they can be so insensitive to your financial situation. Being in a wedding can be costly and if they can't forgive dropping out of the wedding, they aren't worth keeping in your life. I find it even worse now, that the groom is your son's godfather.

BMoreBride6 · December 2013

I don't think not inviting your son was rude but the ultimatums are awful...

NYCBruin · December 2013

M_M_midgetz said:

We tried the option of dropping out of the WP, but the groom says that if my DH drops out of the WP then the numbers are uneven and he doesn't have anyone to replace him. The groom also made it clear that if my DH drops out of the WP then he doesn't want my DH at the wedding.

Yes, we will have to pay for the hotel costs, but the hotel costs are less than the babysitting fees. We would love to drop our son off at a friends, but everyone who can babysit will be at the wedding and we have no family around either.

I get that the bride and groom were upset we asked, but being the only guests who have a child and being affected by this "no children" rule is ridiculous as well. Our son is the groom's godchild, so although he isn't related by blood, he is pretty much family. I don't see it as being rude to ask about our son. The groom and DH have been friends since they were kids, and for my DH to not be able to ask a question about our son would be insulting to DH.

At this point we'll just wing it and see what happens. Maybe we just won't go to the wedding at all. Like a PP said, declining an invitation isn't an insult and it's not a big deal.

It's not up to you to decide whether your child is invited or not or whether their "rules" or justifications are silly or not. Their party, their guest list.

However, I can't believe that the groom is so obsessed with even numbers that he gave you that ultimatum. He basically told your DH that he's a prop to be used for balanced pictures. That's not cool. I would take more offense to that than your child not being invited.

kgd7357 · December 2013

I totally agree with @NYCBruin. Not inviting your son is not out of line. But they need to give somewhere. It's totally reasonable to let you and your H head out after cake cutting and speeches to get back to your little one. If the sitter is too expensive, I would just stay home. I would also reduce the gift you give if the budget is too much.

MobKaz · December 2013

This bride and groom scream entitled and self absorbed. They are showing no consideration for their family, friends, or wedding party.

They are guilting you into paying for a hotel room to benefit themselves. They are making demands of your time, which crosses all sorts of boundary lines. Once dinner is over, you are under NO obligation to remain. (Technically, once the ceremony is over your actual responsibilities end.) They are guilting you from dropping out of the wedding party, with what is probably the lamest excuse in the book. The fact that they would replace your husband speaks volumes about their attitude. You are also under no obligation to gift them. Your gift is the time and money spent being a part of their wedding.

Is there a chance you can get a sitter for the ceremony? You would not need to pay a sitter for the 5 hour gap. Then if possible, you could rehire the sitter for the cocktail/dinner portion of the reception. You would have plenty of time to drive home rather than spend the night. If that is not possible, I would decline altogether.

Help! Children at wedding?

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