Open bar - someone still wants to bring a flask

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

Hi, I have been lurking for a while and created an account. I have been reading a lot of the ettiquette I haven't posted anything until now but I have a question that I believe is etiquette related. My fiance and I are getting married in April and we are having an open bar. The person who owns the venue does not allow shots whatsoever. He also said that if he saw someone was getting too rowdy that he would cut them off for a while, provide them water or coffee and hopefully nothing would get out of hand. He explained that he has had bad experiences and he felt this was a responsible decision. Makes sense, still an open bar, can't really complain. I was talking to my sister who I have chosen for my maid of honor and I told her what he said. She likes to party and drink, she's in college, no big deal. I was taken aback when she said that his policy was stupid and that if she can't do shots there she was going to bring a flask. She said that she wants to get "absolutely smashed" at my wedding because what else do you do at a wedding?

So my question is, how do I address this? I don't want someone bringing a flask, especially when there is an open bar. It seems really rude to me. Or would it be just as rude of me to say something? My old college friends are huge drinkers but even they aren't going to be doing something like this.

AddieCake · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

Hi, I have been lurking for a while and created an account. I have been reading a lot of the ettiquette I haven't posted anything until now but I have a question that I believe is etiquette related. My fiance and I are getting married in April and we are having an open bar. The person who owns the venue does not allow shots whatsoever. He also said that if he saw someone was getting too rowdy that he would cut them off for a while, provide them water or coffee and hopefully nothing would get out of hand. He explained that he has had bad experiences and he felt this was a responsible decision. Makes sense, still an open bar, can't really complain. I was talking to my sister who I have chosen for my maid of honor and I told her what he said. She likes to party and drink, she's in college, no big deal. I was taken aback when she said that his policy was stupid and that if she can't do shots there she was going to bring a flask. She said that she wants to get "absolutely smashed" at my wedding because what else do you do at a wedding?

So my question is, how do I address this? I don't want someone bringing a flask, especially when there is an open bar. It seems really rude to me. Or would it be just as rude of me to say something? My old college friends are huge drinkers but even they aren't going to be doing something like this.

All you can really do is tell her that bringing a flask to the wedding so she can get "absolutely smashed" is an immature attitude and that you would prefer she act more like a grown up. Other than that, there's not much you can do. If she's going to bring it, she's going to bring it.

s-aries8990 · January 2014

If the topic comes up again I'd have the conversation with her and tell her that it's pretty rude- I mean, she is you sister and MOH so I feel like you don't really need to skirt the subject should it arise. I'd also tell her that the owner said that if someone was getting out of hand, they would be cut off and you'd hate to see her cut off.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Because this is your sister, you can hopefully be more honest and open with her. Let her know that her attitude isn't very mature or considerate.

Also, what's the venue policy on outside alcohol? I would be willing to bet they don't allow any, in which case your sister could have her flask confiscated, you could be fined, or she could even be kicked off the premises. Warn her about the potential consequences.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

I'll talk to her if it comes up again. I may talk to her right before the wedding expressing my concerns. She takes alcohol very seriously and can be just as stubborn as me. That's where my concern is, some people joke but she jokes and then it can turn into something she will seriously do. She had joked about it earlier and I didn't realize that she wasn't kidding until she said she has done it before.

I will have to look at my venue policy again, I don't remember seeing that in the contract we signed but maybe she will be more "respectful" of this kind of event if I have something to back it up. Thanks everyone!

climbingsingle · January 2014

I don't' think that's really uncommon. I've been to weddings before where shots aren't allowed. But yes, since it's your sister, hopefully you can have a more honest conversation with her. Tell her she can have shots after the reception. There's no reason she needs to be shitfaced drunk (which you can easily get without shots anyway).

Amyzen83 · January 2014

Your sister sounds very rude, and immature, I agree with PPs, let her know the consequences and since she is your sister, you can tell her that she can have fun and not be completely smashed.

kmmssg · January 2014

Remind her that her drunkenness will be immortalized in your reception pictures forever.

As the mom of 4 grown DD's I wouldnt hesitate to get involved with a MAJOR Come to Jesus meeting on this topic. Is she over 21? If not, that opens another can of worms.

I would, in no uncertain terms, remove any of my grown children from a family wedding if they had a goal of getting smashed. You are NOT getting smashed in front of Grandpa where I will have to hear about that for the rest of his life. You also aren't going to embarrass me at a party I am hosting. If your sister is getting married, you can stay sober and get smashed at the after party with your friends.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Will you have security at your wedding?

If so, let your sister know that you will have security at your wedding and they will remove anyone, including her, who "gets smashed" or otherwise behaves improperly, and follow through if she ignores that or acts dismissive when you tell her. Maybe the only way to put a stop to her selfish, immature behavior is to let her face the consequences when she does.

I realize this is an extreme reaction, but you might need to use it as a last resort if she can't get it through that solid bone she calls a skull that you are not inviting her to your wedding for the purpose of "getting smashed."

cowgirl8238 · January 2014

kmmssg said:

Remind her that her drunkenness will be immortalized in your reception pictures forever.

As the mom of 4 grown DD's I wouldnt hesitate to get involved with a MAJOR Come to Jesus meeting on this topic. Is she over 21? If not, that opens another can of worms.

I would, in no uncertain terms, remove any of my grown children from a family wedding if they had a goal of getting smashed. You are NOT getting smashed in front of Grandpa where I will have to hear about that for the rest of his life. You also aren't going to embarrass me at a party I am hosting. If your sister is getting married, you can stay sober and get smashed at the after party with your friends.

To the Bolded: That is a very good point, and one of the most solid reasons you should/could talk to her. Otherwise I agree with everyone else, you should sit her down and have a talk with her about the consequneces of her actions. If she won't listen, well at least you tried.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

She'll be 21 this upcoming year, so before the wedding. We do have security so I will bring that up. I believe that if it does not come up again way before the wedding, probably soon before the wedding I am going to bring it up myself and express my concerns. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries because I know that it is rude to request anyone in the wedding or attending the wedding to change their habits just for me.

sarahufl · January 2014

ugh, WHY do people think your wedding is an acceptable time to get hammered? It is something I will never understand. I would tell my sister to get smashed on her own time but to drink like an adult at my reception. She sounds very immature.

misssunshine17 · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

She'll be 21 this upcoming year, so before the wedding. We do have security so I will bring that up. I believe that if it does not come up again way before the wedding, probably soon before the wedding I am going to bring it up myself and express my concerns. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries because I know that it is rude to request anyone in the wedding or attending the wedding to change their habits just for me.

Since she's your sister, I would have a frank talk. Tell her what their policy is and that you will have no problem removing her from the premise if she can't abide by it. Tell her you will not have your wedding shut down because she refuses to have orange juice in her vodka. No fucking way.

Jen4948 · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

She'll be 21 this upcoming year, so before the wedding. We do have security so I will bring that up. I believe that if it does not come up again way before the wedding, probably soon before the wedding I am going to bring it up myself and express my concerns. I just don't want to overstep my boundaries because I know that it is rude to request anyone in the wedding or attending the wedding to change their habits just for me.

In this case, I think you're not asking your sister to change her habits-you're asking her to behave according to the same standards of behavior you're requesting from everyone else-which, among other things, is "no getting absolutely smashed." If she wants to continue getting "absolutely smashed" on her own time and dime, which you're not asking her for, that's her business and the consequences of that don't concern you.

And if someone's doing something unsafe, it seems to me that if you ask them not to, 1) you're asking them to change their habits not "just for you" but for everyone in the world and 2) that isn't rude because issues of safety are involved. Safety trumps etiquette.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

It's weird. She is a very successful student, does amazingly well in school - All A's, works several jobs and holds several positions in the student body but when it comes to alcohol, yes she can be very immature. Normally I don't mind, I leave her alone and let her make her own decisions. She is mature enough to do that, but in this case, I felt this situation was extremely childish and I am (was?) completely clueless as to how to address it.

I don't want her to feel like I am lecturing her or trying to treat her like a child but this is my fiance's and my wedding - our special day and I don't want to sound like that screaming bride that says "it is all about me", but the way a person acts will reflect on my fiance and I.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

I'm going to sit down and talk with her. The wedding is a little ways away so I have time. I appreciate all the advice. Hopefully it comes up and then I will address it then BUT if it doesn't come up, I will be pulling her aside to talk to her so she knows where I am coming from and if she isn't going to listen, then she will not listen. I believe that she will. I just need to be frank.

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

Truthfully, if you talk with her one more time about it and she doesn't budge, she sounds like an extremely selfish person who could possibly have a problem with alcohol. Is there someone who could help you run interference, like your parents?

RebeccaB88 · January 2014

DP

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

I don't really like to have other people fight my battles plus my mom is kind of a meek person and my sister normally doesn't listen to what she says and my father is no longer here.

AddieCake · January 2014

It sounds like you're going about it the right way. I get it. In college, I enjoyed getting drunk on weekends. Hell, sometimes now at 40 I look forward to a night out and planning to get drunk. However, going to an event like a wedding with a pre-meditated plan to get smashed b/c "it's what you're supposed to do" (it's not) is classless to me. Please convey that to her, that she will likely make an ass of herself going in with that attitude. Getting tipsy or even drunk, is one thing, but the word "smashed" just sounds like she intends to be falling down drunk, slurring, etc. Not attractive on anyone at any time, and especially not at a classy function.

lizandmark2014 · January 2014

I would say: Hey sis so my open bar isn't good enough just because I am not serving shots. I appreciate the respect you have for my hospitality and budget. ( with sarcasm).

photokitty · January 2014

When all else fails pull the mom card. Not the most mature route, but my mom would fix the situation in 2 seconds flat :-p

GL!

MNVegas · January 2014

Tell her to grow up!

phira · January 2014

"Sis, I know you like to party, but if you bring a flask, we're going to get in trouble with our venue. There will be an open bar all night, so I don't see why you need to bring one and risk us getting a fine or having our bar closed early. If you keep mentioning that you're going to bring one, I'm really not sure what [fiance] and I are going to do."

Even if you won't be fined, or if your bar won't be closed if someone brings a flask, your venue HAS made it clear what the rules are, and if she's going to knowingly flaunt them, then I feel like she should at least be afraid of ruining your wedding.

delujm0 · January 2014

I would just tell her she's going to look like an idiot if she's trased and swigging booze from a flask all night when free booze is readily available.

Also, as MOH, if she's planning to make a speech, tell her you'd appreciate it if she would stay sober until that's over. Because otherwise she'll probably make a fool of herself. But unless you think she has a serious drinking problem (which it doesn't sound like she does - it sounds more like she's just a big college partier who hasn't outgrown binge drinking yet), you really can't control her. She's the one that's liable to look bad - not you.

Blue_Bird · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

Hi, I have been lurking for a while and created an account. I have been reading a lot of the ettiquette I haven't posted anything until now but I have a question that I believe is etiquette related. My fiance and I are getting married in April and we are having an open bar. The person who owns the venue does not allow shots whatsoever. He also said that if he saw someone was getting too rowdy that he would cut them off for a while, provide them water or coffee and hopefully nothing would get out of hand. He explained that he has had bad experiences and he felt this was a responsible decision. Makes sense, still an open bar, can't really complain. I was talking to my sister who I have chosen for my maid of honor and I told her what he said. She likes to party and drink, she's in college, no big deal. I was taken aback when she said that his policy was stupid and that if she can't do shots there she was going to bring a flask. She said that she wants to get "absolutely smashed" at my wedding because what else do you do at a wedding?

So my question is, how do I address this? I don't want someone bringing a flask, especially when there is an open bar. It seems really rude to me. Or would it be just as rude of me to say something? My old college friends are huge drinkers but even they aren't going to be doing something like this.

This is your sister. Honestly, you can tell her (in a loving, sisterly way), to stop being a selfish, immature, self-centered brat, and leave the flask at home.

syoun1nj · January 2014

My venue also would not serve shots and we had an open bar. They would, however, serve drink "on the rocks" or with a splash of water. Which is mostly the same thing! But either way, who needs shots to get smashed, anyway?

A flask opens her, you, your wedding, and your venue up to legal troubles. They could lose their ABC license. You could be fined. She could be fined or kicked out.

I would just tell her "sister, we will have a full open bar. A flask is not permitted at the venue, and if you bring one, you will be asked to leave immediately and security will escort you out. Make your decisions carefully."

Then follow through and have her removed. Her immaturity and stupidity should not be your problem or concern your wedding day. You'll have security so let them kick her out if needed.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

@syoun1nj, the venue actually doesn't allow drinks on the rocks because "it is the same thing". Yeah, the owner very obviously thought this through. I was impressed.

JellyBean52513 · January 2014

I remember when I was planning my wedding to ex-FI, a few of the venues we talked to also told us that shots would not permitted at all, despite us going for open bar packages. I think this is a pretty common practice.

I would tell my sister very firmly, "If you are caught with a flask, you're going to get kicked out. If you get completely shit-faced, you are going to get kicked out. I am paying for UNLIMITED ALCOHOL for you and everyone else. Please don't try to take it too far and risk getting kicked out when there's more than enough for you to drink. I won't be able to save you if this happens, it's the venue's policy and it's in my contract." I hope that your maid of honor would respect you enough to control herself.

ajlloyd15 · January 2014

I don't think it would be rude to bring it up to her and maybe tell her that the consequences of possibly being caught and depending on the policy in place the chances of her being kicked out and not being able to be there for the rest of your wedding would be very upsetting to you. She's your sister so she should come around as long as you remind her that her being there is very important and that she can drink all the mixed drinks she wants but save the shots for another night. Good Luck!!

heathertims · January 2014

If it comes up again, and it will, let her know that you don't think its a dumb policy and your actually happy hes being so responsible. There are so many people are get so stupid drunk that they make fools out of themselves, and can really put a damper on the whole night (for the bride and groom and the guests). If she says shes bringing a flask tell her "Well its going to be really embarrassing for you when the vendor sees that and has your removed from the space by force. If thats the only way you can have fun, I would bring some cab money."

Shes your sister, you should be able to have the convo with her.

Open bar - someone still wants to bring a flask

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