No children at weddings

artbyallie · December 2013

The problem I have with this discussion is that the pro-kids side always ends up coming across somehow holier-than-thou, as if people who don't invite kids to weddings are heartless or otherwise deficient in some facet of humanity.

I invited kids. I don't care one whit what anyone else does. Suggesting that someone who doesn't invite them doesn't consider them family or doesn't love the children in their life is just a low blow and totally unnecessary. It's okay to not particularly like kids. Not everyone is cut out to deal with them.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

The problem I have with this discussion is that the pro-kids side always ends up coming across somehow holier-than-thou, as if people who don't invite kids to weddings are heartless or otherwise deficient in some facet of humanity.

I invited kids. I don't care one whit what anyone else does. Suggesting that someone who doesn't invite them doesn't consider them family or doesn't love the children in their life is just a low blow and totally unnecessary. It's okay to not particularly like kids. Not everyone is cut out to deal with them.

I personally don't care if people invite kids or not. I was just really curious because I've never heard of it before. It is a new concept for me and I was wondering the reasoning behind it.

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

Edit: Accidentally commented twice on this thread, sorry about that, I guess that's what I get for going online while waiting for my sleep aid to knock me out :P

winelover123 · December 2013

artbyallie said:

The problem I have with this discussion is that the pro-kids side always ends up coming across somehow holier-than-thou, as if people who don't invite kids to weddings are heartless or otherwise deficient in some facet of humanity.

I invited kids. I don't care one whit what anyone else does. Suggesting that someone who doesn't invite them doesn't consider them family or doesn't love the children in their life is just a low blow and totally unnecessary. It's okay to not particularly like kids. Not everyone is cut out to deal with them.

This was beautifully said.

The only children at our wedding were in our wedding. So H's niece, nephew and brother's gf's kid were invited. H has many cousins with kids - he doesn't know most of their names. He sees them maybe once a year. Cutting them was so incredibly helpful to our budget.

We also didn't consider under 18 to be children. 2 of my cousins are in their teens and were invited. Our decision was because 1) we aren't kid people, generally 2) it wasn't in the budget 3) we didn't know most of them

KytchynWitche · December 2013

Basically, what everyone else has said.

When I was a kid, the only weddings we were invited to were our older cousins - we went to the ceremony and then we were all bundled off to a spaghetti supper with a babysitter or two, somewhere far from the reception (usually one of our houses so we could sleep whenever we got tired) so our parents could relax and actually enjoy the evening.

The only couple we know with kids is my dad and stepmom.

Technically we do know another couple with kids, but they're in high school already and old enough to sit down and behave - but they won't be invited because they're at boarding school and our date is in the middle of the school term.

Even before Stepmom got drunk and caused a scene at a family event in November and got dad to disown my sister and me, thus removing them from the guest list, we weren't going to have kids at the wedding because these particular kids can't behave themselves at any event where they're not the center of attention - unsurprising when you look at the mother.

We can't afford to hire entertainment or a babysitter just for two kids.

We don't like kids.

Oh, and our venue has an unfenced drop of about 20m right at our ceremony site, which Stepsister A would almost certainly attempt to push Stepsister B over.

Edited because clarity.

MrsDeRuyter87 · December 2013

urbaneca said:

Basically, what everyone else has said.

When I was a kid, the only weddings we were invited to were our older cousins - we went to the ceremony and then we were all bundled off to a spaghetti supper with a babysitter or two, somewhere far from the reception (usually one of our houses so we could sleep whenever we got tired) so our parents could relax and actually enjoy the evening.

The only couple we know with kids is my dad and stepmom.

Technically we do know another couple with kids, but they're in high school already and old enough to sit down and behave - but they won't be invited because they're at boarding school and our date is in the middle of the school term.

Even before Stepmom got drunk and caused a scene at a family event in November and got dad to disown my sister and me, thus removing them from the guest list, we weren't going to have kids at the wedding because these particular kids can't behave themselves at any event where they're not the center of attention - unsurprising when you look at the mother.

We can't afford to hire entertainment or a babysitter just for two kids.

We don't like kids.

Oh, and our venue has an unfenced drop of about 20m right at our ceremony site, which Stepsister A would almost certainly attempt to push Stepsister B over.

Edited because clarity.

I couldn't help but giggle at that one!

JaniV123 · December 2013

Every wedding I have been to has had kids in them. We are very family oriented and I am close to every family member invited even if I dont see them often, part of my extended family is basically immediate family, its the same 50 people who always gather together. So all of their kids will be invited,plus some of them will travel in order to attend the wedding so it would be rude to not invite the kids or have them not be able to go because of the child, especially when they invited us over as kids.

so far its only about 20 underage (9 teenagers and 11 under 10) and 6 of them will be in the wedding. it may become a little bigger since a year and a half is enough for some kids to be born.

Edited to clarify

HaileyDancingbear · December 2013

ETA Sorry for two responses, I totally forgot I even commented on this before :P Don't go online while waiting for a sleep aid to kick in, folks XD

1. I'm not much of a kid person. I work with kids, and I can totally manage dealing with them and keeping them entertained for a few hours at a time, but If I had to list fun ways to spend my day that don't involve a paycheck, hanging out with children would not make that list.

2. I work with kids is a reason in itself. First off, because I watch kids enough at work, and I'd like to have my wedding not remind me of work, and second, because I'm so used to having to monitor every kid at all times to make sure they're all safe at work, that I ALWAYS do that. If I am around a group of kids, even if it's not my responsibility at all, I'll have an eye on them to make sure nobody gets hurt. On Christmas Eve I caught a toddler in mid air because I was the only one who noticed him climb onto the back of one couch and try to jump on another. The second he started climbing I started running over, and I got there when he jumped. (He was at that age where he was coordinated enough to jump, but nowhere near coordinated enough to land on his feet, if I didn't catch him he would have gotten pretty hurt) and obviously I'm happy I noticed, I just wish I wasn't the ONLY one who did (Parents didn't notice until he jumped and they were all the way across the room), and I wish I could say I didn't spend most of that night watching that kid and worrying he was going to get hurt.

3. The kids on dad's side of the family… Well there's a LOT of them, and I honestly lost count because there are at least 2 or 3 new babies every time that side of the family meets up, and they're notorious for being poorly behaved. Lots of screaming and crying and running around and breaking things, and getting hurt. Every time the family meets up at least one kid hurts themselves doing something they weren't supposed to do.

4. #3 wouldn't be such a huge problem if it wasn't for reason #4: The parents totally do not watch their kids. They think a big crowd means tons of free babysitters so they drink and socialize while the only people paying attention to the kids are people like me who are seriously worried those kids are going to get hurt.

5. There's always a dance floor when this side of the family gets together (They always rent a hall because it's a big family and they're not all going to fit in someone's house) and every time nobody ever dances because the kids completely take over the dance floor running around like crazy (And this is also where they usually get hurt) I don't want to put effort into renting the space and putting together good music just to have everyone not dance because the unmonitored kids are loose.

6. I am having a small wedding, and if I invited kids they'd be a huge portion of my guest list, and force me to have a much larger guest list than I would want. I just can't afford that. I also am thinking of an outdoor wedding, which would not be kid-friendly for this group, they would run off and get lost.

Not that I have a problem with kids at other people's weddings. If your family is full of well-behaved kids with responsible parents and you can afford the extra people on the guest list, go for it, sounds great! I'm just not so fortunate as far as the well-behaved kids thing goes.

mizangi · December 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think there are a lot of reasons, and I agree with what @NYCBruin said, so I'll add to it:

1. Some B/Gs have their hearts set on specific venues that (a) aren't kid-friendly or (b) don't offer a kids meal or (c) don't allow children

2. Some B/G have friends/family who don't parent appropriately and the children are allowed to be holy terrors, and they don't want to have to deal with that on their wedding day YES
3. Some couples get married young enough that, in their social circle, it's the exception for people to have children rather than the norm, and they don't want to have to make child-friendly arrangements for only a few kids.

4. It's the norm in their social circle not to include children at weddings, and the idea that they would be invited to an adults-only event is baffling.

My list is also not exhaustive, but that's what came to mind for me.

csuave · December 2013

Ours was "adult only" except for my brother and SIL's three kids (11 and 5 year old nephews and 9 year old niece) and a three year old uninvited "crasher" that I was OK with. The niece and nephews were all in the BP.

Our reasons were:

We are not kid people. The only kids that are our "loved ones" are niece and nephews. The children that were not invited are our cousins and friends kids; we don't have relationships with these kids and most of them probably don't even know our names.
We didn't want to pay for a potential extra 45 guests.
We didn't want to a potential 45 more bodies in the room or competing for dance floor space.
The majority of weddings in our circle are adult only. The guests look forward to a night out and it is one of the occasions where most people we know take the opportunity to really cut loose. I've never been to a wedding that did not have a full bar....people in our circle know it will be there and plan accordingly by lining up babysitters and sometimes hotel rooms as soon as the date is set.

We had a great time with our niece and nephews and wouldn't have dreamed of not having them there so I can understand why people invite kids to weddings.

The only thing that was kind of bad about kids being at our wedding was SIL (and crasher's dad) had to leave to their hotel rooms when the reception was in full swing because their kids were falling asleep. If we invited all the kids and this happened on a larger scale it would have been a bummer and probably a bit of a waste with having an open bar that went until 11pm.

misscoffeeplease · December 2013

We plan not to have kids at our wedding except immediate family and our daughter. Luckily my parents will entertain my daughter at the wedding for the most part. We both have a huge family and with our first cousins, some of them have at least 2-3 kids. It gets expensive. I don't want to have to pay for that extra expense.

EverAfer · January 2014

We're cutting the list to kids that are immediate family and OOT. We're inviting 200 adults, if all of those adults were allowed to bring their children,
a) we wouldn't be able to afford
b) it wouldn't be the wedding we envision and
c) our weddings doesn't mean much to kids of friends or our parents' friends' kids. I want the kids that I love there-and those are my families. I like my friend's kids but I'm not that close to them.
d) I've had kids over at my house, at bbqs, at camp but our wedding is not intended to be a kid's event, so I wouldn't want them there bored and irritated
e) some parents do suck at being responsible for their kids, they see alot of adults around and figured someone else will be watching them

jenna8984 · January 2014

90% of weddings I've been to here in New England were adult only. I actually was not invited to my first wedding until I was 19 years old and that was only because it was my boyfriend at the time's sister so I kind of had to tag along.

I'm not a kid person at all, I do find them running around to be "bratty" and not cute....at a destination wedding in Cancun a 4 year old literally grabbed the mic from the MOH during speeches and started singing ABC's into the mic, then started putting his fingers in the cake!! I found it quite the opposite of cute and wondered why the hell his mom was off getting drunk and not watching him.

We are only having my niece & nephew, and one good friend is flying across the country with a 1 year old so obviously he can come.

kiwikiss56 · January 2014

I am also having an "adult only" wedding. We aren't having a flower girl and our ring bearer is our dog

. Neither of us have nieces or nephews and for me none of my close friends have kids. A couple of my fiances friends have kids but in our circle it's not normal to invite friend's children - sometimes family. We have some cousins that have kids but to be honest they are cousins that I see once every couple of years and to add kids would put us extremely over capacity (we're already at 225 and kids would easily put us 250+). If we had nieces and nephews and every wedding was a family affair it would definitely be different.

zitiqueen · January 2014

jdluvr06 said:

Ok. Those are fair reasons. Like I said this just isn't something I'm familiar with so I was curious. We're going to have kids at our wedding obviously since it is kind of the norm here but for us it is more than that. We want to celebrate with all our loved ones and the kids are on our list of loved ones.

So you're saying you weren't trying to sound holier-than-thou with this comment? Wow. You really suck at it.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

zitiqueen said:

jdluvr06 said:

Ok. Those are fair reasons. Like I said this just isn't something I'm familiar with so I was curious. We're going to have kids at our wedding obviously since it is kind of the norm here but for us it is more than that. We want to celebrate with all our loved ones and the kids are on our list of loved ones.

So you're saying you weren't trying to sound holier-than-thou with this comment? Wow. You really suck at it.

No I wasn't. I was simply stating why there will be kids at our wedding. Others choices are their own and I don't judge others for their choices. I've never heard of kids not being at weddings. I was just really curious about it because it is a new concept to me. If you thought I was coming across as holier than thou than I guess I apologize for the misunderstanding as that wasn't my intent.

zitiqueen · January 2014

jdluvr06 said:

zitiqueen said:

jdluvr06 said:

Ok. Those are fair reasons. Like I said this just isn't something I'm familiar with so I was curious. We're going to have kids at our wedding obviously since it is kind of the norm here but for us it is more than that. We want to celebrate with all our loved ones and the kids are on our list of loved ones.

So you're saying you weren't trying to sound holier-than-thou with this comment? Wow. You really suck at it.

No I wasn't. I was simply stating why there will be kids at our wedding. Others choices are their own and I don't judge others for their choices. I've never heard of kids not being at weddings. I was just really curious about it because it is a new concept to me. If you thought I was coming across as holier than thou than I guess I apologize for the misunderstanding as that wasn't my intent.

Let's add 'apologizing' to the list of things you're bad at.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

@zitiqueen , knowing @jdluvr06 on these boards, I can say that she's not the holier-than-thou type. I'm firmly in the "no kids" camp, but I know that she wouldn't outright judge me for that. And how was that not an apology?

I think what she meant by the 'loved ones' comment was that they're very close with the little ones in their familial and social circles and are used to having them at all social gatherings, and it would be unusual if they didn't include them in their wedding and they would feel as though they were missing a key group of people.

monkeysip · January 2014

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

@zitiqueen , knowing @jdluvr06 on these boards, I can say that she's not the holier-than-thou type. I'm firmly in the "no kids" camp, but I know that she wouldn't outright judge me for that. And how was that not an apology?

I think what she meant by the 'loved ones' comment was that they're very close with the little ones in their familial and social circles and are used to having them at all social gatherings, and it would be unusual if they didn't include them in their wedding and they would feel as though they were missing a key group of people.

I agree with this. To some people, not inviting the kids in their family would be like not inviting their grandparents or something. They would really miss them there.

For others, they don't view it that way, and although I'M SURE they care about the children in their family, they just view their weddings as more adult-oriented, and can see the children some other time.

I don't think anyone was saying that those who invite children care about them more or something than those who don't.

ADoyle16 · January 2014

My brother actually had a child-free wedding, actually 8 years ago yesterday. That was because at the time, most of their friends and family didn't have any children, and it turned out to be a nice event. Now, in my case, the only children I plan to have at my wedding is my niece as the flower girl, as she's well behaved, and my SIL who is her mom will be in the wedding as well. My mom is remarried, and while her husband will also be at the wedding, I'm glad I'm not expected to invite his grown children because the grandchildren are basically allowed to run wild. As they're a large family, that would also reduce the number of close friends the FI and I plan to invite, as we already have several biological family members who we want to invite.

When I was growing up, the only weddings I went to were that of my uncles who got married locally, or a first cousin's wedding.

jdluvr06 · January 2014

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

@zitiqueen , knowing @jdluvr06 on these boards, I can say that she's not the holier-than-thou type. I'm firmly in the "no kids" camp, but I know that she wouldn't outright judge me for that. And how was that not an apology?

I think what she meant by the 'loved ones' comment was that they're very close with the little ones in their familial and social circles and are used to having them at all social gatherings, and it would be unusual if they didn't include them in their wedding and they would feel as though they were missing a key group of people.

I agree with this. To some people, not inviting the kids in their family would be like not inviting their grandparents or something. They would really miss them there.

For others, they don't view it that way, and although I'M SURE they care about the children in their family, they just view their weddings as more adult-oriented, and can see the children some other time.

I don't think anyone was saying that those who invite children care about them more or something than those who don't.

That is exactly what I meant. I'm just really close to the kids in my family and I'm close to several of my friend's kids. So is my FI. We're just kid people. There is nothing wrong with no being a kid person and I don't have a problem if people choose not to invite kids. It just isn't the norm in our social circle.

arrippa · January 2014

I am only inviting the children of my OOT guests, although I would like to have a kid free wedding. But, as an adult who makes difficult decisions, I'd rather have the kids there than my family and friends not attend. I do see the upside of an adult only wedding though.

When I was young, my parents went to quite a few weddings where we were not invited. Adult only weddings have been around for a long time. It's not a new thing.

artbyallie · January 2014

jdluvr06 said:

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

@zitiqueen , knowing @jdluvr06 on these boards, I can say that she's not the holier-than-thou type. I'm firmly in the "no kids" camp, but I know that she wouldn't outright judge me for that. And how was that not an apology?

I think what she meant by the 'loved ones' comment was that they're very close with the little ones in their familial and social circles and are used to having them at all social gatherings, and it would be unusual if they didn't include them in their wedding and they would feel as though they were missing a key group of people.

I agree with this. To some people, not inviting the kids in their family would be like not inviting their grandparents or something. They would really miss them there.

For others, they don't view it that way, and although I'M SURE they care about the children in their family, they just view their weddings as more adult-oriented, and can see the children some other time.

I don't think anyone was saying that those who invite children care about them more or something than those who don't.
That is exactly what I meant. I'm just really close to the kids in my family and I'm close to several of my friend's kids. So is my FI. We're just kid people. There is nothing wrong with no being a kid person and I don't have a problem if people choose not to invite kids. It just isn't the norm in our social circle.

I think some people read an implication in your explanation that if others choose for their wedding to be an adult event, that means they can't possibly love the kids in their family. It is possible to love the kids you know without inviting them to every party. And it could even be consideration for said kids, if they're of an age/disposition where they find weddings boring and are not yet mature enough to grasp the meaningfulness.

monkeysip · January 2014

I think there's also a consideration for the parents.

In my case, I think the parents would have been annoyed at having to find care for their children. They're used to taking their kids to events. For other social circles, the parents are used to finding care for the kiddos and would welcome an evening of adult interaction. If you feel like most of your guests are the latter, you're probably doing them a favor by not inviting kids.

*Note... I'm not saying you MUST invite kids if it would bother the parents to find care for them... just saying it's something to consider. You never HAVE to invite kids.

SarahFace1984 · January 2014

I've heard of people inviting children to weddings, but then hiring a babysitter to be available to watch the children if needed. I will have two flower girls and two ring bearers in my wedding and they will all be 7 years old and under. Our wedding venue is at a hotel and I like the idea of hiring someone to watch the kids up in a hotel room after the dinner. So when it gets late and the loud music and dancing is going on, they will be happier playing/sleeping in a quiet room. It's the best of both worlds.

LacyHolly · January 2014

I have to admit, even though we are having an outdoor, super simple wedding...I wish we could say no children. My fiance's brother has three children that DRIVE ME BONKERS. One of them is a total brat. He doesn't listen. Ever. If he gets spanked for doing something naughty, he laughs. Also, his mother is one of those people who goes somewhere and expects others to take care of her children. Plus, without children, that would free up so much more space in our small area.

HobokensFury · January 2014

SarahFace1984 said:

I've heard of people inviting children to weddings, but then hiring a babysitter to be available to watch the children if needed. I will have two flower girls and two ring bearers in my wedding and they will all be 7 years old and under. Our wedding venue is at a hotel and I like the idea of hiring someone to watch the kids up in a hotel room after the dinner. So when it gets late and the loud music and dancing is going on, they will be happier playing/sleeping in a quiet room. It's the best of both worlds.

SO you think it's better for your guests to leave their children alone with a stranger in a hotel room? Let the parents figure out their own childcare for the night. Plus you don't have to pay for it!

KatWAG · January 2014

CMGragain said:

OP, I don't get it either. I think weddings should be about the families, and most families include children. Parents should be responsible for their children's behavior, and if they go into overload and start to cry, the parent should quietly take them out to a place where they can get themselves under control.
I do object to very young children being used a cute props in a wedding ceremony. That isn't fair to the children.

(stuck in the box)

The operative word here is 'should.' Just because the parents should doesnt mean that they will.

Jells2dot0 · January 2014

Saw this on CNN just now and remember seeing this post yesterday. Sorry if the bump was inappropriate.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/10/living/kids-at-weddings-matrimony/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

ETA: spelling

jodilong81 · January 2014

LacyHolly said:
I have to admit, even though we are having an outdoor, super simple wedding...I wish we could say no children. My fiance's brother has three children that DRIVE ME BONKERS. One of them is a total brat. He doesn't listen. Ever. If he gets spanked for doing something naughty, he laughs. Also, his mother is one of those people who goes somewhere and expects others to take care of her children. Plus, without children, that would free up so much more space in our small area.

I am on this exact situation also. If I knew the parents took some responsibility for his kids at family functions, I would have no problem but since they don't, I don't want my mom or someone else to have to worry about watching kids. I know I must be heartless...

No children at weddings

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