Including my biological family?

bride2b71614 · December 2013

I am wondering if anyone else who is adopted is having this problem. When I was sixteen I met my biological family, and have been in contact with them ever since. Upon getting engaged, my adoptive mother was the first person we called, followed by my biological mother. Both families are dear to my heart, as one gave me life, while the other raised me and allowed for me to have opportunities that my biological family couldn't provide.

Here is my dilemma: My adoptive parents do not like to "share" me. I understand this as they were the ones who raised me (and I view them as my "parents" more than my biological family). My FI and I are paying for a majority of the wedding and my adoptive parents are chipping in here and there. My adoptive parents were ambivalent about my biological family participating in our wedding, but ultimately agreed that it would be okay for them to attend and even be a part of our wedding. My adoptive parents won't budge on the following roles/events: my adoptive father must to walk me down the aisle, and my adoptive mother does not want my biological family going dress shopping with us. Since I have the go ahead, what roles could be considered appropriate for my biological family to participate in terms of the ceremony(which will be interfaith: Protestant and Jewish)/events prior to the wedding?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I would pay for the wedding yourself and bring whoever you want and include them however you want in your wedding. I feel like your adoptive parents are being VERY selfish. they cannot dictate who and how you have a relationship with people.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

bride2b71614 said:

I am wondering if anyone else who is adopted is having this problem. When I was sixteen I met my biological family, and have been in contact with them ever since. Upon getting engaged, my adoptive mother was the first person we called, followed by my biological mother. Both families are dear to my heart, as one gave me life, while the other raised me and allowed for me to have opportunities that my biological family couldn't provide.

Here is my dilemma: My adoptive parents do not like to "share" me. I understand this as they were the ones who raised me (and I view them as my "parents" more than my biological family). My FI and I are paying for a majority of the wedding and my adoptive parents are chipping in here and there. My adoptive parents were ambivalent about my biological family participating in our wedding, but ultimately agreed that it would be okay for them to attend and even be a part of our wedding. My adoptive parents won't budge on the following roles/events: my adoptive father must to walk me down the aisle, and my adoptive mother does not want my biological family going dress shopping with us. Since I have the go ahead, what roles could be considered appropriate for my biological family to participate in terms of the ceremony(which will be interfaith: Protestant and Jewish)/events prior to the wedding?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I'm sorry, but I find the bolded to be utterly reprehensible. They don't get to tell you whether you can or cannot have a relationship with people. If they're paying, they get to call some of the shots, but this is beyond the pale.

Think of it in reverse -- if you did NOT have a relationship with your biological family and your adoptive family thought you should, would you allow them to force that relationship on you because it's what they want and they're paying for it? No.

As @phira said on another thread somewhere else recently, weddings seem to make people think they should force relationships and reconciliations where none have existed before, and that's utterly ridiculous.

It's up to YOU to determine how much involvement you want your biological family to have in your wedding. Not your adoptive family.

I can understand where your adoptive dad wants to be the one to walk you down the aisle, and I would even give him that one, since he raised you.

But I cannot see the harm in taking your bio mom along with you for dress buying or dress fittings or flower picking or whatever else.

But it should be your call, and yours alone.

phira · December 2013

@hisgirlfriday13 pretty much said what I was going to say. It sounds like your adoptive family has their idea of what your wedding is supposed to be like ... and what your relationships are supposed to be like. Making demands that you exclude your biological family sounds like they want to paint a very particular picture to your guests.

I don't think they're assholes or anything. I'd really love to be an adoptive parent (someone please convince my partner), and I know there's a lot of stress with not being perceived as a "real" parent. I think you should talk to your parents about what you (and your fiance) envision for the wedding, and explain that you are not comfortable with the limitations they're placing on you.

When it comes down to it, if these are the strings attached to their money, then you might have to play by the rules or pay for the wedding on your own.

As for ways to include your bio family, I think it depends on who they are. Is this a bio mom and/or dad? Siblings?

casey8784 · December 2013

I was also adopted, and I only found my biological family a few years ago (I'm 29 now). I've met my sister, my brother's wife (my SIL), and my nephews, and planning to meet my bio mom this coming spring. My nephews are going to be my ring bearers, but that's it for participation on their part. My parents were actually the ones who asked if I wanted to invite them.

Since part of the wedding will be Jewish, are you doing a bedeken or a ketubah signing? You could have your bio mom be one of the witnesses if you want her to have a nice role. Parents are not allowed to sign their child's ketubah, anyways, so your parents shouldn't feel "threatened" at all if she signs. Or, maybe if you're doing the blessing over the challah at the beginning of the reception that would be a nice way to honor your bio family, too.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

Your parents are probably worried that your relationship with you biological family could compromise your relationship with them. I don't think they are trying to be selfish, I think they are just insecure and I do and don't blame them for that. I imagine it is hard for adoptive parents when their children meet their bio parents. I do think your adoptive dad should walk you down the aisle because he is your dad. As for the role your biological family that is entirely up to you. They can be involved as little or as much as you want. It really depends on how close you are to them.

phira · December 2013

jdluvr06 said:

Your parents are probably worried that your relationship with you biological family could compromise your relationship with them. I don't think they are trying to be selfish, I think they are just insecure and I do and don't blame them for that. I imagine it is hard for adoptive parents when their children meet their bio parents. I do think your adoptive dad should walk you down the aisle because he is your dad. As for the role your biological family that is entirely up to you. They can be involved as little or as much as you want. It really depends on how close you are to them.

Eh. I think that people should choose who walks them down the aisle. I think that her adoptive dad should walk her down the aisle if she wants him to (and I think it would be completely appropriate for her to have her adoptive dad and biological dad walk her down together if she wanted; that's really common with step-dads).

jessicabessica · December 2013

I like @casey8784's idea of having your bio family at the bedeken/ketubah signing if you do that. If you do the horah, you could also make sure that they are included in the inner circles of dancing. Also, it's traditional in Jewish weddings to have both parents walk you down the aisle--are you interested in having both your parents, not just your dad, walk you? That might make your (adoptive) mom feel more special.

bride2b71614 · December 2013

Thank you all so much for the advice. I love both families dearly. The issue I have is that my biological family isn't making it any easier. They are eager to participate in the wedding, and are undermining my adoptive parents left and right (I was given a family heirloom ring from the antebellum period by my biological mother and was told use that in place of my adoptive grandmother's veil). I really think that each piece of advice was useful pertaining to this situation. Me, my biological mother, my biological sister, my adoptive parents, and FI need to sit down and have an open honest conversation. Both families need to be treated equally from here on out (as both did favors for each other), and I need to explain that I am tired of being the rope in their tug of war game. As for my biological family's role in the wedding, I liked @jessicabessica's hora chair dance idea best. Its a great way to incorporate them, and they will be seen as important family members. Hopefully after the conversation, and my biological family accepting the hora chair role, everyone will try to get along. We'll see how well this goes.

Thanks again!

STARMOON44 · December 2013

You want to treat your mother who raised you equally with the woman who gave birth to you and gave you away? And you expect your mom and dad to be okay with this? You need some family therapy more than etiquette advice if you don't see what you just said as potentially hugely problematic.

crfische · December 2013

Here's the thing: do what you feel is appropriate in relation to the relationships you have with them. If the funding party doesn't like it or agree with it, you pay for it yourself. I get being respectful if everyone's feelings, but they're just gonna have to calm down.

phira · December 2013

STARMOON44 said:

You want to treat your mother who raised you equally with the woman who gave birth to you and gave you away? And you expect your mom and dad to be okay with this? You need some family therapy more than etiquette advice if you don't see what you just said as potentially hugely problematic.

You know, I'd say the connotation here might have been unintentional, but based on the comparison you set up in your sentence, I really doubt it.

Can we please NOT shame women for their choices? The OP did not disclose why her biological family put her up for adoption, and she doesn't HAVE to disclose it to a bunch of stranger on the internet. Shaming her biological parents for a decision they made, one that the OP indicates was the best decision for everyone involved, is really unbelievably rude.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

As an adopted child myself, I totally get where you're coming from. (I am not in contact with bio family members, and do not know who and where they are, by my choice.) My adoptive parents are my parents, and that family is my family. To me, they come first, period. IF (big if) any bio family members were in my life, they would not receive the same focus as my family. I love them for what they did and I have amazing amounts of respect for them, their decision, and their strength. But they gave up their rights to be my family when they signed the adoption papers. All that happened exactly the way it was supposed to happen, and I see no reason to revisit any of it and try to change it. They made the right decision the first time. As much as you care about your bio family, I urge you to make your parents and their preferences your priority. Do something to show your bio family that you love and respect them, but I think trying to make them all equal is going to stress you out too much, and runs the risk of hurting feelings all the way around, possibly beyond being repaired. Your parents may be feeling like your trying to make your bio family equal in importance to them means you're going to 'abandon' them after their dreams came true when you became their daughter. They need your reassurance on this. You have to put your foot down here. Who do you think of when you talk about your 'parents'? Who comes to mind first when someone says 'mom' or 'dad'? (For me, I have my mother and somewhere out there, there is the woman who gave birth to me. They aren't the same.) Can you not wear both the ring and the veil? It might be a good compromise, and reflect your roots in both families. PM me if you would like to. Sorry so hard to read, TK hates paragraphs for me.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

Effing double post.

bride2b71614 · December 2013

This whole situation is difficult because I made the decision to stay in contact with my biological family. I wanted to incorporate my parents and my biological family, because both play a part in my life. I am learning that the phrase "it takes a lifetime to please everybody, but only a second to piss everyone off" is very true. I am more likely to piss everyone off than make them happy. At the same time, I just want to be respectful, and it's difficult when it comes to having multiple parties involved with one person. I have realized that it is impossible for both families to be equal, as my adoptive family raised me and they are my parents, but I just want them to respect my biological family. I would also like to have my ideas respected when it comes to incorporating both families, but it doesn't have an easy solution. I hope it plays out well, but I won't know until we sit down.

clarke10 · December 2013

I don't think your adoptive parents should have any say in the involvement of your biological parents. I understand that they raised you and are "mom and dad" to you, but I feel they're being really selfish. It is your wedding and if your biological family is important to you, you should have every right to include them in any way you so choose.

sabrina69barnes · December 2013

I was adopted in a completely closed adoption but found my mom when I was 17. I got married at 21. In those few years my first mom became a best friend. She was my bridesmaid but was also in all family/ mother photos.

I never really met my birthfather and I didn't invite him to my wedding. My adoptive father and I are close and I wanted him to walk me down the aisle. He was also the one that introduced me to DH.

My adoptive mom is local and my first mom is 8hrs away so her being involved in too much planning was never really an option. I got married in Oct and DH and I went to Disney World for our honeymoon. My first mom went with her DH and one of my brothers the month before so she helped me a lot with honeymoon planning.

I bought a vintage dress on craigslist and wore my first mom's veil so I never really went dress shopping.

My moms, MIL, SD, and I all got dressed together. My dress had tiny buttons up the back so more than one person was able to help me in my dress

My first mom's wedding ring was my something borrowed. I also carried a prayer book that my adoptive mom and her mom carried on their wedding day.

We got married in an historic chapel with an old bell so my bio brother, who was 5, got to ring it and the end of our ceremony.

Since my first mom was in my wedding party I got to do some stuff with just her in the days leading up to my wedding without stepping on anybody's toes.

fionahalliwell · December 2013

This sounds sooo similar to a family I know. Their daughter may or may not be engaged--I haven't seen her in a long time--but I know there was some familial conflict when she found her biological family and developed relationships with them. Because I used to be friends with the girl and I know the family pretty well, I see both sides.

Honestly, I feel as though you should not accept the money from your adoptive parents and plan the wedding that feels appropriate for you. To limit the roles of people who mean something to you is wrong, IMO, and I truly can't imagine that your goal is to "replace" your adoptive parents with your biological parents. They play different roles in your life, and obviously, you want to include them. If you're paying for the wedding 100%, though, it's completely up to you how you incorporate people. Yes, it may be harder to get everything you want, but it's really more about the people than the stuff. You know what I mean.

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2013

No one is going to get everything they want, but unless the ideas are completely contradictory everyone should get something they want. Ultimately it has got to my you and your FH that figure out how that all works and fits together. Remember that your relationship with your parents will probably change purely by the fact that you are getting married. Now is a really good time to set boundaries. I would also encourage you to find a good, neutral friend, FH or even a counselor that you can talk to about this and might be able to help you figure out what you really want. Good luck!

SomethingBeautiful08 · December 2013

No one is going to get everything they want, but unless the ideas are completely contradictory everyone should get something they want. Ultimately it has got to my you and your FH that figure out how that all works and fits together. Remember that your relationship with your parents will probably change purely by the fact that you are getting married. Now is a really good time to set boundaries. I would also encourage you to find a good, neutral friend, FH or even a counselor that you can talk to about this and might be able to help you figure out what you really want. Good luck!

Inkdancer · December 2013

All I have to add is wishing you luck in this. I am just now reconnecting with my bio father's family, and it's a big mess because of old drama.

Just try to keep reminding your family, bio and adopted, that your wedding day is about celebrating your marriage.You want your family there to support you, but it is in no way about who is more or less committed to you... it is only about you and your future husband.

bride2b71614 · January 2014

First, I would like to thank everyone for sharing their ideas, and for fellow adoptees sharing their story. I have decided that we won't be accepting any money from either parties, so that the decisions we make will be ours alone to make.

Somehow I missed @STARMOON44's comment earlier in this thread. I am aware that the knot can be unforgiving at times, and that you may not always get the answer you want, but this particular response didn't really answer the question as to how I can incorporate my biological family into our wedding. Rather, it was rude and judgmental.

So at the risk of sounding snarky: @STARMOON44, I apologize that you are under the impression that my biological family didn't act selflessly, or that you believe I require therapy for having a relationship with them. I could say that this whole thread hit too close to home for you (which caused your reaction), but I don't know you, just like you don't know my biological family, or their circumstances at the time...so it would be pretty silly to make unnecessary assumptions about people wouldn't it?

arrippa · January 2014

STARMOON44 said:

You want to treat your mother who raised you equally with the woman who gave birth to you and gave you away? And you expect your mom and dad to be okay with this? You need some family therapy more than etiquette advice if you don't see what you just said as potentially hugely problematic.

My mom was adopted into a family that abused her in many ways. She found her bio family 15 years ago and cut off contact with adopted family but is very close to selected members of bio family. I don't agree with your statement above, since you can't possibly know every family dynamic.

I think in the OP's case, it should be up to her and only her to decide what roles each family will take.

Jen4948 · January 2014

STARMOON44 said:

You want to treat your mother who raised you equally with the woman who gave birth to you and gave you away? And you expect your mom and dad to be okay with this? You need some family therapy more than etiquette advice if you don't see what you just said as potentially hugely problematic.

Not every adoption goes well; nor do all family disagreements require therapy.

My own mother placed her first-born child for adoption, and he sought her out years later. He and his adopted parents have socialized with our family.

You overstate with excessively hostile and snotty generalizations that do not apply to every adoption situation.

Including my biological family?

Re: Including my biological family?

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